by K. L. Myers
Before I can respond, ‘Lego House’ sounds from my pocket. My hand immediately reaches in and grabs my phone as I turn and head for the diner door. “Kayla, that you, princess?”
When her voice comes through the line, an immediate calmness soothes me. “It is me. Are you okay? You sound a little upset.”
“Ah, princess, not upset, just anxious to hear your voice and know that you’re alright. You are alright, aren’t you?”
I don’t even notice that my feet are walking me back to the bus as I listen to her explain everything that happened that morning and all the way up to her call. The surgery went well; in fact, the doctors feel that there may be a possibility she may be able to go without radiation. They were able to do her mastectomy and her reconstruction surgery all at the same time. She’ll just have to go back a couple of months from now so they can do her nipple and areola reconstruction. I was feeling good about everything until she said the words “double mastectomy.”
“I hadn’t realized you decided to go with removing both of them, princess. I mean, I know you mentioned it, but we never talked about it in detail, so I just thought you’d decided against it.”
Kayla’s voice changes from happy to apprehensive in just seconds. “I decided it was better to just remove any chances of future issues now. I don’t think I could go through this again if it happened later down the road, Cayson.” She pauses for a moment before adding, “Does that bother you? You know, that I don’t have them anymore?”
“Oh, princess, it doesn’t bother me at all.” Those are the words I’m supposed to say, correct? I mean, they are the words I do say, but I’m not sure they’re accurate words. When she first told me that was a possibility, I hadn’t given it much thought. I was more worried about her and her health, so I didn’t give it a second thought. But now, I feel a little robbed of the ability to weigh in on the subject before it happened. This was a life-changing moment for her and for us, and she didn’t even ask my opinion on the matter. “I’m glad your good, princess. We’re just sitting down for dinner. I’ll call you afterward. Miss you, princess, I really do.” I don’t wait for her response; I just hung up the phone. I don’t go back into the diner. I’ve lost my appetite completely, so I head to the bus and lock myself away in my room.
Chapter 19
Kayla
Well, that wasn’t the response I expected from Cayson. It has been hours since I last talked to him. I was sure he would be worried about me, and as soon as I woke up and knew everything with me was going to be just fine, I wanted to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice, to know he was still in this with me. I hadn’t expected to feel like I’ve been brushed aside. I know the routine; there isn’t a lot of time for stops. Still, I couldn’t help but feel all alone all of a sudden.
I still haven’t heard back from Cayson by the time Mom arrives the next day to pick me up and take me home. Depression has started to set in. All I can think about is, Will he still like me? or Am I still going to be attractive to him? I have lost both of my breasts; I can’t stand to lose him, too.
The doctors have talked to me about experiencing reactive depression at times. I wasn’t worried about it, though, because I have a great support system with two amazing women and my mom. Hell, I was extra confident that I’d have Cayson as well. Only now, I’m second-guessing everything.
Upon entering my home, I’m surprised to find a few dozen roses on the table. “When did those come?” I query.
“This morning,” Mom says as she passes by me carrying my overnight bag and my medicines. “I’ll put this in your room.”
Mom has thought of everything: the iPad sits on the table next to the sofa, a few pillows and a blanket are tucked into the opposite corner of the sofa, and the TV remote lies on the pillow where I’m going to plop my ass. Mom strides back into the room with a glass of water and two pills. “Doctor said to take these once you got home; they’ll help with the pain. Do you want anything else before I run to the store?” I shake my head no. “Alrighty, then. When I get back, we’ll check your drains, but until then, rest. Take a nap. Don’t do anything stupid like try to lift something. Here’s your phone. Now, behave yourself.” With a kiss to my head, just like when I was a child, Mom leaves.
I stare at my phone trying to understand why I have no missed calls or texts from Cayson. I hate being needy, but for some reason, I can’t control myself, so I dial his number. When he doesn’t answer, I just hang up. A few minutes later, a text comes through.
