by Ey Wade
"Lord, have mercy. Things like this don't happen in Beaumont. This is such a quiet place. Do you think I will get my baby back?"
"I can't promise you anything. Maybe The P. S. Center made a mistake and gave him to the wrong people and those people have not been able to get in touch with you or The Center in order to give him back. I'm sure these things happen all of the time. Regardless, just keep on calling on the Lord and in the interval, we will do our best to find your son."
"I'm sure that you will. I… uhm, will get my things together and go on to the center."
"You won't be driving yourself, will you?"
"No. My sister should be here soon. She'll be bringing me"
"All right, but before you go, would you give me the address and phone number of your son's father."
"Why? I already told you that he knows nothing about Brhin."
"Do you want your child back?"
"Yes, of course."
"We have to check all possibilities. Does the father live in town?"
"As far as I know he still does. He's a surgeon at the local hospital, St. Elizabeth Hospital." She rattled of Austin's information before clicking off.
CHAPTER 3- FRUSTRATION
Leaning her back against the doorjamb between the living room and the den, Catrine banged her head on the frame as she strove to gain control over the fear and the anxiety that threatened to invade her entire body. The thuds gave rhythmic echo to the words pounding in her head. My baby is gone….my baby is gone. Tears streamed down her face faster than she could wipe them. Her hands trembled convulsively and she gripped them tightly together.
Someone should be here with me she cried to herself. Maybe I should call Austin before the police do. This will be a tremendous shock to him. Finding out you have and haven't a son, in the same day would give any normal person a heart attack, but then again Austin wasn't just anybody. He was a dedicated, even tempered, patient surgeon. Picking up the receiver, she looked at its dial in contemplation. What in the world would I say? 'Hi, Austin this is Catrine. Long time no hear, huh. Oh, by the way, the son I never told you about can't be found. Do you by any chance have him? Right, yeah, Austin was even tempered until it came down to her. Pushing the buttons of his number, she put the receiver to her ear. The sound of his voice on the answering machine unnerved her so much she clicked the button without leaving a message. Shaking her head and then chiding herself for not putting the well being of her child before her fear she picked up the receiver again. Talking as quick as possible she asked Austin to give her a call when he returned home. No explanations and hung up. She just didn’t feel brave enough to tell a man over the phone she had lost a child he had no ideas about. Releasing a deep breath, she tossed the phone to the sofa where it hit the cushion and fell to the floor, ignored.
Crossing the room to the small glass and brass liquor cart under the window, Catrine picked up the small bottle of aspirin and poured herself a glass of Coke. Shaking three aspirin into her palm, she tossed the pills down her throat and swallowed the drink. Looking into the mirror centered on the wall next to the bar, she fingered the soft feathery cut of her strawberry-blond hair and remembered how she had let Brhin talk her into having it cut just two weeks previously. She had brought him to the barbershop for his first haircut and he had been so afraid of the clippers that she sat in the chair before him and had gotten her own mid-shoulder length hair cut to ease his fears. What could she do to ease her own fears, now?
Oh, Jesus, help me, she prayed. This fear is killing me. This is harder to bear than the near death delivery of Brhin. At least then I had known that the anguish would soon be over. I wish that I had that knowledge, now. But, there is only the knowledge that my baby is gone and I feel as if I let him down. Maybe I should not have put him in that center. Maybe, if I had left him in the care of Linda, he would be here now. Maybe, may be. I may, as well say that I should have married Austin Sanchez for all of this may be I am doing. She crossed the room to the sofa and let her body flop into its deep cushions.
Leaning her head on the backrest of the sofa, Catrine took deep breaths and concentrated on remembering the last day that she and Austin had spent together. She had purposely not let herself dwell on thoughts of Austin because she knew that deep inside she still cared very much for him. She and Austin had deliberately said some of the cruelest things to one another.
Before the breakup, the arguments had been trivial, but after a very heated confrontation, she and Austin had decided to call it quits. She could remember the conversation as if it were being reenacted in front of her. Even after all most four years the remembered pain felt as if it were happening at that very moment.
Austin had been standing in front of the very sofa where she was now sitting, opening and closing his hands and breathing so hard that she thought he would lose control of himself and hit her. He had frightened her with the stillness of his body and the glaring looks he kept throwing at her. She had never seen him that furious, but then again, she had been experiencing something she had never felt herself. The huge uncontrollable rage that had been engulfing her made her want to explode. And so she had sat on the sofa tapping her feet in irritation and bemoaning the way the night was ending. In her imagination it would have been a magical affair. A definite liberation from the tensions and arguments they had been having throughout the previous two months. They had eaten a lovely dinner, cuddled, talked, made love and now they were slipping into the same old mode. Pacing the room and having another one of their stupid arguments.
