Dragonfly

by Alyssa Thiessen

  “What happened after they took me?”

  “The climbers lost one of their backpacks in the scuffle. It contained the woman’s passport. We couldn’t read it, of course. Despite what Americans think, English is not a universally known language. But there was a clear picture of her, and I knew it was only a matter of time until I figured out what the markings on the paper meant. When we met with the council, they made the unanimous decision that going after you was not an option. The likelihood of finding you was so slight, and the risk of exposure of our kind too great. Instead, the action we took was to move deeper into the mountains, find new, more remote caves, hope they couldn’t trace your existence back to us. So we moved. Your mother was never the same after you disappeared.”

  “And my father?”

  “He could barely bring himself to speak to her at first. But your siblings needed him—and her.” Brothers. Sisters. Family. “So I offered to go after you, to find you. She knew I could never bring you back, since it was forbidden even to look for you. But the idea that I would find you, protect you, look after you, teach you to exist among the strangers was what she needed to be able to continue living. And I think it also helped her to have me leave. So I had my wings removed.” In a fluid motion, he turned and pulled up his shirt, revealing the white, jagged scars along his emaciated back. Removed. The thought had never even occurred to me, so natural a part of me were they. To suddenly be unable to fly must have been unbearable. How had he adjusted to sudden life on the ground?

  “You did that for me?”

  He shook his head. “For your mother. And it took a very long time for me to fulfill my promise to her. After I had made my way through Russia, I didn’t even know where else to begin. I had nothing but that passport. So I systematically traced every rumor, every snatch of hearsay, every single local legend or hint of a sighting. I lived in the shadows and moved at night. I learned more languages in a year than most people do in a lifetime. Eventually, I found myself in the middle of nowhere, USA. Eleven years after I had started looking, there you were. The explorer and his wife had smuggled you out of Russia, brought you home, and kept you, like some kind of pet.”

  “Child,” I said softly.

  “Prisoner! Don’t fool yourself with sentimentality. You were forbidden to use your wings. Did you know you had never flown until you met me? They’d made you forget who you were and hide what you are. I gave my wings to find you; they’d taught you to pretend you didn’t even have yours!”

  I was remembering, now, the woman without wings who brought me up as her own; I saw her smiling brown eyes with laugh lines around the edges—my mother. I touched his arm, almost automatically. I could hear her voice in my head and, as I listened, I knew he could hear it too. In the great green room, there was a telephone—Good Night Moon. She’d read it every night to me, before bed. It was the strangest feeling—listening to the hate in Nik’s voice, feeling it vibrate through him, while, at the same time, knowing he could feel with me the warmth of my blue comforter wrapped around my body and hear with me the soothing tenor of my mother’s voice. Good night, Joshua. I love you.

  Nik shook me off violently. “Don’t you understand? I couldn’t let them get away with it.” I reached out to touch him again, to show him how soft her touch was when she dried my tears after a nightmare, when she brushed my hair from my face. He had to understand. His thoughts overpowered mine, and I saw them, mixed with my own sudden memories. Flames, now. Thick smoke. Nik’s eyes, filled with blind fury. My father’s strong arms, carrying me through the building, shielding me with his body from the falling debris. And then, my mother’s frantic hands, pulling me from his grasp, lifting me through the side window and, as my feet touched the gravel driveway outside, pushing me, her urgent voice instructing me to run, run. Don’t stop; don’t look back. Run. I heard the screams behind me as I ran until my legs ached, my lungs burned, and my body finally collapsed in the snow. I remembered lying there, under the stars, my hands clasped tightly over my ears, trying to shut out the sound of terror that I’d left behind me. My world finally faded. When I awoke, Nik was there, standing over me. I didn’t recognize him at all, and my life before that point was suddenly shrouded from my mind. I’d believed every lie he’d told me since then.

  Sick, I swallowed my horror. I’d run away and left them to die. And then, what was worse, I allowed the murderer to teach me, to raise me, to take their place.

