Heather's Heart

by Renee Lovins

  I could feel his presence next to me, the warmth of his body, just the awareness of the man seated so close, yet so far. It distracted me completely.

  How do I do this?

  The stress and insecurity caused me to fidget trying to get comfortable in my own skin. Just when I thought I would not be able to do this, and the movie was about to start, Chris reached over and laced his fingers with mine. His eyes caught mine in the dim light of the theater.

  "It'll be okay. I promise. We aren't doing anything you aren't ready for."

  He turned back to watch the opening of the movie, and I didn't see a thing. Every bit of awareness I had focused on his fingers still laced with mine. His hands were strong, calloused, the fingers telling me he worked with his hands. He didn't let go, but he didn't keep my fingers there. A strong calloused thumb rubbed over the back of my hand and I closed my eyes to pull every aspect of the sensation out. The jagged skin scratched pleasantly against my skin, and a surge of need, of a desire to feel that across my entire body washed through me.

  My eyes flew open as the enormity of that thought sank in, and I had to fight not to rip my hand away. Scared of my own reactions.

  With a soft shake of my head I left my hand there, trying to enjoy the warmth and watch the movie. It was darker than I had expected. But I didn't cry. Even watching a beloved character die didn't make me cry, thought it did make me ache a little inside.

  His hand tightened on mine in a few key scenes, but I didn't mind. It helped to anchor me to the here and now. Not that I had ever had powers, but the grief, the human emotions were still real.

  The second the credits started to scroll he turned in his seat. "I am so sorry. I didn't realize it would be that… grim? Dark? Depressing? Are you okay?"

  I wanted to laugh and I also wanted his hand back in mine. He had pulled it away as he turned.

  "I'm fine. John didn't die in any so dramatic a manner. You knew that character would die the second you saw him on screen. I'm fine."

  And I was.

  Chris frowned, searching my eyes, but I hadn't cried, and mostly I felt a bit bummed there hadn't been more laughs and stunning special effects.

  "Ready?" I asked as I stood, grabbing my bag.

  "Sure." He rose, but kept glancing at me, as if I would break.

  "Chris, quit worrying."

  "I can't, I didn't mean for this to bring up bad memories."

  I started to giggle, I couldn't help it.

  "Grocery shopping brings up memories. Bookstores. Taking out the trash. All of those make me miss him with an ache so deep it can take my breath away. A movie about people dying, people with super powers and earth shattering secrets? Not so much. If I was going to break, I would have broken a while ago."

  He was silent as we walked, and I couldn't see his face as he was at my side.

  "Makes sense." The words surprised me as they didn't come until after we reached the sidewalk outside. "I guess it is the everyday things that you miss or notice the most. Not the rare things you wouldn't have shared."

  "Exactly." Ready to drop the subject, I looked around. "I'm parked over here."

  He nodded, angling his body to walk with me to my car. I smiled up at him, leaning against the door. "I did enjoy. Though next time, how about a comedy?"

  "Yes, please." He chuckled. "Or at least a more comic book movie?"

  "That would work too."

  The hint of his cologne reached me, a spicy scent I rather enjoyed. I had to swallow as we both looked at each other, and I figured my heart pounded so loudly it probably sounded like a motorcycle behind us.

  "So, do you like plays?"

  The question caught me off guard. I'd been so worried about what would happen next I had not expected words. I blinked trying to figure out what he said.

  "You mean like theater? Live people?"

  A soft chuckle came from him, though he never took his eyes off me. "Yes, live people acting."

  "Sure. I guess. Been a very long time since I've been to a play." I shrugged. "Full disclaimer, I'm a bit of a homebody. Not into sports. I like to read and my biggest hobby use to be baking or going garage saling with John." I had to swallow at that. It had been something I couldn't do since them.

  Chris seemed to sense that and just nodded. "Then how about trying something new? A play, with me? Next week."

  I couldn't breathe, all of me caught up in the question. My headed nodded like it was attached to a spring as I tried to remember how words worked.

