Beyond the Lens

by Hannah Ellis

  The good thing about not being able to sleep at night was that I could effectively kill a good portion of the following day lying in bed, dozing. I drifted in and out of sleep as the rest of the house woke up and filled the place with noise and bustle. When it went quiet again I dozed for a few hours. Chrissie rang at lunchtime, and I told her that, no, I had no idea that Adam was going to Spain until the exact moment everyone else found out yesterday. She did her best to console me, but I felt no better after I’d hung up. If anything, her sympathy made me feel slightly worse.

  I dragged myself out of bed at Kerry’s insistence and sat and ate a late lunch with her.

  “Why don’t you call and talk to him?” she asked.

  “I don’t know.” I rested my head on the table pathetically. “I can’t decide whether I should make the most of the time before he leaves or cut my losses and avoid him.”

  “Seems like you’re going for the avoiding him approach.”

  “I don’t know if I can bear to see him. I might just end up begging him not to leave me and clinging to his leg!”

  I laughed at the smirk on Kerry’s face and banged my head lightly against the table. Needing something to occupy me, I offered to pick the boys up from their holiday club in the local community centre, and only checked my phone after I’d walked them the ten minutes home. There were four missed calls from Adam and I was contemplating calling him back when Max burst into the spare room, demanding that I help him build a train track.

  When we finished, the track took up every inch of floor space in the boys’ bedroom and I was quite proud when I slotted the final piece into place and watched Max and Jacob couple up their trains. My brothers came in useful sometimes: they were a great distraction. I decided I’d call Adam back later, when it was too late to meet him, but I’d at least get to hear his voice. We’d had vague plans to go out for dinner, but I couldn’t face him. Tomorrow was the live show and the TV network was sending a car for me early in the afternoon so they could prep us for the show.

  I left my phone in the spare room and gave Max and Jacob my attention. My mind kept wandering to Adam, but I pushed the thoughts from my head and focused on playing cars and trains and trying not to wince too much when the boys decided they wanted to pretend to be hairdressers, with me as their model.

  Dad called to say he was running late, so we ate without him, and I was engrossed in a giant floor puzzle with the boys when the doorbell rang. Kerry went to answer it. My heart started to pound when Kerry came back into the living room with Adam behind her.

  “Who’s he?” Jacob asked.

  “This is Lucy’s friend, Adam,” Kerry told him when I lost the power of speech.

  “Hi.” Adam waved and I managed to smile up at him.

  “Finish the puzzle quickly, boys, and then it’s time for bed,” Kerry told Max and Jacob.

  “Can he help?” Max pointed at Adam.

  “I’m not very good at puzzles,” Adam told him, coming down to kneel beside Max and survey the pieces.

  “It goes there.” Max pointed to the middle of the puzzle when Adam picked up a piece.

  “So it does!” Adam grinned at him. They went on like that, the kids directing Adam when he picked up a piece, until it was finished.

  “Come on, then,” Kerry cajoled. “Let’s go up and read some stories before bed.”

  “Can Adam read to us?” Jacob asked.

  “No, he can’t,” Kerry said, chuckling. “Say goodnight and get upstairs.”

  They shouted goodnight and scampered away. “Help yourselves to anything,” Kerry told us as she followed the boys. “There’s leftovers in the kitchen if you’re hungry, Adam …”

  He thanked her before turning to me. I busied myself tidying the puzzle away and tried to get my emotions under control.

  “I thought we were going to have dinner together,” he said while he helped me pick up the puzzle pieces.

  “How did you know where I was?”

  “I asked a reporter,” he told me. “If you give them twenty quid they can find out most things. I did try calling you …”

  “My phone’s upstairs.”

  “So you don’t want to see me, or what?”

  “I do.” I finally met his gaze. “I was just thinking about your job in Spain …”

  “And you thought you’d distance yourself before I’d even left?”

