Vicious Circles

by Leann Andrews

  When the operator answered, 911 what’s your emergency, I explained what was going on and gave her the address. She put me on hold and that’s when I lost it. I cried. The tears fell from my eyes and onto my girlfriend’s blood stained cheek. They ran down her pale skin and on to the bloodied floor.

  She was someone else. She was someone I didn’t know at all. I cradled her to my chest as I sobbed and choked. The smell was unbearable. Her clothes were soaked red and her hair was fanned out behind her where at some point she’d gotten sick. I ran my hand over her chest lightly, thanking the man upstairs that her heart was beating.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I wiped blood away from her eyes with my thumb.

  The sounds of sirens appeared faintly in the distance and I was relieved that someone was coming to help her. It felt like hours as the ambulance and fire truck sped up the road and into the drive. When the EMT’s entered the house, I yelled for them until they found me in the kitchen on my knees, rocking Fallyn back and forth.

  A tall, thin man politely pushed me away and I obliged. I stood against the wall, trembling for so many different reasons.

  “What happened?” The man asked.

  “I…I don’t know for sure. I know she’s taken some pills and some cocaine but that’s all. I just found her like this.”

  “Is there anyone else in the house?” A woman in a police uniform appeared at my right with a notepad in her hand.

  I nodded. “There’s…there’s a girl in the upstairs bathroom. She’s dead.”

  The woman nodded and said something over the radio on her shoulder. They left me alone and all I could do was watch as Fallyn’s clothes were cut off and attempts were made to bring her around. She moaned softly but I didn’t celebrate. I dreaded the phone calls I would have to make when all I wanted to do was be with her.

  A coroner arrived just as Fallyn was loaded into the back of the ambulance. I climbed into the back and held her hand the entire ride to the hospital. When we reached the emergency room, I had to let her go. The nurse on duty gave me a private room to wait in and some really bad coffee. Her smile was one of pity and I wondered how long it would take the vultures to publish our business in the same magazines Fallyn used to read.

  I had called Lynn and the guys from the back of the ambulance. Lynn was on her way and I was sort of relieved that I didn’t have to shoulder the whole thing by myself. I could feel myself unraveling and it wouldn’t be pretty when I came completely undone.

  More than five different police officers and detectives had filtered in and out of the room. They asked me questions and I answered the best that I could. Just when I thought I might have gotten a moment to myself, the nurse opened the door, startling me, and Lynn walked through with tears in her eyes. She took one look at me and broke into sobs.

  “She’ll be fine. They said she’ll be fine.”

  “Mason, what the hell happened? I should have gone back.” She wiped her face and sat, shocked, in one of the upholstered chairs. “Look at you.”

  I looked down at my clothes. They were soaked in Fallyn’s blood and vomit. I didn’t smell so hot, but those things meant nothing to me. “This isn’t your fault Lynn.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that.” She turned to me and placed her hand on my arm.

  “Mason look at me.”

  I turned my face toward her, all the while biting my bottom lip to prevent myself from breaking down.

  “We can get through this, you know that right?”

  Lynn meant well, and I was so happy she’d shown up, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe her.

  “This…this is just too much right now.” My resolve began to crumble. “I can’t look at her and not feel guilty for all the shit I’ve put her through. I can’t, with a clear conscious, go to her and tell her everything will be OK. I should have been protecting her all along.”

  “No, you’re wrong. This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

  “Just stop.” I held up my hand to stop Lynn from moving any closer to me. I stood and started to pace the carpeted floor. “I think I should go.”

  “Go ahead. I’ll call you when she can have visitors. You probably want a shower.” She wasn’t stupid. I could see in her eyes; she knew very well that I was running and she was going to let me do it.

  I turned from her and left the hospital as quickly as I could. If it weren’t for the state of my appearance I would have walked, but instead I hailed a cab. Home sounded like a place I wanted to be, but home wasn’t Fallyn’s apartment anymore. The driver dropped me off and I felt out of place as I climbed the familiar steps.

  The whole place smelled like her. It hit me hard when I swung the door open and stepped in. Her favorite painting hung on the wall where I’d put it myself. The purple post it that declared my love for her was still stuck to the frame. Pictures of us were littering the bookshelf and I didn’t pay much attention to them until then. We looked happy.

  It only took half an hour to gather all my things from the apartment but it took me at least half an hour to actually leave. I didn’t want to remove myself from her life. It only seemed fair after all I’d put her through. She would be hurt and confused but eventually she would heal and move on. Lynn would take good care of her.

  On my way out of the front door I grabbed a piece of paper and pen from the small table by the front door. I penned her one more note and left.

