by Natalie Ward
I shrug. “Not really. I mean there’s always a tiny bit of fear with every fire we go into. But it’s not so much about the fire itself as the knowledge that this could be the one.”
“The one?”
I lean in and kiss her. “The one you don’t walk out of,” I say, my words quiet.
It’s hard to explain, the feeling of walking into a building that’s lit up in flames. No one wants to face fire, especially when it’s a raging inferno. Instinct tells you to run, to get the hell out of there. And it’s hot too, hot as hell, much hotter than you ever expect. A suffocating heat that lingers on your skin and in your bones, long after you’ve walked out.
But then the training kicks in. Reminds you that you’re equipped to deal with it; that you have the gear and the team to back you up, but most of all, that you have a job to do. I remember Dad trying to explain all of this to me, but I never really got it until I went in and just did it.
“And is that what you thought when you went in that night?” she asks. “I mean did you ever think that this was ‘your one’?”
I shake my head. I hadn’t thought that. Not when we arrived and not even when I’d walked into the warehouse. Even up on the second floor, I never thought that this fire would be the one that would get me.
“I remember the wood under my feet,” I tell her. “The way it almost seemed to bounce, like it was a sponge or something. There was a voice somewhere in the back of my head, warning me to be careful. That this was an old building and the fire had been burning for a while. But then I heard a scream and I forgot about the floor and the voice, and I just took off,” I say, watching her as I tell her about the moment that changed everything. I can tell she’s trying not to cry, that she’s trying to be strong as she listens to me tell her about that night.
Because when I heard that scream, when I raced off to find where it came from, when I ran across the room and straight into the wall of flames, that was the moment that I changed my mind. That was the moment when it suddenly occurred to me that this fire could be the one. And I wasn’t just scared when I realised that, I was fucking petrified. Not about the fire or going in to rescue those idiots, I was scared about not ever seeing her again. I was scared that this would be the one, the one I wouldn’t walk out of and the worst thing about that, the thing I was most afraid of, is that I’d never get to see Evie again. That we’d endured the last four years for nothing, because I was about to lose her all over again, only in a way that was much more permanent.
“Ben,” she says, her fingers brushing down my cheek and reminding me that I didn’t lose her, even after everything that happened.
I smile at her. “I ran towards the doorway on the other side of the room, but I never actually reached it,” I say, pausing as I run a hand through my hair, my fingers sliding beneath my head. “One minute the floor was there, the next it wasn’t and the only thing I remember is the sensation of falling. Falling and then…nothing.”
“You don’t remember hitting the ground?” she asks, a trace of fear still in her voice.
“Nope,” I say, shaking my head. “The only thing I remember is being terrified that this was it and I wasn’t ever going to see you again. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital.”
“And two days later, I remembered you,” Evie whispers. “And a couple of days after that, you did see me again.”
I smile at her, pulling my hand from behind my head and sliding my fingers into her hair. “Yep,” I say. “And thank fuck it was so quick this time.”
She laughs a little now and I know she’s trying not to dwell on the accident. We’ve talked about it enough, god knows when I was bed ridden for months, there wasn’t much else we talked about. But most of that was Evie talking to me about how I was feeling, about me walking again, and about her never leaving my side. We talked about our time apart too, but we never actually talked about the accident itself. I think it was probably all too raw and she didn’t want to distract me from getting better by going over what had happened that night.
It wouldn’t have mattered, the second I saw her sitting beside my bed in the hospital, I knew I’d do anything to walk again. Seeing her again was all the motivation I needed.
“Yeah, well you can thank my brother for that one,” she says. “He tried to set me up with some guy, who happened to go by the name of Ben.”
I practically growl as I say. “I liked your brother, Evie, I really did, but you already had a Ben, you didn’t need another one.”
She laughs now. “I know I did. And I liked Nick too, I miss him, a lot.”
“Yeah,” I say, smiling at her. “Me too, but that reminds me.” I reach for the box again and grab the single photo that’s still lying at the bottom. “I do have this,” I say, handing it to her.
“Oh my god,” she breathes out as she stares at the photo. “Shit, I can’t believe you found this.”
I smile, running my fingers through her hair as she stares at it. It’s a photo of Evie and her brother. They are standing together, laughing at something. Nick has his arm around her shoulders and the two of them look so happy. I can’t even remember where or when it was taken, but I do know it’s the only photo we have of the two of them.
“Your brother was a good guy,” I say, watching as she stares at the photo. “It would’ve been nice if he didn’t have to disappear. It was strange seeing him go, even when you stayed.”
“Yes, it was,” she murmurs, still staring at the picture. “I hated that I lost him like that.”
I pull her closer, pressing a kiss to her temple. Even though Evie never really gets to know her families, especially now, Nick was definitely an exception. He clearly loved her and when she eventually let him be a part of her life, I know she grew to love him too. It would’ve been good if he could have stayed a part of her life. But I guess, like all of her previous families, we’ll never know what happened to him.
