Vicious Circles

by Leann Andrews

  “I don’t know. I don’t have anything to take my temperature with. All I know is I can’t keep anything down and the pain is getting worse.”

  “I think you should go to the hospital. It sounds like appendicitis. Where’s Mason?” I’d never heard Lynn so concerned.

  “Mason is at band practice, where he always is lately. I couldn’t even go in to work today. Wait, can I die from appendicitis? I feel like I might die.”

  “You are not funny, Fallyn. I’m only ten minutes away. Get dressed, we’re going to the ER.” Lynn ordered in a business like tone.

  I did what she said because the pain was hard to ignore. It gradually got worse and I was crying by the time she arrived in her tiny, prissy car. She helped me hobble out of my apartment in my sweatpants and my sister’s t-shirt and rushed me downtown to the hospital and wheeled me in, in a wheelchair like I was about to give birth. If I hadn’t of been in agony I would have made the joke aloud.

  A doctor saw me right away and Lynn was right. I had appendicitis. Before I knew it, I was in a gown that my ass hung out of and was being prepped for surgery. The last thing I remember before the drugs knocked me out was thinking of Mason’s face and how beautiful he really was in my mind.

  “She’ll come around soon. The anesthesia should be wearing off.” Some man with a deep voice was talking.

  “Everything went OK then?” That was Lynn. I knew her voice anywhere.

  “I’m not supposed to discuss things with a non family member, but she’ll be fine.” The man with the deep voice seemed nice.

  “I’m her family, you can tell me.” Mason.

  Everything was fuzzy like a television without cable and I couldn’t open my eyes, but I could hear Mason and what I presumed was my doctor talking. They whispered somewhere near my bed. I didn’t hear Lynn’s voice anymore after that. She must have left. Eventually, I drifted off into drug induced dream land once again.

  The next time I gained consciousness I was able to open my eyes. My throat was on fire and so was the area just above my lower, right hip. Another scar to match the set on my left side. Mason hadn’t brought them up since the first time he’d seen them but he always ran his fingers across the raised flesh with a bothered look on his face. It was only a matter of time before he asked me again.

  “Mason?” I managed to say although my throat was on fire.

  “Hey there,” he said as he smoothed my sweaty hair away from my forehead. “I was fucking worried.”

  His face told me exactly how he was feeling. Why was it that I saw the real him and no one else even bothered? “It was just a bum appendix, that’s all. I’m good.” I tried to smile but my whole body was aching.

  “They cut you open and removed a body part. That’s a little more than nothing,” he said with a kiss to my dry lips. “I’m not leaving you until you’re normal again.”

  “I wasn’t normal to begin with,” I protested.

  “I just need the smart ass, stubborn girl back that checked into the hospital. I think the

  Vancouver thing stressed us out and I don’t want that to change anything.” There was a slight glaze to his green eyes and I worried that he might cry.

  Vancouver did change things but I hadn’t been aware that I’d pulled away from him. “I had such a good time with you. We’re fine, OK?”

  “I believe you.” He poured me a cup of water. “Get some rest; I can bust you out of here tomorrow.”

  I panicked a little when he stood to leave the room. “Where are you going? Where’s Lynn?”

  “I’m going to grab some dinner and call the guys. Lynn said she would stop by your place tomorrow. She had to work.” He returned to my side and kissed me again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  True to his word, Mason stayed with me all night, even though the nurses raised hell after visiting hours ended. He slept in the hard, plastic chair in the corner of my room and never complained. When I was discharged, he brought my car and sat me easily in the front seat. He tried to buckle me in but I smacked his hand away playfully.

  “We’ll stop on the way home to get your prescription.” He lit a cigarette for me and then for himself.

  “I still don’t see why I need Percocet with three refills. Jesus, do they expect me to be in pain for months?” I hadn’t ever taken anything stronger than a couple of headache pills from Target’s pharmacy.

  “This is Hollywood, baby. You can be in pain for as long as you like. I doubt you’ll need them after a few days; maybe a week.”

  “What if they make me loopy? I might fall and break something.”

  Mason laughed. “Then you can go back to the hospital and get another three months of pills.”

  “Very funny.” I rested my head against the window.

  My agent had called the director of the film I was working on and explained my situation while I was in surgery. He seemed okay with the whole thing but I was determined to get back to work as soon as I could. The doctor had suggested I lay around for three weeks but I was only allowed to be absent from set for three or four days. Maybe I would need the Percocet after all.

  It was nice having Mason taking care of me and my agent fielding all the press shit that was coming in. For some reason, people had taken an interest in me since the photos in Vancouver emerged. It was only because he and I were an item, but neither of us were confirming a thing. We hadn’t even figured things out for ourselves. Of course, my emergency surgery was all over the place, but it was nice to sit around my place with Mason for three days and pretend the whole world was void of human life besides us.

