I got on the elevator and went to donate blood. There was no one there so the nurse attended to me quickly. She put the needle in and started draining blood from my body as the bags started to fill up. I started to feel dizzy, looked at the blood, and passed out.
Chapter thirty-six
I woke up in a bed in a hospital room and looked around for Tom. Instead I saw Ethan in front of me. As soon as he saw me open my eyes, he squeezed my hand. I looked down at myself and realized that I was the one who had just had surgery. What a cruel dream my mind had just given me! Tom was still gone and I was still in a hospital bed.
“How did the surgery go?” I asked Ethan.
“The doctor said you’re going to be fine, but the best part is that he didn’t have to remove your breast. All he removed was some breast tissue on the inside. The tumor was smaller than they expected. The doctor said he was going to keep you overnight for observation, and we can go home tomorrow.”
I looked at my chest and saw that I had a bandage over the surgery site that wrapped around my chest. There were two plastic tubes coming out of my breast. Ethan explained that the tubes were there to remove the blood and lymph fluid that collected during the healing process.
“The nurses taught me how to take the fluid out of the drains. I already knew how to measure the fluid and how to recognize any problem that we might need to inform the doctor about, so I think we’ll be able to handle this.” He told me that the drains would be in my breast for about one or two weeks. The doctors would remove the drainage tubes when the fluid residue coming out of me had lessened to one fluid ounce or less per day. The doctor came in shortly after that and asked me how I was doing.
“I’m fine. So does this mean that I am cancer free?”
“Yes, Rachel, you are cancer free.”
“Thank God! Does that mean I’m not going to die?”
“You’re not going to die anytime soon, so take care of yourself.”
“That sure is some good news. I needed some of that.”
“I think we all needed some good news today. I already showed Ethan how to drain your tubes for fluid, so he will show you how to do it too. We wanted to observe you overnight, but you seem to be doing fine, so if you want to leave tonight that’s an option for you.”
“I definitely want to leave tonight! I want to be in my own bed.”
“Okay, then that can be arranged.”
About two hours later I was heading home with Ethan. We got there around eight pm and he helped me walk to the bathtub and placed me inside it. He opened the faucet and the water started pouring over my feet. The water came out cold, but then it started to heat slowly. It felt so good to have warm water running on me. I felt like I hadn’t showered in month and it was so good to start feeling clean again. Ethan poured water on me carefully, making sure that my wound didn’t get wet. He made sure he didn’t hurt me either.
“Thank you, Ethan. You have been so good to me.”
“That’s what I’m here for, Rachel.”
“But we’re not even married yet.”
“That doesn’t matter. I love you and I’m going to help you when you need my help. Plus we’re supposed to be getting married in June, and it’s already December. So that means that in 6 months there is a possibility you’ll be my wife. That means that I have to start learning how to be a good man to you from now on.”
“That offer still stands?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I love you and I told you I forgive you. Yes, I still want to marry you in June, but if I’m completely honest I don’t know if I can trust you. What guarantee do I have you won’t do this again? You’re the person I most loved and trusted. You were my pillar and the person who betrayed me in one of the worst possible ways. I need time.”
I started to cry. I wasn’t sure why I was crying but I was. Then it hit me. I did not disserve this man. He was way too good to me. He was nursing me back to health and I did not deserve to be treated in such a kind way. He was hurt, so what else could I expect?.
“Ethan, I do want to marry you, but I’m not one hundred percent sure either. I have hurt you so much and I don’t want to hurt you again, but I have to tell you the truth. My heart is divided. It got used to being in between, and now it doesn’t know how to love in the right way.”
“Rachel, I love you and I’ll fight for you. If you want to marry me I will marry you, but it sounds to me like you’re not sure if you want to be with me. Tom is gone, so there is nothing to be in between about anymore. So you either love me or you don’t. Either you want to marry me or you don’t. Whatever your answer is I will be ok because I will always love you, but I’m not just going to be your second plate. I’m better than that.”
“ Ethan I...I don’t think I love you anymore. I care about you. I care about you deeply. But I don’t love you the way I used to and that’s not fair to you.” I started crying and he wiped my tears.
“Don’t cry, my love. Some people are just supposed to be a step on your stairs. They don’t necessarily have to be what’s waiting for you at the top.”
“You were supposed to be at my top.”
“Who knows? Maybe we were both getting there.”
“Ethan, I can’t ask you to take care of me when I’m not even sure how I feel about you.”
“You didn’t ask me. I offered. You need help, so I’m going to give it you. It doesn’t matter if it’s as your friend, as your fiancé or as your husband. If I can help you and you need help I’ll be there. I don’t know why, but this situation has made me care for you more. It has made me realize just how emotional you are and how much support you truly need.”
I started crying and he consoled me.
“I don’t understand how I’m the one who hurt you, yet you’re here trying to make me feel better. I didn’t expect you to react this way. I expected you to never talk to me again, to scream at me and call me a slut.”
