by JM Scott
The sun was struggling to rise and most of the community was still asleep. With Lane, I got up even earlier to pump water that way I would be back by midday. I would come by and pick up the books she read, do her laundry. Check on the baby and take measurements. I found what to do in a home birthing book from the library. I figured she was probably seven months along. I took into account her age, and became worried. Teen mothers didn’t always make it to nine months. I already put in requests for all sorts of things if the baby came early- oxygen tanks, blankets, baby clothes, diapers, and non dairy formula because I remember what Shane said about the milk. Little by little, the guys would come back with whatever I put on the list. I studied all the books in the library and at fire and police stations for birthing babies. I felt I could do this. Lane would have to go without an epidural. I knew she would be fine.
As the sun crept over the ragged mountains, I pumped in the cold water from the broken ice and drank my coffee that was already cooling.
“Holly,” Trent said. In this morning silence, I could hear everything- the soft calls of the owls, the crunch of shoes on frozen ground.
“Trent.” We looked at each other.
“You left a note.”
He looked like shit. His eyes were bloodshot and he stank like alcohol. He must rolled out of bed and came to find me.
“What’s going on with you? We haven’t talked since Lane was brought in.”
“No offense, you’re not much for sharing.”
“You are, and I thought we were friends.”
“We are,” he said.
“Who killed Clay?” I asked because I was tired of beating around the bush. Trent has been acting strange since Lane came to us. And then when Lane told me what happened. Trent was dealing with something.
“Who?”
“The guy traveling with Lane. She said that she and Clay were driving along and then you guys forced him and her out of the car and someone shot him in the head.”
He turned away from me and lit a smoke. When we first met, he didn’t smoke because he didn’t have an,y and I lost mine at the shelter. Now, I didn’t smoke as much, conservation. Trent smoked a lot more. He offered me one. I took it and lit up.
“Jeremy.”
“Why?”
“I don’t fucking know, Holly.”
I touched his shoulder. “So what happened out there?”
“It was like every day. We were gathering supplies from a group of houses on 332. And we saw them come up. It’s weird, you know that right? When someone is driving along. Well Jeremy was in charge and he got us to stand in front of the car. It stopped, the guy got out. Jeremy grabbed him. Lane got out. And someone grabbed her. Then Jeremy shot him in the head. I noticed she was pregnant, so I put her in my car.”
“Did you guys kill other people?”
“No, Holly.” He whipped around and looked into my eyes. His cigarette smoke left his lips and hit mine. “I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t want anyone else killed. You know unless they deserved it. He was my age, Holl. He had a pregnant girlfriend. Why couldn’t he just leave them alone? Why did he have to kill him?”
“Did you tell Huck? Surely, we have to follow law and order. Jeremy murdered someone.”
“I did. But Huck said he has the girl and that is all the is important. He doesn’t care about what Jeremy did. He asks if you and I were safe with food, warmth and shelter. And I said yes. And then he’s like well that is what’s important. Not some random guy’s life.”
I felt like I knew Huck. But then I guess I really didn’t. He cared about us in the community. And I started to see what Shane was talking about women. Clay was expendable. Lane was a prize. With ten women in the community. We were prizes. But this was a time to make new communities and be good humans with our second chances. It was our chance to be a better America. And maybe the better America wasn’t in Ipswich. But it felt like it, at least it did until twenty minutes ago. I had a better life here than I ever did in Allentown.
We looked at each other. I wanted to kiss him and tell something nice. But I’m not good with that kind of stuff. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he thinking about kissing me? There were times, I thought he would. But it never happened. It was always like this- awkward stares. So I pulled him closer to me and hugged him. His arms enclosed around my body. We were warm in the air between us. We stayed there a few minutes just holding each other.
He pulled away from me just enough to look at me. I tried to remember how to kiss because this was the moment. I knew it. We were close, our mouths breathing fire.
“Holly,” he said his breath hot with smoke. Then pulled further away. Another lost moment.
He lit another cigarette and looked at the ground.
“He kissed me on the lips. I didn’t ask for it. He just did it. I wanted to tell you but you were avoiding me.”
“Who?”
“Huck. When Lane came to us.”
Then Trent cupped my face and kissed me. His lips fought with mine and his tongue found mine. I lost my breath in his breath. I could feel his pulse against my cold skin. My heart whirled. My brain shut off.
Trent pulled away, breathless. “I didn’t mean to avoid you. I just... I don’t know. I didn’t...”
So then I kissed him.
“Why did you tell me about Huck?” he said as I stopped to breathe.
“Because I felt like I should.”
“We’re not together.”
“I know.”
He came at me again. More brazen before. His hands fighting with my coat, sweater, tee shirt until his icy hands found the small of my back.
His lips moved down my neck.
“What do you want Holly?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I did know but I wasn’t sure if Trent was horny and was using me to get laid. Or did he want something more. I knew I loved him. I didn’t know what love felt like. But I’m pretty sure it felt like the mornings we got were intertwined with each other. Or how he was my best friend. I saw him naked all the time, and I wondered about sex. I wondered about would feel like with him. I never considered anyone else but him. Maybe it wasn’t love.