The night was pre-planed, as a sort of getting back together kind of thing and here it was about to explode into a war. Catrine was barely able to keep herself from running up to Austin and punching the hell out of his face as she sat and watched him angrily pace the room. His six foot-three inch stride was continually making short work of the width of the entire room. She watched Austin, as every muscle in his body seemed to contract at the effort of controlling himself. She became a little nervous. He looked like an animal trapped in a small cage. Stopping in front of the sofa, Austin bent and yanked a small pillow from its resting place on the sofa and threw it angrily towards the wall.
"What in God's name do you want from me, Catrine?" He turned to face her.
"Damn it." Stooping, she retrieved the pillow and replaced it on the sofa. She stood face to face, or as near face to face with him as her foot shorter frame would allow. "I want you to be faithful to me." She poked his chest hard with her index finger as she stressed every word. "And if not faithful, at least be honest."
"Honest about what?" absently rubbing the spot she had poked, he continued talking. "What else can I tell you? How honest can I be to a woman that is so paranoid that nothing I say makes a difference to her? You know how I work. I'm a surgeon for Christ's sake." He shook his head in thought of the futility of the situation. "My life is not my own." He sighed irritably. "I do not have time to go running after some other woman. I tell you I have been seeing no one else and you choose not to believe me."
"Of course I don't believe you. How can I? You won’t commit yourself to me, or this relationship. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a year and a half, I suggest that you move in here and you turn cold. What is the big deal anyway? This apartment is larger than yours and you act like you're comfortable while you are here. Maybe you just have a problem being here with me."
"That's not it at all."
"Well, make me understand, Austin. Tell me what I’m doing wrong. For the past two weeks you’ve found it extremely hard to be civil to me. You barely talk to me and you only touch me during sex. What's the problem? Do you think I want your money? I'm not asking for you to take care of me, I can take care of myself. I have a great paying job and can pay my own bills. I just thought that it would be perfect to go to sleep with my arms around you and then wake up with you next to me in the mornings. I had stupidly thought that you felt the same."
"That's bull and you know it." Austin slammed his fist
on the table, causing a flower vase to fall and spew its contents of water and dead leaves across the table and onto the floor. Its muddy substance staining the rose colored carpet.
"Get a towel and clean that mess." She had demanded as she angrily, gave him a shove in the chest.
"You do it. And if you know what's good for you, you would back your short little tail up."
She moved back a bit, hands on hips and measured his length with her eyes.
"Am I supposed to be afraid of you?" She looked into his eyes and smirked.
Ignoring the anger in her face he stepped closer and tapped her on the forehead with the tip of his pointer finger.
"Yes," laughing when she angrily slapped at his hand and missed contact, he continued talking. "I don't know what makes you think you can run my life. You want total control of me. You want to know my every coming and going. You are worse than my mother. I can't live with that."
"You are one selfish bastard, Austin. You want me to save myself for only you while you go out and share yourself with the masses. So I’m just going to tell you this one time, from now on I’m out to please myself. I no longer want you in my life."
"You mean to tell me," he folded his arms across his chest. "You are going to stand there and break up a terrific relationship because I won't move in here with you?"
"Hell, yes and you know as well as I that it doesn't just have to deal with you moving in here."
"Right, I wouldn’t bet on it"
"Yeah, right I have the feeling that you only want me for sex."
"Wait a minute. Don't go there. I can get sex anywhere, any time. Don't think there is none better than you."
Catrine laughed raucously. "You know I'm better than ice cream."
She looked at Austin with a beguiling smile and her hands on her hips. He laughed out loud, forgetting for a moment that they were in the middle of an argument. He shook his head as if to clear his mind.
"You forget that ice cream comes in a variety of flavors. Not that I want to try any." he raised his hands in defense. "I think you need help Catrine."
"Not to deal with you." She looked him up and down.
"To be able to deal with life, you're delusional. I know a couple of psychiatrists that may be able to help you. No, just listen," he held up his hand to silence her. "I am not about to get in another argument with you. If you want to give up something that could be the best thing you ever have in your life, it's your choice."
"It's you that's throwing me away. Why in God's name would I want to be with someone that just wants to fu…?"
"Don't say it." He grabbed her hands and held them within his own. "You now I hate that word especially when you use it in that context. It sounds like we are just animals taking a random plunge. You mean more to me than that. It means a lot to me that you thought me worthy to be your first lover, but I don't want to live with you."
Yanking her hands from his grip, Catrine turned her back on him. She wiped her tears and smoothed her hair before turning back to face him. Unable to hold his gaze she looked at her feet and pushed her hands into the pockets of her robe. Taking another deep calming breath, she again raised her eyes to his level.
"You know Austin I love you to death. I would rather be with no one else but you," She stepped back as he stepped forward. "But I cannot go on the way we have been. We argue all of the time lately and I can't deal with it. The best thing we could probably do for each other would be to not see each other again."
"If that is the way you see it, then this will be your choice. Just remember that you are the one making this decision for us."
