by Natalie Ward
Please, Evie, please just give me a chance. Just let me explain this to you, even if all you do is listen and then walk away. I just need to know, just need you to know what really happened that night. That you understand that I still love you, that I never stopped loving you.
I’m getting desperate now and I really don’t know what else to do.
I just miss you so much.
Ben.
3:23 am - 1 March 2012
“You okay?” I ask, as Evie looks up at me, her chin still resting on my chest.
“Yeah,” she says in a way that tells me she’s not really. I can see her eyes, glistening with tears and I know how much she’s trying not to cry right now.
“Not a good time for us, huh?” I say, smiling as I try to lighten the mood a little.
“No,” she says, shaking her head. Her eyes flick to her hand, to the tattoo on her ring finger. “We really should have thought of this sooner,” she says, even though her remembering me wasn’t the only issue back then.
“I know,” I say, my fingers stroking her hair as she continues to stare at her hand. “I mean, we were pretty young I guess, and by the time we found each other again, a lot of stuff happened and then, I don’t know…I guess life just got in the way.”
Evie nods as she continues to stare at her hand. “I can’t believe you and Sarah were talking so much, I mean she told me she spoke to you, but I guess I didn’t realise how much.”
“I can’t believe she pretended she didn’t know where you were, even after you went to stay with her,” I say, always knowing that somehow Sarah wasn’t telling me the whole truth. I’m not sure why, whether there was something about Evie back then that stopped her, or whether Sarah thought I’d just work it all out anyway. It pissed me off when I did find out. Pissed me off a lot. But the relief, the relief at finally being able to speak to Evie, overshadowed it all.
“So how come you never came to visit?” Evie asks, her eyes finally moving back to mine. “Why didn’t you come and check if you thought I might have been there?”
I exhale, blowing out a long breath as my eyes stay locked on hers. “I thought about it, Evie,” I admit, knowing my reasons for why I didn’t are going to hurt her. “I mean I didn’t know exactly where she lived, but I certainly could’ve found out.”
“So why didn’t you?” she asks and I can hear it in her voice, the tiny trace of fear and hurt because I think she knows why.
I let out a deep breath, knowing if there’s one thing I regret from this time, from any of the times we’ve been apart, it’s this. Going to Sarah’s, even if it was just to check Evie really wasn’t there, it would have been the right thing to do. I’d missed Evie for so long and here I was, with an opportunity to find her again and I didn’t take it. Instead, like a fucking child, I did the exact same thing to her that I was angry with her for doing to me.
“I guess because I knew you hadn’t come to find me,” I say, forcing my eyes to stay on hers. “It hurt, baby, when I found that out. It hurt and I hurt that you didn’t want to see me, and I guess…I don’t know. I guess a part of me wanted to punish you for that,” I whisper, my eyes locked on hers. “And I know that sounds awful and yes, I still feel like shit for doing it. I was being a fucking idiot, a stubborn arse and I still regret it now.”
“No,” she says, still watching me as she lowers her hand and smoothes it over my chest. “It actually sounds kinda fair. You’re right, Ben, I was punishing you in a way. I was hurt too, I was hurt and I was angry. But most of all, I was scared. Scared that you might have moved on, scared that I’d left it too late to find you again and you’d gone and found someone else.”
“Evie…” I murmur, wanting to let her know that I didn’t, that I couldn’t do that, even after four long years. Even with the few half-arsed attempts I did make to try and move on. It just never worked out and I could never do it.
“I was trying to work out how to live without you,” she continues, not letting me speak. “Trying to work out how the hell I was supposed to let you go, how I was supposed to move on and forget you, even though forgetting you is the one thing I never want to do.” A tear falls down her cheek now and I see my thumb reach out and gently brush it away. Evie smiles sadly at me, leaning into my hand as she stares back at me. “I feel awful for doing that to you,” she whispers. “Awful that we wasted so much time.”
“So do I, baby,” I whisper back. “After what happened next, I was kicking myself for not just pulling my head out of my arse and going to Sarah’s to find you.”
Evie smiles sadly at me again, not saying anything as her eyes fall to the letter once more. “Did you mean it?” she eventually whispers, not looking at me now.
I reach out and slide my fingers under her chin, tilting her face so she’s forced to look at me. “Mean what?”
“This,” she says, holding the letter up. “About giving me one more month and then letting me go, did you mean it?”
I can see it in her eyes. Not just the hurt at all the things we did to each other, but the fear too. The fear that we really could have lost each other during this time. It’s unfounded, because there’s no way in hell I ever would have given up on her. No matter what had happened, whether she’d never come back to me, or what I said in those letters, I would’ve carried Evie with me for the rest of my life.
I smile at her as I pull her body up mine and lean in, my eyes open as I press my lips to hers. We don’t kiss, just gently rest against each other. I can feel her soft breaths, mixing with mine, see her eyes as she continues to look at me and wait for my answer.
“No, baby,” I whisper against her mouth. “I never would’ve given up on you, or us. They were just words, angry words that I blurted out, never really thinking you’d ever get to see them.”
