The Stand-In: my life as an understudy

by Elizabeth Stevens

“You still going with not interested?”

  I looked into those pale eyes, willing him to understand something I didn’t really understand myself. I knew what he meant. We both knew I was very interested. But I shouldn’t be. I didn’t want the life he wanted. I didn’t want to swap my sister’s shadow for his. That meant I had to stop this.

  Eli leant in to kiss me, but for once I resisted and turned my face away.

  “Clo?”

  I sighed and pushed him away softly, taking a step backwards to make it more definite. If I was going to keep telling him I wasn’t interested, then I had to start acting like it. For both of us.

  “What changed?” he asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “Did Ella say something to you?”

  “I just… It’s…” I sighed and looked at him, begging him to understand and not make this any harder than it already was.

  “You’re taking Ella to the formal. We… You and I… We can’t…”

  But he wasn’t having a bar of it. “Just say it,” he demanded.

  I took a deep breath and said the words I could never take back. “Whatever I told myself this was, whatever it actually was, it’s over.”

  “It’s over?” he clarified.

  I nodded. “It’s over.”

  He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me like he wasn’t sure what to say or what to do. I opened my mouth, but no words wanted to come out. So I closed it again and looked down.

  I felt him move and forced myself not to look at him. As he passed me, he shoved Milly’s checklist into my hands. Then he was gone.

  I let out a deep breath, willing the sudden prickling heat in my eyes to go away.

  “Milly needs the tables checked,” I reminded myself.

  It wasn’t quite enough to lift the heaviness in my throat, but it was enough to get the job done and get back inside with my report.

  One last bow

  Thursday turned into a blur of last-minute formal preparations and lessons, which made it easier to ignore the slight regret that threatened over what I’d said to Eli the day before.

  It was made even easier as my day was interspersed with Milly appearing in front of me to go over, “One last detail, I swear”. Every time, she apologised for relying on me again and explained that she just didn’t know who else she could count on. And every time I told her it was okay and I was willing to whatever I could to help. She’d finish by checking I was sure I didn’t want a ticket for the next night and I’d shake my head and say, “Thank you, but no”.

  “Okay. I’ll see you in the meeting?” she said, again.

  I nodded as she hurried off, feeling like, even though I wasn’t going, it was just as much my formal now. It was something that had started as an Ella obligation but had ended with me wanting to see it through for my own sake. Most of that was because I hated to see a project unfinished – whether it was my project or not – and I knew that was something I was going to need to work on.

  As I turned to continue on to class, I ran into Lake and his hands went to my arms to keep me on my feet. He was with Ramsey, but the others weren’t in sight.

  “Hey!” Lake said with a warm smile. “You’re in a hurry.”

  “Sorry, just late. But that seems to be my normal at the moment.”

  “You going our way?” Ramsey asked as he kept moving down the corridor.

  I shook my head. “I’ve got Maths with–”

  “Formal is almost upon us!” Govi cried dramatically as he rushed out from God knew where, jumped on Ramsey’s shoulders, then took off up the corridor whooping in excitement.

  Ramsey blinked in surprise as he looked between me and Lake. His arms were out by his sides as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice down his neck or something. I wasn’t sure if he was bracing for another attack or was trying to work out what had just happened.

  “Dude, you done got Govied,” Lake laughed.

  Ramsey nodded slowly. “I think I’m okay with that.”

  “You don’t sound sure,” Lake said, leaning down a little to peer into Ramsey’s face.

  Ramsey grimaced in thought, then nodded again. “Nah. I’m okay with that,” he finally said with a smile. He stood up straight again. “You know I–”

  “Has anyone seen a crazy dipshit come through here?” Eli asked as he came around the corner. “About yea high, green hair, fucking terrible dress sense, and higher than a–” He was grinning widely at his friends, but it dropped when he saw me. “Chloe. Hey.”

  It was suddenly very awkward in the middle of the corridor and I wasn’t the only one to clear my throat.

