My Beautiful (The Beautiful Series)

by Rae, Alicia

  Kyle walked over and sat on my bed. I made a few notes of what I’d be taking with me or storing until I was ready. I put a few small items that I planned to keep off to the side. I definitely wanted a few pieces of furniture, some books, most of my photos, and other random keepsakes.

  “So,” Kyle said, pulling me out of my thoughts, “am I the first guy to come into your room?”

  I turned to look at him. He was lying down on my bed with his legs crossed at his ankles, and his arms were propped behind his head on a pillow.

  “Yes.” I laughed.

  He patted the spot next to him. “Come sit. You’ve had an eventful morning. Take a quick breather before your session with Jeanine.”

  “Oh, that’s right.” I let out an unsteady breath.

  I did need to unwind a bit before Jeanine and I talked. I felt like my nerves were already strung out. I’d stayed busy with one thing after another since I’d gotten here.

  “I need a vacation,” I huffed more to myself. I walked over to the bed and curled up next to him.

  His body was warm and inviting. He put his arm around my shoulder and nuzzled closer. “And where do you want to go?” Kyle softly asked.

  I pondered for a moment, thinking of all the possibilities. Specific places didn’t exactly pique my interests. I had certain requirements. “Anywhere that is warm, sunny, and has a quiet beach,” I said, voicing my dreams.

  “You live on a beach.” He chuckled and kissed my cheek. “But I could go for a quiet beach.”

  His hand ran up and down my back in a soothing rhythm. It was slowly relaxing me. I could feel some of the tension leaving my body. A few moments of downtime sounded better and better with each passing second.

  “Exactly,” I answered. “If you could pick anywhere in the world to visit, where would it be?

  “Hmm,” Kyle pondered out loud as he twisted a strand of my hair between his fingers. “I do love a good beach. It’s why I chose to stay in the cottage after all, but I also love the mountains, too.”

  Turning on my side, I settled my right leg over his as he dropped the strand of hair he’d been playing with. His thumb started to make small circles on the corner of my shoulder as we made eye contact. Those gorgeous brownish-green eyes, which I adored to no end, looked at me affectionately.

  “Which mountains would you like to visit?” I wanted to know more about his interests and about him in general.

  “Well, I’ve already been to Mount Diablo in California,” he said while continuing to rub my skin. “I will take you there someday. It has one of the most magnificent sunsets you could possibly imagine.” He paused for a second. “But if we’re going to travel somewhere new, I’d like to take you to Canada.”

  “Canada?” I tried to recall the mountain destinations there.

  “Yep.” He grinned. “I have wanted to visit the Canadian Rockies since I was a kid. In Boy Scouts, we studied mountains all over the world. Kids in my troop always talked about visiting Niagara Falls.”

  I watched him intently. “But not you?” With every passing moment of our conversation, I was starting to see a new side of him. I suddenly found myself wanting to ask more and more questions.

  “Nope.” His handsome grin broadened. “I wanted to go to the mountains and see glaciers, canyons, and ice fields.”

  I looked over his shoulders and chest before meeting his eyes again. I nodded. “I could see you being a mountain boy with your Boy Scout and Army training,” I joked lightheartedly.

  Kyle let out a laugh. “Mountain boy?” He quirked a brow at me and lifted his hand to rub along the base of his jaw. “How about mountain army man?”

  “Definitely.” I closed the gap between us and kissed his mouth. I pulled back with a smile. “He’s hot.” I checked out my hot alpha and added mountain army man to the never-ending list of things I loved about him, and I was still learning more about him. “How long were you a Boy Scout?”

  “For a couple of years,” he answered. “I was actually a Cub Scout first, then a Boy Scout until I quit at the age of fourteen.”

  “Why did you stop?” I asked.

  “I wanted to spend time with my dad and I was getting older,” Kyle replied. “As you already know, I was intrigued with my father’s construction business. He had an ability to take one look at a run-down home that no one else wanted and make it into something extraordinary. By then, my brother, Ryan, was already working with my dad since he was three years older than me. Once I was finally big enough, I chose to spend all my free time working with the two of them and learning as much as I could.”

