California Sunshine

by Tamara Miller

  I sighed, tears springing up. "It's the distance, it's the trust. Yeah, I do think you're cheatin' on me. I'm sorry I cain't do this."

  We were both quiet for a while until I heard Josh sniff. "Alright, fair enough. Merry Christmas Jo." He replied and with that the line went dead and when it did something inside of me broke.

  You hurt him. You hurt yourself. All because you have a great way of overthinkin' things. Good job you waste of space. Bravo. I let the tears flow. I knew. I knew I had screwed up and there was no fixing it now. I lost the one good thing I had left in my life. With tears streaming I called Emily.

  "Well hey, Jo! I wasn't expectin' to hear from you so soon." She greeted me with a smile in her voice like she always did.

  "I know, I'm sorry I need somebody to talk to." I whimpered.

  "What's wrong?" She asked, sounding very, very worried.

  "I broke up with him. I screwed it all up." I gasped. I still couldn't believe I'd done it.

  "Slow down sweetie. What happened. Why'd you break up with him?"

  "I thought he was cheatin'. Part of me knew it was just me overthinkin' like always, but part of me really believed it."

  "Why?"

  "'Cause I went out and he'd told me to call him when I got home. I did and didn't hear from him for an entire day. When he finally called me it was with a new number, he said he'd gone out with Mike and Ashley and lost his phone. It just, it didn't seem right to me."

  "Oh, Joanna. Okay, I know you called me for advice, so here's my advice. Forget about Lance. Forget him. Other than this one time has he ever, ever given you a reason not to trust him?"

  I thought for a few minutes and finally answered. "No."

  "Alright. Call him back. Right now. Apologize and see if there's a way to fix it."

  "But, Em. What if there ain't a way to fix it? I just lost everything I've ever wanted."

  "Hang up and call him. Call me back when you get done. I love you, fix it."

  I nodded, but the pain was killing me. "Okay," I whispered just before the line went dead.

  I tried calling him back. At least ten times I called, and every single time there was no answer. Before I could call him again Richard called me.

  "Joanna, you comin' to the Christmas party at the office tonight?"

  I nodded. "Of course! I'm actually gettin' ready right now." I lied, looking down at my sweats. I had completely forgotten about it, but now that I'd ruined things I was gonna go out with a bang.

  "Alright, well I got a car comin' for ya. It'll be there in thirty minutes."

  "Well thank ya, Richard! I'll be ready, see ya in an hour." I replied, quickly hanging up and running to my room.

  I silently thanked whatever powers be above that I had taken a shower after I got home. I threw on the dress and shoes I'd bought a week ago. It was a red sequined sheath, with short sleeves. The shoes were white six-inch stiletto pumps with sequins. I threw my hair into a loose, low ponytail. I grabbed my black leather jacket and green sequin clutch. I dabbed a little perfume behind my ears and on my wrists. Then it hit, Josh had bought me the perfume when I was in town last. I shook my head, shaking the memories away.

  I quickly did my makeup and put my lip gloss in my clutch. I grabbed my phone, grabbed the present for my secret Santa, turned the porch light on and locked the house up. Just as I stepped onto the sidewalk the car pulled up and the driver got out, opening the door for me.

  "How are you tonight Ms. McMillan?" He asked.

  I smiled slightly. "I'm great. How are you?"

  "Just fine," He replied as he shut the door and got in up front.

  It took no time to get to the office. The driver, whose name I still didn't know, opened the door and I got out. I walked through the doors and spotted Richard.

  "Hey, there kiddo. I was startin' to think you'd forgotten."

  I laughed. "Of course not Richard. Tell me somethin', though, it's open bar right?"

  He smiled, letting me hook my arm through his. "Of course. None of us is gettin' sober anytime soon."

  I kissed him on the cheek. "Good to hear," I replied as we took the stairs to the party.

  I was sipping on another straight whiskey. I'd lost count after the fifth one. I was sitting at Richard's table with him and his wife, and I was pretty sure it's so that one of them could keep an eye on me. Just then the catering team showed up at our table with appetizers. I smiled as they sat them down, I had been starving until it got there. Now I just wanted another drink. I slowly pushed my chair back and realized that Nadine, Richards wife, was staring at me.