  "Yes. I'd like that."

  Does this mean I'm dating someone, not just a date, but dating?

  The idea seemed foreign. How could I be dating someone when I was married?

  My thoughts derailed as he stepped closer. "Night, Heather. Thank you for giving me a chance." He leaned down, and before I could figure out what to do one way or the other, his lips brushed my cheek. A soft touch of heat, and the slightest scratch of whiskers across my skin. My knees threatened to buckle. It had been a long time since I felt that sweet scratch of stubble across my skin. And I wanted more.

  By the time I had recovered, he had stepped back and smiled at me a bit lopsided.

  "I'll call you later, text?"

  "Sure," I forced the words out, I'm sure I sounded like I was being strangled. Chris ducked his head, hands in his pockets and walked away. Moving on automatic, I got in the car and drove home, though I couldn't recall a single thing about the drive.

  Home, I poured a glass of wine and wandered out to my deck, sitting staring out into the darkness. The sounds of traffic faint, the insects louder, and I didn't think. I didn't focus on anything. I simply drank my glass of wine and existed.

  Sunday had become my chore day, the day to do all the things I never had time or energy to do doing the week. I threw myself into it with abnormal vigor. Anything to avoid thinking about Chris and John. Every time my thoughts went towards one or the other I focused down on things I needed to do. Laundry, trash, grocery list, meals, filing emails. I accomplished more that Sunday trying not to think than I had on the last five Sundays.

  Who knew? Avoiding thinking is a great motivator to get stuff done.

  A ding from my phone pulled me out of organizing my linen closet. Really, who ever took the time to organize that? I wandered around trying to remember where I left it, another ding rescued me and allowed me to locate it under a pile of papers on my desk.

  The screen showed a text from Chris. My heart did a funny lurch thing as I read the text.

  *I enjoyed last night. Looking forward to the play.*

  I held the phone, trying to decide if I should reply, and what I would say. My lip hurt, and it dawned on me I was biting it harder than was comfortable.

  *Me too* my fingers tapped out. I had to say something else, that wasn't enough. *What are you up to today?*

  The response was immediate, and a I smiled, leaning against the wall as I read.

  *Not much. Chores, have some business paperwork to do. Ignoring daughter and her whining*

  Laughter bubbled up in me and I sank into my recliner. *sounds difficult*

  *You have no idea. Yes it is a lot of work, but she did it to herself. No sympathy.*

  My face hurt from the grin, it just felt so good to talk to someone. I had isolated myself too much.

  *Okay, I'd like to keep talking, but need to run some errands, and I know it proves I'm old, but I don't text and drive.*

  *Good.* I hesitated then slowly typed out one more response. *Glad you texted. Made my day*

  A happy emjoi was his response, and I slipped the phone in my pocket as I moved around more relaxed. I found myself stopping at my wedding picture. I looked at the two happy people smiling there. The look on Johns face as he smiled down at me. I swallowed, but I didn't get the wave of sorrow I expected. I remembered the laughter and how beautiful that day had been.

  "I miss you, John. Every day. I'd give a lot to have you back. But I know damn well you wouldn't want me to spend my life cryin
g. I think this guy likes me. It's nice. I'd still take you back any day. But I need to learn to live again. I miss being held, I miss someone to talk to, I miss sex. I miss you. But I don't get a choice, so …" I trailed off and sighed. Some people would probably call me crazy, but no one could hear me. "I love you." With a half-smile I turned and walked away, the memory of our wedding day bright in my mind.

  4

  Monday brought with it the normal chaos and distractions and I didn't even look at my phone until almost three. Two messages waited for me, and I almost dropped my phone as I fumbled at it trying to bring them up.

  *Dinner after the play or before? It's at 5 and should be about 2 hours.*

  Then about twenty minutes later.

  *Hope you're having a good day. Let me know.*

  The words, proof he was interested shouted out at me. And it boosted my mood, which by noon had been in the gutter with work stress.