  I tucked my hair behind my ear and nodded at him. “Yeah. Hey.”

  Lake pointed the way Govi had disappeared. “Nutter and his rhythm sticks went that a-way,” he said quietly.

  Ramsey was looking at his shoes, but he nodded.

  Eli coughed. “Right. Cool. I’ll go and… Go and catch me a monkey, then…” he said stiltedly. He nodded to me once. “Chloe.”

  I nodded once also. “Eli.”

  Eli gave one last nod then walked away.

  “Okay,” Ramsey started, pinning me with his blue eyes. “Do you want to tell the class what that was about?”

  Lake whacked him in the chest. “She’s already late, arsehole,” he whispered. “We’ll see you at the meeting, Gin.”

  He grabbed Ramsey by the front of the shirt and started dragging him away.

  I could hear Ramsey’s, “I just wanted to know what happened.”

  And Lake’s responded, “I can tell you what happened, you muppet.”

  I sighed, straightened the strap of my bag, and plodded to Maths to meet Rica. It was thankfully our last lesson of the day, and she could tell I needed that when I walked into the room and sidled into my chair.

  “Your afternoon go swimmingly then, did it?” she asked me as we left at the end of the day.

  I shrugged. “It was going fine until I literally ran into Lake and Ramsey–”

  “I thought we liked them?”

  “No. We do like them. If you’d let me finish…” I nudged her with my hip as we walked.

  “Sorry,” she chuckled. “Finish then.”

  “Right, so that was fine – obvs–”

  “Obvs,” she agreed.

  “But the Eli found them.”

  “Ah.”

  “Yeah.”

  “How’d it go?”

  I shrugged. “Weird?”

  “As expected.”

  “Well yeah, I guess. But like, not pleasant or anything.”

  Rica snorted. “I was not suggesting that awkwardly running into the man of your dreams who you also totally rejected was going to be pleasant.”

  “He is not the man of my dreams.”

  “I see your lips moving and the words coming out, but I’m convinced it’s ventriloquism.”

  “I thought you were supposed to be supportive? Wind in my sails and all that.”

  “Like Bow said, that’s her job.”

  “Oh, so you’re like the safety rudder?” I frowned. “If that’s a thing.”

  “I don’t think it is. And even if it was, no.”

  “What does that make you then?”

  Rica puffed her chest out proudly. “I’m like that magic compass that steers you to your deepest desire, except you think your real desire is one thing so you resist my direction all the time.”

  “Uh huh. And where do I get my refund on that dud?” I teased.

  Rica threw her arms around my shoulders as we walked into the auditorium, looking around as Milly directed the guys up on the ladders hanging the fairy lights and tulle.

  “I was a gift, brought to you upon the rough seas of life, to see you through the storms that batter your poor little craft as you’re forced to ride out the plunging waves with only–”

  “Are you plotting a painting now. Because this is getting weirdly specific and j
ust wee bit dark.”

  “I wasn’t. But now that you mention it, I’ll put that down on my holiday to-do list.”

  “I’m so pleased my great blunder has fuelled your craft,” I said sarcastically.

  “At least we don’t have to be starving artists now,” she said as she dropped her bag and started putting her hair up.

  “What? What does that have to do with anything?”

  “I did tell you. A lack of money or some horribly traumatising experience.” She shrugged. “Trauma, it is.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “Eli’s not a…” I stopped.

  “Ye-es?” she pressed.

  “He’s not a trauma. An experience, yes. A trauma, no.”

  “That sounds deliciously dirty. Did you withhold some details from me, Miss Cowan?”

  I huffed as I took my annoyance out on the tree with the staple gun. “No.”

  “You tell me why that tree did to you, miss, and I’ll see to it he doesn’t bother anyone else.”

  I turned to Lake, my eyebrows raised in disbelief. “Really?”

  He shrugged and suddenly looked a little self-conscious as well as defensive. “I’m not good with this stuff, Gin. Give me a break.” He turned a somewhat self-deprecating half-smile on me.

