Tempt The Playboy

by Natasha Madison

  “It’s not me, it’s the baby.” I start to feel tears come. “I didn’t want to eat it. I told him it wasn’t good.” I rub my full belly, feeling my boy do cartwheels.

  “Honey,” he says, coming closer to me. “It doesn’t matter. Just next time I’ll have to order two meat lovers instead of one,” he says, opening the veggie one, finding it all in one piece. “The things you do for your kids,” he says while eating the veggie pizza.

  “Do you think we should have a baby shower?” I turn on my side, watching him eat. “I mean, it’s a normal thing to have.”

  “Who wants to throw you a baby shower?” he asks while taking another piece.

  “Well, Lauren did actually.” I look at him. “It’s tradition.”

  “Oh, I wonder if we can get the same girl Austin got when he ordered the penis balloons.”

  “We are not getting penis balloons,” I say, sitting up, my stomach blocking me, having my shoulders slouch.

  “Why? He has a penis,” he says, throwing the veggie pizza back into the box. “We have to have some penis decorations.”

  I sit here as I scratch my stomach round and round. “I’m leaving everything to Lauren. We need to go and make a register.”

  I hear him groan as he rolls to his back. “We barely survived crib shopping.”

  “That’s because you asked them if you could get in and see if it was sturdy enough.” I point at him.

  “If my son is going to sleep in it we need to know it’s top of the line.” He gets up, grabbing the pizza boxes. “Anyway, let’s do this whole registry thing and see what happens.” He winks at me and walks away.

  “Bring up some of those disgusting pepperoni sticks!” I yell and then send a text to Lauren with the go ahead for the baby shower.

  With the amount of meat I am eating, I’m surprised I don’t moo when I walk down the street. “Noah,” I yell from the bathroom. I am now almost nine months. Thirty-seven weeks, to be exact. Noah comes running upstairs, his body slick with sweat from just running.

  “What happened?” he asks, coming in, panic in his eyes.

  “I’m so fat,” I cry, my hands coming out to my sides. “I don’t even know if my vagina is swollen or not.” I try looking down and see nothing. “See, nothing. I can’t see anything. It’s just stomach. I miss my toes.”

  “Babycakes, you look like a goddess.” He comes to rub my huge stomach. “You’re a goddess for my kid.” He kisses my stomach. “And more to come.”

  “I don’t think I want another child. I mean, I want more than one, but I’m not sure my body can handle it. I mean, look at me.” I point up and down my body.

  “It will be okay. You have a pretty new dress. You will put it on and smile and laugh and eat lots of hot dogs and hamburgers.”

  “My whole body looks swollen.” I look down and although I have gained almost forty pounds it is all in my tits, ass, and belly. “You put this baby in me. You need to have sex with me to take it out.”

  He looks at me, confused.

  “Lauren said if I play with my nipples and we have sex, I might dilate or something.”

  “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more like a piece of meat than now, and I like it,” he says, walking into the shower. “But Lauren just called and she said if we are late she will skin us both alive. Me first, you after you have the baby.”

  I waddle—yes, you read right—I fucking waddle over to the bed where I sit down, my stomach feeling like it’s in my throat. I lean back while I pick up the bra that I’m using today. This is one place that went from zero to hero. My nice B cup is now a solid D if not closing in on DD. Putting on my bra and thong, I walk over to the closet we both share now. I grab the blue full-length lace dress with slits all around the legs. Noah comes into the closet with a towel wrapped around his waist. Little drops of water linger on his chest. I lean in, kissing his chest, then step into my dress, turning to have him zip me up. The zip goes up and he kisses my neck after I lean into his chest, turning my head so he can kiss me. His hand goes to my stomach while he kisses me softly on the lips.

  “Love you, wife,” he says with a smile on his face.

  “Love you, husband.”

  He holds my hand gently, softly, securely while we walk into Lauren’s backyard. I stop when I take in the scene. There are more penis balloons than I thought would be possible to have in one sitting. It makes the anniversary party look like child’s play.

  “What the hell is all this?” I look around, seeing Lauren with a scowl on her face.

  She comes storming over, her eyes shooting daggers at my husband. “I said you can have a couple of balloons. I didn’t say over five hundred.” She looks around as the helium penis floats high.

  “Actually there are six hundred and fifty.” He looks at his work with a smile on his face. “The suppliers ran out,” he says, grabbing a drink from the waiter passing by, in the shape of a penis, topped with a penis straw.

  “Oh, honey, you’re here.” My mother comes to me as she is wearing glasses with a penis point up in the middle. “These glasses are so funny. Look, I have a penis on my face.”

  I take in my mother dressed in a floral dress, with pink sunglasses and penis but what gets me is a wide brimmed hat in a black paper braid material featuring a wired ‘shapeable’ brim, hatband, and bow in a wide, white-on-black polka dot ribbon, white ‘pearl’ accents and an extra-large white rose. “Mom, what is with the hat?” I ask her, confused.

  “Oh, this, it’s a derby hat,” she says, throwing her hands in the air. “I didn’t want Noah’s friends to think we didn’t have class, so.”

  “I love it.” Noah puts his two cents in as my father walks outside from inside.

  “Would you look at this,” he says, watching his feet at he comes down the stairs.

