Twisted Paths

by L. L. Collins

  “If I had tried more when you were still mine, that never would’ve happened. I would’ve been there for both of you, no matter that Carter was Ronan’s. God, Li. I’m so sorry. I didn’t fight hard enough. I should’ve started shouting for you instead of walking away like I had no backbone. I let what Ronan told me dissuade me from what I was doing there. He won. Again. I was so stupid.” He bows his head and I watch as his body quivers from the emotion he’s been holding in for too many years. I glance at Mia, and she nods.

  I wrap myself around him and he puts his head into my neck, wetting my shoulder with his sadness. I stroke his strong back, the pain he’s feeling radiating off of him in waves. I don’t know what to say, because both of us know that nothing we say can bring back the life we wanted. If only we could rewind to the last time we sat on this porch together, making out in the hammock. If we could tell our younger selves to be careful and make different decisions, maybe it would’ve been different. If we could both figure out that Ronan was orchestrating this entire thing like he was the puppet master and we were his puppets. If only we’d had a crystal ball all those years ago.

  I don’t know how long we sit, wrapped around each other, before I hear Mia’s voice. “Liane, how are you feeling?”

  I lean back and so does Blake, both of our faces tear stained and eyes puffy and red. He’s gripping my hands tightly, and I’m glad for the contact. “I’m feeling confused. Nothing in my life has been what I thought. Did my parents see you, Blake?”

  “Your dad did,” he answers. “He told me it was too late. But he never got to tell me why, because Ronan came in.”

  “He never told me,” I whisper. “Why did they all keep this from me? Why couldn’t I make my own decisions?” I look at Mia. “My whole life has been manipulated by others around me. I don’t even know who I am. All this time, I thought I knew who my husband was. But instead of the person I thought he was, he’s a manipulative jerk. Imagine what else I don’t know about!”

  Mia listens, waiting for me to stop talking. “I can see why you would think that. It sure seems like he was trying to keep you under his thumb by not telling you the truth. However, let’s think about your dad for a second. I know you feel betrayed by him, but you were pregnant and it wasn’t an ideal situation already. You’re a parent. Imagine needing to protect your son. You would try to keep him from unnecessary pain, right?”

  “Of course,” I say immediately.

  She nods. “So try to think of this in a different way as far as your family is concerned. This was an impossible situation. You were pregnant and about to get married. Do you think they knew that you were still in love with Blake?”

  “Yes, absolutely.” I dare to look over at him, and his eyes are squeezed shut at my words. I don’t want to cause him any further pain, but it’s the truth.

  “But they also knew that there wasn’t much they could do about the situation you were in. Pregnant teenager, getting ready to get married to the father of her baby. What should they have done?”

  “Let me talk to him!”

  “And what would you have done?”

  “I don’t know, but I never got the chance to decide!”

  “I sat in the car in the parking lot, wishing you could hear my engine and come running out, your dress trailing behind you. I would’ve taken you and the baby, Li. There was no doubt in my mind.” Blake says.

  “But you didn’t fight for me before then,” I admit. “Even if I would’ve seen you there that day, I still probably would’ve broken your heart. At the time, I thought I was doing what was right. Of course, had I known all the things Ronan had done to manipulate me, I would’ve handled things a little differently. As it is, I knew nothing until today. I’ve lived a lie for most of my life.”

  “Let’s talk about you and the drinking,” Mia steers the conversation to Blake. “Tell us about that.”

  “After Ronan came to see me and I stopped communicating with Li, I started drinking. It started with visiting my friend Gabe and continued after I came home. I would work and then come home and drink until I passed out. I would fill whatever time in between with random women, usually from bars.” It was my turn to close my eyes, wishing I didn’t have to think about him in that way. “I’m sorry,” he says to me.

  “No, it’s okay. I need to hear it. Go ahead.”