He stopped and pulled away. “Are you good here? I have to go.”
Before I could say anything he backed away and walked quickly back toward town. I stood there confused.
I didn’t see him for the rest of the day. And I thought about the kiss over and over. Did I something wrong? I was out late that night. I was at the library rereading everything there was to know about child birthing. The more I read about delivering babies, the more I didn’t want a baby, ever.
The library was two blocks away from the apartment. The wind screamed , and I pulled my coat tighter. It smelled like snow. The stars were bright against the dark world. Smoke drifted from the nightly bonfire. I walked quietly. I stopped when I heard them talking. Huck and Trent were there.
“Well she’s like Papi, and begs me to fuck her again,” Trent said.
“That’s probably a lie. I don’t hear you and her,” Huck said.
“She’s quiet at home but in the woods, she’s a screamer,” Trent said. Some of the guys laughed.
“I don’t see what you see in her, T Dog. She’s not all that attractive,” Jeremy said.
“You have it wrong. Holly is loyal. She is more loyal to me than most of Ipswich. I’ll take that over sex appeal. Anyway, I like red heads, and I’m waiting for my turn with Holly once old T Dog is done with her,” Huck said.
I never really thought of myself as anything. Attractive or not. But to hear that I was ugly stung.
“She is sexy, it’s that jut he hides in her clothes. She has this outfit that’s so tight and man she looks good,” Trent said.
“You better get her pregnant soon, or I will split her open and get her pregnant. You guys been together how long?” Huck said.
“We fuck all the time. Maybe she can’t have kids.”
“Well you get her for a little long
er. Once the princess pops, I have to wait six weeks and then I’m fucking her. I’m going to fuck her every night until she is pregnant. And once princess is pregnant again, I’m taking Holly.”
The fire crackled.
“I want the princess after you,” Jeremy said.
“We’ll have to have a lottery,” Huck said.
“You said Holly was mine. I claimed her,” Trent said.
“Well the world needs babies, T Dog and if you don’t come through then I will take over. You can have her back once I’m done with her.”
“What if she doesn’t want you?” Trent asked.
“Oh she will, she already does. I treat her right, Trent. Make her feel special and shit. I make the moves on her and you’ll see, she be screaming my name,” Huck said and laughed.
I felt sick. I stepped back and walked down the street to come up to the apartment on the backside. My mind whirled with everything I heard. What about consent? Sure, the alcohol flowed freely. He encouraged sex. He, himself, were responsible for some of the defunct pregnancies. But he said he wouldn’t tolerate raping. Huck made it clear time and time again, the women have the advantage and are encouraged to sleep with who they want, when they want. But Lane didn’t get that choice? Huck had planned on raping her after he gave birth. He planned on raping me. I never wanted Huck and sometimes when he touched me, I hated it. I climbed the fire escape to my apartment.
I hated Huck. I hated his lies. I hated this place. I hated how Shane was right. I hated Trent for saying shit that wasn’t true. But there was one thing I knew I had to do. I had to get Lane out of here and on her way to Mapleton as soon as possible.
My mind was busy making plans when Trent slipped in. He unzipped his coat and kicked off his boots. He flipped up the covers and crawled in beside me. He smelled like cigarettes and booze. I faced away from him; I felt his breath on my neck.
“I’m not yours, Trent,” I whispered in the dark.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not yours. I’m not anyone’s.”
We were silent.
“I’m sorry I kissed you.”
“How about you leave me alone? I don’t need you screwing with me,” I said.
“Holly.” He moved closer, “I’m not.”
“Leave me alone,” I said.
He moved away and turned over. He claimed me. I wasn’t his property. I was loyal to him. He saved me. I was loyal to Huck. He saved me too. But Trent kissed me because he was getting pressured into sleeping with me. He doesn’t see me the way I see him. I saw him as the one that I could build a future with. He just saw me as the girl he lives with. And that truth hurt worse then the people thinking I am ugly.
On the other hand, Trent was the barrier between Huck and I. For now, as long as Trent played along. I didn’t have to worry about Huck raping me. I knew I should be grateful to Trent but my feelings hurt a lot more than being grateful.
Chapter Fourteen
I slipped out of bed at three in the morning Trent had just come in and crawled into bed. We haven’t spoken since the other night when I told him to leave me alone. We shared a bed for warmth, like always. He had tried talking to me in the mornings, but I ignored him. Really, I had a lot on my mind about Lane and getting her out of here. Everything was ready for her to leave. I drove a car to the end of the reservoir road. There was a service road that went around the reservoir. At the end it came to the a fenced in area with a garage and offices. It was easy to break the lock and pull the car into the garage.
I looked out the window that faced the bonfire place, it was already smoldering. The grey smoke reaching for the sky. I listened for anyone on the floor who might be awake. I carried my boots as I crept down the hall past Huck’s apartment to Lane’s. Quietly, I opened the door and slipped in. The only light came from the propane heater. I shut the door, Lane sat up.
