The Normal Kind of Crazy (Crazy #1)

by L. J. Voss

  “Of course, you know I’m always here for you! Make sure you tell June I’m sorry we couldn’t make it. Oh and take lots of pictures because I have got to see her in her swimsuit up on the stage.”

  “I will, I promise. And thank you, you are magnificent and brilliant and I don’t think I tell you enough how absolutely amazing you are as a friend. You can still close up a little early since we’ve been posting we were closing early for the last week. Then you guys can get started on your date early.”

  “Thanks, Imm! And I agree you don’t tell me enough how amazing I am.”

  I bump her with my hip and we both get back to work. The rest of the day passes by uneventfully and before I know it I’m racing upstairs to hop in the shower before I have to go pick up June and Mabel. I decide to just let my hair air dry and I’m lucky my chestnut hair dries wavy enough that it can pass as decent. I throw on my favorite vintage dress that just so happens to have been my mother’s. It’s floor length and is red and blue with a tan flower pattern on it. Blowing a kiss to Mr. Darcy I swipe my keys off the counter and bound out the door and down the stairs.

  * * * * *

  “Immy, I think you missed the exit. How does my hair look? I decided since I’m going to be on stage it needed to be bigger so you guys can see it from the crowd. I added the flower for a beachy feel and put it on the right side so all the fellas know I’m single. This red swimsuit was definitely the right choice. The boys are going to go wild for me.”

  I chuckle as I see Mabel in the backseat looking out the window. The look on her face saying if she just imagines hard enough she’ll wake up and this will all have been a dream. Mabel’s been June’s best friend as far back as I can remember. Her hair is now a salt and pepper silver grey and wrinkles adorn her tan skin. She was widowed young and had to raise her daughter as a single mom. Her daughter married a doctor and they moved to Minnesota so he could work at the Mayo Clinic there. They don’t get down here to visit as often as they probably should so it’s been us three, the three Musketeers, since my mom died. Where June is the life of the party and is always coming up with a new crazy adventure, Mabel is conservative and always puts others before herself. They are complete opposites and can fight like cats and dogs but they love each other and I don’t think either would have made it through their husbands passing without each other.

  I park and we make our way inside the bar that’s holding the swimsuit competition. June is directed to the back of the stage to check in. I grab Mabel’s hand and make my way to a table in the front. We’re enjoying some fries when the DJ gets up to welcome everyone to the Cougar Swimsuit Competition. The crowd is cheering and hooting and then the music starts.

  The first few women look really good, they’re probably in their 40s or 50s and looking at them is making me rethink the fries I just inhaled. I’m taking a sip of my Diet Coke when June’s number gets called and she struts out onto the stage. I nearly choke on my drink as she starts this sultry slow walk to the middle of the stage. She looks gorgeous in her red vintage swimsuit. Her confidence is evident in every step she takes. Her white hair is in a big puff of white curls on top of her head. The purple Hawaiian flower she added to get the “beachy feel” she was after is tucked in behind her right ear. She must have put on some shimmer lotion because there is a slight sparkle to her alabaster skin.

  The crowd erupts as she bends forward and blows a kiss before she turns and shakes what the good Lord gave her. She continues to pop her hips out every couple of steps as she makes her way off the stage. My ears are ringing from all the noise. I’m slowly realizing that I am in fact not going to die by Diet Coke asphyxiation. I chance a glance at Mable out of the side of my eye and I nearly burst out laughing. I don’t think her jaw could get closer to the floor if she was a snake and could unhinge it.

  The next few ladies come out but it’s all a blur. The crowd is cheering with half the enthusiasm they had for June. The DJ hops up on stage and calls all the ladies out. When June steps back on stage the hoots and hollers are ear shattering. The third and second place ladies are announced and awarded their crowns. Yes, they have crowns, okay, well, maybe not crowns exactly but they are at the very least tiaras. They are probably from the dollar store but that doesn’t lessen the fact that any woman would love to win one. And if she tells you any differently she is lying. As the DJ is getting ready to announce the winner a chant starts up in the crowd, “Eight! Eight! Eight! Eight!” It picks up momentum and is almost deafening as the DJ shouts into the microphone so as to be heard, “Well the crowd has spoken and the judges agree the winner is number eight, June Nelson!”