  “So for years I survived this way. My family was concerned for me, but I didn’t want to hear anything about it. I endured just fine, even thrived at my job. I got all of my certifications and was considered top in my field. So the summer I turned twenty two, I came here to Sanibel for the first time since we’d been here together. My parents were here, but I spent most of my time either on the beach drinking or out at clubs in Fort Myers, drinking. I never saw them. That’s where I met Melinda. She was out with some of her friends at a club, and we started talking. We became friends. She came out to the beach with me. And one night when my parents were out, she found me at my condo, unconscious.”

  I stare, my stomach clenching into knots. “What happened?”

  “I almost died,” he says. “If she hadn’t gotten there when she did, my parents would’ve come home to my dead body.”

  I gasp, my hands covering my mouth to try to muffle my reaction. Blake almost died because of me.

  “Liane,” Mia says. “Talk. What’s going through your head.”

  “This is all my fault. If it wasn’t for me, he would’ve never been in that position.”

  “Let’s get something straight,” Mia begins. “Blake made the choice to do what he did. This isn’t your fault. He chose to use alcohol to escape his pain. That makes it his choice and not your fault. Blake, please continue.”

  “I wasn’t breathing,” he says, looking at Mia instead of me. “I had alcohol poisoning. I hadn’t eaten in days, just drank. I’d aspirated some vomit and passed out. By the time the paramedics arrived, my heart had stopped.”

  I stand, pushing the chair back so hard it hits the glass of the sliding glass door. I can’t listen to this. It’s ripping out my heart one tug at a time. “Li,” he says. “I’m okay. I’m right here.”

  Before I can stop myself, I climb onto his lap and hold onto him, reveling in his warmth. He’s here on my porch. He has survived so much. And no matter what Mia says, I can’t stop the thought that it’s because of me. “I would’ve never forgiven myself if anything happened to you,” I say.

  “How does talking about it with her and seeing her reaction make you feel, Blake?”

  Blake looks into my eyes, his hands pressing against my lower back. “I feel ashamed. For so many things.”

  “What things?”

  “That I wasn’t strong enough to go after her, that I tried to drown my shortcomings in alcohol. That I almost died and missed out on the chance to be here with her right now. That I wasted so many years of Melinda’s life because I was never in love with her. Not the way I am with Li.”

  “What happened after the paramedics came?” I ask quietly. I need to hear this, even though I know he’s right in front of me and is fine.

  “They restarted my heart and got me stable. I was in the hospital for a week, and then I went to rehab. Melinda came to see me every single day. She saved my life, Li. Even though she was never you, she’s a kind and loving person. When I got out of rehab, I quit my job in South Carolina and stayed here.”

  “Have you drank since?”

  “No,” he says. “I’ve wanted to, believe me. The temptation is always there. You would think that me coming here would be the hardest, but it actually isn’t. When I’m here, I feel you all around me, and it comforts me.”

  I turn to look at Mia, and I’m surprised to see her wiping a tear out of her eye. She stands. “I think both of you have a lot of talking to do. This was a good start, but some things need to be discussed without a third party. What I would like to offer is to see both of you in my office, as frequently as you’d like. If you’re planning to move forward together, I sug
gest you come to terms with all that has happened in your lives so you can move on from it and not always look back at the past to define your future. Liane, you call me when or if you want to come in.”

  I nod, knowing that it’s a good idea to take her up on her offer. “Thank you, Mia.” I stand and hug her.

  Blake stands and hugs her also, surprising me. “Thank you,” he says. “We have a lot to catch up on, figure out. But I appreciate you being willing to help us through this.”

  She squeezes my hand as she walks past. “Move on,” she whispers, and I wonder if she means from the painful past we’ve just found out about, or from Ronan.

  I BLINK MY eyes open, feeling uncomfortable. I realize that I’m on the couch instead of my bed, and last night comes flooding back to me. Blake and I had spent the day together walking the beach, laying at the pool, and staying in my condo talking. I vaguely remember falling asleep while we were watching a movie and Blake kissing me goodnight. I wish he would’ve stayed, but we both decided that we need to take our time with this and do it right. That is proving harder to do than we thought.

