Chapter thirty-four
Rachel
I headed toward the casket where Tom laid completely still. When I finally reached it I stood by his face and it seemed like there was nothing wrong with him. He seemed perfect, like all the times he had slept by my side. It seemed as if he had not been in an accident or that he hadn’t died in my arms, as if his life hadn’t been sucked out of him with every drop of blood that fell on me or on the concrete, as if he hadn’t bled to death. He honestly looked like he could wake up at any moment and hug me; he looked so peaceful. Without anyone looking I placed my hand on his chest and got close to him. Even though I knew he couldn’t hear me, I still spoke to him softly.
“I’m sorry this had to happen to you. I cared about you profoundly and even though you did me wrong I will always remember you. You will always have a space in my heart, but it is time for me to move on. It is what is best for me and what is best for Ethan. I hope that one day—may it be in another life, another world or in heaven—wherever it may be—that I may see you again. And even if things are not the way they were in this world, that I may hug you and see that it’s you.”
I stepped away from the casket and went to find Ethan. He was outside leaning against the wall. I tapped his shoulder lightly and he turned around.
“Did you get to see him?” he asked.
“Yes,” I replied, a tear running down my cheek.
He placed his hand on my cheek and said, “Rachel I’m truly sorry for your loss. I know this must be extremely painful even if the situation is wrong.”
Then he hugged me.
When they lowered Tom’s body, his mom started crying frantically, so I went over to her and comforted her. We started crying together and after a while I was able to calm her down.
I then went back to Ethan, who hugged me and said, “It’ll be okay. I’m here for you and I’ll try to be everything that he once was for you.”
That night was a horrible night. I barely slept. Ethan held me tight and comforted me every time I needed it. Ethan truly is a good man and at that moment I decided that I would try to give him my all. I would try to be the woman that he once fell in love with.
As much as I tried to be happy and act normal at work, it was a horrible day. I was extremely sad and didn’t know how to act or how to control my tears every time Tom would come to mind. The problem was that every single space near my office and on the first floor of the building reminded me of him. We had so many memories here; how could I not think about them? I met him here; I fell in love with his laughter, his eyes, and with every single part of his personality here. In this place we kissed when no one was around. We would sneak around sometimes, go into storage rooms and spend time together, maybe laughing or having lunch together. We would go to anyplace where no one would see but where we could still be us. Every single part of the first floor of the building held our secrets, and there was no one to share them with anymore.
When my shift at work ended I decided to go to Tom’s apartment. I walked the same path I would always walk to get there when I was with him. When I got into the building I went up to his apartment and opened the door with the key that he had given me. Everything looked exactly how he had left it. His mom still hadn’t had a chance to clean his things out, so I walked up to the library and grabbed the Pride and Prejudice book we had shared. If there was anything I wanted to keep from my time with Tom it was the book that we had read together. This book held more memories than anything I could possibly own that he had given me. We had read it in good times and bad, and even though I had decided I was going to move on I wanted to cherish every memory that this book brought me. I walked out of the library and into Tom’s room. It smelled as if he had just been there. I laid on his bed and took in the smell, probably the last time I would ever have his smell around me. Grasping the bed, I started crying deeply as many memories came flooding back of all the times Tom and I had been on this bed together. Sometimes talking, sometimes laughing, sometimes just enjoying each other’s company. I cried for a long time. I have no knowledge of how long I cried, but eventually I knew it was time to go back home. I knew it was time for me to close this chapter and start focusing on the problems in my life that needed to be solved.
The rest of the week was just as bad as the first day without Tom in the office. I missed him so much, and all I wanted was to hear his laugh one more time, even if we weren’t together anymore. The next week arrived and my thoughts of Tom started to be replaced with fear of having to have surgery. It may seem like it wasn’t a big deal but in reality it was. I could lose by breast, the cancer could have spread to more parts of my body, and there was nothing they could do for me, so I had to get the surgery done. And, worst case scenario, something could go wrong in the surgery and I could die right there on the table leaving Ethan alone, heartbroken and betrayed. The closer the date of my surgery came the faster the days went by, and each day I became more frightened. I had never had surgery before, so I didn’t know what the process would be like, and this scared me greatly. My mom had surgery once and her recovery was slow. I just hoped that mine would be faster.
Friday arrived, and the next thing I knew I was driving to the hospital with Ethan. I felt extremely tense and scared and didn’t know how to control these feelings. I prayed that other women out there didn’t have to go through this. Ethan held my hand all the way to the hospital. When we got there we had to wait about two hours because my surgery was scheduled at 10. They told us to get there around eight because they wanted to prep me for the surgery.