  I didn’t even take the stupid pills out of the pharmacy bag until my first day back to work. Lynn thought I was out of my mind and made sure to tell me so but I had to get back to work. I had a car and an apartment to pay for. Things would never be as bad as they were before.

  I stood in the bathroom of my trailer for a good ten minutes, with the rusty, orange bottle of pills in my right hand. My stomach and hip area was killing me. I took a deep breath and dumped two into my hand. They went down easy.

  “You’ve got five minutes,” a PA called into my trailer.

  I looked myself in the mirror and plastered my best smile on. Nothing would stop me from being happy and if I had to suffer a little to make it happen, so be it.

  Chapter 12

  Mid-September 2009

  I have to be honest; I absolutely loved working on a movie set. It was far more exciting for me than doing television. Granted, my part was merely supporting but that didn’t matter to me at all. I went to work every day with a huge smile on my face and a spring in my step. Along with me, at all times, was my prescription Percocet that I’d been given after my appendectomy. They really took the edge off of the ache in my side and allowed me to concentrate on work, among other things.

  When Mason offered to go and have them refilled, I didn’t say no. I loved the way they made me feel. I felt like a human and the constant aching inside me was gone. It wasn’t just the ache from my surgery; it was the ache from all the shit that had happened to me before meeting Mason. Even he had commented on how healthy and happy I looked.

  “So, you and Lynn are going shopping tomorrow?” Mason asked as he watched me dump Chinese food from the containers onto plates.

  “Yes. I need something to wear to the wrap party. You’re coming to that, right?” I turned to look at him briefly and noticed his eyes trained on my abdomen. “What are you staring at? You look like a creeper.”

  “So I’ve been told,” he said with no emotion. “Fallyn, why haven’t you told me what happened to you.” He motioned toward the series of scars on my left side, right in between my left breast and hip.

  I stopped what I was doing and grasped the counter for support. “It was a long time ago, Mason. It’s not something I really want to get into right now.” The familiar burn in my throat and eyes appeared. I wanted to scream because I hadn’t felt it in so long. I was hoping it was just gone.

  Mason
grabbed me from behind and because of the sports bra I wore I could feel his warm arms against my middle. “You don’t have to tell me right now. I’m ready whenever you are.”

  I relaxed immediately. “Thank you.”

  The rest of the night went fairly well, considering I was still on edge about the thought of telling Mason how I’d gotten the scars on my side. He decided to sleep over, which was also the norm. The only thing that wasn’t normal about that night was the way I felt when I looked in the mirror. I thought about how amazing Mason was and how lucky I had been. The woman staring back at me was only outwardly happy and that made me sick. I wanted it to change; I wanted to be happy all the way.

  My extra bottle of Percocet stared at me from the corner of the sink. It taunted me and I could almost feel the medication entering my system. I grabbed the bottle and dumped three pills into my hand. It was way more than I was supposed to take. It didn’t matter to me; as long as I made my boyfriend happy. As long as I kicked ass at work and was a good friend to Lynn it was okay.

  Little did I know…it wouldn’t be okay. Around three in the morning I came to, sweating like a pig. My eyes were heavy and my brain wouldn’t register that I needed to stand up. My stomach was doing its best to empty whatever was in there. I pushed away from the bed and rolled onto the floor practically crawling to the bathroom. I pleaded with the silent room around me that I would make it to the toilet and not wake Mason up.

  “Shit, are you alright?” I was never that lucky. He flipped the bathroom light on as I crossed the threshold and helped me scoot the rest of the way.

  I waved him away with my hand because there was no way I wanted him to be present while I threw up. Instead he grabbed my sweaty hair and held it back. I could have cried and actually, I think I may have. I was never going to take more medicine than I was supposed to again.

  “Are you OK?” He asked, smoothing my hair from my face as I sat back against the bathtub.

  My eyes refused to focus; I was wasted. “Fine…I’m fine.” My voice sounded miles away and it felt like I was floating.

  Mason pulled my face upward by my chin and took a good look at me. “What in the hell are you on?”

  I smacked at his arm lazily. “Nothing; shit. Leave me alone.” I had no clue what I was saying.

  Before I could react, though I don’t think I could have at the point, Mason had lifted me easily from the bathroom floor and placed me gently in bed. He climbed in behind me and wrapped his arms around my middle.

  “Maybe you should stop taking the Percocet,” he whispered softly in my ear.

  “I’ll stop. I’m done with them,” I mumbled, half asleep.

  “Good.” He nipped my ear playfully and settled himself snugly against my back.

  The next day I was fine. It was like the night before was a dream that I barely remembered. I felt so amazing that I took a pill before I went out shopping with Lynn. I wanted my smile to last the whole day. We rode in her car, with the top down, along Wilshire toward Rodeo. I hadn’t quite gotten used to shopping in that area of Beverly Hills but I didn’t hate the place. Lynn pulled into a small parking area and I hopped out to pay for parking.

  “You are extra happy today. Mason must have stayed over last night.” She said as she approached me.