  ***

  “You just left, man? Really?” My best friend and bandmate, Dave, sat across from me at an all-night diner somewhere in the southern states.

  I nodded and gulped the rest of my coffee down. “It was the best I could do.”

  Dave frowned and shook his head. “I don’t believe that shit for a second, Mason. You love that girl and I fucking know it, so don’t try to bullshit me.”

  “I never said I didn’t love her. I’m saying I let this happen. She became a coke addict right under my fucking nose.” I signaled the waitress for another cup of black coffee.

  “So you run away and pick up the tour where you left off? You are ten kinds of asshole.”

  I pressed my lips together in frustration. He was always right. He knew me the best after all. “It’s done; let’s just drop it.”

  Dave threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine, but I’m telling you this…when we get back to town, I’m going to see her.” He tossed a ten on the table for his late dinner. “You can’t say shit about that.”

  He was right. I couldn’t make any of them stay away from her but the fact remained that I would stick to my guns. I would keep away because I loved her enough to let her have a chance at a decent life without me.

  Chapter 22

  My healing began sometime toward the end of March in the year 2010. I woke to a life I didn’t recognize, which wasn’t all that shocking since I had done everything possible to sabotage my own happiness. Of course, I learned that much later…much, much later. I still have the note Mason wrote me that day. He told me I couldn’t find myself with him in the way.

  Mid April 2010

  Dear Mason,

  I don’t blame you for leaving. At least I don’t blame you right this minute. My mind changes every hour or so, but I haven’t learned when to trust myself. A part of me always knew that I would lose you and I still took the chance. Maybe I don’t love you as much as I thought. No, that’s a lie. I still love you as much today as I did then.

  Lynn was there when I woke up for the first time. I’d really done a fucking number on myself. I shot myself up with heroin. Did you know that? I’m not sure if you’d heard from someone. It’s been all over the gossip magazines. They finally dug up the truth about me and my family. Lynn says that I’ll rise above it and be a much better person for it. She comes to see me now that I can have visitors.

  I think about being high all the time. I think about drowning my sorrows in drugs more than I think about you, Mason.

  I understand why you left. This whole thing was my fault and I am re
ally, truly sorry.

  Love Always,

  Fallyn

  ***

  Mason,

  You could have given me a reason. I waited for you for two days and you never came back. Lynn hardly left my side and even Chris stopped by to see how I was. They put twenty stitches in my head and I had two black eyes. I would have died if you didn’t show up when you did; at least that’s what the Doctor says. I overdosed on heroin. Heroin.

  I always wondered how my sister wasted away right in front of me like she did and I finally know. I didn’t want to see what was really going on. I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing the truth. I was wasting away right in front of you. I just wanted someone to see me. Did you ever see me?

  Fallyn

  ***

  Dear Mason,

  Today was hard. I talked about you and I cried. I’ve gotten so used to talking about London and my mother, but talking about us and how much I fucking love you is just too hard. My therapist says that it’s all right.

  I don’t think it’s all right. You haven’t called or written.

  My director came to see me today, which shocked the hell out of me. He says the studio wants me to resume my role. He brought me flowers and they’re beautiful.

  For some reason I can’t let you go and I don’t know why. Lynn doesn’t ever bring you up to me, which is probably a bad idea. I want to talk about you. I miss the way your skin smells right after you walk out of the shower. I miss your hands and the calluses from playing your guitar. Most of all, I miss the way you looked me right in the eyes and told me you loved me without even saying the words. Wasn’t any of that good enough for you?

  I’ve ruined things and I know that. Didn’t you know how much I loved you?

  Missing you,

  Fallyn

  ***

  Mason,

  Dave came to see me today and he told me everything. I’ve wasted so much energy missing you while you’ve been on tour as if nothing happened. He held me when I started to cry. The hardest part of rehab so far has been realizing that you aren’t coming back and I have to find myself. I have to find out who Fallyn is without Mason.

  My life was close to being over. I almost died and you left me. You gave up on me like everyone else in my life. Slowly, I’m learning who truly cares for me in this world. Lynn has been my shoulder to lean on since I woke up. She’s been here with me the whole way. That’s more than I can say for you.

  Fallyn

  ***

  “How are you today?” Lynn asked as we walked side by side to the patio.

  I sighed and rubbed at my wrist, a nervous habit I’d picked up since letting the drugs go. “I’m OK today, I think. The night terrors haven’t come back.”

  She smiled grimly and sat in an empty wicker chair before patting the empty one next to her.

  “Chris sends his love. He says he’ll be around next week. He’s got a surprise for you.”

  “I’m slightly scared.”

  “Don’t be,” Lynn laughed. “He’s harmless.”