Dr. Palmer came in and explained the whole procedure. He said they were going to perform a partial mastectomy, which is a breast conserving surgery where only the cancerous part of the breast is removed. However, if they felt that the cancer was too aggressive they were going to do a complete mastectomy. If this happened I would lose my entire breast. All of my breast tissue would be removed and there was a possibility that even some of the tissue near my breast and if I was considering immediate reconstruction then they could do a skin-sparing mastectomy. This meant that all the skin above my breast would be left intact but this would only be done if I truly was considering a breast reconstruction. If they had to do a complete mastectomy and I decided I wanted to do a skin sparing mastectomy, if the tumor was too close to the surface of the skin, then they would not be able to do skin sparing mastectomy and they would have to do a simple mastectomy. If things truly got bad then they would have to do a modified radical mastectomy. This meant they would do a simple mastectomy and also remove my auxiliary lymph nodes or, as I would call it, my underarm. Dr. Palmer said, however, from what he had seen in my scans, he believed that a partial mastectomy could be done and the tumor removed, hopefully with no complications. At the beginning when he started explaining the surgery I felt increasingly hopeful, but then when he got into the possible complications I lost hope again, and everything he said just scared me more.
“How long is the recovery time supposed to be?” I asked.
“I would say between one and two weeks. It depends on how your body reacts to the surgery.
Do either of you have any more questions?”
“Not really.”
“If the case came where I had to perform a complete mastectomy, do you want me perform a skin sparing mastectomy?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. “If there is a possibility that I would lose my breast I also want there to be a possibility that I could have it back even if it is a reconstruction.”
“Ok, perfect. Are there any other questions or comments you’d like to make before I leave?”
“No, that would be all,” I replied.
“Very well then, the nurse will be with you in about an hour.”
I’m not sure if the hour waiting for the nurse was passing by slower than usual, but it felt like the longest hour of my life. What I do know is that at the end of the hour I was petrified, and the nurse knew it. She told me not to worry. Many women had done this befor
e and they had been fine and that she was sure that I would also be fine. The doctors performing the surgery were extremely capable and I was in great hands. I was lying on a stretcher and even there she noticed how tense I was. She pushed me through the doors that led to the operating room. I left Ethan behind and I could see in his face that he was also nervous. When we reached the operating room the doctors greeted us and told me not to worry, that everything would be all right. They laid me on the operating table and then they but the anesthetic mask over my face. I felt the anesthesiologist turn on the machine and I slowly started to slip away. I was in the surgical room one minute and the next I was gone.
Chapter thirty-five
Tom stopped at his apartment to get something he needed before he dropped me off at my apartment. I decided to wait for him in the car. As I watched him walking toward his apartment, his mother called. She told me she was sad that she didn’t get to spend a lot of time with me when she had met me, but that she was going to be in town in a month and that she would like to see me and get to know me better. I told her it seemed like a good idea and that I was looking forward to it. She told me that she would let me know what day she was going to be in New York so I could make time for her. She would call me as soon as she knew exactly what she was going to be doing in New York and she was going to tell me when she was available; that way we could set a date.
I hung up and five minutes later Tom opened the car door. He got in, turned on the car, and started driving. We were talking about how good the weekend had been, then we started talking about insignificant things, and started laughing at our stupid jokes. He complemented me on my beauty and kept staring at me. I told him to look at the road and he did for a while but then he started staring at me again. I laughed and told him he should really look at the road. I screamed his name, but it was already too late.
The truck hit us solid on Tom’s side, and I could feel my head rock from side to side from the blow. I blacked out for a few minutes, but then came to. Everything was blurry around me, and all I could see was smoke. I looked to my left and Tom wasn’t next to me anymore. The door was completely squeezed in from the driver’s seat, yet somehow my side was completely fine, so I got out of the car and started searching for Tom. I saw that the truck was completely destroyed on the driver’s side, so I started looking frantically for Tom, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. Then I saw him lying on the concrete in front of me. I ran to him and grabbed him.
“Tom, are you okay?” I screamed. I was panicking because blood was everywhere. He tried to talk, but I couldn’t understand him. “I can’t understand you. Don’t try to talk.”
He grabbed my hand and said, “I... love you... Rachel, I can’t... feel my.... body. I...I don’t think... that I’m going... to be... able to... make... it.”
A man came running from behind me and tapped my shoulder. “Miss, are you okay?” he asked. “I just saw the accident.”
“Yes, I’m fine. But my friend is in a very bad state.”
“Don’t worry. I already called the police and they told me that the ambulance would be here shortly.” The man stepped back but I could feel him watching over us.
Tom started talking again. I could barely hear his voice, but I could tell he was scared; he didn’t want to die.
He grabbed my hand and said, “I’m so glad...that you were... able… to keep... your promise... until death... do... us part.”
“Don’t say that, Tom. You’re not going to die. The ambulance is on its way. I can hear the sirens from here.”
Blood started coming out of his mouth and he started to cough. I got scared, but I told him to turn his head so he wouldn’t drown in his own blood.
“I’m so tired,” he said. “I just want to sleep, Rachel. I have no strength.”