"How can you say that?" Catrine's rage erupted. "I am not making the decision to get rid of you. I want you and you have your own reasons for your decisions. They just don't happen to flow with mine. I will not sit here and continue to pretend that things can work between the two of us when I know in my heart that you don't care for me. So, take your damn little duffel bag," Catrine picked up the small red bag that he always used when he stayed overnight and threw it towards him. "And get the hell out of my house."
Catching the bag in mid-air, Austin crossed in front of her and walked to the door.
"All right, I will go with pleasure. I had already tired of your little cling-on attitude and had wanted to call it quits. Just remember, it is not me that's ruining what we had, it is you. You just have the hots for some other guy and can't be honest about it. I have always believed that you have the potential to be one terrific bitch and now I know that I am right."
"If I do, it's you who have taught me. I learned from the master slut."
"You just can't wait to drop me. Don't call me when things start to fall on your head."
"I will never call you for anything. This is the last time you will ever hear from me." She promised before slamming the door on his retreating back.
For nearly four years, minus that first week when she had called his home constantly without getting a response, she had kept that promise. She had not called him after she had gone to the gynecologist for her six months check up and received the devastating news that she was pregnant. She had not called him after the child's birth and if it had still been up to her, Austin would continue to know nothing about Brhin's existence.
Catrine sat up and dragged her fingers through her hair in the hopes of shaking the memories from her mind.
"God, Give me strength."
Sliding from her seat, she turned and fell to her knees folding her hands and pressing her head to the cushions, she began to pray. She called on all the prayers she had learned as a child and every scripture that she could remember since becoming a born again Christian.
"God, Give me strength," she repeated. "Please don't punish my baby for the things I have done wrong in life. Forget I said that. I know that you are not a God of punishment. Help me to have faith and patience in you. I truly believe that I will have Brhin here before the night is over. Just give me the strength to hold on."
Standing, she paced the room checking the time on her watch as she did so.
"7:00? God, has it only been an hour? Has it really been an hour since I found out my joy in life may be over?” She closed her eyes in pain of the thought. “Come on, Phae. Where are you? What’s taking you so long?"
As if in answer to her questions, the doorbell rang. Believing she would be facing her sister, Catrine rushed across the foyer and flung open the door. The tall, broadly built, extremely muscled body of Austin Sanchez stood squarely in the middle of the doorway. The look that was frozen on his face made him seem as if he were made from stone.
Her breath stuck in her throat and the urge to faint almost consumed her. She stared at the man blocking the entrance. Time flew backwards so quickly that she almost rushed into his arms, as had been her habit years before when opening the door and finding him standing behind it.
"Austin?" She whispered.
Catrine took a quick step backwards in surprise as he pushed his way into the tiny foyer. Her aching weariness was momentarily forgotten.
"Yeah it’s Austin." He took note of her hurried steps backwards before shutting the door and putting his hands in his pockets. The act obviously showed his control over his anger. "Yeah, you had better back up. If you had any sense," he advanced as she retreated, "you would run and hide because right now, I could really do you some damage."
He stopped advancing when she defiantly put her hands on her hips and stopped retreating.
"I'm not afraid of you, Austin. I'm repulsed."
Acknowledging her bravery with a mocking smile, he continued talking.
"Be as repulsed as you want to be. I have just finished spending a mind blowing hour explaining to a little pit bull of a detective, that I was never informed that I had a son, let alone kidnapped him." Pulling his hands from his pockets with an enraged jerk, he grasped her by the upper arms and lifted her to his eye level within one quick movement.
"Austin, put me down." She demanded through clinched teeth,
kicking her feet in agitation.
"How could you have my child and not have let me know?" he asked loudly.
"Austin, there's no need to yell. Put me down and we can talk about this calmly."
"What do you mean act calmly?" He shook her body back and forward. "How the hell can you stand here and talk about being calm?"
"If I were 'standing', I would be able to do it quite well."
"Don't try to be smart with me, Catrine. The time to talk calmly was when you found out you were carrying my child."
"I…"
"Don't interrupt." He shook her roughly. "You took it upon yourself to make all kinds of decisions for me. How dare you. How do you get off feeling that you have the right to do such a thing? I thought we meant something to each other. Had you lost your mind? What in heaven's name were you thinking? You know I would have wanted to be part of his life."
"How in God's name could you say such a thing, Austin?" Catrine tried to lower her voice hoping it would keep her calm. "You no more wanted a child than I did. Obviously you have conveniently forgotten that you were the one who walked out on me." She tried to push at his arms for release. "Do you honestly think that I would have run behind you after the horrible things you said? You must be crazy. And put me down, damn you." She twisted and turned her body in vain.
"Why the hell should I do that?" He shook her angrily. "I could kill you and think nothing of it. There is no way I'm going to let you put your selfishness on my shoulders. You never told me that you even suspected that you were pregnant. We should have been able to sit down and discuss it the minute that you realized that you were."
"Ooh you make me so angry." She tried to swing her arms to hit him. "The idea of buying pizza together freaked you out. We never even discussed children or anything 'permanent' for that matter. Austin, put me down." she screeched when he put added pressure on her shoulders.