by Kendra Riley
He has, however, been blackmailing me. If not for him forcing me to go to classes and work, I might have done nothing but lay in bed and let the sadness swallow me up.
Did I tell you I work at a coffee shop in town? I think that I might have omitted that fact. I pour coffee and brew tea. Occasionally, I even sing there. It's a nice place. Everyone in town stops in at some point during the week so it's a good place to be. It stays busy and it keeps my mind occupies for at least a few hours of the day.
The hardest part for me is when I'm home and it's quiet. It's then that I ache for you. It seems so strange to miss someone who had been a part of my life for such a short time. I can only say that it must be because I have been waiting for you for so long. My life finally felt complete when I met you and now that you're gone, it feels like half a life. I will push on, though. I'm strong and it's time I prove that to myself.
I love you and I miss you. I hope the world is treating you kindly. Come back to me. You're loved here.
Savannah
When she finished the final words of her letter, she closed the book gently and felt a bit of relief that she had so desperately been craving in the days since he had left her behind. Perhaps, she thought to herself, she might be alright after all. She went back to her bed and gathered up the letter that he had written her. She pulled a ribbon from her bow of hair trinkets and tied it gently around the letter. They she tucked it in to the bottom of her old jewelry box from when she was a girl.
The only jewelry that she kept in it were sentimental things from her childhood, like the first cross that her father had given her which was designed to be worn by a child. There wasn't anything in that box that anyone but she would have reason to go looking for. Her mother borrowed earrings from her from time to time and she needed to be sure that she didn't discover the letter when she came looking.
Savannah wasn't at all ashamed of Jake. However, her desire to keep what they had shared private was only amplified by his letter. She had so little of him left to her. She wasn't willing to have any of it tainted by the opinions of others. Savannah knew, in her heart, that Jake was a good man, deserving of her love but she wasn't at all sure that her family would see it the same way.
It was indisputably crazy that she loved him so deeply after such a short period of time. If anyone else had described the same situation to her, she might have judged them harshly for it.
There was no way that she could make her responsible, steady parents understand the passion and desire that burned within her.
All she wanted to do was lay down and sleep, emotionally and physically exhausted from all that she had poured into her letter to him. Still, she had promised to take her own advice and go on with her life and not to distance herself from those who cared for her. Without allowing herself to reconsider, she picked up her cell phone and dialed her brother's number.
The relief in his voice when she asked him to go to a late dinner with her was evident. He believed, she suspected, that she was putting her fling behind her.
What he believed wasn't important, though. What was important was that she got herself out of the house and out of her funk. When he came to pick her up, he had a smile of triumph on his face. "Heartbreak cured, little sister?" He teased as he opened the passenger side door for her.
"I just realized that I don't have to let my heart be broken," she said, forcing herself to smile as she spoke and to embrace her new resolve to continue her life. After all, locking herself away wasn't going to solve anything.
"I'm glad to hear it," he said as he closed her door.
Once he settled in to the driver's seat, he seemed downright cheerful. He pulled up to the diner and they made their way to their usual booth in the very back. It was, after all, the best spot to sit to go unseen in one of the busiest spots in town. As the pastor's kids, they were constantly in the eye of the community. It had not gotten any different as they grew older.
They settled in to their booth, ordered their usual milkshakes and had just fallen in to their usual conversation. It was nice and Savannah couldn't recall a time in recent years when she had felt so close to her brother. She was just beginning to think that his discovery of her secret might actually bring them closer when she heard the bell on the door of the diner ringing violently as it was slammed open.
She looked up to see Tony burst through the door. "I didn't tell him we were coming here," her brother said, assuming correctly what her first thoughts were that he set her up. She might have continued to believe it if he had not jumped up from the table to intercept Tony.
"What are you doing here, man?"
"I needed to see her. After what everyone is saying, how she was seen around town with another guy. I have a right to see her. She is my future," Tony cried, clearly upset.
"I told you that you need to leave her alone and give her space," her brother warned.
"I cannot leave her alone. I love her. She can't say the same for her mystery man, can she," he said, his anger clear.
"You're just going to push her further away," he said, shaking his head.
"I know what I'm doing," he said defensively.
"How did you even know where we were?" He demanded.
"There are not many people you would stop in the middle of a round of poker to go and meet and you two are creatures of habit. Even when you were kids, this was the place you went to spend time together," he said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Hello Tony, why don't you join us?" Savannah said as she rose from the booth. Everyone was already staring and she didn't want to create a further scene by running out.
"Savannah, I swear I didn't do this," her brother said, looking genuinely concerned that she believe him.
