“My penis only gets up to salute really good, good friends,” I say, letting her go. “Now let’s prove your theory wrong, shall we?”
“All right,” she counters, turning to grab her purse. “So I’ll text you the address tomorrow and I guess I’ll see you there.”
“Wait,” I say while she bounces down the steps to her car, “am I not picking you up?”
“That would be a date.” She turns around again, walking to her car, unlocking the door.
“Wow, you don’t think you can be in a car with me without it turning sexual?” I lean against the doorjamb, smiling. “Interesting.”
“You’re a funny guy, Noah.” Is the last thing she says before she gets into the car and drives off.
I watch her lights till I can’t see them anymore. Closing off all the lights around the house and making sure everything is locked up, I head to bed with a to-do list and a smile on my face.
My morning goes off without a hitch. I’m about to ask someone to get me lunch when Harvey comes in my office.
“I came to see if people were lying,” he says, going over to sit on the couch.
I’m about to answer him when Austin walks in. “Asshole.” He almost yells, looking over at Harvey. “Hey.”
“Why am I an asshole now?” I ask, leaning back in my chair, my hands going to the armrests.
“Oh,” he starts, “you’re an asshole every single day, but now it’s even bigger. He made John and I go on a stake-out for a girl yesterday.”
“Really?” Harvey asks, all intrigued.
“It was during the day. In the sunlight. People called the cops because they thought we were pedophiles.” He shakes his head. “I crawled through piss and shit for him. It took two showers to get the stench off of me. I actually think it was skunk piss,” he finishes while Harvey laughs.
“Oh, please, you wouldn’t be able to sit in the car if it was skunk.”
“The office is buzzing about him also. He came in to work whistling.” Harvey looks from Austin to me. “And he hasn’t made one pass at any of the girls this morning.” He nods his head.
“I’m sure I did,” I say, trying to remember and realize that I haven’t said an inappropriate thing all day. “Let me ask you,” I finally speak up. “If someone would be doing goat yoga, would they wear a jock strap?”
They both stop talking and blink at me. Austin starts first, “Why the fuck would you be going to yoga, let alone goat yoga?”
“Kaleigh said she doesn’t fuck the same guy twice. So, I convinced her that we can be friends,” I say, folding my hands on my stomach.
“You’ve never been friends with a woman in your life,” Austin and Harvey say at the same time.
“That’s not true. I’m friends with Dani and Barbara. Oh, and…” I snap my fingers, trying to come up with more names.
“Number one,” Austin starts, “you’re friends with Dani because John would cut off your dick with a rusted saw if you even looked at her sideways, and that was before they were even married. And Barbara is ninety.”
“Okay, can we not do this cross examination right now? Should I wear a jock or not?”
“So,” Harvey starts, “you bang this girl. Stake her out, then when she tells you that she doesn’t bang the same douchebag twice, you proceed to tell her that you only want to be friends with her, and she buys all this?” he asks with his eyebrows pinching together.
“Oh, God,” I say, sitting up, now running my hand through my hair. “I can totally be friends with a girl.” When they both shake their heads I continue, “I can. So what if she broke my dick? I can do this. How hard can it be?”
“So you are going to do goat yoga? What the fuck is that?” Harvey asks.
“I Googled it this morning. It’s basically yoga and goats just walk around.” I throw my hands up. “Free rein.”
“Definitely wear a cup,” Austin says, finally chiming in.
“That’s what I thought also. Imagine if they come and bite my dick.” I shake my head. “I would die.”
“Yes, you should definitely cover the twig and berries,” Harvey says.
“That’s what I was thinking,” I say, grabbing my crotch. “Keep everything in place and intact.”
Harvey gets up, slapping Austin on the shoulder. “I should go. I need to order my wife jewelry or something to thank her.” Then he looks at me. “For everything.”
I laugh at him as he walks out. “You know that she is going to see through your bullshit, right?” Austin says. “You wouldn’t know platonic if it hit you in the nuts and then kneed you in your face.”