  The look on June’s face as they put her crown on and hand her a bouquet of flowers is priceless. I wish my mom was here to see it. I know she’s here in spirit and is probably up in heaven rolling on the floor laughing. Even Mabel looks excited and proud of June. And that is saying something considering you couldn’t pay her enough to get up there or be caught dead in a swimsuit.

  June makes her way to us but not before being stopped by every table on the way. We’ve already had three drinks sent over to our table for her. Luckily I was able to intervene and had the waiter take them away. Had she seen them she would have said it would have been rude to send them back and I can only imagine the looks I would get taking her back home drunk and in a swimsuit.

  “I told you this red one would do the trick,” she says beaming.

  “Yes, you did. I’m so proud of you. You looked beautiful up there. If I can look half as good as you at eighty-two I’ll consider myself very lucky,” I say, kissing her cheek.

  “Oh Immy, thank you! But sweetie, dressed in this swimsuit the word you are looking for is hot.” She starts laughing at her own joke and gives me a hug.

  “We should probably get going. I had a late night and an early morning and my bed is singing my name.” I link my arms in theirs as we start to make our way to the front. It takes us about thirty minutes to get out the door because June is stopped another five times by people wanting to tell her congratulations. We’re on our way home when she says, “We can’t go home yet. We haven’t even celebrated my win! I think ice cream is in order.”

  Smiling I agree and swing through McDonald’s to get some McFlurries to commemorate her victory. I obviously forgot about the inspiration all those fit forty and fifty-year-olds were and the fact that I already downed an order of fries because along with my McFlurry I get another order of fries. We sit and eat them in the car while they start asking me about my love life.

  “So Immy, any love interests?”

  “Mabel, you know I don’t have time to date. I am at the café at the crack of dawn. I’m there all day and by the time we close I just want to go upstairs and cuddle with Darcy. Besides I’m still young, I have plenty of time. Isn’t that what they always say?”

  “Oh Imm, you know I only ask because I love you. I’m so proud of all you have accomplished but work isn’t everything. I just want you to be happy and I know that if you gave someone the chance they could help make you happy. You’ve lost a lot and it would be nice to see someone take care of you,” she replies as she pats my shoulder.

  “I know, Mabel, and I love you too. I am happy. I have a great life with great family and friends. The rest will happen when it does and if it doesn’t, I don’t need a man to make me happy.”

  “I just worry about you, that’s all,” Mabel responds.

  “All right, enough of the mushy stuff. We have to get back to the home before Bertie and her gang goes to bed. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I walk in, in my crown with my flowers.” She has the biggest smile on her face and I can’t do anything but put the car in drive and head back to the retirement home.

  I pull up to the front and let them out. “Want me to walk you guys in?”

  “No, you get home. You said you had a long day and were tired. Give Mr. Darcy a kiss and tell him it’s
from his Nan and drive safely. Thanks again for taking me tonight, it was one of the best nights of my life.”

  “You’re welcome. You know I would do anything for either one of you.” I give them both a hug and a kiss and climb back in my car. I start thinking about what Mabel said as I drive home. Maybe I should start to date. I mean, it’s been a long time since I had a serious relationship. Kelly keeps telling me Ben has some pretty attractive workers. I’ll have to remember to tell her tomorrow that I’m ready for her to set me up.

  I park my car behind my building and head in the back door. It’s 9:45 p.m. but it feels later than that. I’m ready to head right up stairs to pass out on my bed but I should make sure all the doors to the café are locked and the lights are out. Kelly doesn’t close up very often and it would be easy for her to forget to do it.