  “Sorry. I just–”

  As I went to half-heartedly bat the tree, I missed spectacularly and my hand smacked into Govi’s face.

  “Oh my God, Chloe,” Ella called out. “Watch what you’re doing.”

  “At least she’s working,” one of ‘Ella’s volunteers’ said as she passed with one of the finished trees, then looked up quickly as though she was surprised she’d said anything out loud.

  I tried to fight a snigger but I couldn’t do it with Ella’s look of outrage in front of me, so I turned around and remembered Govi.

  “I am so sorry,” I said to him.

  He stretched his jaw out as though I’d given him my best shot, then he grinned. “Nah. All good. Was barely a tickle.”

  “In that case, Gabriel, could you help me with this tree please?” Ella asked, sounding bored. “The forest won’t finish itself and Chloe is so useful with a staple gun.”

  Govi and I exchanged a knowing look before he jogged over to help Ella.

  We were getting all the trees in place when Milly clapped her hands.

  “Okay, people. This is our last official meeting. If I can just have your attention while we finish working.”

  “We’re almost all sorted and everything is looking amazing. I’d like to give a huge thank you to you all for giving up your afternoons, and to those of you who gave up their lunch times for ticket sales. I’ll do all this properly tomorrow night, but…”

  Milly smiled at me warmly and my stomach dropped in expectation of what she was about to say. “I would like to extend a particular thanks to Chloe Cowan for her dedication, her tireless efforts, her outstanding creativity…” Milly paused, looking around at the gathered members of the committee pointedly. “And for stepping up and helping out just because Ella couldn’t be bothered to show.”

  I wasn’t the only one who gasped. My gasp though was one of dread surprise Milly had actually had the gall to come out and say it. There were other gasps of surprise, as well as a gasp of indignation from Ella and Lindy at the very least.

  “How dare you,” Lindy snapped.

  “How dare I?” Milly asked. “How dare I what, Lindy? How dare I speak the truth about Ella Cowan?”

  “You’ve always just been jealous of Ella,” Lindy said as Ella just sat back and waited for other people to stick up for her.

  “That doesn’t make her wrong,” Matt said slowly and Ella whirled on him quickly. He shrugged. “What? Chloe’s been here since day one, basically. She’s turned up, she’s done the hard work–”

  “She’s kept these arseholes in line,” Ramsey added as though he wasn’t one of those arseholes, lovable or not.

  “She’s actually helped us when we needed it,” the girl who’d been working with Matt the other day said.

  “She’s nice,” Brenda said with a nod.

  Ella looked around and laughed. “Seriously?”

  There were a few hesitant faces, and mine was bright red out of nerves and embarrassment and just feeling totally weirded out about the turn of events.

  “Elijah…” Ella tried. “Tell them.”

  Eli shrugged. “Tell them what, Ella?”

  “Tell them Chloe’s nobody.”

  Eli grimaced. “I… I can’t do that. Chloe’s not nobody.”

  “What?” Ella asked. “She’s just Chloe.”

  Eli nodded. “Yeah. She is.”

  Ella’s laugh was completely covering for a lack of confidence. “Are you saying you prefer my sister?”

  “I’m saying that Chloe put in a lot of effort to make your formal happen. That’s all.”

  My stomach flipped, but I told myself it was for the best.

  Ella straightened herself up and flicked her hair back. “Well, of course. And thank you, Chloe.”

  A few people fell for the routine, presumably finding it easier to ignore the behaviour that went against their view of Ella. But there were those who had obviously seen Ella for the person she was and weren’t going to forgive her quite so easily.

  “Yes. Thank you, Chloe,” Milly said.

  I nodded. “Uh, it’s…fine. I’m glad I could help.” I nodded again, willing myself to stop being awkward but failing spectacularly.

  “And let’s keep on, people!” Milly cried, with another hand clap.

  I spent the rest of the meeting avoiding the apologetic looks from Eli and the harsh glares from Ella and Lindy, but at least he Wicked Bitch and her minion were pulling their weight for once. Which not only served to keep them busy from being able to talk to me, but also seemed to serve to help a few more people forget the dressing down Ella had received.