ROCK GOD: Sorry, can’t talk. You OK?
ME: Sure, I’m home. Call me when you can.
ROCK GOD: You alone?
ME: No. Mom ran to the store, but she’ll be back, and she’ll stay with me.
ROCK GOD: Good
That is the last text I receive from Cayson. It’s now a week later. After two days of him not picking up or replying to my texts, I just stopped trying. When Mom or Brenda would ask how he was doing, I’d just respond with a simple “He’s fine.” It’s no one’s business that the most important part of my support team has gone MIA.
Chapter 20
Cayson
I didn’t know how long I lay there in the dark on my bed. A knock at my door brought me back to reality. “CJ, you in there? We brought you back something to eat.” I hadn’t even given any thought to dinner until Ellie called through the door.
“Not hungry. Just put it in the fridge for later.” My thoughts were all over the place. Did I want to be in a relationship with someone who could get ill again? Not just ill but could actually die. Could I handle getting in deeper and finally admitting that I’m in love with Kayla, only to have her ripped from me down the road? I wasn’t so sure anymore.
An hour later, Ellie was at my side, reaching down to turn on the light. I hadn’t even heard her knock or enter. “You want to talk about what’s bothering you, CJ?”
Rolling to my side, I patted the bed beside me. Ellie lay down facing me. “What’s wrong, CJ?”
Of all people, I knew Ellie wouldn’t judge me by my answer, but I was still hesitant to say it out loud. “I don’t know if I can be in a relationship with someone who has cancer,” I told her.
Just as I’d thought, Ellie didn’t pass judgment; she just responded as sincerely as possible. “You mean had cancer, right, CJ? Kayla had cancer. She’s fine now.”
I closed my eyes as I nodded my head. “She had a double mastectomy, Ellie. She did that without talking to me about it first. We’re supposed to be a team. You know, building our relationship and future together, but she didn’t even think to discuss it with me. How do I get past that?”
Ellie’s face was full of emotion and understanding when she responded to my question. “You just do, CJ. This was her decision; it’s her body. She’s the one who has to live with it for the rest of her life.” Ellie rolled to her back then turned her head to face me. “I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have to remove a piece of your body. Let alone a piece that would make you feel like you were less than a woman and take away your self-esteem. Have you tried putting yourself in her shoes?”
Ellie’s words were like a slap in the face. “I have thought about it,” I said, but Ellie just looked at me blankly. “Have you, CJ? Can you honestly say you’ve thought about it from her perspective?”
“No,” I said , rolling onto my back, so our shoulders were touching side to side.
Ellie and I rested there the remaining part of the night, talking for hours. Mainly, I told her how I was feeling, while she helped me see things from Kayla’s perspective. Or at least what she thought Kayla’s perspective might be. At one point, when my question was followed by dead silence, I looked over to find Ellie had fallen asleep. I was about to wake her but then decided against it and closed my eyes hoping to find some rest.
Rest was anything but what I got. Though my eyes were closed, a video reel kept playing in my head with Kayla as the starring character. I could see her standing in the front row at my concerts wavin
g to me and smiling. I sing to her, and her smile grows bigger. No matter how many times I run the stage and engage with the audience, I always end the show on my knees in front of her. By the fifth time this movie sequence played in my dreams, the ending was different. This time, I drop to my knees and look out at the crowd, but her chair is empty. I’m about to call to her when an angry voice calls out instead.
“What the ever living fuck are you doing sleeping with my sister, CJ?”
Immediately, my eye’s flew open to find Rocky standing in the doorway to my room at the back of the bus. Ellie sprung to her feet when she heard Rocky’s voice as well. “Calm down, Rocky, it’s not what you’re thinking. For Christ sakes, we’re fully dressed. We just fell asleep talking last night,” I yelled back at him. I was insulted that he would think I would do such a thing.
“Bullshit,” Rocky yelled, his eyes full of rage and a bit bloodshot and glassy. “You expect me to believe that when I come in here and you're lying in each other's arms?”