I tilt my head. “Dude, you have anger issues I think you should fuck out of your system.” I get up. “Besides, maybe I don’t want to fuck her either.” I smile big. “I need to work on my game face.”
“You are so fucked. Goats are the least of your problems.” He shakes his head, walking out of the room.
“I’m fucked? You’ve been walking around with a boner for your assistant. That’s even after she almost made your testicles explode!” I yell as he walks away, flipping me the bird in the air. “You don’t have a yoga mat I can borrow by chance?”
He just shakes his head till he turns the corner.
I pick up my phone and text Kaleigh.
Where does one buy a yoga mat and clothes?
Her answer is almost instant.
I’ve got you covered. Show up fifteen minutes before so you can change.
Perfect. See you there, friend.
I smile, putting the phone down, making a list of things we could talk about. Things friends talk about. Weather, politics, scratch that, no one talks about politics. So far weather. I buzz for Norma to come into my office. Once she comes in, I ask her, “Norma, what do you discuss with your friends who are male?” I pick up my pen, waiting for her answer to take notes.
“You can discuss a bunch of things. Weather, travel, your day, favorite food, schools, kids, sports. The list goes on and on, sir.”
I nod. “This is great. Thanks again, Norma.” I smile at her as she walks out. She turns around right before leaving.
“This look is good on you,” she says.
“What look is that?”
“Smitten,” she says, walking out, leaving me smiling.
Shit, if this is what smitten feels like. I look down at my dick. “Sorry, dude. I’ll take care of you as much as I can.”
Chapter Fourteen
Kaleigh
“You did what?” Stephanie yells at me while slapping the desk next to her.
“I told him we could be friends. Jesus, it’s not like I can’t be friends with a man.” I roll my eyes at her and pretend to check my nails so she doesn’t see the bullshit in my eyes.
“The only male friends you have are gay. Or husbands of friends.” She points at me accusingly. “You slept with him.”
“I’m aware. My vagina is still a little tender, thank you very much.” I glance around the studio.
“You never ever friend zone someone you did the dirty monkey with.” She picks up her water, taking a long gulp. “He’s that big?”
I roll my eyes again, not wanting to answer her questions. “Anyway, can you call Amelia and tell her to put him down and to bill me?”
“So let me get this straight, please, because I seem to be a tad confused. You meet this guy, hot guy, you have sex with him. Then he sends you a million roses. You blow him off.” She looks at me and I don’t say anything, so she continues, “Now he somehow cast a spell on you and you have given in to the cardinal rule that you will never be friends with people that have been inside you.” She tilts her head. “Am I right?”
“First thing, I was introduced to him by my sister. I didn’t go out to meet him. Second, women and men can be platonic friends. Apparently it’s been done before, or so I’ve been told. And third, I admit that I have the same thoughts that you just outlined, but Noah wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I just have to show him otherwise.” I fold m
“This is going to be better than watching Bachelor in Paradise.” She slaps her hands together and rubs them.
I’m about to tell her that she’s being ridiculous when I get a text from Noah, telling me he doesn’t have a yoga mat or clothes. I laugh as I type my response, going to the rack of clothes hanging in the corner.
“Are you getting clothes for your friend who is a boy who you want to bounce on all night long?” she says, leaning over the counter to watch me grab a pair of loose shorts with matching tank top. “Why aren’t you getting him the tight pair of shorts?” she yells while I glare at her. “You know the ones we all stand by and watch the men in, the ones who shows if they are packing?”
“Put an ad in the paper for a receptionist.” I turn back around, grabbing him a blue yoga mat. “You’re fired,” I tell her, walking out, putting the stuff in my car and getting ready to go get the kids.
By the time I pull up to the yoga studio I see my friend Caroline, the owner of the studio, and Tammy, her partner. I grab the bag with Noah’s clothes and both our mats, walking to them with a smile. “Hey.” I kiss them both. “I’m so excited about tonight. Are the goats here already?” I ask them, searching for Noah.