“And what would I gain with that? I can already see that you’re in pain. Why would I want to make it worse? Don’t worry about that anymore. Let’s just finish cleaning you up.”
He scrubbed softly around my wound and wiped the soap away with a cloth. When he was done I leaned on him to get out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and placed it around my body, then we walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. Ethan put some pajamas on me and then drained my tubes of fluid.
“You should rest a little while. You must be tired from your surgery.”
“I am a bit tired. I think I’m going to read a chapter or two of Pride and Prejudice before I go to sleep. It’s on the kitchen table. Can you hand it to me, please?”
Ethan walked out of the room and came back with the book. He handed it to me, kissed me on the forehead, then left the room. As soon as I started reading the book, images of Tom penetrated my mind. It hurt to even think about him, and I couldn’t picture ever forgetting him. The pain was too much after awhile, so I decided to give up on reading and go to sleep. I missed Tom greatly, which was a complete waste of time since it only distanced me from Ethan more than I already was. I needed to change something. I needed to decide what Tom was going to mean in my life.
Chapter thirty-seven
Ethan
Keeping a straight face in front of Rachel was easy, but when I was by myself I felt destroyed. She had said it as clear as day. She doesn’t love me. She isn’t even sure she wants to be with me.
Rachel had fallen asleep while reading, so I started cleaning the apartment while she slept. The more I tried to distract myself while I cleaned the less I could. I couldn’t stop asking myself what Rachel saw in Tom and what he had given her. I wasn’t naïve; he was charming, had good looks, was strong with a perfect stance, and had a way with words, but I never thought Rachel was into that type of man. He seemed like a total douche. However, I couldn’t deny he also seemed smart and compassionate, so women probably wouldn’t notice his ulterior motivates. Even though I may have seemed like a nerd or a loser compare
d to Tom, I knew how men like him functioned. Many times they just strung women along, not considering how their actions could affect others or the feelings of the women they tried to conquer. On the occasions they actually fell in love they often made mistakes with the woman they loved. Obviously not all men with Tom’s demeanor had ulterior motives, and the reality is I didn’t know Tom, but when I met him in R&R that brief moment I noticed something strange in him but just ignored it. If I had paid attention to my gut feeling, I could have won Rachel back before she fell in love with him. She says she didn’t love him, but I don’t think I can believe that. Now it’s too late and I’m left picking up the pieces of her broken heart. I had no idea how I was going to help her with all of this, her father’s death then Tom’s death and now cancer. And then there was myself. Could I actually endure helping her out while knowing all that I knew. I decided to take one step at a time and call Rachel’s mom. The phone rang three times and Rebecca picked up the phone.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hello, Rebecca. It’s Ethan.”
“Ethan, how are you?”
“Honestly...I’ve been better,” I said, passing my hand over the back of my head. Even though she couldn’t see me, I’m sure she could hear how tired and conflicted I was in my voice.
“What’s wrong, Ethan?”
“I’ll tell you soon but first tell me how you have been?”
“A lot better. I won’t deny it’s been hard. It’s strange not having Robert around, but being with Alex’s family has helped me a lot. You know how much I love my grandchildren.”
“Yeah, I do. How are they?”
“They’re good. A little confused. They don’t understand why grandpa Robert hasn’t come to see them. They think he just left. I’ve tried to explain to them he’s not with us anymore, but then they start crying and call for him.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Besides that, is everything else ok?”
“Yes, it is. I was able to sell the house and I’m working on opening the flower shop I’ve always wanted.”
“That’s great news! If there is anything I could help you with let me know.”
“Ethan, you’ve done more than enough for us. You’ve been so good to Rachel.”
“Maybe not good enough.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Our relationship is a little rocky right now. I’m worried, Rebecca...I’m going to speak freely because I don’t know what to do anymore. She doesn’t love me anymore, Rebecca, and I’m going to lose her. Maybe that’s for the best.”
“Ethan, Rachel has always been difficult. You’ve always known that, we’ve both known that. I mean I did raise her. But I don’t think she doesn’t love you, I just think she’s a little lost right now. She lost someone she loved greatly. It’s probably affecting her more than it should have.”
“You have no idea.”
“Let me tell you something. Back in the day before Alex and Rachel were born I went through something similar with Robert. I was confused. I didn’t know if Robert was meant for me because he was always so busy with work and I told him that. I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with him anymore, so he fought to win me back. He cut back his hours at work, started bringing me gifts, taking me out to eat and spending time with me at home. They were some hard times but he made me fall in love with him again. I’m so glad he did because if he hadn’t we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now, I wouldn’t have my beautiful children or the grandchildren that I have. Maybe I could have had different ones but I love the ones I have and I wouldn’t change them for anything in this world. But most of all I wouldn’t have spent so many years married to a man I loved dearly. So don’t give up, Ethan. You fight, fight until she loves you not only as much as she loved you before, but ten times more. If that’s what you want don’t be afraid to go for it.”
“Thanks, Rebecca. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.”
“We all need someone to root for us.”