Ellie piped in at that moment. “Nothing happened. What you walked in on was two fully clothed adults and me comforting a friend who is going through a tough time right now. Get over yourself, big brother, and put down the bottle. You smell like you’ve been bathing in bourbon all night long.” Not willing to wait for an answer from Rocky, Ellie shoulder checked her brother as she walked past him. Rocky continued to give me the evil eye for a few more moments and then turn and punched the wall before walking away.
Later that morning, when my phone rang with the all too familiar Ed Sheran song, guilt for last night washed over me, and I refused to answer. Ellie, hearing the song, looked over at me and then gave me a disappointed look when I didn’t pick up. As I held the phone in my hand, I contemplated what I’d say to Kayla. After all, I was still not sure how I was feeling, so I just typed out a text.
ME: Sorry, can’t talk. You OK?
KAYLA: Sure, I’m home. Call me when you can.
ME: You alone?
KAYLA: No. Mom ran to the store, but she’ll be back, and she’ll stay with me.
Knowing she was in good hands and that both my mom and hers would tend to anything she needed, I replied with one word and then powered off my phone.
ME: Good
Later that evening, I powered it up only to find several voice messages from Kayla. I was a coward and didn’t return a single one, and over the next few days, I continued to avoid her calls and texts.
The only thing keeping me sain was the music. After all, it had been my coping mechanism for years. I got lost in the sound of the crowds and the beat of the drums. When I was on stage, everything around me was gone, and all I felt was the moment. There was no Kayla and no cancer, just me and the guys doing what we love.
By the end of the week, the texts and calls stopped coming from Kayla. That’s when it hits me that I have been so consumed by what I want and what I feel that I really haven’t stopped to put myself in Kayla’s shoes like I told Ellie I had. I’ve lied to her and myself, and it’s time to pick up the phone and deal with the mess I’ve made. Only this time, I’m the one being ignored and leaving voice messages to call me back.
I let Kayla ignore my calls for a week before I can’t take it anymore. I deserve it, and I’m willing to take my punishment, but enough is enough.
ME: I know you’re getting my voicemails.
After five minutes with no response, I send another.
ME: You can’t keep ignoring me.
But ignoring me is exactly what she’s doing. When thirty minutes pass and I still have no response, I send one more text in hopes she will respond. If she doesn’t, I’m going to be forced to call my mom and explain that she raised a callous asshole and beg her for help.
ME: I know you’re ignoring me on purpose, and I deserve it. But princess, please give me a chance to explain.
Instantaneously, the little bubbles start jumping up and down on my phone.
KAYLA: Do not call me. Leave me alone and stop calling me princess. You lost that privilege over a week ago.
I deserve her anger, but I’m not giving up.
ME: Just give me ten minutes to talk to you and explain.
I wait and wait, but no response comes. I’m truly fucked, and the only way I’m getting through tonight is with a bottle of whiskey.
Chapter 21
Kayla
I let Cayson stew in his misery for a few days. At first, I wasn’t going to call him back. After all, he deserted me when I needed him the most. But the more I think about it, the more I deserve to know what the hell happened. I don’t need to forgive him if I don’t want to, but I do need to hear his explanation, or I will never have any closure. The clock on the side of my bed reads 1:30 a.m. I know Cayson’s schedule well enough to know he will still be wound up from the show and won’t be asleep yet. I punch in his number and let the phone ring until it goes to voicemail, and then hang up. I wait just a few more minutes before I try again. Only this time when the phone picks up, it isn’t Cayson; it’s a female's voice saying, “Hello.” When I don’t respond, I heard her ask, “Kayla, are you there?” How does she know it’s me on the other end? Better yet, how does she even know who I am? I immediately hang up and toss the phone across the room, shattering it into pieces.
The door to my room swings open and in rushes Brenda. “Are you alright, dear? I heard a loud bang.”