  "Yes?" I asked.

  "Sweetie, why don't you slow down. Eat ya a little somethin'."

  "I'm fine. Thank you." I replied as I stood, realizing that I was steadier than I thought I would be.

  I ordered a whiskey sour and a Lynchburg Lemonade. I was going to get wasted and I didn't give a damn. When I got back to the table Richard sat down next to me.

  "While you were gone, your phone was ringin'."

  I nodded. "Thanks. I'm gonna finish these drinks and head home. Y'all have a great Christmas."

  "Let's walk and talk. No drinks." He sounded worried.

  I sighed. "Fine." I took one last sip as I stood and followed him.

  "So what's goin' on?"

  I felt like I was going to end up being scolded like a child.

  "Nothin'." I replied.

  Richard looked down at me. "This ain't like you, Joanna."

  "This is just like me Richard. I screw somethin' up and I drink myself into a stupor."

  "What'dya screw up?"

  "My relationship," I said, looking up at him.

  "With who? I didn't know you were in a relationship."

  I laughed. "A guy from California."

  He smiled. "This guy have a name, 'cause I know you don't just go for anybody."

  "Joshua."

  "Well why'd ya do whatcha did?"

  "'Cause I thought he was cheatin'. I mean, deep down I didn't think he was, but kinda. I don't know it's hard to explain. Anyways I broke up with him tonight."

  Richard took a seat on the stairs and patted the step next to him. I sat and draped my arms over my thighs.

  "Let me tell you somethin', but first let me ask you somethin'. You love him?"

  "More than I've probably loved anybody ever," I replied, moments of us together running through my head like they had been doing all night.

  "Okay. When Nadine and I were in college somethin' similar happened. I didn't come from money like she did so I had to work my way through college. Well for about a week straight, I was workin' long, late hours and she got it in her head that I was doin' somethin' other than workin'. 'Course distance was an issue with us too. She was in Savannah, I was here, so it was easy to let those thoughts creep in. I broke up with her, I couldn't deal with her naggin' and bein' suspicious. I realized real soon that I needed her and I needed to prove to her that I wasn't doin' nothin' other than workin' and goin' to school. So I packed my bags, took my time card and went to visit her. I had cold hard proof, 'course she forgave me but it didn't fix everything. It took months to fix that one thing, but we fixed it together. We've been together thirty years, and we trust each other more now than we ever have. Now I know you better than most people, I know you don't forgive easy, but this one time maybe you should. Now I ain't sayin' let him off the hook, make him prove himself to you, but don't give up on him. I can see how bad all this's hurtin' you."

  I nodded, taking his advice and story in. I knew a way to find out the truth, but I wasn't sure I was prepared for the bad if there was any.

  "Alright. I'll take your advice, but what do I do if he really is cheatin'?"

  Richard smiled. "You just let me know and I'll take care of it."

  I laughed. "Yes sir. Now can I go finish my drinks and go home? It's been a damn long afternoon."

  He patted me on the back. "Yeah, have another just for extra protection," He replied, winking at me and I couldn't help b
ut laugh again.

  I finished my drinks and as soon as I got home and safely inside I called Ashley. She picked up on the second ring.

  "What the hell Jo?!"

  "So you know?" I slurred.

  "Yes, I know! You seriously think he'd cheat on you? Are you stupid? Y'all were both cheated on like he's gonna do somethin' like that. God, what is the matter with you? Are you drunk by the way?"

  I giggled. "A little. I don't know what I was thinkin'. What happened that night?" I asked, plopping down on the couch.

  "We went out, had one too many drinks. Took a cab back to our place and when Josh got there he went to call you, to check on you and his phone was gone. He was so pissed, but on the bright side, he was glad that he had backed up all the photos of y'all to the cloud. So don't be a bitch. You wanna see pictures from that night. I'll send 'em to ya."

  I sighed. "I don't wanna see no damn pictures. I believed him, I was just bein' dumb."

  "You got that right. Here Mike wants to talk to ya."