  “You killed my family.” I spoke without emotion, not asking a question, just stating a fact.

  “Not your family. Not your real family. And they were the ones who killed you. Took you, made you hide, made you forget, made you afraid of your own abilities.” He touched my shoulder again, the heat repulsive this time. “They didn’t deserve to live.”

  I was on my feet then, my hands around his throat, pinning him against the wall. He didn’t even attempt to resist, his hollow eyes looking unflinchingly into mine as my grasp tightened.

  Chapter 13

  “Joshua!” Her voice penetrated my rage, and I could feel her hands pulling weakly at my arms. “Joshua, let go. Please. You’re killing him!” There was fear in her voice, panic. “You’re not like him. You’re not.” I watched the color draining from his face as he continued to look levelly at me, his memories becoming foggy, unclear. His eyes were beginning to roll. I released my grip, pulling my hands away abruptly. She was wrong, of course. I was exactly like him.

  His face was composed as he calmly stood and caught his breath. As sick and as frail as he was, he was still stronger than I. He had never been weak. After he regained his composure, he simply straightened his shirt and asked, “Are you done?”

  I wanted to stalk out, to leave, to take Lexi back home to where she was safe and surrounded by her own family, to just continue my meaningless existence. But he’d changed everything now. No matter how I felt about him and what he’d done and what he’d made me, the fact was, there were others out there like me. Family. Answers.

  “So how do I get back?” I finally asked. “Is it possible?”

  “Not with her.” He gestured dismissively to Lexi.

  “No.” As hurtful as it would be for her to hear me say it, I was in agreement with him. How could I bring her with me? It wouldn’t be safe for her. It wouldn’t be right. It hadn’t been right to bring her with me this far. I would never endanger her like this again.

  “It’s a long way, too. Especially if you intend to fly.”

  “I’m used to it. I’ve been all over.”

  “I am aware,” Nik said. “I’m the one who taught you to keep moving.” I had so many other questions.

  Instead, I said, “Show me how.”

  He did. We sat on the couch and he reached out and took my hands. He showed me first my home: tall mountaintops and, within the deep caverns, many single, dark dwellings, their door openings covered by thick leather curtains. I saw winged inhabitants that walked within the dwellings and flew without, high in the air, among and above the mountains. Then, in my mind, he slowly and carefully showed me his memories of a map he’d created, from the edge of Siberia into the mountain territories, to where I would find the caves in which they dwelt. The map was sketched in my mind’s eye and it was perfect. He went over the wordless instructions again, as Lexi watched our silent exchange quietly. Then he rose and headed out of the room. “Goodnight, Joshua,” he said, without turning. “Help yourself to food for the journey. You’ll need enough for ten days. Eric will show you to your room now.” As he passed through the kitchen, he inclined his head towards Eric, who opened the cupboard for me and stood waiting against the counter.

  They’d thought ahead. There were bottles of water, stacks of granola bars, and cans of food with pull tabs. I’d need enough to last me, but it would have to fit in my bag—and it couldn’t weigh me down too much. I filled the pack carefully with as little as I could. Enough for survival, nothing more. As I zipped it up, Eric gestured. I straightened, taking Lexi’s hand wor
dlessly and following him.

  I considered leaving immediately—grabbing my still-packed bag and starting out right away. It was already dark, and I was eager to get away from this place, from Nik, and from the way I hated him. But before I’d even finished the thought, I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that, before I could set out, I would need to have Lexi safely on her way back home. Eric would need to be safe too. Whether he realized it or not, he knew enough to make himself a threat to Nik, and I was aware of how Nik dealt with threats. I would need to take both of them with me and put enough distance between them and Nik to let me believe they would be safe. I tried to keep my expression neutral as Eric led us down the short, narrow hallway.

  As nice as it would have been to have forgiven Nik, nothing had changed. In fact, his confessions had only made it worse. I knew him now to be even less of a human being than I had previously thought.