I want to tell her that I’m perfectly fine so I don’t have to explain what has just happened, but I can’t. I’m not alright, and her son is the reason why. I think I have my emotions all under control until I see the worry on her face. I can’t control the tears any longer, and they begin to fall from my eyes. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll be fine, Brenda. You can go back to bed.”
Brenda steps around the pieces of my broken phone as she walks over to my bed and takes a seat. “Judging by the shape of your phone, I think I’d be safe to assume this has to do with my son. Do you want to talk about it?”
I don’t intend on sharing this with anyone. After all, I’ve done such a great job keeping it a secret until now. Brenda sits quietly as I go over the events of the last two weeks. My tears have subsided long enough for me to put together coherent sentences until I get to the part of him having found another woman. Those words are the hardest to say, but I eventually get them out in between sobs and hiccups.
Brenda leans in to wrap her arms around me but then stops and grabs my hand in hers instead. Tenderly, she pats it when she speaks. “I know my son, Kayla, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not with anyone else. Since the day he met you, you’re all he thinks about. I can’t say why he acted the way he did or why he avoided your calls, but I assure you on my life that it is not another woman.”
I want to believe Brenda more than anything, but my mind just can’t. “A woman answered his phone, Brenda. Isn’t that proof enough?”
“No,” Brenda states vehemently. “It doesn’t mean anything other than a woman answered his phone. You don’t know who she is or why she answered it. Only that she did. I suggest that you give him the opportunity to explain.” I roll my eyes at her suggestion. “I’m not saying that, Kayla, because he’s my son. I’m saying it because you deserve to find out the truth and not jump to conclusions. Then, if you are right, I’ll personally fly out and kill him myself.” Brenda’s last comment has me laughing.
Just like my mother would, Brenda reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear and wipes away my tears. “Hold on a second,” she says and leaves the room, only to return a few moments later with her cell phone in hand. “Call him, let him explain. You owe that to yourself.” I take the phone from her hand, clasping it tightly as she leaves the room, closing my door behind her.
It takes me forever to get the strength to dial the number, but once the phone rings, I’m committed to seeing it through. Good or bad, I’m going to get the answers I need. Cayson picks up on the second ring and begins to speak. Fear resonates in his voice.
&nbs
p; “Mom, thank God you called. I’ve been trying to call Kayla, but she’s not picking up. I need to speak to her, Mom. Ellie picked up my phone for me when she saw Kayla’s name on the display. It’s not what she thinks it is, Mom. I can’t lose her. I just can’t.”
I know from the sound of panic in his voice and the sincerity in which he speaks that I have jumped to all kinds of conclusions. “Cayson, it’s me.”
“Princess, oh thank God. Wait, why are you calling from my mom's phone?”
This is going to be embarrassing to admit. “I might or might not have hurled my phone across the room, shattering it into pieces,” I tell him.
I can hear the laughter in his voice. “You’re such a badass, princess.” Immediately after the words leave his mouth, I feel the atmosphere change. It’s weird that we’re thousands of miles away from each other and on the phone, yet I feel it. The minute he takes in a heavy sigh, everything changes. “Princess, it’s not what you think. I swear to you. I know you have no reason to believe me. After all, I did ignore you for a week, and that explanation is next, but Ellie answering my phone isn’t what you assume it is. Ellie is Rocky’s sister, and she just didn’t want me to miss your call again. I swear it, princess.”
Cayson’s voice is desperate and laced with emotion. I know deep down he’s telling the truth. I’m willing to admit that I overreacted on that part, but I’m not willing to let him off when it comes to ignoring me. I’m angry all over again.
“I called because I want answers, Cayson. Answers to why you ignored my calls when I needed you most. You were supposed to be there for me. Remember? Partners? Or does that only apply when you want it to?”
“No, you’re right, princess, we were partners. I mean, we are partners. I let you down and didn’t hold up my end of the deal, and for that, I am so, so very sorry.” Cayson’s voice takes on a whole new tone that almost sounds like defeat.