“Rachel, I have your test results,” he said. He then turned to me. “Hello, I’m Dr. Palmer. You must be Rachel’s husband,” he said, extending his hand to me.
I shook his hand and said, “Fiancée, actually.”
“Oh, pardon me,” Dr. Palmer said.
“Not a problem. So you were talking about Rachel’s test results?”
“Yes. I’m afraid I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you didn’t suffer any major traumas from the accident. However, on the scan we did of your body we found a mass on your chest, and we believe it might be cancerous.”
My whole face dropped instantly. “Cancerous! She’s only twenty-five.”
“This happens sometimes, but we won’t know for sure until we do more tests.”
“When can you start?” I asked.
“It’s already about 3 in the morning, so if you want you can stay here and we’ll do the tests first thing in the morning.”
“Ok, thank you.”
Dr. Palmer walked out and left Rachel and me alone. No word had come out of her mouth since Dr. Palmer told us the news. She must have been in shock as much as I was. What difficult news to take in! I walked to her and placed my hand on her arm.
“Rachel, are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m just thinking.” She looked at me sadly and then continued talking. “I’m going to die just like Tom did. This is karma.”
“You don’t believe in karma, do you? This is life. It has its ups and definitely has its downs. Plus the doctor said they think it might be cancerous. So there is still hope. We can get through this, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. I’ll be right back. I’m going to grab some coffee.”
I walked out of the room with my head spinning. I was completely destroyed. Rachel had been having an affair—cheating on me—for 6 months, and I was so transfixed in my own world I didn’t notice changes in her until a few weeks ago. But I knew I wasn’t to blame. She made her choice. She could have talked to me and told me what was going on, but she decided to cheat on me instead. I was hurt and my heart was aching. I felt so stupid and so betrayed, but I couldn’t truly be mad at her. How could I? She lost someone she really cared about. Even if I wanted to hate him, there was no point. He was dead. To top it all off she might have cancer. To me his death and losing my trust were punishment enough for her. When I got back to the room Rachel was crying. As soon as she saw me she wiped her tears away. I walked over to her bed and hugged her.
“I may not be Tom, but I love you, and I’m not going to leave. I’ll be by your side every step of the way. You should rest.”
I kissed her on her forehead and she laid her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes.
Chapter thirty-two
Rachel
I woke up as sad as when I went to sleep; a strange feeling of melancholy resided over me. Ethan was sleeping on a chair in front of me, and although it was daytime, the room was almost completely dark. I got up from the bed and drew the shades open, letting light burst into the room. Ethan opened his eyes and rubbed them.
“Hey you,” he said.
“Hey.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Alright, I guess. A bit anxious.”
“Has anyone come in to take you for your test?”
“Not yet. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”
About half an hour later a nurse walked in and told me to get ready for my test and that she would come get me in about five minutes. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, then sat on the bed and waited patiently for the nurse to come back.
“Don’t be nervous,” Ethan said. “Everything will be ok.”
“I sure hope so.”
The nurse walked into room and told me to follow her. The hospital seemed empty in the morning almost as if it were haunted. I followed her down hall after hall, the white walls starting to drive me insane; I felt as if I were in an asylum. We finally stopped in front of the door and she led me in.
“Wait here. The doctor will be here shortly to conduct the examination.”
About ten minutes later the doctor walked in with a different nurse. “Good morning, Rachel. Let’s start the exam to see if the mass really is cancerous.” He put my breasts on a machine that pinched each breast when the machine was turned on. After about 30 minutes the test was done. The doctor told me I could go back to my room and he would be there with my results in about two hours. I walked back to the room and Ethan stood up when I entered.
“How did it go?”
“I’m not sure. The doctor said he would be here in about two hours with the results, so I guess we’ll know then. What I do know is that it hurt when they did the test. It felt like they were cutting into my breasts. Honestly, it was pretty bad.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, but let’s hope that you don’t have anything. I’m kind of hungry. Do you want anything from the cafeteria?”
“How about a turkey sandwich and an apple juice?”
“Ok, I’ll be back soon.”
Ethan left the room and I was left alone with my thoughts. I laid down on the bed and the only thing I could think about was Tom. He was gone forever; I would never call his name again. Every time I looked at Ethan I would get confused and think of calling him Tom. I know if Tom were still alive we wouldn’t be together because of what he did; but it was different now. His poor mother must have been devastated when she got the news. At that moment I decided I was going to give her a call. I looked for my phone and then started scrolling through my past calls. I found Mrs. Cooper’s number and pressed call. The phone rang twice and then she picked up. I got so nervous, I’m pretty sure my voice sounded cracked.
“Hello, Mrs. Cooper?”
“Yes, this is she.”
“It’s Rachel.
“Rachel, I’m so glad you called. I wasn’t sure who else I could call who could be feeling my loss as greatly,” she said. She started crying.
“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Cooper. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t confronted him about the other woman he would have never looked away from the road and he would still be alive.”