  It has been several days since Mia had talked to both of us, and while I’d talked to her since, otherwise we’ve stayed in our little bubble. We’ve kind of steered clear of the painful topics and have just genuinely enjoying spending time together. We’ve cooked together, walked the beach, watched movies, and spent hours just lying next to each other on the couch discussing everything.

  I learned more about the shop that Blake has in Fort Myers. He told me all about it, from the day he opened until now, including the fact that he is the top rated automotive center in the county. He also told me all about Brooke and Brianna. It hurts my heart to know I’ve not only missed out on his life, but theirs as well. I told him all about teaching, and even about Carter as he grew up. We’ve laughed until we cried about some of the things Carter had done that we also had done as kids.

  We carefully avoided the topic of Ronan and anything having to do with our last summer here on Sanibel together. I feel like I know him as a friend again. Even if my feelings are anything but friendly. We’ve kissed. A lot. And I know I should probably feel guilty for that, but I don’t. Though it’s as far as we are letting it go right now, with him it still feels a lot more intimate than just kissing. He makes me feel so many things.

  Touching my fingers to my lips, I smile. I wish I was waking up next to him right now, but we both know it isn’t something we’re ready for. We have to do this the right way, if we’re going to do it at all. I know he loves me; he tells me. But love sometimes isn’t enough, as we’ve seen already before. Who knows if he will even want to go any further than we already have. At least if nothing happens beyond this week, I’ll know that our friendship is intact again. I’m leaving tomorrow to go back home so I can prepare for starting work on Monday. It has been the elephant in the room for many days now. What will happen when I go back home? I think we’re both afraid to ask that question, or to wonder where we go now, if anywhere. I know that I never want to live without him again, but I’m still a married woman. Until I detach myself from that part of my life, I know it isn’t fair of me to want him to put his life on hold for me.

  I stand up, stretching my back. Walking towards the kitchen to start coffee, I hear a knock on my door. I look at the clock, realizing it’s after nine already. My stomach flutters. It has to be Blake. Looking down, I realize I’m still wearing my tank and shorts I’d changed into after the pool yesterday. I’ll have to remedy that after letting him in.

  I swing the door open, a huge smile on my face. Right before I’m about to say hi to Blake, I stop short. Blake isn’t standing at my door. A short, portly man sweating in a suit stands there, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

  “Mrs. Liane Collier?” I groan inwardly. I never thought I’d hate my own name, but I don’t want to hear anything that has to do with Ronan right now. Or ever again.

  “Yes. Can I help you?”

  “You’ve been served,” he says, slapping an envelope into my hand and turning to walk away. I stare after him, the envelope in my hand feeling like lead. Served? I’d seen enough shows to know what that meant. The papers in my hand were divorce papers.

  My knees buckle as I realize that’s why Ronan asked where I was when I had talked to him last weekend. He didn’t care where I was or who I was with, he just wanted to be able to give an address on where to send the papers. I slide down the wall to the floor, knowing the front door is still open but not caring. With shaking hands I rip open the envelope. When I see State of Florida across the top, then both of our names below, I drop the papers on the floor. It’s official. My marriage is over once both of our signatures are on this document. I should feel sad. I’ve been married to Ronan since I was eighteen years old. But for some reason, I can’t make the sad feelings come. He lied to me. He had manipulated everything. He kept me from Blake because he knew I loved him. It sure seemed like he was cheating on me, and maybe not for the first time. Who knows if I even knew all of what he had done. He ruined our lives. We didn’t. The fact is, I don’t know Ronan Collier anymore. Who knows if I had ever really known him. I’d known the part of him he wanted to share with me.

  “Li?” Blake steps into the condo, dropping down next to me. “What happened? Are you okay?” I look up at him, his hair styled perfectly and his dark eyes wide with concern. He’d shaved, and he smells amazing. He’s wearing a polo shirt and shorts. I smile, reaching up and caressing his smooth face.

  “I’m great,” I say, and I mean it. His eyes continue to search mine as if he doesn’t quite believe me. “It’s over.”

  “What’s over?”