  *After sounds good. Let me know where to meet you. Busy day, glad it is almost over*

  I finished with my day and didn't hear my phone until walking to the car.

  *Mine too. I can pick you up? If you're comfortable with that.*

  That brought me to a stumbling halt as my mind just quit working. Why was there an issue? People knew where I lived, so why the sudden fear?

  *Think about it, no pressure, it is just an offer.* His half-smile sprang into my mind and I was grabbed with the sudden urge to cry.

  Why is he being so nice, so understanding?

  *Thanks, let me process. Okay about to drive. Talk to you later*

  I shut off the radio and the stories I normally listened to while I commuted. If I was willing to date him why not tell him where I lived? The idea still seemed so odd, that I was dating anyone, but I was pretty sure it was fact at this point.

  You're being silly. Nothing is going to happen.

  I kept telling myself that, even I as tried not to think of all the scary stories I'd heard on the news. When had I become such a coward?

  As soon as the car had stopped inside my garage I had the phone in my hand.

  *Yes, I'd like.* I followed up with my address, then got out of my car and ignored the phone for the next hour.

  When I was finally ready to deal with it, a single message sat there.

  *Great, I'll pick you up at 3:30 Saturday.*

  I smiled and got ready for tomorrow, my heart lighter than it had been since I kissed John good bye that morning. I closed my eyes for a moment, but then kept moving. I had stuff to do, and I would never stop missing him.

  The week passed with random texts from Chris. I never initiated, though I thought about it once or two, but my breath locked up every time I reached for the phone. But I had no issue responding to him, and it kept me smiling all week almost giddy with the subtle teasing back and forth.

  Saturday morning I made the decision to do something I hadn't done in a long time. It hadn't been so much punishing myself, as just not caring. I went and got a full manicure and pedicure. I know it sounds boring, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while, and I walked out feeling sexy and a bit more alive.

  Pulling on nice slacks and a dressy top, I was ready by three, then spent the next half hour fretting and trying to stop myself from fretting. Was I under dressed, over dressed, was he really coming?

  I was about ready to scream at my own insanity when I heard the doorbell ring.

  Oh thank the gods, I couldn't have stood my own internal dialog another second.

  Rushing to the door, I tripped and caught myself with a gasp of effort. The urge to just beat my head on the door surged high, but I resisted and pulled open the door with a smile. My eyes widened as I saw him there. Before he'd had on nice casual loose clothing, nothing super fancy, but now he wore a button up shirt over dark khakis. The dark blue of the shirt caught his eyes bringing out the blue even more.

  He looked good enough to curl up with and enjoy, for days.

  "You look stunning," his eyes drifted up and down my body, and I wanted to arch into that look. I'd never be skinny, but the look in his eye told me he enjoyed all the curves.

  "You too," my voice came out husky, and his eyes darted to mine and his eyes darkened, then he smiled, the damn sexiest smile I had seen in a decade.

  "Ready?"

  I nodded, feeling like a bobble head, but words were too hard at the moment, there was too much risk of saying something inappropriate. Locking the door to my house, I followed him out as we walked back to his car.

  "You've got a nice house," he mentioned as we pulled out of my driveway.

  "Thanks. I keep thinking about selling it, but haven't gotten that far."

  Chris nodded. "Paid off?"

  "Yeah. The life insurance finished that and gave me a little more, but right now it's just not worth thinking about." I shrugged looking out the window.

  "I'm still paying. But on track to be finished in five years. That will be nice, though I've got no idea how to pay for college next year."

  I shot a look at him and grinned. "Assuming she goes?"

  He laughed shaking his head. "Yes, assuming that. But she's made good progress. Though I'm trying to convince her to do community college for the first two years and work part time. I don't think she knows what she wants enough to justify four year college prices off the bat."

  I had to shrug in response. "I did it backwards, but meant I had no student loans. I worked full time and did 2-3 courses a semester paying for it each time. Took me longer but meant I had a lot more grounding in reality than a lot of other students."

  "This means you are the perfect person to talk to her. Reality. Wanna give her a reality speech?"