"I know that," she whispered.
"Savannah, is it true?" Tony demanded.
"Is what true?" Savannah asked, holding her head high.
"Is it true that you ran all over town with some stranger? A white boy? How do you think that makes me feel? Especially after you told me that you just needed time and space," he said his agitation growing.
"I never told you that I just needed time and space. I told you that I cannot love you the way that you love me," she said, doing her best to keep her tone even as she spoke.
"We both know you don't mean that," he snapped. "You and I are meant to be together. We always have been. I'm not going to let some stranger stand in the way of that."
"I have been very honest with you, but clearly you have not heard me so I will say it again. We are over. There isn't anything that will change that. I will never love you," she said with eyes full of sadness. She hated to hurt someone who was such a genuinely good person but she couldn't live a lie to bring him peace.
"You will change your mind. I will change your mind," Tony said desperately.
"Man, I think it's time for you to go," her brother said, laying a hand on his friend's chest.
"Are you really going to let her throw her life away like this?" Tony growled at her brother.
"We both need to stop looking at her like a kid. She is a grown woman and she had the right to choose her own path in life," her brother said, surprising her.
"This isn't over," Tony said, before storming off and leaving the dinner.
"Thank you for standing up for me," she said, beginning to see her brother in a new light.
"I'm your big brother. It's my job," he said with a smile as he gave her a quick hug and returned to his seat and his milkshake.
"Still, I know that must have been hard for you," she said as she settled back in to the chair.
"No harder than it must have been for you. I promise you that I didn't set that up. I was just so happy that you were finally willing to get out of the house," he said with a sad smile.
"I really am going to try, you know," she said, her eyes sad.
"Does that mean that I will not have to blackmail you anymore," he said with a laugh.
"Thanks for that, by the way,"
she said, laughing in spite of her anger.
"I really didn't force your hand to hurt you. I just know you. You're too prone to internalizing such sadness," he said, looking sympathetic.
"And I appreciate that. I really do. I have decided that I'm not going to mope anymore," she said with a smile.
"There is the little sister I love," he said with a laugh.
Chapter9
Savannah did her best for the next month to keep her head up and push on with her life. She threw herself in to her studies and took more shifts at work than ever before. She even started working with the children's choir at church to fill her nights. Her father and mother were prouder of her than ever before and she was as happy as she could manage to be without Jake. Her brother was the only one who knew of her heartbreak and he was the one who was most relieved to see her new zest for her life.
When she did have a moment to herself, she read and reread the letters that came from Jake. She had received five in all, each more important to her than the one before it. The excitement when a new one arrived was beyond words. She had somehow kept her family from noticing the new stream of letters she was receiving. It might have been harder had things not been so busy at the church, but her father was deeply involved in some renovations there and was at the church from dawn until dusk.
One night, she returned home from choir practice to one of the coveted cream envelopes waiting in the mailbox for her. Though her mother was home, she didn't stop to greet her. She called out an excuse about having to get to studying right away and dashed up to her room. There, she dropped her bag, and threw her coat off before curling up in the bed with her latest letter, immersing herself in Jake's words.
My dearest Savannah,
I know that it has been nearly a week since I sent my last letter. I know that is the longest interval between letters and I'm sure that you suspect that my interest in writing to you has begun to fade. I assure you, that isn't the case. I have been consumed with thoughts of you for nearly a week. It has been too intense for me to bear. I have been unable to sort through the thoughts and emotions.
Each letter I have tried to write in the last week has been a jumble of illegible blathering. It's due, in large part, to the fact that I want nothing more than to tell you every detail of each of my days. I'm sure, though, that you wouldn't care for that. Instead, I have torn up those letters and begun again. I will endeavor to be coherent in this letter, a goal I failed at in previous versions.
From my last letters, you know that I have brothers who I travel with. We have been on the road for nearly a week straight. It was necessary for us to put some distance between us and the last place we laid our heads. The reason is unimportant and I will not burden you with it.
We are all safe and sound. I add that only because I know that, with you tender heart, you have come to care for my brothers as you care for me. They are all that I have in this world besides you. There are those who would say that our ties are weaker than most, because we were brought together by the foster system and not by blood. They would be fools, though.
We have the strongest of ties because we have chosen to be a family. We each know what it s like to be alone in the world and we know why what we have with each other is so special. As long as we all live, none of us will have to be alone. That is something that I never hoped to have in my life. That makes me truly blessed.
I thought there was no greater bond than the one that I feel with my brothers. I was sure that was true until you came in to my life. I know you will doubt me, having heard how deeply I care for my brothers. You should not.