  I let go of him and reach down to get the papers that are on the floor. “Ronan served me divorce papers. I’m going to be free of him very soon.” Blake takes the papers from my hand and scans them, spending more time on them than I did. I could care less what he’s giving me or what they say. All I want to do was sign them and never have to speak to him again unless it has to do with our son. At least Carter is grown now. I guess I have Ronan to thank for that.

  “You’re really okay?” Blake doesn’t look convinced. Then again, why should he? My track record with going back to Ronan isn’t the best.

  “I’m more than okay.” I stand, and he follows. I shut the front door and turn back to him. “He ruined our lives. And I know we’re moving forward and trying to not focus on what we lost, but there’s no part of me that wants that man ever again. I don’t know who he is, Blake. But there’s something I do know.”

  Blake watches me, one eyebrow lifted in curiosity. I step closer to him, willing myself to be braver than I feel. “I know what I want now,” I whisper, gripping his shirt in my fists. He looks down at my hands, then back to my face. “And it’s what I should’ve had all along.” I step up and press my breasts into his chest. Once Blake realizes what I’m doing, he turns and presses me against the door, his mouth taking mine just moments before I would’ve made the first move. What he’s doing isn’t kissing me; he’s devouring me. As much as we kissed last night, this is different.

  He nips and bites at my lips and tongue, twisting his tongue with mine like we’re making love with our mouths. His hands rove my body, setting fire everywhere he touches. We’ve gone down this road before. Many times, in fact. But we’d been inexperienced kids then, and I definitely wouldn’t use that word to describe us now. We’re combustible. His large hand lifts my shirt, running his fingers along my bare stomach as his lips continue on mine. He lifts me effortlessly, cupping my backside with his other hand as the first grazes my breasts through my bra. I wrap my legs around his waist, unable to stop the groan that starts deep inside when I feel him against me. We’re going zero to sixty in mere seconds, and I’m not sure if this is right or not, but damn if I’m going to stop it.

  He walks us through the condo, breaking free of my mouth only to run his tongue down my neck and to the dip in my tank top. I use the opportunity t
o run my hands through his hair. He stops at the edge of my bed and our eyes meet. “Li,” he says, the first syllable uttered in quite a few minutes. “Don’t leave me.”

  My stomach clenches. “I don’t want to leave you.” That’s the truth. I don’t want to go anywhere that doesn’t include him.

  “Stay,” he says. The fervor of our moment is lost, but tenderness has taken its place. Blake runs his knuckles along my face, a small smile playing on his face. I don’t know if he means stay here with him as in don’t go back to Ronan, or a different stay.

  “What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything to show you that I’m here, Blake.”

  “Don’t go back there,” he says, lying next to me on the large king size bed. My heart is still thumping from that soul-searing encounter in the other room, but this is almost as good. Even if I want nothing more than to rip our clothes off right now and make up for lost time.

  He is talking about Ronan. He thinks if I go home that this will all fall apart again. How can I blame him? I think about what I have back there. I know I don’t want to live in that house full of memories of the lie I’ve lived my entire life. Though it’ll be hard when Carter comes home from college, but I can figure it out. What else do I have there? Well to start, my job. And Kinsley. Though Kinsley and I have stayed friends living states apart before, so that isn’t that big of an issue.

  “What about my job?”

  “I talked to Melinda this morning,” he says, and I can’t stop myself from kissing him again. We get lost for a moment as we stroke each other softly. I can’t believe how just lying here next to him, our bodies facing each other, can make me so blissfully happy. I struggle to remember a time that Ronan and I had taken the time to do this, or that he would even want to.

  “What about Melinda?” I ask after we come up for air. He runs his thumb along my bottom lip and I bite him gently, making his eyes open wide.

  “I can’t think when you do things like that,” he says, his gaze traveling the length of my body. I’m still wearing the tank top and shorts, but I feel naked when he does that. It reminds me of being in the hotel room with him all those years ago, doing this and feeling like such grown ups. Except now we are grown ups, and this feels better than twenty of those nights would have. “God, Li. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But I want to be honest with you.”