  I pulled my wallet from my bag. “He did and I’m slightly offended that you’re insinuating that I’m gloomy usually…Holy shit, my wallet’s growing money.”

  “What are you talking about?” Lynn peered into my open wallet. “Hey big spender,” she joked.

  I didn’t carry cash out of sheer habit but I was staring at four one hundred dollar bills, clear as day in my wallet. “I’ve been hit by the money fairy apparently.” I fingered the money, shocked.

  Lynn burst into laughter warranting a few stares from the Beverly Hills usuals as they got in and out of their Mercedes and BMWs. “I bet the money fairy is about five foot nine with a devious smile and good intentions.”

  “Why in hell would he leave this much money in my wallet? He’s insane!” Then I remembered telling him the reason I was going shopping the night before and it dawned on me. The spare money was his attempt at buying me a dress.

  “Let’s just get the parking voucher and shop. No deep thinking allowed here.” Lynn grabbed my wallet, took out the four dollars for parking and then shoved it back into my bag. “If the man wants to pay for a dress, let him.”

  I didn’t argue with her; it was almost like arguing with Mason. Those two should have been lawyers in a firm together. We walked along the row of stores first, just talking and gossiping about our projects we were working on. I daydreamed at the small windows of Cartier while Lynn actually went inside.

  “Do you feel high and mighty?” I asked her when she came back out.

  She laughed and we began our search for my dress. The heels I’d borrowed from Lynn were killing my feet but I soldiered on. The LA sun washed over me as we walked and I thought about how much things had changed since May. I wasn’t homeless anymore. Instead I was walking along Rodeo drive with my bff Lynn Taylor, shopping for a dress for my wrap party. I had brand name clothes on with heels and as far as anyone knew, I belonged there. Still, I was the same me, from months ago, inside. I was still Fallyn with a broken heart and broken family.

  “Fallyn? I asked you a question.”

  I shook my head, clearing away the thoughts. “Sorry, just thinking. I should take something; my side is starting to ache a little.”

  “It’s been about three weeks. Shouldn’t you be feeling better by now?” She held the door to a shop open and followed me in.

  “I did go back to work when I shouldn’t have…” It was the truth. I wasn’t technically lying to her. I did lie to Mason though. I vaguely remember promising him that I wouldn’t take the Percocet anymore.

  “You’re so dedicated,” Lynn said sarcastically.

  I grabbed a dress off the rack and held it up to myself. “You have no clue.”

  ***

  Mason was still gone when Lynn finally dropped me off. I did a sweep of the parking area for his car, just in case. I took the cursed heels off and climbed the stairs to the second floor landing. I put my key in the lock and started to turn it but stopped when I noticed one of my monogrammed post it notes stuck to the front door.

  Hey baby,

  I stopped by to grab the leftover Chinese in the fridge but you weren’t back yet. I hope you had fun with Lynn and I hope you found a dress. You’re welcome. I left you something else inside.

  M

  He rarely did things like that so when he did I all but melted. Mason was not romantic and he didn’t try to be. I thought he was sexiest when he was totally himself and did whatever his heart told him. My heart raced a bit and I didn’t know if it was the semi love note on my door or the thought of what I would find inside. The thought lit a fire under my ass and I turned the key sharply.

  I dropped everything I had in my hands right beside the front door and scanned the area. I didn’t see anything out of place. I wandered through the apartment and found nothing out of the ordinary. I was curious so I walked back to the living room to grab the cordless phone. I would call him if I had to. I didn’t have to though. I saw exactly what he had done; it hung in the empty spot on my wall that had been reserved. The bleeding girl stared at me with her big, bleeding eyes. He’d found my painting; the painting that had become such a symbol of myself the moment I saw her. There was another of my post it’s clinging to the frame of my painting and I moved as close as I could despite the couch, to read it.

  I love you.

  Three little words were scrawled out in Mason’s almost illegible handwriting. I didn’t gasp or cry or react in any certain way. Instead I backed away and sat on the coffee table, still staring at the purple piece of paper. He loved me. In so many ways I knew he did and in so many ways I knew I loved him. It was shocking to see it in writing. My brain began to form connections that I would find out later were twisted but I did
n’t know any better. I had essentially bettered myself and, since I’d been taking the medication, I felt controlled. It didn’t seem as if the world would fall away from me at any minute. All that on top of Mason telling me he loved me lead me to believe Percocet was my very best friend and we should never part.

  The next thing I did surprised me the most. I pulled my cell phone from the side pocket on my bag and sent Mason a text message.

  I love you too.

  A warm, nervous feeling began in my toes and worked its way up. There was a smile on my face but I was apprehensive of what our admissions meant. There was no denying that we were dating. What would we tell the media? Would we even acknowledge our relationship?

  My phone chirped in my hand. Mason replied.

  Plug in the night light. Someone’s getting lucky tonight.

  I didn’t bother to reply. All I could do was laugh.