  “I bet your father loved that you and Ryan wanted to learn his trade and spend time with him.”

  “He did.” Kyle nodded while smiling affectionately. “After Abbey was old enough, she joined in, too.”

  As he talked about his siblings, it struck me that I didn’t know Kyle’s age. I guessed that he was in his late twenties.

  “Uh-oh, you seem lost in your mind again,” Kyle said while skimming the back of his hand across my cheekbone.

  “It just occurred to me that I have no idea how old you are,” I said, feeling a bit silly, “or when your birthday is.”

  Kyle’s chest vibrated with laughter. “Sometimes, you get this look on your beautiful face, and I never know what is going to come out of that mouth of yours. You always seem to catch me off guard,” he said, running his thumb across the line of my jaw.

  “Is that a good or bad thing?”

  Kyle’s eyes gazed into mine as he brushed my long hair over my shoulder and tucked it behind my ear. “Definitely a good thing.” He sat up slightly to kiss my mouth once before settling back onto the bed, keeping me close. “And I’m thirty-six,” he added.

  If it wasn’t for the sexy dimple forming in the corner of his mouth, I probably would have fallen for it.

  “Nuh-uh. Liar!” I nudged his shoulder.

  “How do you know?” he asked with a straight face.

  He gathered me in his arms and flipped me onto my back. His broad figure towered above me.

  “You can’t be thirty-six,” I answered.

  Kyle enclosed his hands over mine as he lifted them above my head, sliding them along the soft cotton comforter beneath us. His mouth lingered inches away from my lips. As soon as he made direct eye contact with me, his expression faltered, breaking into a wide grin. “What gave me away?”

  “Your college years and time spent in the Army don’t add up.” I shook my head. “If I had to guess, I’d say twenty-eight.”

  “Damn, you’re good.” Kyle chuckled. He gave me a smacking kiss on the lips and then shifted back. “I’ll be twenty-nine next month.”

  That sounded about right, considering his college and Army years and the time he’d spent building his house. I was happy he had shared some of his childhood memories and emotions with me, and I hoped he would continue to do so.

  “So, are you ready for lunch?” Kyle said, rising from the bed as he walked over to his dresser, and looked at his watch. “Jeanine will be Skyping in about twenty minutes, and you should eat first. I thought we could make some ham and cheese sandwiches.” He made his way back over to the bed and stopped in front of me.

  After a stressful morning followed by some relaxing time with Kyle, I wasn’t ready to have a conversation with Jeanine about my feelings, but I knew that I needed to do this. Everything felt like it was moving so fast. The only good part was knowing that the faster it went, the sooner it would all be over.

  Deciding to catch him off guard, I sat up on my knees and wrapped my arms around his neck as if I were going to kiss him. Instead, I used my weight to pull him onto the bed with me. He braced himself on his arms while looking down at me.

  He kissed me sweetly on my lips and then pulled back. His hair was a bit ruffled from lying on the bed with me minutes before. He was wearing a T-shirt that said ARMY across the front. The shirt stretched across his sculpted shoulders and biceps flawlessly. As I ran my arms up the
firm contours of his muscles, a jolt of energy spiked through my stomach. He was a testament of male perfection.

  His eyes had a feral look in them as he lowered his head to kiss me for a second time. His lips were warm and loving as they moved against mine.

  Groaning, he pulled back. “Up you go, beautiful,” he said, backing up off the bed. “Can’t be late for your Skype session.” He outstretched his hand to me.

  I withheld my protest while grabbing his hand. “You’re right. It’s time to go.” I rose to my feet and kissed him quickly, and then my eyes lingered on his chest. That has to be the hottest shirt I’ve seen him wear yet.

  Kyle stared at me with amusement. “Like my shirt?”

  “Yes.” I laughed, shaking my head. My hands rubbed his forearms and slowly traveled up his arm. “This one is definitely sexy.”