“Why did you show me?” she whispers back, knowing I could have so easily hidden not just this, but several of the letters that came before it, from her.
But that wouldn’t be telling her my story. And just like I know she hasn’t done in her book, I’m not keeping anything from her. I smile and this time I do kiss her lips before pulling back and cupping her cheek in my hand. “Because we talk about everything, remember?” I say, repeating the words we said back when we finally found each other again. “There are no secrets, baby, not between us.”
Evie’s eyes close as she leans back in and kisses me again, harder this time, as though she’s kissing away the past and all of the mistakes we’ve made. It’s the kiss I would have given her the second we found each other again, had she not been taken away from me so quickly.
“Are we up to that yet?” Evie asks, somehow knowing exactly what I’m thinking right now.
I pull back, smiling at her as I say, “The train station?” Evie nods. “Yeah we are,” I say. “But tell me something first.”
“Anything,” she whispers.
I smile at her again. “Why’d you finally decide to call me that night? After all that time, why’d you finally decide to do it?”
Evie laughs a little now. “Um, you have met Sarah, right?” she says, chuckling. “Just so you know, she might not have told you where I was, but that girl is your biggest fan. I don’t think she shut up about you from the second I arrived in Oxford till the second I left to come and see you.”
I laugh now. “So you basically called me to shut Sarah up,” I say, teasing her.
Evie’s smile falters a little, but she forces it back as she meets my stare. “Yeah, I guess so. But mostly I called because I just really, really missed you, Ben. As scared as I was at the thought of you having moved on, I knew I’d never be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least try. It wouldn’t have mattered how many times I forgot and then remembered everything that had happened, because I never, ever forgot that I loved you. That I love you.”
“Good,” I say as I pull her back for another kiss. “That’s the only thing you ever need to remember,” I say, reaching for the next letter.
29 Febr
uary 2000
Dear Evie,
Bloody hell, that was so close, baby. So fucking close.
And god, I don’t even know how to begin to describe tonight. On the one hand I was so bloody glad you finally called me. Hearing your voice, knowing that you still wanted to see me. God, it was such a relief, like a weight that I’d been carrying around for the last 4 years had finally been lifted.
But then to miss you like that, to not even get a chance to touch you, that killed me, Evie. It was like being thrown back into the nightmare all over again.
And the worst part of all, I know that now, you don’t remember me anymore, and I have no idea how long it’s going to take you this time around. I also know that when you do, when you finally get the trigger, you won’t just remember me, you’ll also remember everything that I did to you, everything that happened to us four years ago. And I’m scared about what that means, about what that’s going to do to us the second time around. Because I can’t wait another 4 years to see you again, baby. I really can’t.
God, Evie, if there’s ever been one thing that I wish you could remember, it’s that you wanted to see me tonight. You wanted this, Evie. Which means you want us. You aren’t ready to let us go yet. And you know what, neither am I…neither am I.
The only positive thing in all this is that I finally got to tell you that I love you again. And when you said the same words back to me, the relief I felt, it’s indescribable. I’m just so fucking glad you know I still feel this way about you… and that maybe you still feel this way too.
This gives me hope you know…hope that we can fix this.
And even though you’re now gone and you will have forgotten me and when you finally remember, you’ll have to remember everything that happened all over again, I’m holding on to that hope.
I have no idea how you do this every four years, Evie. How you keep going through it, remembering all of our memories, all of the nightmares, over and over again. It’s so different for me, because I never forget them. But I never forget the good times either, and that’s what I’m hanging on to right now, it’s what I’m hoping you’ll remember above everything else. Because we had a lot of good times, baby. And I promise you, when you come back to me, we’re gonna have a lot more.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do next. I want to find you, want to get you back and fix all of this properly, but I still have no idea where to start. Nothing I’ve ever done has worked, so I guess I just have to wait again.
But just know I’m not going anywhere, ok? I’m staying right here in London, and I’m going to wait for you to find me again.
This isn’t over between us, Evie. I will wait for you, I promise.
I love you…I love you so much.
Love,
Ben x
3:39 am - 1 March 2012
Evie looks up at me smiling.
“What?” I ask, smiling back at her.
“That was intense that night, wasn’t it?”
I laugh. “Intense is one way to describe it,” I say. “It was also awkward as fuck after you disappeared.”
“Oh god,” she says, sitting up now. I watch as she turns to face me, wrapping the duvet around her shoulders, her legs crossed beneath her. I smile, running a hand over her knee and resting it on her thigh. “I disappeared in public, didn’t I?” she asks. “That’s never happened before.”
“No,” I say shaking my head. “And I’d really like for it to never happen again too.”
“Shit,” she says, slapping a hand over her mouth. “What happened, what was it like?”
I slide my hand up her thigh, my fingers brushing lightly over her skin as I watch her watching me. There’s a look of horror on her face as I imagine she tries to picture all the things that happened that night, how strange it must have been.