“Shh, Lane it’s me,” I said.
“Holly, why are you here? Is something wrong?”
“Do you have your bag?”
“Holly?”
“Dress warm but don’t put on your shoes.”
She got out of bed wearing sweat pants and a large sweater.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“You can drive right?”
“Holly.”
“You’re not here because it’s for your own good. You’re here because they want rape you and make more babies. They want to breed with you.”
In the faint light, I could tell her face lost the color.
“Hurry, get your stuff and stuff it in this bag,” I tossed her Trent’s bag that he had when we left Allentown. I really didn’t want him involved in this. The less he knew was better. At the time, I didn’t know what would happen.
I helped Lane gather her scant belongings. I gave her extra clothes that I have been stealing from the store house.
“The bag isn’t too heavy is it?”
“No, it’s okay.” She said.
I gave her Trent’s knife in holster. I would have given her my gun, but I wasn’t sure she knew how to use it. Anyone could knife anyone. I needed to make sure she had protection.
“Okay let’s go.”
“How are getting out?”
“Fire escape.”
“I don’t think I’m going to fit through my window.”
For a nursing home, I never could understand how they could get anyone out. There were fire escapes at certain apartments mine was one of them. That was one of reasons I picked it. I could run away anytime I wanted. I t was a big risk to take Lane back to our apartment and out the fire escape. We had a one bedroom but when I opened the door, the cold air will rush in. I didn’t want to wake Trent.
“Okay walk quiet but fast. If you feel pain, let me know. Just follow my lead.”
I opened the door and looked in the hall, empty. I closed and relocked the door.
She crept behind me and made it to my apartment. I opened the door and then locked it, which is something I never felt like I needed to do. The fire escape was off the kitchen opposite the apartment door.
I opened the door, which no longer squeaked because I oiled it yesterday. Once she and I were standing on the landing, I motioned her to slowly walk down the stairs. I closed the door. The coldness of the metal pierced through my socks and numbed me. Lane made it to the fourth floor landing. She stopped and rested. When she started down again, I followed. We took our time. She was on the ground putting on her sneakers. I slipped on my boots without tying them. I put my finger to my lips and took her hand. I knew Ipswich in and out. I knew every street, every alley, everything. I mapped a route to our next destination, the library. While everyone used the library because there wasn’t much to do other than chores, sex, games and of reading. Many members of the community, grabbed books to learn new skills. I had free range of the library. In the basement there were stacks of old books, newspapers, furniture, forgotten arts and crafts and a dusty puppet theater. There was also a door that led to the street behind the library.
I opened the back door and let us in. I turned on the flashlight.
“You might want to rest for a bit. I would have brought a heater, but I was afraid of this place going up in flames.”
“Holly, I’m pregnant not disabled.”
“I know. We’ve already had several women miscarry. You are so close to bringing a baby to term. She’s moving and her heart beat is good. I don’t want to take any chances. Or something going wrong in the woods.”
I uncovered a large kids wagon that I found on my own scavenger hut. I also found a sled, but I was glad for no snow because the roads have been clear, at least here. I loaded it with blankets and a pillow. It had nice big chunky wheels.
“We have one mile to the reservoir and another eight to where the car is.”
“You’re going to pull me all the way?”
“Of course. I couldn’t find a horse. And even if I did. He’d probably kick me. Horses hate me.”
�
��We can just take breaks.”
“I’ll be fine.” I pulled out a large map of New England and a smaller map of Ipswich and my hand drawn map with directions. “Okay I mapped your route. Here are maps just in case you need to take a back road. Here are the directions and how to call Mapleton. I tried calling, but I guess I am too far.”
She took the directions and the maps and put them in her bag.
“It’s time to go,” I said. “Get in the wagon. You’re probably too tall so you’ll have to dangle your legs. I know that’s not going to be comfy.”
We started out. It was still silent and dark. Lane was heavier than I thought. But after awhile the work became less noticeable.
Just as the sun started to rise, we made it to the car. I was out of breath and sweating. Lane was wearing my coat by the time we arrived. Since I gathered the water and distilled it, I had two gallons in the back waiting for her. I gave her the keys.
“I figure it should take three hours to get to Stowe. The car has a full tank of gas. It should get you there with gas to spare. If not, try to find a police station or a fire station and call Mapleton.”
“What if it’s not there?” Lane asked.
“Why it wouldn’t be? Where would it go?”
“It feels like snow.”
“I hope it doesn’t.”
“Holly come with me. You can start a new life in Mapleton.”
I’ve thought about leaving with Lane, but couldn’t do it. I felt like I had to stay in Ipswich. This was my home. I never had a real home before. I felt like I belonged here. I just couldn’t up and leave. Home was a powerful thing.
“I can’t.”
“Why? To stay with Huck? What would he do to you?”
“Nothing, this is the best life I’ve had,” I said.
“How do you know there isn’t something better?”
“For me? No, I don’t think so. For you? That’s Mapleton.”