  As I open the door to the kitchen I can see the lights on up front. I’m glad I checked. I bet she was so excited to go have a romantic date with her man that she totally spaced turning the lights off. The hangover probably didn’t help either, so I guess I am partly to blame. I make my way up front and see a note from her on the counter:

  I can’t wait to hear all about June’s competition tomorrow. I knew you would check to make sure I locked the doors and turned off the lights. Sometimes you can be the biggest control freak! I love you! I’ll talk to you tomorrow!

  Love, Kelly

  P.S. You’re the jelly to my peanut butter.

  I chuckle to myself that my friend knows me so well. As I turn around to turn off the lights a noise behind me startles me and I whip around. My hand flies up to my chest as I realize Kelly probably forgot to lock the door and this man thought we were open. “I’m so sorry, but we’re closed. I was just getting ready to lock the door. We’ll be open tomorrow morning at seven.” He’s a little intimidating in his black on black outfit. His face is all hard lines and angles. It’s obvious his nose has been broken on more than one occasion and he looks like he would tower over my five foot six inch frame. Trying to steady the nerves I’m suddenly feeling, I make my way around the counter to help him out the door. That’s when I notice he has a gun in his hands and that it’s pointed directly at me.

  All rational thought leaves my mind. I hear what sounds like a crack and fall backwards. I’m lying there looking up at the ceiling, my eyes focused on an exposed beam. Then I realize that the sound I heard was most likely him shooting me. My body must be in shock because I can’t feel any pain. Which probably isn’t good, right? Isn’t it always the really bad injuries that you can’t feel? That probably means I’m dying. At least I can lay here and die without writhing in pain. I hope Kelly will take Mr. Darcy. He really loves her and I know June can’t since they don’t allow pets at the retirement home. We learned that the hard way after she tried to smuggle a snake in. Maybe Michael will if Kelly can’t. I’m glad I got to see June win today. That’ll be a good last memory, I’ll hold onto that one. A face pops into my line of sight and I scream, “AHHHHHHHHHH!” I was resigned to lay here and die, but I don’t want anything else to happen! That’s when my survival instincts kick in and I start thrashing.

  CHAPTER THREE

  - Calder -

  Well shit, I probably could have handled this a little better. Her knee just barely misses the family jewels when I finally manage to pin her arms down as I shout her name, “Imogen!” She freezes and blinks a couple times. Finally hearing her name she looks confused as she whispers, “Wall Street?”

  Wall Street? Now it’s my time to look confused. Not having time for confusion I get back to why I’m here. Looking her in the eye I ask, “If I let go of your arms, do you promise to calm down?” She manages to nod her head so I continue, “I’m agent Calder Murphy with the FBI. We need to get you to a safe house. I will explain everything once we get there. But right now it’s not safe to stay here. There’s more guys like him on the way. I’m going to reach for my badge, is that all right?” She looks like a deer caught in headlights but she again manages a miniscule nod. I pull out my badge and show her. Her eyes don’t even look at it. Man, I know she wouldn’t know if it was fake but at least pretend to look at it. Reasons are piling up on why this is a shit assignment. I didn’t become an agent to get stuck on babysitting duty. I just hope that after this I can finally get promoted to the big leagues.

  I almost had a heart attack when I drove by for my night watch and saw a guy in the shop with a gun pointed at her. That promotion would have gone up in smoke if she got shot. I stand and try to make my way to the front door and out to my car.

  “Oh thank all the gods above!” She says as she runs her hands all over her body after standing up. “I thought for sure I was shot. I did hear a gunshot right? Wait, did you say FBI? What do you mean FBI? Calder? I thought your name was Brett? And why is the FBI watching me?” Good, she was able to shake the shock off.

  “We don’t have time for twenty questions. There are more where he came from,” I motion to the lifeless man on the floor of the bakery. “My job is to keep you safe and I intend do it.” I start trying to pull her towards the door.

  She glances at him again, “Oh my gosh, you shot him! Like you actually, literally, shot him. And killed him! He is dead right? There’s a lot of blood, too much blood. He has to be dead.” The color drains from her face as she says, “Oh I think I’m going to be sick.” I try steering her towards the door again but she rips her arm away.