  I picked at a loose thread on my t-shirt. “I get to go back to work after ninety days…as long as I stay clean.”

  “Are you going to be ready for that?” She asked genuinely concerned.

  “Maybe, who knows? I’ve got a house to pay for now. I’ll have to work either way.” The house was still a sore subject for me. Lynn had hired a cleaning crew but it wasn’t the mess that bothered me. “Have you talked to Mason?”

  Lynn shifted in her chair. “No…he doesn’t return my calls either, Fallyn. I’m sorry.”

  I looked out over the Pacific Ocean and took a deep breath, breathing in the briny, salty air.

  “He’s really gone. I think I’m finally coming to terms with that.” It hurt my heart to say the words. “You know, I accepted Jill’s death almost immediately. I miss her sometimes.”

  “You’re allowed to miss her. She was a person too…who happened to be lost to the streets.”

  “That could have been me,” I announce loudly. I stood up and smoothed a few stray hairs from my face. “I’m not sorry I met Mason because that could have been me, Lynn. I’ll always feel like I owe him my life. Even if he never wants to see me again, I can live the rest of my life the right way because he gave me the chance.”

  As usual, I began to cry. I sunk back to the chair next to Lynn and covered my face with both hands as I wept. I could feel her arm wrap lightly around my shoulders as she pulled me to her. No matter who, what or when, I always ended up crying over the loss of Mason Jennings.

  “Just get better OK? We’ll worry about the mundane shit when you’re home. I’m here for you.”

  I wiped my eyes and whimpered slightly. “I know. It’s just so hard. This is all so hard.”

  “Some of it will get easier.”

  I nodded and gave Lynn a hug goodbye.

  ***

  Dear Mason,

  The moon was full last night and as much as I wanted to ignore the thought of you, I couldn’t. The pain in my chest was the same but I didn’t have the urge to run away from it like I did before. Maybe I’m getting better. Everyone says I look amazing and some days I feel amazing but it’s so hard to believe them. There is no way I deserved a second chance after what I put you and everyone else through, but I got one anyway. I’m still here.

  I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained ten pounds. Lynn bought me some new clothes and hung them in my closet at the house so they would be there when I got home. Chris brought me an ID bracelet with my name engraved on the top side. I think I’ll have my release date engraved on the underside.

  Fallyn

  ***

  Mason,

  Today was the worst so far. I survived the withdrawal and the constant inner struggle, but those things are nothing compared to the knot in my stomach when I signed onto the internet for the first time in two and a half months. I saw your name and I clicked the link without thinking the decision through the whole way. I’d never seen the picture before. We looked tired and I looked sick. You looked sick. It opened my eyes.

  Love,

  Fallyn

  ***

  “How are you feeling today?” my Doctor questioned me as I sat in his overstuffed arm chair.

  “I am really good today.” I smiled, despite myself. It felt foreign to me still; to smile and actually have my feelings on the inside match.

  “No more night terrors?” He scrawled noisily on my chart after every answer.

  I drew my bare feet up under me. “I haven’t had one in three weeks. Can I ask you a question, Dr. Long?”

  He shifted behind his desk before dropping his very expensive pen back into his pocket. “Of course, Fallyn.”

  “I feel different today…I…I don’t know how to explain it but I feel lighter somehow.” I stood and paced a little. “You see, I’ve never felt so unrestrained before and it’s truly frightening.”

  The Doctor stood and strode around to meet me. He placed a calm hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Fallyn, you have a remarkable mind. You, my dear will be just fine and in my line of work…I’m thrilled to say that I’ll probably never see you again.”

  I laughed. “That’s a damn good compliment.”

  “That should be enough for today then,” he said returning to his seat at the desk.

  I waved and left his office with a slight bounce in my step. My meetings were becoming easier and easier. I said whatever was on my mind and I didn’t ever feel the need to censor myself. I’d beaten the night terrors which rode my shoulder like a demon all fucking day long. I lived knowing that they could come back at any time but, if they did, I would be ready for them.

  ***

  Mom,

  I didn’t get to say goodbye. I lost you as a mother so long ago and then I lost myself. It doesn’t really feel like you’re gone because I’d given up on you loving me. Do you know I walked the same path as you and London? The drugs pulled me down until I wasn’t even a person anymore. I ruine
d the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll always blame you for that deep down. I’ll always blame you for taking my sister from me except I can live with that now.

  You were good to me once and that is how I think about you now. You pushed me on the swing in the park near our house at least once a week. You made the best homemade ice cream on our front porch. Those things were misplaced in all my hate for you, Mom. I’m letting the hate go today.

  RIP,

  Your daughter…

  ***

  London,