“There’s something else I need to tell you, and it’s the real reason I called.”
“What’s that?”
“I don’t want you to worry or freak out. I promise you everything is ok.”
“Ethan, when you tell me that, the first thing I want to do.”
“I know, I know. But if you trust me just listen to me and then you can see that everything is almost ok now.”
“Ok?”
“So last week Rachel was in an accident.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me anything?”
“We didn’t want you to worry when nothing happened to her. So the good news is that she didn’t get hurt in the accident but when they did some studies to make sure everything was alright they found something.”
“Ok, so what did the doctors tell you?”
“They told us they found a tumor en her left breast.”
“Dear Lord. Is it cancerous?”
“It was.”
“What do you mean it was?”
“They operated on her this morning and they were able to remove the whole tumor.”
“They operated on her?” she said, clearly offended. “Why didn’t you guys call me?”
“She didn’t want to worry you. She made me promise I wouldn’t call. But now that the tumor is gone I figured I could call you and she wouldn’t mind that much.”
“You should have told me sooner.”
“I know. I wanted to tell you.”
“So how is she now?”
“Well, she’s sleeping right now, but she’s recovering. The doctor let her go today because she seemed to be doing fine. We have to go to see the doctor in about a week and a half to get the tubes out of her chest.”
“Tubes?”
“Yes, she has some tubes to drain the liquid from her chest.”
“Doesn’t it bother her?”
“It does, but I’m helping her drain them and take showers, so the process is a little easier for her.”
“What would she do without you, Ethan?”
“Well, she would have you.”
“It’s not the same, Ethan. I’m her mother. I’m always going to help her. But nothing is forcing you to stay by her. You’re a good man, and I hope Rachel can see and truly appreciate that before it’s too late. “
“I hope she can fall in love with me again and I can get over everything that has happened between us. I don’t want to live without her, Rebecca.”
“I know, child, I know.”
“Would you like to come visit us? Rachel could probably use some cheering up. I’ll pay for your ticket.”
“Maybe in a week, but for now Rachel needs you and she needs to see that you’re there for her.”
“Ok. I’m going to buy your airplane ticket for a week from now. Is that ok?”
“Yes, that’s fine.”
“Well, I’ll talk to you later, Rebecca. I’m going to cook before Rachel wakes up.”
“Ok, Ethan. Take care of my baby.”
“I will… if it’s the last thing I do.
Chapter thirty-eight
Rachel
I woke up to the smell of pancakes in the room and to Ethan smiling at me.
“Hey, honey, I thought you deserved a breakfast you like after the few weeks you’ve had.”
“Chocolate pancakes with chocolate chips?”
“That’s right.”
“Oh thank God, something good. I haven’t eaten them in a while…but shouldn’t I be eating well? You know, the whole ‘I got operated from cancer’ thing.”
“The way I see it, we’re celebrating because everything went well on the surgery.”
“Thanks for making them for me.”
“It’s my pleasure,” he said and kissed me on the forehead. “Oh I almost forgot,” he said pulling out a bouquet of white roses. “I thought they might help you in your healing process.”
“Aww thanks, Ethan. Why white though?”
“Well, white roses hav
e a meaning I like that they’re associated with new beggings and letting your other person know that you are thinking about them. I think that after all that has happened it’s time for a new beginning, a new beginning for us.”
“Ethan, that’s so sweet and thoughtful on your part. So will you consider it? Will you consider a new beginning with me? Even if I’m not sure what I feel for you?”
“I’m willing to try. But I need some time to think about all of this. I haven’t always been there for you so now I am going to do everything in my power to be there.” He kissed me softly on my lips, and then added, “I love you, Rachel. I wish, I wish I could just make all our troubles go away.”
“Me too.”
He took the dishes out of the room and went to the kitchen. I grabbed Pride and Prejudice from the side table and started to get lost in Mr. Darcy’s love all over again. Not long after that I found myself thinking of Tom, so I put the book down and started to think. I liked having images of Tom in my mind, but I had decided to focus on what I felt for Ethan and how I could get to a better place. I could never do that if I was thinking of Tom, so I put the book inside the lamp table drawer and with it my thoughts for Tom. If Ethan was going to try so hard to be with me, to forgive and take care of me, I was going to give it my all.
A week passed with the same routine. Ethan would help me get out of bed and then helped me bathe. I would get dressed with his help, then walk around the house for a bit and do a few exercises the doctor had shown Ethan. He bought a few books that I actually liked, despite that they were romances, and every night he would read to me until I fell asleep. His boss had given him too weeks off so he could help me recuperate, so his job wasn’t competing for his time to be with me all day. Slowly I started thinking less of Tom, although he would still come into my mind and when it mixed with the grief of my father’s death I found myself crying in Ethan’s arms, which he was glad to offer. After the first week passed, I was lying in bed when a hand caressed my head.
“I thought you were going to go cook,” I said as I flipped around slowly and saw my mom standing in front of me. “Mom!” I was shocked but happy. “What are you doing here?”
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