by Jessie Cooke
“And what about you?” she asked.
“What about me? I’m fine, I promise.”
“Are you safe? What if the old man knows where you live and figures out that Jesse is here?”
“I’ll be fine, but it’s nice to know you care.”
“Don’t start, Axel. Of course I care about your safety. I know that you’re not all bad, okay? I watched you show compassion towards a man you hate tonight. I see you offering him a safe place to stay. Of course I care what happens to you. That doesn’t change how I feel about the lies and the tricks. You can’t control everyone’s lives Axel. You’ll never be happy until you realize that.”
“I can stop.”
“You can stop what?”
“The lies…the manipulations…everything. I can stop it all. I just want you.”
She had tears in her eyes. I had no idea if that was a good sign or not. My social skills are so fucked up. “I don’t want you, Axel. I made a commitment to Mark and I intend to do everything I can to repair that relationship.”
I felt like I’d been kicked in the nuts. I fucking hate being in love. I don’t know why people go on about how great it is. I should just let her walk away. Maybe when she was gone for a while, I would stop wanting her. “You don’t love him…at least not passionately, the way you do me. Besides, no matter how many women I pushed on him…I didn’t make him have sex with Connie.” I just can’t stop myself; my impulse control is as fucked up as my social skills.
“You don’t know how I feel. You don’t know how much I love him or in what way. It insults me when you presume to know. Axel…I lost my mind a little bit when I started working for you. It was all so different and exciting. My life with Mark has always been comfortable and when I met you I felt like I’d been missing out on something. I realize now that it was just a misguided case of “The grass is always greener.” As far as Mark sleeping with that…woman,” she spat it out. I know she wanted to call her a skank, but she was just too good, “He didn’t know what he was doing. He was drugged…”
“Is that what he told you?”
“Yes, that’s what he told me. He said she gave him something in his drink…”
“Did he take the drink to the police or the lab and have it analyzed?”
She rolled her eyes. “No.”
“Then how does he know he was drugged?”
“He knows, that’s all.” She didn’t have an answer for that and I could see in her eyes that I’d got her thinking. I planned on getting her to think even more.
“What was he doing drinking with her?”
“I don’t know, Axel…maybe it was a working dinner…”
“Or maybe he thought, ‘what the hell, my fiancé is three thousand miles away’.” That was low…but I was grasping here.
“Because you set that up! You pushed him three thousand miles away from me.”
“He had choices, Holly. I wouldn’t have left you. And once again, I didn’t make him sleep with her. I commend him on thinking of the drug thing…I don’t believe that it’s true. Connie’s been driving men wild since she was in her teens. You can ask Jesse when he wakes up. He was always hot for her too. She doesn’t need drugs to get a man in bed.” I did give her ecstasy. Connie tells me she didn’t use it. Maybe that’s just her trying to convince me she can have any man…or maybe it’s the truth. Either way, that one can’t be proven at this point so I’m not copping to it.
“I don’t have any reason to doubt Mark’s honesty. I have every reason to doubt yours. Axel, I’m going home. I’m tired and I have a plane to catch in the morning.”
“Please don’t go Holly…”
“Axel, please don’t make this harder than it is.”
“It’s only hard because you don’t want to go. If you didn’t want me you could walk away and not look back easily.”
“If it helps you to think that Axel…”
“I think it because it’s true. You’re my soulmate Holly. My counselor told me. You’re the one that will help me repair my fractured soul…” The look on her face told me she thought I got hold of some bad acid. I hadn’t had any drugs at all in days. This was me stone cold sober and in love. It’s fucked up.
“Your “fractured” soul? What kind of counselor is this?” She chuckled. My feelings were hurt and she was laughing.
“I don’t want to tell you now.”
“Oh Jesus Axel, now you’re pouting? Sometimes you’re like a five-year-old.”
She is just slinging them left and right tonight. “Leah is my soul counselor, okay? She’s a medium…a psychic. She’s looked into my past lives and she says that I have a fractured soul that was caused by pain and trauma…”
“Oh Axel, how much money do you pay this woman?” She thinks I’m a fool.
“It’s not like that, Holly. Listen, you think I’m crazy and in a lot of ways you’re right. But, there is a whole world of things out there that you will never experience because you are “comfortable” and “safe” in your life. You think I’m crazy because I see a soul counselor but I’ve found out a lot about myself that I never knew through her. Most people think I’m crazy because I’m not willing to conform. I’m not willing to be boxed in. I am willing to bend the rules as far as they can be bent without actually breaking them. But you know what Holly? My life is never, ever boring. And you know what else? I’m too smart to be taken in by gimmicks or bullshit. I believe in Leah and what she does. I’ve researched it and it’s an actual science…so make fun of it if you want, but just like people believe in God, I believe in reincarnation and psychics and ghosts…My point is because I’m willing to leave my mind open to other possibilities besides what I see right here before me…my life will never be boring. When I die there will be thousands of people there to tell the stories of how I lived.”
“Just because someone doesn’t live like you does not mean that their life is boring. My life with Mark was not boring.” Her words sounded firm. Her eyes told a different story. Jesse groaned and turned over and I suddenly realized we were still in his bedroom. I took her arm and guided her out, closing the door behind us. I reluctantly let go once we were in the hallway.