“Yeah,” Tammy says, grabbing my hand. “Come inside and see we have about thirty of them and they are babies also.” I get dragged into the studio. It’s not as big as mine; it’s just one large room with a mirrored wall. There are some people setting up while the thirty goats get familiar with the room. The goats are all spaced out, some jumping on each other, some lying down. There are about ten to fifteen people already in the room. I see a couple of familiar people from my studio, so I smile and wave as I place the yoga mats down. I’m unrolling my mat and I’m about to sit on mine and start to stretch when Karen comes over.
“Hey,” she says while I bend over to wrap my hands around my ankles, stretching out my hamstrings.
I come back up. “Hey, are you excited about the class?” I ask her, smiling.
Karen is known as a yoga cougar. She lies on her mat, checking out her prey before she pounces on them.
“I can’t wait to see how it really is. See how the goats actually react.” She is about to go on when the door opens, making the bell over the door ring. We both look over at Noah, who is now standing at the door. The sun coming in all around him makes him look like an angel. The smirk he gives me makes my panties melt and he hasn’t even said anything. “Holy shit,” Karen says quietly but stops talking when she sees Noah walking over to me.
“Hi.” I raise my hand to wave at him, but he comes in, leaning down and kissing me on the cheek. “Glad you could make it.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he says, his voice smooth. I’m about to say something when Karen clears her throat. I see her moving from side to side with her hands behind her back. “Who do we have here?” she asks.
“Um, Karen”—I point to Noah—“this is my friend Noah. Noah, this is Karen.” I point to her.
Noah reaches out to shake her hand that she brings in front of her.
“Oh, nice hard grip you have there,” she says and I about groan out and make gagging noises.
“I have your change of clothes,” I tell him, handing him the canvas bag that I put the clothes in. “There is a bathroom through there.” I point to the door in the corner of the room. “Class starts in five minutes,” I tell him when he nods and makes his way to the bathroom.
“Holy mother of god,” Karen says, watching him walk away, “who is that fine glass of cold milk after a nice rice chocolate cake?”
“Oh, that’s Noah.” My eyes rove around in search of anyone else I can leave her with before she starts asking more question.
“Is he single?”
“He is, from what I know.” I’m about to continue when the door opens and Stephanie comes in, walking straight to me.
“Hey, glad I’m not late. What’s up, Karen?” she greets us both.
“Steph, do you know Noah? Does he take classes at the studio? Relaxation room? Anything?” Karen asks while Stephanie unrolls her mat next to mine.
“I have no idea. He’s a friend of Kaleigh’s,” she says, bending to pet the goat that is trying to lick her feet.
“I’m going to totally go for it. You don’t mind, do you, Kaleigh?” she asks, looking for Noah to come back.
“No, not at all, but I should mention.” I look around to see if anyone is listening. “He suffers from IBS. You know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome.”
Stephanie is giggling with a goat in front of her mouth to hide it.
“Oh, they have pills for that,” Karen says.
“He also suffers from ED,” I blurt out, shocked at even myself.
Karen stares at me, her mouth open.
“Yes, if it wasn’t enough for him to have ED, the minute his penis is erect he suffers diarrhea.” I see Noah coming back into the room. “He doesn’t like to talk about it,” I whisper at Karen, who gives Noah a once-over and then walks away.
“Friends my ass,” Stephanie says as Noah finds his place next to me in front of his mat. He smiles at me. “Is this my mat?” he asks while I nod.
“Hi,” Stephanie says from her sitting position. “I’m Stephanie. I work with Kaleigh.”
“Hi there,” Noah says, going to lean over and stopping when a goat bites his calf, making him jump. “Fucker,” he hisses.
“Okay, everyone, before we start I’m going to go over a few rules. The goats are free to come and go as they please. They are not toilet trained, so there is a chance that they might go wherever they please.” Tammy, the instructor, starts talking. “Most know how to jump, so there may be times where you can be in a position and the goat will take advantage of it and jump on you. Please, please do not freak out. You can hurt yourself as well as the goat. If by chance the goat jumps on your back, please go into the table pose position.”