  He had given us a room on the main floor. Outside the open door, Eric paused. “Will you two be—sharing a room?” I wasn’t planning on leaving her alone, even for a moment, never mind all night. I noted, with some satisfaction, that he looked disappointed when I nodded. When we were alone in our room, I felt Lexi shift beside me, uneasily. I followed her gaze to the double bed in the middle of the room. We’d lain in her bed together before, but it had never felt so serious.

  “So, should I make up my bed on the floor?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light.

  She colored slightly. “I’m sure we can share this bed without ... complicating things.”

  I made the first move into the room and sat on the bed. Feigning nonchalance, I pulled off my shoes. She sat beside me. “What are you going to do now?” she asked.

  “Now? I guess now I’m going to try to get some sleep.”

  “You know that’s not what I meant.”

  “I know. I guess I’m going to find them. You know, right, that I can’t take you with me? But I can’t leave you here, either.”

  “Why not? If you’re just going to take off anyway, what difference does it make?” I knew she was trying to sound casual, but she couldn’t take the bite out of her tone. “I’m sure Eric will give me a ride back.” She emphasized his name, trying to strike at me with it.

  “He could. But I’m not sure how much I trust him, either. And besides, everything I know about Nik tells me that I can’t be leaving anyone here with him, considering how much you two know.” I felt her shudder beside me.

  “You really think he’s capable of that?”

  “I know he is. You do too.”

  She nodded, touching my arm. “I’m sorry about your parents.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You really don’t need to do this alone.” There was no sense in me arguing with her. She was wrong, of course. I didn’t even know where I was going, exactly. And when I got there, I didn’t know what would happen. She had the whole world at her fingertips. How could I ever let her give any of it up for something as uncertain as this? I didn’t tell her how much I wanted her to come with me, though, how much it killed me to turn her down. I imagined what it would feel like to have her in my arms as I flew towards this new life, to feel her body beside me each time I lay down to rest. It wouldn’t make it any easier for her to know how much I actually cared about her. It wouldn’t help her to know that, for the briefest moment, when I realized Nik had had his wings removed, I’d almost envied him. “Do you believe him? About everything?”

  I nodded slowly. “I remember now. Not the stuff from before, not my life with my real family. But growing up. My mom and dad. The place we lived. I remember everything. And I remember the night Nik attacked us. The night he took everything from me.” I looked towards the door, thinking again about Nik. “We’ll get somewhere safe before I go.”

  She gestured now to her small bag, crammed full with her clothes and accessories. “I’m going to get changed.” She let the statement hang in the air. I was tempted to make myself comfortable. I suspected she wouldn’t object.

  Instead, I nodded quickly. “I’ll wait outside the room.” I left and closed the door behind me, leaning against the cool wall in the hallway. Nik was up. I could see him in the leather recliner in the living room. His head was turned and he was staring blankly out the window. As if he sensed my eyes on him, he shifted his gaze to mine.

  “So you two aren’t together?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. But not like you mean.”

  “She’s not bad looking, I’ll give you that. But where you’re from, there are beauties I can’t even describe to you, both in your village and the neighboring ones. You’ll be glad you returned unattached.” I rebelled inwardly at his words, but they held appeal for me at the same time. I’d never thought of the possibility of meeting a woman who was like me, who wouldn’t see me as strange or exotic or exciting, except for the fact that I’d lived far away for so long. A woman of my own kind. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was losing something far more valuable in Lexi. Even when I’d lied to her about the wings, I’d never lied to her about who I was. And she didn’t love me because of the wings, nor in spite of them. She just loved me.

  I was pretty sure that I would always hate Nik but, as I stood there, looking at the dying man sitting alone in the darkened living room, I didn’t. “Thanks for the truth,” I told him, meaning it.

  I heard Lexi call my name. Nik inclined his head. “Good night, Joshua.”