“This is not your fault, Rachel. Sometimes these things just happen. I never thought I would have another family member taken from me in a car accident. I’m just glad that one of you made it out ok.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through this again, Mrs. Cooper. If there is anything I can help with let me know.”
“Well, for starters you can call me Debora.”
“Ok, Debora.”
“The funeral is going to be Tuesday. I’d like it very much if you could come.”
“I would like to be there. Where is going to be?”
“His wake is going to be at Plaza Jewish Community Service and his burial at New York Marble Cemetery.”
“I’ll be there. What time is it going to be held?”
“The wake starts at 2 pm. Do you think you can say a few words?”
“I can try.”
“Thank you so much, Rachel. Take care of yourself now.”
“I will. You too, Debora.”
“See you Tuesday.”
Debora hung up and I was left with the silence of the room. A few minutes passed and Ethan came back with our food. He handed me the sandwich and started eating his hamburger.
“That’s cruel,” I said to him. “Don’t you think?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure if you were allowed to eat greasy food so I brought you the sandwich you asked me for.”
I started laughing and said, “It’s okay. I wanted a sandwich anyway.”
He smiled at me, then walked over to the bed. When he got next to me he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.
“Rachel,” he said, “you have no idea how relieved I was that nothing happened to you in that accident. I don’t care where you were coming from. I don’t care who you were with. If I had been told you had died it would have completely destroyed me. More than what anything you could have possibl
y done with Tom. I’m not telling you I’m not hurt, but I can live with the mistakes you made as long as you don’t make them again because I love you.”
He hugged me again and then sat down to eat. Ethan was such a good man. I was so blinded by the fact that he was always at work and by my insecurities that I didn’t notice how good of a man he was. Which to me now was simply stupid. I was in extreme emotional pain because I hadn’t known how to appreciate what was right in front of me. I put my relationship in jeopardy for something that seemed good but when it came down to it, it was not as good as it seemed. Tom turned out to have the same negative qualities many men today have. However, that didn’t change how I felt or how I still feel for him. He may be gone, but in my heart there is still love for him and I know what happened has changed some part of me.
I looked up and Ethan started talking again. “Even though I do forgive you, Rachel. I need you to understand that I need some time to get over this. What you told me is not something that’s easy to hear. All I ask for is that you have patience with me while I try to get back to the way I was with you.”
“I understand, and I’m truly sorry that I have put you in this position where you have to try to trust and possibly love me again. I’m going to do everything in my power to convince you that I can be trustworthy.”
I stayed silent a few minutes. I didn’t know how to tell Ethan that Debora wanted me to go to Tom’s funeral. I felt there was no right way to say it so I just came out with it. “Ethan… Tom’s mother wants me to go to his funeral. Do you mind if I go?”
He looked down. “No, I don’t mind. I mean you can’t really do any more damage than you already did, but I would like to go with you.”
“Okay. The funeral is Tuesday at two. Well, actually the wake is at two and the funeral is after the wake. Tom’s mom asked me if I could speak at the wake. Do you mind if I speak?”
“Does it really matter? You can do whatever you want.”
“Ok.”
There was a long silence before Ethan spoke again. “So how long till the doctor comes?”
“He said in two hours, so he’ll be here in about half an hour.”
“Ok.”
Fifteen minutes passed and Dr. Palmer walked into the room with my test results in hand. “Hello again,” he said, as he walked into the room. “I have your test results, so let’s discuss them now.” He stood in front of the bed; I was sitting in a chair beside it.
“The mass we found is indeed cancerous.”
As soon as he pronounced those words Ethan sank into the chair next to me, and my mind sank with him. I kept hearing him talk but my mind was elsewhere. I had cancer. Twenty-five years old and I had cancer inside my body. But not just any type of cancer. It was the one I always feared I would get, breast cancer.
“Do you have any questions?”
I could hear him asking the question, but my mind was just out of it.
Since I didn’t respond he asked the question again. “Do you have any questions for me?”
I finally snapped back into the conversation and looked at the doctor. “I’m sorry, Dr. Palmer, but my mind wandered off. Can you repeat what you said?”
“This happens often. The shock doesn’t let us process all the information we hear. I was saying that the cancer thankfully is in stage one. This means it hasn’t spread anywhere and it is strictly in your left breast. If we operate you’ll be ok.”
“Does that mean I’ll lose my breast?”
“If the mass is too big, there is a possibility we may have to remove the whole breast.”
The idea of losing one of my breasts was horrible, not only because of the pain I would feel from the surgery but also because of the psychological toll that it could take on me.
“But don’t worry,” the doctor continued, “if to remove the mass we have to remove part or all of your breast, we can do reconstructive surgery.”
I looked at Ethan and he smiled at me. “Don’t worry. I’ll be here every step of the way. Just focus on getting through one day at a time.”
“The other option is that you get chemotherapy, which could destroy the cancer but it may not be as effective and will be a little harder to endure. My suggestion is you go for the surgery because it will be more effective, quicker, and the chance of the cancer spreading is less. I’ll leave you alone so you can discuss it.”