“Well, for one thing,” I say, laughing a little. “There was no underwear left behind this time.” Evie tilts her head at me in confusion. “Back when we were kids, remember, the sexy black number?” I say, grinning at her.
“Right,” she says, rolling her eyes at me. “So none of that this time then?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No, nothing. Which reminds me, you never did tell me if you woke up naked in your next life?”
Evie smirks at me and I can’t help squeezing her thigh, sliding my hand a little higher. “No, perv,” she says. “I didn’t. I don’t know why my clothes stayed behind that time. I’ve never woken up in a new life naked. Well…” she says, pausing as she smiles at me. “Except for my favourite new life.”
I smile at her, sliding my hand up to her waist and pulling her forward so she falls on top of me. Evie lets out a squeal, but I wrap my arms around her, pulling her whole body onto mine.
“That was definitely my favourite time too,” I say, looking up at her. “And we’ll get to that one, very soon.” I pull her closer, kissing her deeply before saying, “No, there was only one thing left behind this time, one thing that proved to me you really did come back, that you really were on the train that night.”
“What?” she asks.
I reach for the box again, rummaging through it until I find the small piece of cardboard. “This,” I say, holding up her train ticket.
British Rail
Oxford to London
29 February 2000.
1 Adult.
Evie smiles as she takes it from my hand, turning it over as though she’s looking for something. “God that woman in front of me was so goddam slow,” she murmurs. “I was so close to shoving her out of the way, just so I could get to you.”
“Tell me about it,” I say, laughing. “Certainly earned me a few strange looks as I pushed past her, calling your name only to discover you were gone.”
Evie drops the ticket onto the bed beside us. “What happened then, I mean did anyone else notice?”
I shrug. “I think so, I mean people must have, it was so busy at the station that night,” I say. “But you know what London is like, so many people, all wrapped up in their own thing. I guess most people just assumed they were seeing things or that…I don’t know, they’d somehow imagined you. I did get a lot of strange looks though, calling out to a person who wasn’t there anymore. But I think it was more, oh here we go, just another crazy person, type of look rather than anything else,” I say, pulling a face as I slide my hands up her body and start to tickle her.
Evie squeals as she squirms against me, her body rubbing against mine in all the best ways as she tries to get free. I fucking love how ticklish she is and how this never changes with any of her lives.
“Ben, don’t, please…” she says, laughing now.
“Mmmm,” I say, stopping as I roll us over and pin her beneath me. “How about this, then?” I ask, dropping my mouth to her neck and kissing her all over. “Should I do this instead, or should I keep tickling you?”
Evie moans, not saying anything as her hands slide into my hair, holding me against her skin. I smile against it, covering her in kisses as I slide my way down her body.
“More of this, then,” I whisper.
5 March 2000
Dear Evie,
So Sarah rang me earlier. She wanted to know what the story is because she hadn’t heard from you since you’d left. I told her we’d seen each other. I also told her that I still loved you and that you still loved me and that we had talked.
It’s all the truth, even if I’m sure she took it all to mean that we were back together.
She wants you to call her. I’ll try and stall for as long as I can, but I really need you to hurry up and find me this time, babe. We have so much to talk about, so much to explain to each other. But more than anything, we have so much time to make up for and I don’t want to waste a single second of it, Evie. I don’t want to wait for you anymore. I can’t wait for you any longer…I need you.
I’ve been… Shit, that’s the fire alarm.
I gotta go, babe…I’ll write more tonight.
But hurry up a
nd remember me, ok?
I love you, so much.
Ben x
3:54 am - 1 March 2012
I watch as she glances up at me. “Was that the…?” her words trail off as though she can’t bring herself to finish the question.
I smile, running my fingers down her neck. “The night of my accident?” I ask, watching as she nods at me. “Yeah, it was. That alarm was the call out and that was the fire where it all happened.”
“Will you tell me about it?” she asks, her voice quiet.
I let out a breath, wrapping my arms around her as I pull her close to me. I glance at the clock on the table beside the bed. “Wow, it’s really late¸” I murmur.
“I’m not tired,” Evie says, propping herself up on my chest so she can look at me.
I smile. “Me neither, but we’re gonna pay for it tomorrow when our baby girl wakes up.”
Evie finally smiles now. “It will be worth it.”
“It will,” I say. “Okay, what do you want to know?”
Evie takes a deep breath, slowly letting it go as she thinks about her questions. “How come you went into the warehouse that night?” she asks, surprising me a little. It’s not what I expected her to ask.
“There were people in there,” I tell her. “We had to get them out.”
“Yeah, but why you?” she asks. “Why did you go in first?”
I smile at her, understanding now. “It’s my job, babe,” I tell her. “Someone had to go in there and rescue them and if it hadn’t been me, then it would’ve been someone else.” I was the first person to notice the squatters that night, but regardless, I probably would have been first in even if I hadn’t. After the captain, I was next in charge and protocol said that I go in first.
“Were you scared?” she asks, staring at me.