“I guess there isn’t much more, is there,” she eventually says, glancing at the box. “I mean we got a long time together after this one.”
I grin, lifting an eyebrow at her as I say, “We did. A very long time and a lot of good times too. But that doesn’t mean there weren’t some things I kept,” I say watching, waiting for her reaction.
“What do you mean?” she asks, surprised because she knows it would be eight years this time before I lost her again.
“You’ll see,” I say, handing her another letter.
1 March 2004
Dear Evie,
I’m breaking my rule again and sneaking this one in at work. And you know why? Because for the first time ever, I don’t need to do this… I can’t believe it! You’re still here!
I cannot even begin to describe to you what it felt like to wake up and find you still in bed with me yesterday morning. I thought I was dreaming and I never wanted to wake up. Only then I realised I was awake and you were still here and fuck, it blew my mind, Evie. Blew my mind.
Just know, it was probably the best day of my life. Hard to say exactly, because there’s a couple more fighting for the top spot. I expect there will be plenty more to come too.
We talked a lot though and I’m glad. It was a day for talking and even though I don’t like to think about the times we’re apart, I’m glad I understand it a little better now. And I know you asked me about whether I thought this was all over now and I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don’t. And that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to talk about that part with you. Because there is a part of me that thinks it’s not over, that this is just a one-time thing, a gift maybe, for all of those years we had to spend apart.
I don’t know. I really wish I had an answer.
If I had to guess, and this really is just guessing…I’d like to think it was because we were together, in our home and that’s always where we’ve been supposed to be. Maybe that was finally enough to keep you here, maybe that was all we ever needed for you to stay.
I don’t know, Evie…all I can d
o is hope that it’s enough.
But the thing is, whatever it turns out to be, whether it’s the start of something or just a one-time deal, I’m taking it. We can’t change it, we can’t change any of it and you know what, a part of me doesn’t want to. Because if we somehow changed things, then it might change our life together, and I don’t want to risk that.
I couldn’t ever change wanting you, falling for you, needing you, or loving you. That’s just who I am. I need you, I always have. And whatever happens in four years, I will still feel this way about you, and about us.
Anyway, I’m not wasting our time together thinking about “what ifs”. I’m going to live with you, love you and enjoy you. I can’t wait to come home tonight and find you waiting for me - preferably naked, please… :)
Just remember, no matter what happens, now or in 4 years, I love you, Evie.
Love,
Ben x
P.S. Shit - I just remembered the kitchen table…yep, yesterday was definitely the BEST day of my life so far.
4:08 am - 1 March 2012
“The best day of your life, huh?” Evie says, grinning at me.
I can’t help smiling back at her, laughing a little as I say. “Well, at the time, yeah. But like I said, I expected there would be more to come and I was right.”
Evie laughs now, sliding her arms under my shoulders as she pulls herself up my body and plants a kiss on my lips. “I thought all my wishes, every single one I’d ever had, had all come true that morning,” she says. “Because I’d only ever wished for one thing and when I woke up, I realised I’d finally been granted my wish. And I couldn’t stop staring at you, amazed that I was still here, that we weren’t going to lose any time.”
“Mmm, I know what you mean,” I say, my arms wrapping around her waist. “Like I said, best day of my life.”
Evie laughs. “And now?”
I lean up and kiss her mouth, her chin, her jaw and her neck. With every kiss I press to her skin, I murmur, “Then it was the next day, the day after, and the day after that, and…”
“Ben,” she says, pulling back a little.
“What?”
She shakes her head at me, even though she’s smiling. “Such a softie.”
“Yep,” I say, pulling back. “But you love it.”
Evie laughs again. “I guess your theory on why I stayed was wrong though,” she murmurs, her mouth still on mine.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I was home with you this time around and I still disappeared,” she says.
“Mmm, yeah, I guess that’s true,” I say, staring up her. “Like I said, I’ve never been able to work any of it out, baby. And honestly, I don’t think we will ever will.”
“I know, I don’t think we will either,” she says, smiling at me. She looks at peace though, happy about what happens to us for the first time in forever. And I know why. “It doesn’t matter anymore anyway,” she continues, still smiling. “Because even when I go, I’ll always come right back.”
“Yep,” I say, grinning up at her. “You will.”
29 Feb 2008
Dear Evie,
I once told you there were a million reasons why I loved you. I said they all began with the amazing woman you are and they ended with the type of man you make me want to be. There are so many other reasons inbetween that though, things I’ve probably never told you, even though I feel them every single day, every time I look at you. This will barely even cover it, but I’m going to tell you some of them now. Here goes…
Your smile.
That cute little arse of yours.
Your laugh.
The way you look at me, but especially when you think I don’t notice it. I try not to catch you doing it, but most of the time I can’t resist, because the smile you give me when I do, it’s magic.
Your gorgeous body and the way that body feels naked against mine.