  “Maybe,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me about it? I don’t understand why I heard about it from Carl …”

  “I wanted to talk to you about it. I wasn’t going to leave without discussing it with you. I just didn’t want to freak you out; we’ve not known each other long, and it felt weird to start having serious conversations about our future.”

  “You didn’t have to ask my permission,” I told him, putting the last puzzle pieces away and turning to look at him. “But it would’ve been nice if you’d told me … Anyway, it sounds too good an opportunity to pass up.”

  “Okay.” He sighed. “It might work out. I wouldn’t be working round the clock like when we were in Spain. I’d be able to fly back regularly, and you could visit me. And the work in Spain isn’t going to be forever. It will probably be short-lived. I don’t want things to end between us because of my job …”

  “Me neither.” I told him. “But maybe we can make it work.” I’d have to give it a try, I realised, because even though the thought of being away from him was hard, the thought of not having him in my life at all was incomprehensible.

  “You don’t sound too sure?”

  “Sorry.” I felt a smile flicker at the corners of my mouth. “I’ll just miss you, that’s all.”

  “I’ll be back before you know it,” he promised. “I won’t be able to stay away for long.”

  “Good.” I rested a hand on the back of his neck as he leaned over to kiss me.

  ***

  We ended up drinking red wine back at my place, and once I’d had a couple of glasses I decided it might be fun to watch ourselves on TV. So far I’d done a great job of avoiding it, but I was feeling merry and decided it would probably be entertaining. Adam groaned when I voiced the idea, but I ignored him and reached for the remote.

  It was actually really good fun to relive the holiday. It felt like so long ago already. Now that there was so much more footage to show, the screen was split, with the main action shown in the middle and other boxes in the corners of the screen showing what was happening elsewhere in the house. Adam and I chatted through the boring footage of us all getting ready for dinner, then focused on the screen again to watch me getting out of the minibus and enter the restaurant where we spent our final evening.

  It was fun to watch, and I wasn’t even too embarrassed when I saw myself stealing glances at Adam on screen. I remember being annoyed that night because he wouldn’t look at me, but suddenly there was a shot of him staring at me while I chatted to Matt and Chrissie.

  “Can we turn this off now?” he asked.

  “No, I want to watch!”

  “They’re messing around with the editing again,” he complained when we saw another shot of him gazing at me, this time while I danced with Dylan and then Matt. The screen version of me walked over to the table to sit alone. I remember being in a bad mood, angry that Adam wouldn’t meet my eyes.

  “Turn it off,” Adam demanded, reaching for the remote. I grabbed the remote and held it away from him, watching as the TV showed Adam looking at me so intensely that it gave me goose bumps. Real-life Adam reached around me to snatch the remote and press the power button. He didn’t say anything and I stared at the blank screen.

  “I love you,” I blurted out quietly. The silence enveloped me before the fear hit me. Fear that I’d just ruined everything. That he’d turn and run a mile. The sound of my blood pumping around my body was suddenly deafening.

  When I finally turned to look at him, he had that look in his eyes again. The intense look I’d just witnessed on TV.

  “I love you, too.”
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  Chapter 42

  I woke tangled up with Adam and, for a moment, felt that everything was right with the world. Then my brain kicked into gear and I remembered that he’d be in Spain in a couple of days and I had to appear on live TV that evening. My feelings of contentment took a dramatic nosedive.

  “Morning,” Adam mumbled, pulling me to him.

  I snuggled into him, wanting to enjoy the moment a little longer before the stress of the day fully took over. I smiled when he nuzzled my neck, and tried to ignore the thoughts that flew around my head.

  “What’s wrong?” Adam asked, propping himself on an elbow to look down at me.

  “Nothing,” I told him, running a finger along his shoulder. He looked at me intensely and I cracked. “Could you do something for me?” I asked, panic starting to take over. “Can you come on the show tonight?”

  I felt him tense, and I could tell from the look on his face that he wouldn’t do it.

  “Don’t ask me that,” he sighed, lying back down to stare at the ceiling.

  “I’d just feel better if you were with me.”