  The corner of his lip lifted slowly, turning into a dangerously sexy smile. “I’m glad you think I’m sexy.” He smirked before enclosing me in his arms for a hug, and then he nuzzled my neck.

  I rolled my eyes at his comment, not wanting it to go to his head too much. “It’s just the shirt.”

  He growled playfully and tried to tickle me. Laughing, I sidestepped his efforts and then took off running down the hallway. My stomach grumbled, and I decided to head to the kitchen. He was following closely behind me.

  For such a large, muscled man, he sure was light on his feet. I chuckled to myself, realizing I would do well to remember that when teasing him.

  ***

  After making our plates with ham and cheese sandwiches, chips, and a sliced apple, we sat side by side on tall wooden bar stools at the kitchen island.

  I thought about the realtor as we ate together quietly. I didn’t have any reservations about selling the house. I knew that I didn’t want to live here, and it wasn’t right to keep the beautiful home sitting empty. I had to also consider that even though the house had been paid off, the taxes were still expensive because of the size of the property.

  I was relieved that going through the rooms had been fairly easy so far. I had yet to go into one bedroom. I was nervous to enter my sister’s room, but after many years down the road, I knew that I would be grateful to have kept a few memorable items. At least, that was what I was hoping for.

  I jumped as my cell phone beeped, pulling me from my reverie. It was from Jeanine.

  Ready to Skype when you are. ;)

  I swallowed the last bite of my sandwich and replied quickly.

  Ready in two minutes.

  “That was Jeanine,” I said to Kyle.

  I kissed his cheek before walking off to grab my laptop from the living room. Kyle stayed at the kitchen island. I knew he was going to give me my space, but I could tell he wanted to stay nearby in case I had a breakdown. I sat on the couch and logged on to Skype. I smiled when Jeanine’s face popped up on the screen.

  “Hi, Jeanine,” I said while observing her hair was swept up into a ponytail today, and her smile was as bright as ever.

  “Hi, Lily. How are you?” Jeanine asked cheerfully.

  For having a career that helped people cope and move forward from life struggles, Jeanine was a high-spirited person. I supposed she would have to be in order to stay positive and help others.

  “I’m doing pretty well, considering the circumstances,” I answered.

  “That’s understandable. How are things going in Colorado?”

  I let out a deep breath and shifted back on a pillow, trying to settle into the cushions. “Things are okay. We got here last Saturday and had dinner with my family.” I hesitated briefly. “Sunday was bad. Yesterday, I showed Kyle some of the land while we went four-wheeling with two of my cousins. We are now staying in my parents’ house. Today, we met with a realtor, and that went as I predicted. It has been very difficult at times, but I’m trying to focus on moving forward. I’ve been going through the house and deciding on what belongings I want to keep.”

  “It sounds like you’re making great progress, Lily. How does it feel to see your family again?”

  “It’s been wonderful to see them. It feels like no time has passed at all. I’ve found the same comfort in our conversations and affections, but then I still feel like a big dark cloud is hanging in the air.”

  “That is to be expected,” Jeanine murmured. “What did you do on Sunday?” she asked softly.

  I released a deep breath. “Sunday was the hardest day. I was already worked up because it was the three-year anniversary of the accident, and it was the first time I visited my family’s graves. I had to face one of my worst fears. It made it feel more real, and I finally had to say good-bye.” My breath wedged in my throat as pain constricted my airway. “The feeling of loss cuts so deep. I try to suppress it, but it beats me every time.”

  Kyle wordlessly walked over to the couch and sat beside me. Trying to console me, he put his arm around my shoulders. Tears sprang from my eyes as I leaned into his warmth while I balanced my laptop.

  Kyle could easily read my feelings, and he was always supportive. I hoped to offer the same support to him one day if he needed it. Right now though, I needed his strength.

  “Have you tried to think about all the happy memories with your family? You need to keep those alive and on the forefront of your mind,” Jeanine said kindly.