I feel as though, somehow, you became a part of me during our time together. Without you near me, it feels as if a part of me has been cut away. Though I see no blood, I would swear that I have a wound over my heart that will not heal.
I hope that you don't suffer as I do. I know I have said in past letters that the most selfish part of me wishes that you would miss me as I miss you. That remains unchanged. I do, though, hope that you have found a way to handle it better than I have. I hate to think of you in the pain.
It makes it difficult for me to focus on my work. My brothers are quite annoyed with me, I must say. You fill my mind day and night. It makes it hard to stay away from you. I know it best for you if I do, but I'm not sure that I will be able to be away from you for a lifetime.
Perhaps it's unfair of me to say that to you. After all, the noble thing to do would be to encourage you to move on with your life. You deserve a husband, children, and a home of your own. I cannot tell you that it wouldn't break my heart to come home to you and find you in such a situation though.
I think it's because I feel in my heart that there is nobody in the world who could make you happier that I can. If life had been different, we might have had that home and family together.
I have begun to ramble and I promised you earlier in this letter that I wouldn't do that. For that reason, I must conclude this letter now. Just know that I'm as well as I can be without you by my side.
Take care of yourself and be happy.
I love you.
Jake
She finished the letter and wiped a stray tear from her cheek. She hated to think of him out in the world, missing her so desperately. Still, she was glad to know that he was still as mad about her as she was about him. It seemed so strange to her that she could feel so connected to someone when she had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Knowing that he was safe, though, would have to be enough for her. She knew that, though it was a difficult thing to accept.
Slowly, she rose from the bed and opened her jewelry box. She removed the already well-worn bundle of letters that she had stashed there and gently untied the ribbon that bound them all together. She added that day’s letter, her most recent treasure, to the bundle before nestling it back in its place. Then, as was her ritual, she took her seat at her desk and pulled her journal from the locked drawer where she kept it. As she opened it, her mind filled with all of the things that she wanted to say to Jake after reading his letter and began to write.
Jake,
As always, your letter filled my heart with joy. I feel as if you're always with me, but never more so than when I first open one of your letters and inhale the scent of you. Touching something that you have held makes me feel almost as though I'm holding your hand in mine.
You're right, I have come to care for your brothers, though I have never met them. How could I not, when they have helped to shape the man that you're; the man that I love. It calms my mind to know that you have people around you who love you as I love you. I hope they keep your mind occupied and don't let you dwell on the sadness you feel at our separation.
I wish you were going to read this letter.
I would like to assure you that I'm finding ways to keep my life busy. It helps me to keep from falling in to the abyss of loneliness. If I could actually send my letters to you, you would know by now that I have started to teach a choir class for children at the church. It's for the youngest in age.
Most people don't like to teach that level because they are so difficult to get to focus, but I love it. They are so enthusiastic and their hearts are so full of joy. Their happiness and peace rub off on me each time I work with them. It may be borrowed happiness, but it gets me through the days.
You said in your letter that I deserve a husband, children, and a home. I need you to know that the thing I deserve is a true love. I have found that in you. Whatever shape my life takes because of that is something that I will have to deal with. I will not, however, compromise myself and settle for a man I don't love. I will not live half a life because society says I should be a wife and a mother. What I want is to be your love. Don't doubt that. I will wait for you.
You're the love that the universe meant for me.
Stay safe and come back to me.
Savannah
After she sealed the journal away in her desk, she lay down to do some studying but her exhaustion ove
rtook her. When she finally awoke in the early morning hours, a wave of nausea overtook her. It was so intense, that she stayed in bed, canceling plans that she had with her brother to go hiking. However, with her brother, she should have known it wouldn't be as easy as sending him a text message. An hour later, she heard a loud pounding on the door of her bedroom and she knew in an instant who was on the other side.
"Savannah, I know you're in there. Open this door," he shouted. Reluctantly she threw off her covers and staggered towards the door.
"You're going to knock the door off of its hinges," she chastised as she opened the door.
He ignored her and barged in to the room. "I was a just beginning to think that you had put all of this silliness behind you. You were putting more energy in to your classes and everyone at the cafe says how happy you have seemed.
Mom and Dad are over the moon about the singing class you're doing for the kids at the church. I thought you were living again. Now, you cancel plans to lay in bed all day. I will not let you slip back in to some kind of depression," he said as he paced back and forth in agitation.
"I didn't cancel on you because I was too depressed to get out of bed. I canceled because I don't feel well," she said, her defenses rising.
"You don't look sick," he accused, pointing a finger at her.