  He didn’t say anything. I should probably have given up then and told him I was sorry for asking, but instead I went down the begging route. “Please?”

  “You’ll be fine,” he told me, sitting up and swinging his legs off the bed, then reaching for his clothes. “You’ll have the others around you.”

  “I want you there,” I told him, while screaming at myself to shut up and stop being pathetic. I think part of me just wanted to test him – and it seemed that he was going to fail.

  “I’ve already told them I’m not doing it,” he told me, pulling his T-shirt over his head. He picked up his phone and wallet from the bedside table when he stood, shoving them into his pockets.

  “Okay,” I said, sitting up and pulling the duvet around me as I admitted defeat. “You don’t want to do the show. You don’t have to run away, though.”

  “I’m not.” He smiled as he sat beside me. “I have to go into work to sign the contract. Sorry. What’s everyone doing after the show? Shall I meet you at Dylan’s or something?”

  “I’m not sure,” I told him.

  “Okay, just let me know where you are and I’ll come and find you.” He leaned in to kiss me and then left me contemplating why I was so angry with him. I was so furious that I couldn’t confine my anger to Adam; men in general and the universe at large were also in my bad books. Everything seemed to be going wrong, and I had a feeling my day would only get worse.

  I felt better seeing the look on Chrissie’s face when I calmly told her about Adam’s refusal to come on the live show, and his abrupt exit from my bed. She’d skipped work and arrived at my door so we could be united in our panic about the upcoming TV appearance.

  “What an idiot,” she snapped, banging her coffee cup down on the table in the living room.

  “I can sort of understand …” I immediately wanted to defend him, although I knew he didn’t deserve it.

  “Yeah, I know, we like Adam!” She grinned at me. “He’s a nice guy. But he’s abandoning you for a job in Spain, and now he can’t even offer you some support with the TV show. I might call him and tell him what I think of him.”

  “No, you won’t.” I shot her a warning glance. “He’s right; it wasn’t really fair of me to ask him.”

  “But surely he can see how stressed you are about it? He shouldn’t need to be asked. It’s not really that big a deal for him, is it? One little TV interview. If it was the other way around and he asked you …”

  I bit my lip. “If I didn’t have to do the show?”

  “You wouldn’t do it, would you?” She erupted with laughter.

  “Is that really the point?” I laughed with her, feeling better.

  “No, it’s not the point at all, but maybe we should keep that to ourselves all the same!”

  Chapter 43

  “No!” I stared at the wardrobe lady, who was holding up a pair of black stilettos. “It’s not possible for me to walk in those, so no! Take them away.”

  “That’s all we’ve got in your size.” She gave me a look that told me she was impervious to me and my demands. As though wanting shoes that I could walk in was some unreasonable diva-like request.

  “I’ll just wear my trainers then,” I told her. She raised her eyebrows at me as I stood in front of the mirror and checked out my little black dress. “Fine.” I took them from her. “Thank you!”

  “You’ll be okay,” Kelly told me while she had her make-up done.

  “I don’t want to do this,” I complained. Then my phone rang.

  “Is that Adam?” Chrissie asked. “Answer it. You’ll feel better if you speak to him.”

  “I’ll either shout at him or get upset, and I’m struggling to keep it together as it is.” I’d become increasingly annoyed with him as the day wore on, and this wasn’t the first call of his I’d ignored. I reached for the phone and sent him a quick message saying I’d call him after the show – although I was so mad at him, I wasn’t sure I would. He sent me a message back wishing me luck. I felt like throwing the phone across the room.

  I’d seen Jessica when we arrived at the TV studios and managed to vent some of my anger on her. She’d been in the reception area, talking to an important-looking man in a suit, and she broke away, walking over to Chrissie and me when she saw us.

  “All ready for the big show?” she’d asked, without preamble.

  “No, not really,” I said, my voice loud and angry. “I can’t believe what you did. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through because of you?”

  The smile remained on her face but she glanced around, looking awkward.

  “You could at least apologise,” I shot at her.