  “I try…so hard, but even the happy ones make me feel heartache because I go back to thinking of how I lost them and how I can’t have any new memories.” I inhaled deeply. “It crushes me like a tidal wave, and then I feel regret and hate and shame,” I mumbled off the last few words, losing myself to my emotions.

  “Why do you feel regret, hate, and shame?”

  This part was the hardest. To admit it to myself was one thing, but to voice it out loud would be entirely different. “I feel regret for not stopping or swerving. I wish that I had driven slower, so we could have been in a different place at a different time.” I faltered before continuing. I had to make myself express the feelings I had never revealed to anyone, but it was time to get it out. “I feel hatred for the man who crossed the median and forever changed my life. He took my family away, leaving me all alone…and I feel ashamed of myself for feeling that way toward someone.”

  Jeanine and Kyle both sat in silence for a moment, absorbing my words.

  “Hate can be a powerful emotion, Lily. It can be stronger than forgiveness if you let it.”

  “That’s what I fear,” I admitted for the first time. “I want to forgive…but I can’t,” I whispered.

  “Can’t…or maybe you’re not ready?” she asked carefully.

  I was quiet for a moment, going over my thoughts in the privacy of my mind. “I’m hoping for the latter,” I answered honestly.

  “Well then, let’s keep working on moving forward.” Jeanine paused. “By the tone of your voice when you referred to the other driver, it sounds as though you knew him personally. Is that a correct assumption?”

  I did not like the direction of where this conversation was going. Avoidance was easier. My body stiffened as I debated my response. With his arm still over my shoulders, Kyle’s hand moved up and down my arm, stroking softly, and he placed his other hand on my thigh in a supportive gesture. His eyes silently expressed that if I didn’t answer now, we’d be having this discussion in the near future.

  I decided to get it over with. “Yes,” I confessed.

  “I see.” She paused again. “I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and feelings about him, and then we’ll talk about it more in our next session.”

  “Okay,” I agreed, not sure if I would actually elaborate on my feelings concerning that topic. That was something I had never spoken to anyone about. Those were very disturbing thoughts that plagued only my mind.

  “So, how did you feel at the graves? Did you feel better when you finally visited them?”

  I took another deep breath. The bad news just kept coming like sharp knives, one at a time. It was hard to see the light with so much
negativity. “Yes, in part, but that changed.”

  “Changed how?” she probed.

  Tears streamed freely down my face. I didn’t want to accept the truth, a truth I had known nothing about. “I found out that my sister, Annie, was pregnant when she died,” I choked out.

  I must have stunned Jeanine because she was silent for a short time. I tilted my head to the side, so I could discreetly wipe away my tears.

  “You…you found that out just this last Sunday?” She couldn’t hide her own astonishment.

  I closed my eyes. “Yes.”

  “Oh, Lily,” she said compassionately, “I’m so sorry. How do you feel about that?”

  “A bit betrayed that I wasn’t told by my sister or my aunt. I also feel so very hurt that I took another life…a life that never had the chance to begin.”

  “Lily…” Jeanine spoke with tenderness and understanding. “That was not your fault. The accident report more than proves that it was one hundred percent the other driver’s fault. But I completely understand the shock and heartache you feel from the additional loss. May I ask how you are just now finding this out?”

  “My aunt never told me. She wanted to, but she hesitated because I was already too emotional. Then, I left, and she didn’t want to tell me over the phone. On Sunday, I read it on the tombstone.” I closed my eyes, recollecting the way each word was carved into the stone. “Annie Marie Tidsdale and unborn child.”

  “And what happened with your aunt after you found out?”

  “I haven’t talked to her yet.” I shook my head, knowing that a conversation with Aunt Lucie was coming soon. “But I plan to.”

  “I think that’s a good idea. Talking through it will help you and your aunt. You both need closure in order to move onward with your relationship.”

  I nodded, not sure on my feelings about talking with my aunt.

  “Well, Lily, I think you’re doing great. I know it seems rough, but you’re taking steps in the right direction. I’ll be in touch soon. Keep your head up, sweetie.”