Noah leans over, asking me, “What is that?”
“Now with that said, if at any time you don’t feel safe or comfortable you just say the word and Caroline or myself will come and help get you centered again. Okay, let’s get started. Everyone on your mat. Feet shoulder width apart. Now let’s take a deep breath in and exhale.”
Noah is mimicking what Tammy is doing and trying to shoo away a goat that is trying to nibble on his toes. The movement just makes the goat come back, the goat head landing straight into his upper thigh giving him almost a Charlie horse. He falls on one knee. This time two more goats come to him, thinking he’s their personal toy. One tries to lick his nose while another one is biting his shorts in the back. Two goats jump over the one, trying to make out with him, one of them hitting him in the junk, making a loud knock.
“I knew the cup would come in handy.” He smiles at me, making the goat’s tongue slide into his mouth. He gently pushes the goat away from himself. “Dude, you didn’t even buy me dinner,” he says, getting back on his mat.
“We are going to start off easy with the Sukhasana, which is the
Easy Pose,” she says, getting to her position on the floor, folding her legs over each other. She goes over the instruction on how to properly do the pose. A little brown goat comes up to me, jumping in the middle of my lap and then lying down, placing her head on my leg.
“Ouch.”
I open my eyes, looking over at Noah, who is now scratching his back on the side.
“Fucker bit me, twice,” he whispers to me.
I try not to laugh, but I giggle silently.
“How do I get him to be calm like that one?” He points to the goat that is now sleeping in my lap.
“It’s the energy you give out. I’m more Zen. You’re more rock and roll,” I tell him, closing my eyes and starting my breathing again.
“Just concentrate on your breathing,” Tammy says as she inhales and exhales. We stay in that position for about two minutes, her calm voice starting again. “We are going to head into Adho Mukha Svanasana, which is the Downward-Facing Dog Pose,” she says, getting on her hands and knees.
I don’t have to watch her to do the pose, but I open my eyes, taking in Noah, who tries to get into position on his hands and knees, but the goats are all over him, as if he is hoarding food in his body. He is about to get up to his toes when a goat goes to his ass. He nips his ass cheek, making Noah swing his hips a little, but the goat doesn’t let up and now his friend is coming to join in the party. This time both of the goats go straight for his asshole.
Noah bucks the goat off hissing, “Fuck off.”
I’m just watching it and laughing to myself as a goat jumps up on my back. I lower myself to my knees to make sure the goat doesn’t fall. Another goat is going up to Stephanie’s mat and just shits right next to her mat. Noah is still trying to get the goat out of his ass. He swings left, but the other goat gets right in where. The goat gets out, both of them basically eating his ass while he swings from side to side. His shorts are being pulled by their teeth from left to right.
“This is goat rape,” he says loudly while a goat goes on his mat and lies under him. He looks up and tries to bite the shirt that is hanging. “Umm, excuse me, uncomfortable here,” he says out loud, having Caroline get up and walk over to him, shooing the goats away with encouraging words.
“They really like you,” she says as one comes trotting over again, almost charging as if he’s a bull and Noah is waving the red flag. They are caught by Caroline just before they reach their prime target, which is Noah. Caroline stays next to Noah for the rest of the class to ward off all the goats who seem to be taken with him. He is actually even missing a piece of the hem of his shirt.
Tammy finally calls out the last pose of the night, which is the “Savasana” also known as the corpse. “Now this is known as the most challenging pose,” she starts off saying as she gets into position on her back. “It’s challenging because you lie there and free your mind of everything. However, your mind never really shuts up. I know many of you will be thinking about the email that you should have sent, or what you will eat for dinner.” She continues as she places her hands at her sides. “Or maybe some of you are wondering what that smell is, but here is something to help keep the menial thoughts at bay. I want you to think of something that would make you smile.”
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