by Kendra Riley
"I feel nauseous. So nauseous, in fact, that I could throw up on your boots right now," she said, clutching her stomach.
"Don't lie to me," he snapped.
Her anger, mixed with the nausea she felt, was all too much. She dove to the trash can just in time to keep from being sick all over her pretty blue carpet. When she finished emptying the contents of her stomach, she looked up at him accusingly and said, "Is that proof enough for you?"
"Savannah, are you OK?" He asked, coming to sit beside her on the floor.
"I just feel terribly sick. The smell when Mother was cooking breakfast for Father earlier nearly sent me over the edge. I had to hang my head out the window until the scent faded," she said, leaning against him for support. She looked up and the concern is his eyes sent chills across her skin.
"Savannah, are you pregnant?" He asked, the expression on his face one of shock.
"No," she snapped before really thinking. Only then did she recall that, in fact, it was very possible that she could be. Something in her expression must have given her away, because her brother's gasp was so loud she was sure her parents could have heard it from the floor underneath them.
"Is Tony the father? I will kill him," he snapped.
"Hush. There is no father because there is no baby and even if there was a baby, Tony couldn't be that baby's father. I promise you that," she said, clutching her head to keep the room from spinning.
"Get up and get dressed. I'm taking you to the doctor right now," he ordered.
"Most women just take a pregnancy test at the pharmacy," she said defiantly, not moving to follow his commands. She might be pregnant, she conceded to herself, but that didn't make her brother her boss.
"Most women are not the unmarried daughter of a minister. You cannot buy a pregnancy test and I cannot go buy one for you. The whole town would be talking about both of us before lunchtime," he explained, speaking to her as though this was some sort of new development in their lives. The entire town had watched them with such scrutiny their entire lives.
"And will it be any different if we go to the doctors' offices? I know the doctor cannot say anything, but Thelma is still the receptionist and she will tell the whole town that I came in nauseous. It will be all over town by dinner that I'm pregnant," she said, moving towards the door to the small private bathroom that connected to her room so that she could wash her face and gather her thoughts.
"That is why we are not going to any doctor here. We are going to tell Mom and Dad that I'm taking you to the museum in the city for the day. We will go to a clinic there and you can get the test. Then we will know for sure and we can decide what in the world we do next," he said, handing her a towel to dry her face.
"I cannot be pregnant," she said, her hands shaking.
"I'm not going to push you on this. If there is no way you could be pregnant, I will leave this alone. If there is any possibility, though, then we need to do this," he said, looking at her with knowing eyes.
"I'll get dressed," she said slowly, unable to deny that it was physically possible that she could be pregnant.
"Alright then. I'm going to go down and talk to Mom and Dad. Take all the time you need, but be composed when you come down. Mom will be able to tell that something is wrong with you if you're not careful," he said, heading for the door.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"That is what brothers are for," he said with a smile that told her everything would be alright.
She stared at herself in the mirror after he left and tried to see if there was any change in her body, but of course it was too early for that. She dressed quickly, keeping in mind that her parents would think they were headed off to a museum.
She put on a light blue cotton dress and looked at herself in the mirror again. This time, she tried to picture herself as a mother. She was terrified, of course, but the thought of having Jake's child growing inside of her made her heart leap with joy.
Her brother rushed her past their parents and in to his car. They drove in silence to the city. He kept glancing over at her from time to time, but she made no effort to explain herself. She knew that she would have to, once the appointment was over, but she was too lost in her own thoughts to go through it in those moments. Her hands lay protectively against her stomach as she thought about what it would be like to be a mother. Her parents would be disappointed and the rest of the congregation at church would be too. Her brother, though, seemed to be on her side.
That was a relief to her because until a little more than a month before she would have sworn he would be the hardest on her for such a thing. When they got to the office, they sat together in the boring, beige waiting room. When she was called back, her brother offered to go back with her. At first, she told him that it wasn't necessary. When the nurse opened the door to the exam room corridor, though, she changed her mind. She couldn't stand the thought of getting the news alone, no matter what the news was.
Half an hour later, they left the doctor's office. There was no doubt, the doctor told her, that she was carrying a child. The nurse had smiled at her when she left, giving her samples of prenatal vitamins and some brochures. She was in shock, but she couldn't hide the happiness it brought her that a child would be born.
That baby would be the product of her love for Jake and she couldn't imagine loving anything more. It wasn't until they got to the safety of his car that her brother turned to her, his expression making it clear that he expected an explanation.
"I'm sorry if I have disappointed you, but I cannot be sorry this is happening," she began.
"And Tony isn't the father," he said, simply looking to confirm what she had told him before, now that they knew without a doubt she carried a baby.