Dr. Palmer walked out of the room so Ethan and I could talk.
Ethan sat by my bed and grabbed my hand.
“What do you want to do?” he asked.
“I’m not sure, Ethan. Everything scares me.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll be ok and I’m going to be with you to help. I’m going to give you my honest opinion and you decide what you think is best.”
“Ok.”
“The chemo sounds intense. I wouldn’t want that for you, and I’ve heard it sometimes takes a lot of your energy away. In contrast, the surgery is one easy cut and you’re home free. Goodbye cancer. Hello freedom!”
“But I’ll have to get my breast reconstructed.”
“The possibility that you’ll have to have your breast reconstructed is a negative. But still I think it’s better than having to come to the hospital for who knows how many weeks and most likely lose a lot of your strength. It’s a lot to handle. But as I said before, whatever you choose I’ll be here for you.”
“Ok...I think I’ll go for the surgery because I want to get this over with. I’ve never liked hospitals, and I don’t think I’m going to start liking them now.”
“Ok then. Should I call Dr. Palmer back in?”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
Tom walked out of the room and came back with Dr. Palmer.
“So what did you guys decide?”
“We’re going to go for the surgery.”
“Ok. We can schedule the surgery for any day between Wednesday and Friday next week. When would you like to do it?”
I looked at Ethan and asked, “What do you think?”
“If you want to do it sooner than later, I’d say Wednesday.”
“But I’m going to be absent from work today and tomorrow so maybe I should do it Friday.”
“I think you’re right.”
“So, Friday then?” Dr. Palmer asked.
“Yes,” Ethan and I said together.
“Ok, I’ll leave you to it and I will see you next week Friday.”
Dr. Palmer walked out of the room and with his absence entered the frightening thought that the next time I saw him I would be lying on a table surrounded by people who would be working inside my body.
Chapter thirty-three
Ethan
The last day has been horrible in every sense of the word. I found out that Rachel has been unfaithful to me and next that she has cancer. The only good news was that the cancer hasn’t spread to other parts of her body and, therefore, was operable. However, the area affected is her left breast, and she could lose it. If she has to have reconstructive surgery I will stand by her. I won’t deny that I am scared and at times feel like running from the situation. It’s one thing for my patients to be sick; but it’s completely different when my loved ones are. I love her too much to leave her when she is going through such a struggle, but this whole Tom revelation is destroying me. I’m trying to put up a good front, but sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose it. And to top it off, today isn’t setting up to be a good day either. I told Rachel I would go to Tom’s funeral with her because I know she is heartbroken, yet it hurts to know she is heartbroken over the death of another man.
We arrived at the wake early because Tom’s mother asked Rachel to speak and she accepted. As soon as Tom’s mother saw Rachel, she hugged her and they started crying. Rachel tried to comfort her. Rachel was scheduled to speak right after Tom’s mother, which bothered me because it showed that Tom’s mother knew that Rachel had been important to Tom or maybe that Tom had been important to Rachel. There were hundreds of people in the chapel; to be so young,
he truly knew a lot of people. Tom’s mother said some really nice words about her son, words that only she as his mother could and would know to say.
When Tom’s mother finished speaking, it was Rachel’s turn. I could tell she was nervous by the way she kept touching her hair. She stood up and walked to the podium, adjusted herself when she was in front of everyone, and then started talking.
This is what she said:
“I thought about writing something for this moment, but everything that I tried to write just didn’t seem right. There was nothing that I could put on a piece of paper that would help me for this moment. I was asked yesterday if I wanted to speak at the wake and I decided that I did. I remember the first time I met Tom. I was working when a voice asked me if he could get some help. The person sounded arrogant in the way he spoke, which irritated me. But then he started talking to me and I noticed that he wasn’t arrogant at all; he was just a well put together, confident person. That day he was going for an interview at R&R, and I remember he told me to wish him good luck. When he came out he was smiling. He said, ‘I guess your luck helped me. I got the job.’ I honestly think that he cheated because he already knew Mr. Reynolds, so it was practically a settled matter when he arrived.
I started to get to know Tom at work, and honestly he was a very nice man. He had his defects like all of us do, but he made everyone laugh so much they couldn’t help but love him. If I learned anything from Tom... it was that you should never be afraid to be yourself because people will love you the way you are. It doesn’t matter if you are funny, dorky or even quiet, there will always be a person who will find something in you that they like. Tom was a great man and the world will definitely be a different place without him here.”
She pronounced the last few words she said with difficulty, but I could tell that people were moved by her words because she was sincere and honest. That’s when I finally understood that a part of him would always be in her heart because he taught her something that I wasn’t able to teach her, even if I wanted to. I knew that if I chose to be with her I would have to live with this fact. A few people talked after Rachel did, but they mainly told funny stories they remembered from knowing him. After the ceremony the body was left there a while so people could see Tom one last time if they wanted to. Rachel decided she wanted to see him one last time, but she asked me if she could do it alone. I wasn’t pleased by what she was asking, but I understood, so I stepped outside to get some air.
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