“What time is your flight in the morning?”
“Seven.”
“It’s already after two a.m. Stay here tonight…no funny business, I promise. I’ll take you to the airport in the morning.”
“No. I’m going home.”
“Fine, then let me drive you. It’s late.”
“Axel…”
I put my palms up. “I swear, I won’t touch you. I just want to make sure you make it home safely.”
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’ll stay here on your couch,” she said. I knew she just didn’t want to fight, but I’ll take it.
“You’re not sleeping on the couch. You take my room. I’ll take the couch.”
She was giving me a suspicious look. “Why are you being so nice?”
Laughing I said, “I can be nice.”
“You can be…but you hardly ever are.”
“Ouch! That hurt worse than my body does right now.”
“I’m sorry that your body hurts,” she said, sincerely. “You should really be in your bed where you’ll be more comfortable…”
“I’m fine. It was just an expression. You get some rest.”
“Okay, thank you. Good night, Axel.”
“Good night Holly.” I stood and watched her go down the hall. Leah had to be right because my soul felt better just having her close by. I stripped off my shirt, painfully. There were abrasions where I’d hit the pavement on my back and my silk shirt was stuck to them. It hurt like a bitch. I dropped my pants and stepped out of them and then went into the kitchen in my underwear for a pain pill and some water. In the kitchen light I could see that my entire torso was black and blue. I’m glad I didn’t take off the shirt like Ma told me to earlier; I would have never gotten out of there.
I got the water and took the pills and when
I stepped back into the living room Holly was standing there holding a pillow and blanket. She sucked in a breath when I passed under the light and said,
“Oh my God! Axel! You said you were okay!”
I had to laugh. She said it so accusingly like it was one more lie to add to my repertoire. “I am okay. They’re just bruises…”
“What is funny? And how do you know you’re okay?” her eyes were suddenly filled with tears. “How do you know that nothing is broken?”
“Don’t cry. I’m okay, really. I’ve had broken ribs. It hurt a lot more than this.”
“You could have been killed.” Her voice shook and once again I was inappropriately encouraged. “Turn around.”
“I’m really…”
“Turn!” I turned around and my stupid cock twitched. Inappropriately turned on now.
She gasped and a second later I felt her warm hand on my skin. “Oh Axel. Sit down. We need to clean these up.” I started to protest again but I stopped myself. I wanted to feel her touch me again. I sat down and she headed back down the hall. She returned a few minutes later with peroxide and a little first aid kit I wasn’t aware I even had. I have a big one in the Red room, but I’m not sure I should bring that up right now.
“Turn.” Her bossy tone was going straight to my cock. I turned my back to her and she made another little sound. “This might hurt a little bit. There’s a lot of dried blood.”
“It’s okay.” Seconds later I felt her press a cold cloth up against one of the abrasions. I bit my bottom lip to keep from letting an unmanly scream escape my lips. That shit burned! She cleaned them all without talking and then she applied some kind of cream which actually felt really good and covered them with some bandages. When I felt her apply the last piece of tape I was simultaneously pissed that I didn’t have more for her to touch and relieved that she was finished so that I could run to the bathroom and get myself off. All it was going to take was a touch.
31
Holly
I had tears running down my face and I had no clue why. My hands had been shaking since I saw Jesse earlier, but when I saw Axel I almost lost it. The thought of that man trying to run him over…What if he had died and the last thing I said to him was that he lived in a fairy tale world? Shit! I couldn’t make the stupid tears stop!
“Hey,” Axel turned towards me. “Don’t cry baby. Why are you crying?”
“What if you died? What if you died thinking that I didn’t…I mean…shit!” I collapsed into a torrent of tears. He didn’t say anything else. He just put his arm around me and pulled me into his hard chest. Oh Jesus he smelt so good! What the hell was wrong with me? He leaned back into the couch and he just held me while I cried. It was so stupid. He was bruised and scraped! He was fine, he said so! I cried harder and that was when I realized that I wasn’t crying over his bruises and scrapes. I was crying because I felt so damned guilty, and I felt so damned guilty because I wanted him so bad. Once again, what the hell was wrong with me?
I don’t know how long we sat there like that. I had to give him credit for not saying a word…I know how he loves to talk. I smiled at that thought and he must have felt me smile against his chest because he pulled back then and looked at my face.
“Are you okay?” I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to talk. “Good. I’m okay too. Please don’t cry anymore. I can’t stand to see you so upset.” He really did look tortured. I realized then that every time I’d been angry with him so far, he’d looked turned-on and that had only pissed me off more…because the look in his eyes had turned me on a little bit. But, I’d never cried in front of him. At least I knew my absolute misery didn’t turn him on. He’s a sadist, but not a monster. I giggled out loud at that before I realized it.
He smiled. “Okay, give it up. What’s so funny?”
I sat up and pushed my hair out of my face. I tried not to think about what I must look like. “Just my crazy thoughts,” I told him. “You’ve got me so screwed up.”
He laughed then too and said, “I was tired of being the only crazy one. I was hoping it was contagious.”