"No, I never slept with Tony," she said, thinking for the first time how hurt Tony would be to learn she was carrying another man's baby. If he had not believed that they were done before, this would give him no choice.
"Then it's the stranger's baby? A white man's baby," he said in disbelief.
"Yes," she said, smiling as she thought of Jake and the joy he had brought her.
"I don't know how to help you through this," he said with sad eyes.
"This isn't a sad thing. This child might be born out of wedlock, but he or she will be born of love. I know you doubt me, but this baby's father is the love of my life. He couldn't stay here with me and live this life, but I will have a piece of him to carry with me always," she answered calmly.
"Then we will find a way," he said, patting her comfortingly on the knee before starting the car and pulling on to the highway.
"You know, Tony would probably marry you and raise the baby with you if you asked him," he said, though his expression told her that he thought it was as terrible an idea as she did.
"I know that, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I will raise this baby on my own if Mom and Dad will not help me," she said, her voice full of resolve.
"You will never be alone. I will be there for you. If they cannot accept it, you will just move in with me and raise the baby at my house. The important thing is that you finish school. We have to make sure that you do. It might take a little longer than you had planned, but you will get your degree and you will have everything out of life that you want. I promise you that," he said reassuringly.
"Thank you. I'm so sorry that I have been distant from you since Tony and I broke up. I love you. You're my best friend. I should never have doubted that," she said, tears of gratitude welling in her eyes.
"Even if Mom and Dad are upset at first, you know it will not last long. Nobody loves babies more than Mom does and you're always been Dad's favorite. They will support you through this. I know it," he said, his voice as certain as could be.
"I hope you're right. I hate to think that there is anything that could divide our family," she said with a forced smile. She didn't doubt her parents' love for her. She just hated to think of the pain it would cause them. She wasn't ashamed of anything s
he had done, but she didn't want others to be hurt by something that brought her such joy.
*
Days later, Savannah settled down at her desk yet again. It was the first time that she had pulled out the journal to write to Jake that wasn't in response to a letter that he had sent to her first. There was so much that she needed to tell him. Her thoughts had been too scattered to put in to words in the days after learning about the baby. Her fear and anxiety were no match for the joy that the thought of raising his child brought to her. She would have a piece of him with her.
It took her a few moments to even begin to write to him. Though the journal might never reach him, it was important to her to write her feelings down. It made it feel as though Jake was going through this with her. Her brother’s support was one thing, but being able to feel as though Jake was by her side was another thing entirely. She felt his love with her daily, but feeling as though she could communicate with him brought her some peace.
The moment that her pen began to move across the paper, the words poured from her. It was as though all of the tension and anxiety that had been playing upon her thoughts cleared as she began to purge her very soul, picturing Jake’s face as she wrote.
My Jake,
I wish that these words would truly reach you, because there is so much that I need you to know. I cannot sugar coat the news. I'm pregnant. I don't know if the news would please you or not. I like to think that it would. Knowing how you love me, it seems impossible to me that you wouldn't be happy to learn that a life has been created through that love.
Perhaps it's better that I cannot tell you this directly. I know the news would compel you to return to me and I don't want your hand to be forced.
When you do return to my side, I want it to be because you chose to. Don't worry. I can take care of myself and this baby. I would leave school if I needed to, but I don't think that will be necessary. My brother told me that he will help me through whatever comes next and I don't doubt his sincerity.
I know that you have never met him so you have no reason to take comfort in this. Believe me, though, when I tell you that he is a good, honest man who keeps his word. He will look after the baby and I, no matter how my parents react.
Speaking of my parents, I have not told them yet.
I think I will tell them when I finish this letter. My brother is going to come over and stay with me while I talk to them. I worry only that it will hurt them that I have conceived a child out of wedlock. I don't think they will be angry, though I know they will worry how this child and I will fair in the world, with me being so young and you being gone.
I'm not worried though. The baby has shown me an inner strength that I didn't know I was even capable of. Every time I feel myself growing afraid, I press my hand to my stomach and I'm calmed.
I said before that I hoped you would be happy about the child.
I need to tell you now the joy that it gives me. Having this baby growing within me is the single greatest joy I have ever known. I will not lie and tell you that I'm not slightly frightened, but I think that fear is the result of the tremendous love that I already feel for this child. I want to be the best of mothers, the kind that such a special child deserves.
Perhaps you're laughing now, asking how I can already know our child is such a special one. I tell you, though, that it's by virtue of being born of a love as deep and pure as ours that I know this child will be special. How could anything that is half you and half me not be perfect?