  The line went quiet for a few minutes and then I heard Mike. "Jo, we need to talk. Have you heard from Josh?"

  My heart stilled and dropped. "No. Why?"

  "He said he was going to call you. Check your phone."

  I pulled it away from my ear and checked my call log. 1 missed call -- Josh. I groaned. "Yup. One missed call. Has he talked to y'all since that call?"

  Mike scoffed. "Yeah, he's here now. Drunk off his ass just like you. I swear to God Jo, I love you but you better fix this. He wasn't even this broken up about Alexis and they were together longer. He loves you. Fix it."

  The line went dead so I tried calling Josh. No answer. I rolled my eyes and turned my phone off. I wasn't about to play games with him. I wasn't gonna play games with nobody. I was going to enjoy being drunk, and I was going to go to bed.

  Chapter 20

  I woke up with a pounding head. Probably the first time in my life with a hangover and I knew why. It was the whiskey and how much I beat myself up. After I'd gone to bed, I ended up crying. Curled in a ball in my bed, I sobbed pretty much all night. It was cleansing, but now I felt like death. I guess that's what happens when you really love somebody. It's like the perfect storm. Dancing on the edge of being complete and completely broken.

  I grabbed my phone and the first thing I noticed was no missed calls, the second thing I noticed was that it was one in the afternoon. Well, that would explain why you feel like death. You slept most of the day away. Now pull your butt up, take a shower, get decent and go do somethin' productive. I thought as I slowly sat up. I sat there for a few minutes rubbing my head. I couldn't believe I had a hangover.

  I had just gotten dressed when I heard my doorbell ring. I cocked an eyebrow, knowing I wasn't expecting anyone unless it was a package. I grabbed my sweater, pulled it on and made my way slowly to the door. The doorbell rang twice more before I got there. I flung the door open and there to my amazement stood Josh. My jaw dropped as I threw my arms around his neck, the tears starting anew.

  "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

  He pulled me closer, tighter. "I told you I'd surprise you. Can we talk?"

  The only thing I could manage to do is nod. I led him inside, a house he'd never seen before this moment in time. He sat his suitcase and bag next to the couch as though he wasn't going to stay.

  "Want somethin' to drink?" I asked nervously.

  He slightly smiled. "No. I'm good, thanks. I just want you to sit and hear me out. Please."

  I sat, crossing my legs underneath me. I didn't get to close, I knew I screwed up. I just hoped like hell he wasn't going to scold me like Lance always had. "He ain't Lance, Jo. Give him a chance. You love him, he loves you." I began to calm down for once, my nerves weren't taking over like they had before.

  "I know you tried calling me last night. I ignored it on purpose because I was pissed and didn't want to say things I knew I would regret. I love you Jo, and it really hurt when you thought I was cheating on you. I'd never, ever do that to you. Ever, you should know that."

  I couldn't look at him, shame was eating me away. "I know," I whispered.

  "Look at me, please."

  I finally lifted my head, tears in my eyes. "I'm so, so sorry."

  "Here. I downloaded the pictures from that night from my cloud."

  I pushed his phone away. "I believe you. Just part of me didn't at the time. It was all just really weird to me. And then yesterday when you said you got off early to take care of somethings all I could think was there was someone else with you."

  "Well, I was actually getting ready to come here. I canceled that flight to give myself time to cool down. I ended up getting shit faced, and going to Mike and Ashley's. They told me to give you another chance this morning after I was sober and calm. I knew they were right, though. I told you I'd never give up on you, just because you have something that's different than anyone else I've ever known. Yeah, you have some stuff that's keeping you from trusting me. I get that, but at some point, you've gotta put that part of your past behind you and realize that I'm not going to do the same thing Lance did. I'm not him, nor will I ever be. I understand he told you he loved you, but hell Alexis told me the same thing. The difference between us and them, we actually fight for what we want. Now if you tell me this is really what you want, I'll leave and I won't bother you anymore, but I don't think this is really what you want is it?"