Laughing again I said, “Oh Axel. What the hell am I going to do with you?”
He grinned mischievously then and said, “I have a list…” The conversation was becoming something else for both of us all of a sudden and I knew better than to go there with him. I sat back and wrapped my arms around my bent knees and pulled them into my chest. I’m not sure if I was warding off his touch…or trying to keep myself from touching him. We stared at each other for a long time and then he whispered,
“I love you Holly.”
I knew I should leave. Run out the door, call a cab and never look back. Life with this man would be like spending eternity on a roller coaster in the dark. I’d never know when the twists and turns were going to happen and the chaos I felt in the pit of my stomach right then would never go away. So why didn’t I want to? Why did my heart race and my breaths come in little short gasps when he said those words? Why did I want to believe his craziness about me being the one to mend his “fractured” soul? Why did I want it to be me? I did. I wanted to be the one that mended the void in his soul. Was it love? Was what I felt for Mark the whole time not love? Why the fuck did it have to be so confusing? Why couldn’t I trust my feelings? I was so sick and tired of fighting with myself!
I nestled against him and then surprising us both, I climbed up on his lap. He let out a breath and wrapped me up in his arms pulling me in tighter. I felt safe, and loved. I made myself stop thinking about everything else and I relaxed and nestled into him. He smoothed my hair with his hand and kissed my head. I think because it was so out of character for him to be so tender…it made me want to cry again.
“Holly?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not sure if this means you forgive me…but just in case, I should tell you now that I’m going to fuck up again, routinely.” My body shook against his as I laughed. I had no doubts that this was the one time he was telling the truth. “You should actually plan on being pissed off at me a lot.”
I pulled my head up and rested my forehead against his. “Are you trying to talk me out of forgiving you?”
“God no. I’m just trying out that honesty stuff. How’s it working so far?”
I stretched out my lips and he met them with his. I felt his body shake and it turned me on to know that he wanted me so badly. I wasn’t quite ready to cross that line again though. Instead, I nuzzled my face into his neck. I could feel his pulse pounding as rapidly as mine was. I breathed him in…I love the way he smells. I love the way he feels. Everything about him turns me on…even when he’s being an ass I still want him. I’m not sure what that says about me.
I shifted my position and he groaned. I felt the pressure of his hard cock against my ass and as his hands came up to caress my back I couldn’t help it…I ground my hips down into him. He groaned again. So sexy. I felt him bury his face in my hair and do the same thing I’d just done…he took a breath of me. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed with the burning need for him to be inside of me. My blood was racing and as if on auto pilot I tipped my head back and looked into his eyes.
“I love you, Axel.” If I live to be a hundred years old, I’ll never forget the mixture of joy and relief in his eyes. He brushed the back of his hand along the side of my cheek.
“I love you so much, Holly. Can I show you how much?”
I slowly nodded my head and I felt his hands scoop underneath me. He stood up, still holding me, pressing his lips to mine as he carried me down the hall.
AXEL
I was afraid that when that old man hit me with the bike I’d been knocked unconscious. Maybe I was dreaming all of it and I’d have to wake up in the morning and realize that she’d gone back to Mark and she didn’t really want to be with me. I looked at her face in the moonlight coming through the window and the raw desire in her eyes convinced me that it was real. Even a dream couldn’t be that sexy.
I
kissed her sweet lips as I carried her down the hall. As we passed the Red room she reached out and touched the door frame. Confused, I pulled my lips back and said, “What baby?”
“I want to do it in there.” Fuck! If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. I put her down on her feet and reluctantly let her go.
“Do not go anywhere…promise?”
She giggled. “I promise.”
As fast as I could go I raced into the kitchen to the key rack and took down the keys. I raced back, hardly able to breathe. I was scared to death she would change her mind. I felt like a fool as I tried to unlock the door. My hand was shaking. I don’t shake. This love shit is fucked up.
“Here,” she said, taking the key from my hand. She unlocked the door and we stepped inside. I closed and locked it behind us and then I took her hand and led her over to the bed. I spun her to face me and said, “I’ve been imagining this night forever…even before I met you, I think.”
She smiled and kissed me softly on the lips. “Me too,” she said.
I shivered. “Are you ready?”
“I’m ready,” she said, confidently. I felt like I was going to have a fucking heart attack…like this was my first time. I peeled the little sundress she was wearing off of her and then I unstrapped her bra. So gorgeous…so sexy. I had to have a taste. I leaned down and sucked one of her breasts into my mouth. She moaned and threw her head back. I nibbled and licked and sucked until at last I found the will to push myself away. There would be time for that later.
“Lay down,” I told her. She lay down on the bed and I nearly came in my shorts as I watched her stretch her long arms out over her head. I climbed up next to her and pulled the leather straps attached to the headboard down. She already had her arms in position and I quickly bound them together. Then I put the straps in her hands and told her to pull while I tightened them. She tried to wiggle up to make them looser…that’s common. I got up and went to the foot of the bed. While she watched with wide eyes I pulled her down by her legs until the muscles in her arms stretched. Then I strapped one leg to the leather strap on the footboard. I reached for the second ankle but thought better of it.