“Just hold on a bit longer. The ambulance is almost here. It’s less than two minutes away.”
He laid his head back again and didn’t say anything. I started shaking him, but he wouldn’t respond. The ambulance was now in front of us and the paramedics were running our way. They grabbed Tom from the floor and started doing things to him. I wasn’t really sure what. I got into the ambulance with them and we rushed toward the hospital. They told me that Tom had lost a lot of blood and they could barely feel a pulse. If they had arrived two minutes later to the scene he would not be alive. They said Tom was a very lucky man. However, they would have to give him blood as soon as they got to the hospital.
After we arrived at the hospital and they had done a blood transfusion, they performed some CT scans. The doctors found a severe head injury and said they had to perform surgery immediately on Tom. The doctors rushed him to surgery, and I was left waiting for the outcome. After two hours I was impatient for the doctors to give me some information and by the third hour I just couldn’t take not knowing anything. I stood up and looked for a nurse. When I saw one passing by, I stopped her.
“Excuse me, I was wondering if you could find out the status of the patient I came in with. His name is Tom Cooper. He went into surgery about three hours ago and I still have no information.”
“Give me a second I’ll see what I can find out.”
The nurse walked away, and a few minutes later she came back with a man next to her. The man was telling her something, and when they finally reached me he introduced himself as Dr. Robinson.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner to tell you how your husband was doing,” the doctor said.
“He’s not my husband, but we are dating.”
“Oh, pardon me, I just assumed.”
“It’s ok. So how is he?”
“Well, there was more blood loss in surgery, so we have transfused a lot of blood into his body. The trauma he suffered was significant, and he was also bleeding internally. We were able to stop the bleeding and now we are performing brain surgery. We’re doing everything in our capabilities so he can come out of this surgery completely functional. I would say in about three to five hours the surgery will be done.”
“Thank you very much, doctor.”
The doctor walked away, and I went back to the waiting area. I was tired from the drive back; and all the adrenaline from the accident had left my body, so I was very tired. I put my head down and fell asleep. When I woke up again, about four hours had passed. Ten minutes later I saw the doctor who had talked to me earlier walking toward me. I stood up and met him halfway.
“How is he?’ I asked before he reached me.
“The operation was successful and he seems to be stable. Now we have to see how he responds to the surgery and make sure that everything is functioning properly. He’s in room 102 if you want to see him.”
“Thank you so much, doctor.”
I shook his hand and started walking toward the elevator. I got on the elevator when it arrived and stopped on the floor where I could find room 102. I scanned each door until I was able to find the one I was looking for. I opened the door and walked in. Tom was lying on the bed, still unconscious from the anesthesia. A machine was helping him breathe and a nurse was fixing his IV bags. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. I placed my head on his stomach and I fell asleep there. I woke up to his hand moving under my hand. I called for help and the nurse came in. When I told her that Tom’s hand was moving under my hand, she paged the doctor because there was a possibility that he was waking. About ten minutes passed and Dr. Robinson walked in the room.
“Is something wrong?” he asked.
“Tom moved his hand,” I said. “I think he’s waking up.”
Shortly thereafter I saw Tom open his eyes.
The doctor smiled at him and said, “Tom, I have to see how you are doing. I want to make sure everything is all right. If you understand, blink twice.”
Tom blinked twice.
“That’s a good sign,” he said, smiling at me. “Do you know where you are? I don’t want you to talk yet, but if you know where you are, blink your eyes twice.
Tom only blinked once.
>
“If you remember you were in an accident, blink your eyes twice.”
Tom blinked twice.
“Tom, do you remember anything after the accident? If you do, blink your eyes twice.”
Tom blinked twice.
Dr. Robinson looked at me and said, “He seems to be responding fine. Let’s just give him a few more hours and then we can get him to talk.”
Tom started moving his hand toward his face and took off the mask covering his mouth and nose. He then said in a weak voice, “I love you... Rachel. I’m glad... I’m not dead.”
The doctor laughed and said, “You’re a very determined and stubborn man. I guess we won’t have to wait to see if you can talk or not. Rachel, Tom seems to be fine. He’s going to be in a lot of pain for the next few days, but his system seems to be working perfectly for now.”
“Thank God.” I got up and gave Tom a hug and kissed him on the mouth. “You gave me quite a scare, you know. I love you. Don’t ever do that to me again.”
“I…won’t,” he said softly.
“Rachel, the doctor said Tom lost a lot of blood and we’re low on blood bags right now. You should let him rest for now. If you want to do something else for him, I would suggest you go donate blood.”
“Is that okay with you, Tom?”
He nodded and then laid is head on the pillow.
“I’ll be back soon.” I kissed his forehead and walked out of the room. Dr. Robinson followed.
“The donating room is on the second floor, room 205,” Dr. Robinson said. “There’s a big sign next to it. You can’t miss it.”
Thanks, Doctor. I’ll go there now.”
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