I know that there is much hard work and worry ahead of me. I have seen how having children has shaped my own mother's life. Still, I know that the joy of motherhood is the single greatest joy of her life. The only sadness I felt when I committed myself to loving you was the fact that I thought I might never become a mother. It's something, you see, that I have always desperately wanted to be. I had accepted, though, that it might be something that I had to sacrifice if life kept you away from me.
Now, though, you have given me a tremendous gift, the gift of a family. I will not waste it and I will ensure that you're a part of it. I will tell our child of you and share your letters with him or her as they grow. If life does bring you back to me, you will not jay have me waiting for you. You will have a family waiting for you to come home.
With love always,
Savannah
As she closed the journal, she heard her brother greeting their parents downstairs. Savannah took a deep breath and locked the journal back in its drawer and rose to face her parents. She smoothed her skirt and looked at herself in the mirror. Thankfully, she wasn't yet showing.
She wanted to tell her parents before the change in her figure did it for her. Trying to keep herself calm, she inhaled deeply and headed down the staircase before she had time to lose her nerve.
By the time she got to the living room, her mother was already beaming. That was always her reaction whenever her beloved son graced them with his presence unexpectedly. Savannah knew in the split second that having him there was the right choice. He would help to keep her mother calm once she announced her news. Her father was in an equally good mood, chatting with her brother about the repairs he was overseeing at the church.
Both of their parents were blissfully unaware of her secret, but that ended tonight. Samuel respected them far too much to continue to lie to them.
She took a seat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room and waited for the right moment to speak. As though they sensed something was afoot, both of her parents turned simultaneously and regarded her with the same suspicious looks they had when she was a young girl and swore up and down that she had not eaten the last cookie in the cookie jar. If not for an encouraging nod from her brother, she might have lost her nerve.
"Mother, Father," she began, her words so formal that they told her parents that something was truly going on with her.
"What is it child?" her father asked, looking concerned.
"I have to tell you both news that I'm not sure you will want to hear," she said, unable to find the words to blurt out exactly what she needed to tell them.
"Tell us girl," her mother encouraged.
"I'm not sure how," she admitted honestly.
"I think I know what is happening," her mother said, giving her a reassuring smile.
"You do?" she and her brother gasped in unison.
"Yes my dears. I'm not naive," she said, smiling sweetly.
"What do you think is going on?" her brother asked.
"Well, Mary Jane Tompkins told me that she saw the two of you at the diner a few weeks ago and she mentioned that Tony joined you and that you all got into quite the heated discussion," she explained, looking at their father as though to gloat that she knew what was happening.
"What conclusion have you come to?" Savannah asked, wondering what her mother thought could be going on.
"Well, she wasn't close enough to hear what you all said, but it seems obvious to me," she said, winking at her daughter.
"And what is that?" Savannah asked, knowing in her heart what her mother was about to say.
"Well, clearly you and Tony have mended things between you. I told your father, but of course he didn't believe me. I understand why you would tell your brother first. I know that the separation between you and Tony has caused a bit of a rift between the two of you lately," their mother said, smiling with pleasure at the thought of Savannah and Tony reuniting.
"Mom," Savannah began, not sure how to go on.
"Don't be upset with Mary Jane. She didn't mean to gossip," their mom said, realizing that Savannah wasn't pleased with the direction the conversation had taken.
"I'm not upset with Mary Jane. I'm also not back together with Tony. I will never be back together with Tony. That relationship is over," she said firmly, bracing herself for the uncomfortable discussion to come.
"Then what on earth is going on?" her mother demanded.
"Let the child speak," their father said, finally speaking up.
&nb
sp; Well I don't understand why she is so nervous," their mother said, annoyed.
"Perhaps if you let her speak, she would tell you," he answered, smiling gently at his wife, the love of his life. He was the calm one. She was the fiery one. Together, they made each other better.
"Well, why will she not just spit it out?" she asked, pursing her lips in frustration.
"Mom, give her a chance to talk," her son said gently but firmly.
"Alright. Say what you need to say, sweetie," her mother said, looking no less impatient.
"As I said, I don't really know where to start," she said with a sigh of frustration.
"Go on," her father said with an encouraging smile.
"I fell in love," she admitted honestly. "I fell so deeply in love that I gave myself to him spiritually and physically."
"Savannah," her mother gasped.
"And I'm pregnant," she finished, bracing for their reaction.
"I don't know what to say," her mother said, placing her hand on her head as though she might faint.
"I know what to say," her father said as he stood up and crossed the room to stand directly in front of his daughter.
"I will not apologize. I'm blessed to have the chance to be a mother to this child," she said, a protective hand placed on her stomach.
"You're not afraid?" he asked gently.
"No. Say what you will, father. The only thing I regret is that this situation might cause either of you pain," she said boldly.