  But I wouldn’t forget.

  ****

  Norbert’s head nuzzled against my leg as he rearranged in his sleep and I patted him absently.

  After school, I’d gone by the auditorium and had one final look over the formal preparations. The tables were in, the fairy lights were in place, the forest looked enchanted, and the dance floor looked ready to see some action. It was bittersweet, but gave me some ideas for the next year if I felt courageous enough to put myself forward for head of the 2020 Formal Committee as Milly suggested.

  I’d then come home and done what I did most Friday nights; lock (not literally) myself in my room with a book while my sister and parents ignored me (and each other if I’m honest) and Norbert kept me company. Although that night, Ella was at another popular girl’s house to get ready before the Before Party.

  Govi and Rica had promised to send me all the pictures during the night because they were convinced that I secretly wanted to go. Rica should have known I’d be perfectly happy with my book, but Govi wasn’t having a bar of it. And I thought it was absolutely adorable that Rica was siding with Govi in that fight. For the record, she did not like this and I got a whack for my giggles.

  Norbert whined and I couldn’t tell if he was complaining I’d stopped patting him, was having a dream, or if he was wondering if there was a noise outside that required his attention.

  I ruffled his ears one more time, then hopped up for a toilet break.

  I paused as I walked back to my room.

  “…goodness sake, Arlo!” That was Super-G.

  I vaguely wondered why she was over, but it was normal that when she and my father were in a room that she was exasperated with him.

  “Don’t tut at me, Mum,” Dad replied.

  “You’ve got two incredible daughters! Two of them! And you choose to foster the ego of one to the detriment of the real talent.”

  “Ella needs the encouragement, Mum,” Dad huffed and I paused to listen to the conversation.

  “She needs encouragement like I need a shot
to the head,” came Aunt Bow’s voice. “Gin, on the other–”

  “Gin doesn’t need encouragement, Rainbow,” Dad said testily.

  “My foot she doesn’t,” came Aunt Bow’s voice. “She tiptoes around–”

  “What Gin does as naturally as breathing, Ella has had to work hard for.”

  “So she deserves all the praise? Because, what? Gin’s a natural?” Aunt Bow scoffed.

  “I wouldn’t expect you to understand–”

  “With all due respect, Mr Cowan…” That was Lake’s voice, cutting in clear and calm through the emotions of the adults.

  Super-G and Aunt Bow made sense, b why was Lake at my house?

  I padded over to the bannister and looked into the void. It wasn’t just Lake at my house. It was Lake and Govi and Rica and Ramsey. The boys were all in suits – Ramsey in full black of course with Docs and a stud belt, Lake in a far more traditional black and white tuxedo, and Govi in white suit pants with a green velvet jacket, and black shirt with, naturally, green Converse and a top hat. And Erica Gorman! She was in a floaty tulle skirt and cropped singlet ensemble in a dark, dusky pink. She completed the look with soft wisps of hair escaping the paintbrush she was using as a hair clip.

  “Remind me who you are?” Dad said.

  “Lake Walton–”

  “The bass player for Quicksilver,” Rica added and I fought a very loud snort.

  “For what?” Dad asked.

  “That band from Winters, Arlo!” Aunt Bow sighed.

  “The band?” Dad asked, then blinked. “The famous ones?”

  “Semi-famous, at best,” Govi said.

  “And you are?”

  “Gabriel Costa, drummer extraordinaire.”

  “I see.” Dad looked him over, then turned to Ramsey. “And you?”

  “Ramsey Power, guitar and–”

  “Your last name’s Power?” I couldn’t stop myself shouting as I leant over the rail.

  Everyone looked up at me in various states of pleasure. Or lack thereof.

  “What?” Ramsey said, shuffling his feet self-consciously. “It’s my name.”

  “Your friends are here, Chloe,” my dad said. “And others.” He looked at his mother and sister.