  “The least you could do is let me get some clothes. And I most certainly am not leaving Mr. Darcy here.” I’ve been watching her for the last few weeks, and not only is she hot but she’s a decent human being. All the shit life’s thrown at her hasn’t hardened her. None of that matters though, she is nothing more than an assignment. She folds her arms trying to prove her point but all it does is accentuate her breasts. I’m a guy, we notice those things.

  “Fine. You have five minutes.”

  “Excuse me, you don’t have to be so rude. It’s not like you’re the one being kidnapped.”

  I tighten my hand in a fist to help keep my patience, “I’m not kidnapping you; I’m trying to keep you safe. It’s my job.”

  “So you keep telling me,” she mutters on her way up the stairs. She opens the door to chaos. Her shop is clean, modern, and organized; her apartment is crammed. There are bookshelves spewing books and piles of unopened magazines. Other than clutter it’s actually pretty nice. “Hurry, you have thirteen minutes left.”

  “I’m hurrying, I’m hurrying!” She shouts at me from her guest bedroom. I hear a buzzing sound as she emerges with an empty duffel bag in her hand, “You can get that, maybe it’s your boss telling you to just let me go.”

  I glance at my phone, “Not mine.”

  I see her look at hers on the side table by the front door and then her eyes lift back to mine and her face is a mix of panic and embarrassment. She flies down the hall and slams her door shut. “Imogen!” I run to her door and try to open it but it’s locked. My shoulder hits her door three times before it finally gives way and flies open. My eyes scan her room taking it all in. The image of her lying on a pile of clothes on the floor with a pig in her hands is ridiculous. As I start to come down from the adrenaline rush I see the pig has the culprit of the vibrating noise in its mouth. The very large culprit in its mouth. They come that big? That doesn’t even remotely look like real life.

  “Don’t you knock!?” she huffs as she scrambles to get up. She must realize she is still holding the offending device because she turns red from head to toe. Even her ears look like they are on fire. “This isn’t mine,” she stammers, “Well, ok, yes, technically it is mine. But it isn’t mine in the way you think it is mine. I don’t use it.” My silent chuckle makes her mad and she starts to get angry and defensive. “It was a Christmas present from one of my grandmas.” When my chuckling doesn’t stop she continues, “Argh, she didn’t know what they were. They were in a magazine
and she thought they were back massagers. That’s why it’s so big. She wanted to make sure we could get to the middle of our back.” She’s only making it worse and I bark out a laugh. Done with this conversation she throws it into her closet and brushes past me around her bed. I try to calm my laughter as she turns towards me and adds, “Oh and ‘Agent Calder,’ this is Mr. Darcy. Let me know when you’re ready to grow up.”

  I smile at the air quotes she uses when she says my name and then it hits me, “A pig? Mr. Darcy is a pig. No. You are not bringing it with us.”

  “For your information Mr. Darcy is probably smarter than you are and he uses a litter box. If he doesn’t go I’m not going. I’m assuming your boss won’t be very happy if you leave me here since obviously I’m probably important if the FB-freaking-I wants me. I mean, that is if you are FBI.”

  I run my hands through my hair and then toss them up in a surrender position. “Fine, you win. You have two minutes.” I would be mad if it hadn’t been so funny watching her ramble her explanation. I can’t help but add, “Oh and I don’t think you need to pack that,” I point to her closet where she threw the vibrator, “we won’t be gone for that long.” A pillow hits my face as I smile and turn out of her bedroom. I’ve got to remember she’s an assignment. Do my job and keep her safe and then get out of here. She could definitely be a complication I don’t need. I don’t do relationships. My life is back in Boston. And my promotion’s going to get me to D.C. I’ve got to keep my head straight for a week and I’ll be good.

  “I’m ready.”

  “Let’s go.”

  “You could help me you know?” She says as she motions to her bag and the litter box and kitty litter. Is it still kitty litter if it isn’t for a cat? I grab the bag of litter and her bag and check the stairs before heading down. I’m glad I turned the shop lights off on our way up to her apartment.