  I shook my head. "No. After I called you yesterday I lost it. I called Emily, Amelia's mom and told her what I'd done. She told me to call you back and make things right. I tried callin' you I don't know how many times. Maybe you was already drinkin', I don't know. Then I went to a Christmas party last night and had to explain to my boss why I was gettin' shit faced. He told me that distance is hard, he'd gone through somethin' similar when he was in college. Unlike them, though, I don't want proof of somethin' that I know deep down inside never happened. I just wanna say sorry over and over, but I know that ain't gonna change nothin' either. All I can say is give me another chance to prove to you I ain't always this damn crazy. Then I keep thinkin' about the movin' and I worry 'cause I know we both have our careers. I don't wanna give up my life here, and you don't wanna give up your life in California and I don't know how to make that work. I wanna be with you, more than anything else, but am I gonna give up my life, my career that I've worked so hard for? I don't know."

  "Joanna, baby, slow down. We'll get there when we get there, we've been together barely a month now. I ain't askin' you to move. I told you at your pace."

  "But Josh, babe, this is at my pace. I'm sick of the distance, I ain't good at patience. That should be obvious."

  He laughed. "Fair enough. Well, I'm here until the second of January. I took vacation. I want you to show me around, it's only fair."

  I smiled. "Sounds good. I'm still sorry that I was an idiot yesterday."

  He shook his head. "Stop apologizing. It happened, we're gonna work on it. We'll be fine, alright?"

  I nodded. "Okay. How 'bout a tour of my house and my office today?"

  "Sounds good to me."

  After he had his stuff in my room. I grabbed my keys and led him out to my car. "Not gonna lie, kinda weird havin' you here."

  "Why's that?" He asked as he got in on the passenger side.

  I shut my door and shrugged. "I don't know, I guess 'cause our relationship started in California and I've flown out there. I don't know, but I think we're gonna have fun."

  He laughed. "We always have fun together. So you got a big corner office and stuff?"

  I laughed. "After last night, I hope I still have my big corner office. No, seriously it's not huge, but it's nice. I'm lucky to be where I am."

  "Aren't we all?"

  "You've got a point. You can change the music if you want."

  "I want the full Joanna experience."

  I chuckled. "Well I'm not sure you're really ready for all that, but I'll give you part of the experience today. Maybe we'll make it to
the full experience by the first. Give ya time to get over the shock."

  "Yeah okay. I don't think anything about you will ever shock me. Put me in a state of awe maybe, but that's about it."

  "We'll see about that," I replied as I parked the car.

  "That was fast."

  "Yeah, ten-minute drive when there ain't much traffic. It ain't always like that, though. Come on." I replied, getting out of the car and waited for him on the sidewalk.

  When we walked in through the doors to the building I spotted Richard, Mark and Allen all walking together, looking deep in conversation.

  "Those are my bosses. Richard's the man in the middle. Navy suit, gray hair. Mark is the one closest to us, black suit, black hair. And the other guy is Allen. Gray suit, brown hair."

  Just then Richard spotted me and turned towards me. "Well if it ain't Ms. Joanna. Whatchya doin' here today?"

  I smiled. "Showin' Josh around."

  Josh and Richard shook hands. "Nice to meet ya. Cut her a break, she was real tore up last night."

  The fire of embarrassment lit my entire body on fire. I could've dug myself a hole and died right there.

  "We've talked about it. I'm not giving up on her sir. I love her too much to do that." Josh said, pulling me closer to his side and looking down at me, a smile on his face.

  My heart soared, as I met his gaze.

  "Good. Every great, long lastin' relationship starts there. Two people who ain't afraid to fight for what they want. Listen it was nice meetin' ya, I gotta get back. She knows how cranky them two can get. Y'all have fun. Merry Christmas!" He exclaimed as he was already halfway across the lobby.

  "He seems nice. Seems like you've got great bosses."

  "I do. That's why I love my job. Most people woulda never given me this opportunity, but for some reason, them three believed in me. So here I am." I said as I opened the door to my office.

  He let out a low whistle. "Damn baby, you're higher on the totem pole than I am."

  I laughed. "Well change it."

  "Nah I kind of like it. I love what I do." He said as he sat down in my chair and turned around.