  “Goodnight.” I returned to the room. Lexi was waiting. She was sitting on the bed, pretending to read, with her legs under the thick comforter. She was dressed in the pale blue nightshirt I’d seen her in a number of times before. I had never noticed how extraordinarily fine she looked wearing it, how the neckline flowed along her collar bone, how the thin fabric hugged the curves of her slender shoulders, how the blue hue made her skin look even more creamy white than it already did. It was difficult for me to tear my gaze away, but she seemed to be making such a valiant effort to look relaxed that I felt I should follow suit. “If you don’t mind, I’ll slide in beside you, although I’m not sure I’ll sleep.” Her head shot up, eyes wide, cheeks pink with the unintended implication. “I mean—because it’s night. I don’t usually sleep at night,” I rushed to explain. “And we won’t be staying the whole night. ”

  “Oh. Sure.” She looked embarrassed.

  Since I wasn’t planning to sleep, undressing was unnecessary. Saying goodbye would be difficult enough as it was. If I let myself feel any more than I already did, it just might be impossible. Fully clothed, I slid into the bed beside her. She put her book away and we turned, lying on our sides simultaneously, to face one another. She rested her cold feet on mine. I knew she could hardly make out my face in the dark of the room, but she smiled at me. “I can’t believe this will be our last night together.”

  “I know.”

  “Will you miss me?”

  “Yes.” I didn’t know if it would be enough for her. She reached out her hand in the darkness and rested her palm on my face. It was.

  “You’re a good man, Joshua. No matter what you’ve done or how you feel about yourself,” she said, tracing my mouth with her thumb. “I’ve been lucky to know you.”

  “You know I’m the lucky one,” I said.

  “You too.” She moved closer and pressed her lips gently against mine. A torrent of emotions ran through me at the touch of her mouth. Gratefulness. Loss. But most of all, consuming need. I deepened the kiss and wrapped my arms around her body, pulling her tight against me. She was so warm. I was losing control; I felt it slipping away, even as I realized we had to stop. I turned my face, pulling back breathlessly and moving my lips away from hers. This wasn’t fair to her, and the loss would be unbearable to me if I let it go any further.

  Wordlessly, she turned onto her back and, after I rolled onto my stomach, she moved to lie again against my body, our arm and leg touching.

  We lay like that, my wings fanned out over our bodies, heads turned towards one another, until her
eyelids grew heavy and she had to fight to keep her eyes open. “I like being here with you Joshua. It feels safe.”

  “It is safe.” It was my promise to her. She didn’t miss it.

  “I know.” She reached up now, carefully running her fingertips along the body of my wings. “They’re really beautiful. I can’t believe I ever thought they weren’t part of you.”

  “Sometimes, I wish they weren’t, although I can’t imagine having them removed like Nik did.”

  “I think it would be sad,” she said. “No wonder he was so angry.”

  “It was his choice to get them removed.”

  “I know. But it must have hurt him every time you flew and he couldn’t. I see how you are when we’re up there. It’s where you’re most at home.”

  “It is where I’m most at home,” I said, “there, and right here, with you.”

  “Me too. You’ll always have a home with me.” She ran her hand along the wings to my shoulder and down my arm. Her hand moved to rest on mine, and we lay like that until her eyes drifted close and her breathing became deep and rhythmic. Eventually, I got up, careful not to move the bed too much and waken her. I quietly packed up. We’d be gone before Nik awoke in the morning.

  It didn’t take long for me to ready our things. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I marvelled how one person could come to mean so much to me.

  At four o’clock, it was time to go. I ran my hand gently along her arm. Her eyelids fluttered open, and she blinked at me and offered a slow smile. “Time to go already?”

  “Yep.”

  She blinked again and sat up. “It’s still dark. Are we all packed?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Are we bringing Eric?”

  “We are. Just be ready, okay?” I padded quickly down the hall until I stood outside Eric’s room. The door was open, and he lay sprawled across his bed, snoring. Waking him was a gamble. If he were loyal to Nik, he’d wake him and leaving would be messy. I risked it anyway. “Eric.” Louder. “Eric.”