Your touch and the way your skin feels to my touch.
Kissing you.
The way you bite your bottom lip just before you kiss me, almost like you’re trying to decide whether you should. You always should, baby.
Your strength and determination.
The way you keep going through all of this, even when I know you’re tired, when I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you I’d keep you here if I could, that I’m trying everything I can to find a way to keep you here, but that no matter what, I will never let you go.
The way you can always make me smile or laugh.
The way you make me feel like I’m the strongest guy in the world, and that I can do just about anything.
Your sponge baths :)
Your vulnerability - it’s there Evie, I see it, but I’ll always protect you from it, I promise.
The way you come back to me, over and over again.
That very first time I see you when you do. It’s like falling in love with you all over again, Evie.
The very first time I ever saw you, way back when you were just 4 years old. It was the first and only time I’ve ever fallen in love.
The way I’ve known you, and loved you, and been best friends with you, my whole life.
The way we’ve always been just you and me, baby.
These are just some of the things that make me love you Evie Foster. Some of the things that make me love being married to you, that make me want to love and protect you for the rest of my life.
These last 8 years have been amazing, but never more so than the day you married me.
I’m glad I got to spend tonight with you too, even though neither of us liked the ending. It’s been so long this time and I know that’s what made tonight that much harder. For both of us. This pain, having to watch you go, it won’t ever leave me, but it won’t ever stop me from loving you either.
And don’t worry about the guys. I told them all that we’d fooled around a little and then you’d snuck out and gone back home. Yeah, yeah, I know you’ll be blushing when you come back and hear about it from them all, and trust me, you will. I’ve been copping it all night, babe. Totally worth it though…and really, what else could I say to them?! And don’t worry, I promise I’ll find a way to explain you being gone. There will be no fight. Never again, ok?
I do still have a tiny piece of you left with me though… your wedding ring. I can still remember the day I first put it on your finger, the thought I had at the time. You know what it was?
That we should have done this a long time ago.
And we should have. My mum was right, I kept you waiting too long. I should have married you years ago. But it doesn’t matter now, because now we’ve done it. And I can honestly say, I love being married to you more than anything else in the world.
I’ll put this ring back on your finger, Evie, as soon as you find me again.
I love you,
Ben, x
4:15 am - 1 March 2012
“Well,” Evie says, shooting me an evil look. “I guess that does explain all the shit I copped from the guys whenever I came down to the station after that night, doesn’t it?”
I burst out laughing, knowing they did give her a good ribbing. Still do from time to time. “It’s nothing compared to what I get from them, baby, so you should be grateful for that.”
Evie shakes her head at me. “We are never, ever having sex at your station again,” she says, trying to look serious.
“Oh, now that’s just total bullshit,” I say, tightening my arms as though she’s suggesting we’re never having sex ever again.
“Ben!” she says. “They all knew what we were doing in there!”
“Yeah,” I say, shrugging at her as though it’s no big deal. “And you don’t think they don’t all know that we have sex here, either?”
“Ugh,” she says, thumping her hands on my chest. “Of course they do, they just don’t need to hear it, that’s all.”
I grin up at her. The station isn’t exactly that big, especially the living quarters, and it’s not like
either of us was trying to be quiet that night.
“Oh god, they did hear us, didn’t they?” she says, a tiny blush creeping up her cheeks as she registers why I’m smiling.
“Do you really want to know?” I ask, grinning.
“No,” she says as she nods her head.
I laugh now, loving how embarrassed she is by all this. It’s so strange, because with me, she’s never embarrassed. Willing to try anything, god knows I have the photos and memories to prove it. But this, knowing that all the guys might have heard us that night, it freaks her the hell out.
“Yeah, babe,” I say, laughing as her eyes close when she realises what my answer’s going to be. “They heard us.”
“Shit,” she says, her head falling onto my chest.
I can’t stop laughing, tightening my arms as I whisper, “And I’m never gonna be embarrassed about it, Evie. I don’t care who knows how much I love you.”
“Ugh, stop,” she says, burying her face in my shoulder. “I love you too, Ben, but I can’t think about it. Can’t think about the guys listening to us have sex.”
And I can’t resist rolling us over and saying, “Then how about I give you something else to think about.”
“Whoah, hold up a second, mister,” she says, her hand on my chest.
I look at her, wondering what she’s stopping me for. “What?”
Evie smiles. “What did you tell them, to explain where I was for three months? It was kind of the first time you’d had to do it in a while.”
I let out a breath. “Yeah I know, it was,” I tell her.
And she’s right. The last time I’d had to really explain her disappearance was back when we were kids, when the shit hit the fan at the party Rach threw for her. After that, things were different because the only thing I had to explain was why she wasn’t coming back.
I never told anyone but Sarah about seeing Evie at the train station four years after she disappeared on me, and Sarah was far enough away that it didn’t matter. Plus, Evie came back quickly after that and with everything that was going on with me; we were able to get away with it.