  “Oh come on,” she said impatiently. “It’s not so bad. We told the truth; the public saw what actually happened. This could be life-changing; you were part of something cutting-edge. You should be thanking me!”

  I looked at her to see if she was joking, but she wasn’t. She genuinely believed she’d done me a favour. “Why don’t you take a seat for a minute? Someone will come and show you around? You’ll be well looked after today.” She turned to leave but I called after her.

  “Why me?” I asked, suddenly needing an explanation. She turned and looked at me questioningly. “Why did you make me look so bad? Why not the others?”

  She motioned to the couches nearby and we took a seat.

  “Honestly?” she began, her face softening slightly. “Just because it was easy.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Chrissie asked.

  She drummed her nails on the couch. “You have to understand: we had a limited time to edit the show. We had no idea who we would end up with, and how things would work out. We did whatever was easiest. It wasn’t difficult to portray Kelly as a dumb blonde, and it was straightforward enough to make Margaret into a Crocodile Dundee type. Dylan made a good brooding musician,” she said with a shrug. “We took what was there and went with it. We made Ryan into a player and we played up the romance with Chrissie and Matt.”

  “But how could you have known something would happen with Matt and me from the very first day?” Chrissie jumped in.

  Jessica raised her eyebrows. “Is that a serious question?”

  “So you’re saying that I looked crazy?” I asked incredulously.

  “No,” she said, looking at me intensely. “You caused us problems. You didn’t fit easily into a mould. You were flirting with the cameraman and making friends with Matt and Chrissie. That’s what you gave us to work with.”

  “So you mixed it together to create a monster?”

  “We’d only intended to tweak things a bit, just to show how we could. But when it aired, there was such an intense reaction to you that we ran with it.”

  I sighed and leaned back against the couch, unsatisfied with her explanation. So there was no good reason why they’d picked on me? They just had.

  Confron
ting Jessica hadn’t made me feel any better, and I was still annoyed with the production team while I waited for the live show to start. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

  “All ready?” A chirpy young girl with a headset appeared at the dressing room door.

  “Not really, no,” I told her. “I’ve still got to learn how to walk in stilettos.”

  “You’ll be fine.” She smiled kindly.

  “Where are the boys?” Chrissie asked.

  “They’re waiting for you,” headset girl told us. “Follow me!”

  I shoved my feet into the ridiculously high shoes and caught Kelly’s arm to steady myself. “I guess it doesn’t really matter if I fall on my face. At least I might get a cheer then.”

  “It’ll be fine,” she told me.

  “Could everyone please stop saying that?” I snapped and took a deep breath. All eyes shot to me. “Sorry. Okay, I’m ready. Let’s get it over and done with.”

  We met the boys in the corridor and walked together to the studio, waiting backstage until the appropriate moment. “I feel ill,” I told Dylan, slipping my hand into his when I heard the audience clapping. All I wanted to do was turn and run. I heard Chelsea’s voice, and then Carl’s. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, just the hum of conversation punctuated by laughter from the audience. After five long minutes we were moving. Matt went first, drawing a cheer from the audience, then Chrissie, Kelly and Margaret followed. The applause grew louder when Ryan walked on stage – then I felt a hand on my arm when I set out to follow him.

  “You go last,” the smiley headset lady told me.

  “No.” I grabbed Dylan’s hand again. “I don’t want to go last!”

  “It’s okay,” he reassured me. “Just follow me.”

  I’d wanted to slip in with everyone else, thinking I could keep my head down and go unnoticed.

  “Now?” I asked her when I watched Dylan join the others on the crescent couch.

  “Wait,” she whispered, keeping her hand on my arm. “Now! Go.” She gave me a nudge. I fixed my eyes on Dylan and my legs went into autopilot. My heart was pounding so hard that I barely heard anything at first, then everything started to come into focus. I plucked up the courage to look at the audience. Although the lights were low, I could see the first couple of rows, and people seemed to be smiling and cheering while they called my name. I’d wake up any second, I was sure of it.