  I laughed at that. "Yeah, reality two decades out of touch. Honestly if I had a child college age, I'd ask them if they didn't want to do a blue collar job instead. HVAC techs and plumbers make a fortune, with no malpractice insurance or thousands of dollars in school loans." I paused and shook my head. "And I'd also say go hike Europe for six months, go volunteer in a third world country, go do something crazy. Because if you aren't careful you'll find life has passed you by and you're standing there alone wondering why you did all the right things. And have nothing to show for them." The bitter tone in my voice surprised me, and I took a deep breath. "Sorry."

  I felt his gaze on me for a minute before he shifted his attention back to the road. "Is that how you feel?"

  The lump in my throat didn't want to be swallowed but I forced it down. "Maybe a little. I was always the good girl, decent grades, no casual sex, no drugs, putting money in savings, always doing the 'right' thing. And here I am alone and wondering why I didn't go get tattoo's, hike Europe, go doing something crazy. Instead I'm a boring average American."

  "Oh, I might disagree with that." He fell silent and I didn't feel the need to break it. Me and my big mouth. I always ruined things.

  I zoned out for a minute, lost in self-doubt and recriminations and came back to reality as he pulled into a parking garage. He had parked the car and opened the door for me before I could get myself together enough to get out myself.

  "Thanks," I said, smiling up at him, as I tried to shake off the mood I had created.

  He stopped me as he closed the car door behind me, pulling me gently to face him. "Heather, I don't think you're boring. If anything you amaze me. You're logical, realistic, smart, strong, and I really want to know what it feels like to kiss you." His voice had grown huskier as he talked, his eyes locked on mine and I couldn't look away. "So trust me, you're not boring to me."

  My heart started to race, and the only thing going through my mind was the idea of his lips on mine. I almost squeaked as he took my arm and led me towards the elevators. "But we are going to be late if we don't get moving."

  Falling into step with him was easy, I fit next to him, our strides matching as he wrapped my arm around his. My thoughts were still locked on the look in his eyes and the idea of him kissing me. Parts of my mind and body that I had been ignoring
for a very long time flared to wild life and made their interest known. The heat of his hand on my arm, his body next to mine, felt good on a level I had been avoiding thinking about. I wanted to lean in closer, to try to absorb that emotional and physical warmth.

  "So, what are we going to see?" I managed to ask as we walked down the sidewalk towards the Fox Theater.

  "I thought I'd play it safe," he sounded sheepish. "Love Never Dies. It's the sequel to Phantom of the Opera. You do like musicals, right?" A hint of worry entered his voice, and I squeezed his arm.

  "Yes, that sounds wonderful. I loved the original Phantom of the Opera, so not an issue." The subtle tension in his arm faded.

  "Good."

  We went in, and I enjoyed looking at the interior architecture of the Fox. Set up like a castle from the Arabian Nights tales, it was exotic and made the whole experience seem more dream like. Ushered to our seats we wedged ourselves in, folding legs that seemed longer than whom the seats were designed for.

  "People in the forties must have been midgets." Chris said in a low whisper.

  I had to agree. I never thought of myself as tall, but ever so I felt like I was in a child's seat. Chris looked even worse. I glanced at him and we both started to laugh. It changed some of the tension that had been between us. Not dissolving, but turning it more into a future promise instead of a current imperative. I was glad. I needed time to think about this, to see what I wanted. To assure myself it was okay for me to feel this way, to want this.

  Before I could get too lost in my own thoughts, Chris reached out and took my hand, holding it in his. The callouses of his hand scratchy against my soft office hands. Right there I decided to quit thinking and just enjoy. I leaned back, letting my doubts and fears drift away and lost myself in the music, the story, and the man holding my hand.

  The play finished and the lights came up. We rose to our feet with everyone else, applauding the actors, who deserved every clap. Making our way out I almost bounced with excitement.

  "Thank you. That was so much fun. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself that much." I knew I gushed, but dang it, it had been wonderful, and not just the musical.