  He’s coming to us with something strapped to his chest. “It’s called ‘nurse me tender.’ It’s for Noah so he can see what breastfeeding looks like.” The thing is tied around his waist and over his shoulder, a bottle placed where the breast would go. He grabs a baby doll and puts it to the bottle. “Look, I’m almost a woman.”

  “Holy shit,” Austin says as he comes into the backyard. He goes to Lauren and wraps his arm around her waist, bending to whisper in her ear.

  Her hard face goes from kill him to it’s going to be okay. She nods her head at him while he walks to us, looking at my father and him trying to breastfeed the baby and then my mother and her ridiculous hat.

  “You’re lucky that you’re giving her a nephew.” Austin points at Noah while he smiles.

  My stomach gets tight for a second as I rub my hands over it in a circle. “Oh,” I say out loud. “That was a big kick,” I say as I get another tightness around my belly and this time it leads to my back. “Ouch,” I say while Noah looks at me and then the unthinkable happens. My water breaks, gushing out and onto Austin’s shoes.

  “What the fuck?” Austin says while I look at Noah.

  “I think my water just broke.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Noah

  “Heee hhheee hoooo hooo heee heee hooo hooo. That’s it, just breathe through your nose, out through your mouth,” the nurse tells Kaleigh while her eyes are closed and she is focusing on the pain.

  She is sitting in the middle of the hospital bed with her legs crossed, wearing a hospital gown. The contractions are every four minutes. I am kneeling behind her, rubbing her shoulders and her back when the contractions come again.

  We are in the hospital finally after her water broke all over Austin’s shoes and he turned and almost yacked. We all got her into the car where I got us to the hospital. We went through lots of arguments over where to have the baby. Kaleigh wanted to have it in our bedroom, in a tub. I was almost in agreement when she took us to go watch another room do it. One look at the tub and I vetoed that. So we compromised. We’ll have it in the hospital if I bring all her Zen stuff. The room lights are dim, to almost off, the sound of the ocean and
waves in the background softly playing along with some flutes and bells.

  “Knock. Knock. Knock,” Dede says as she walks in with her balloons in one hand and flowers in the other hand, her hat still on her head. “What is that noise?” She scrunches up her nose.

  “It’s Zen music, Mother.” Lauren walks into the room, pushing herself forward. Sneezing once, twice, three times. “Is that sage?” she asks and Kaleigh just grunts.

  “Okay, time to do a check,” the nurse says as she gets off the bed. “Lie back, feet up,” she says, getting up and going to the side and grabbing a pair of gloves. “Okay,” she says, lifting up the gown. As soon as she does that Austin walks right in, his eyes going straight to Kaleigh on the bed. “Oh my God,” he says and looks to the side and then at the floor and then puts his hand to his mouth. “I’m going to be sick,” he says, looking pale.

  Lauren goes to him, grabbing his face.

  “Why does it look like that?” He looks like he is going to cry. “Why is it puffy?”

  I put my head back and laugh. “Dude, the baby is almost crowning. You should come watch.”

  “Are you fucking insane?” Austin says and walks out of the room while Lauren grins.

  “He gets queasy.”

  I look down to see that the nurse has her hand all inside Kaleigh.

  “You’re at nine centimeters. This one is coming in fast.”

  “It’s ’cause she played with her nipples and we had sex before the shower.” I look at Lauren. “Sorry about that. I just couldn’t resist. She needed the sperm.”

  The nurse gets up, throws her gloves in the trash, and calls someone on the phone. “Okay, the doctor is on his way up. We are going to get everything ready,” she says, going to the corner of the room and turning a light on in one of those glass cases. She grabs some blankets and opens them up. She rolls it close to the bed.

  “Something is happening,” Kaleigh says while her face is now covered with sweat. “I feel so much pressure. It hurts so much now.” Her head goes from left and right and she tries to breathe, but that is out the window and now she is howling in pain.

  My hands go to my head, pulling my hair while Lauren holds her hands and tells her that everything will be okay.

  I’m holding her other hand now as I move the hair away from her face.

  “Okay, Kaleigh, how about we try some pushing?” the nurse says as she stands in front of her. “Bear down and push.” Kaleigh grabs my hand, puts her chin to her chest, and groans out as she pushes.

  “One, two, three, you’re doing great. Seven, eight, nine, ten. Okay,” she says, grabbing another pair of gloves. “Okay, that was great. The baby is crowning,” she says, looking down at Kaleigh.

  The doctor comes in with another nurse, who puts on the doctor’s scrubs jacket. “Hey there, Kaleigh, Noah,” she greets us as she sits on the stool in front of Kaleigh as she takes in the baby’s head.

  “Okay, looks good. How about we push one more time?” Dr. Noelle says as she puts some gloves on and the nurse starts counting.

  I look down at the head coming out and put my hand over my mouth. It’s not a normal size head. “Holy shit, is he going to have a small head? Did my penis knock him in the head? Is that why it’s so small?”

  Dr. Noelle looks at me and laughs. “Noah, she’s crowning, which means the head is coming down. It’ll show more soon. Now, Kaleigh, stop pushing for a second,” she says and puts her finger inside, turning it around the baby’s head. “Now let’s push again, okay?” she says and as Kaleigh bears down I take my phone out and tape my son’s head popping out of his mother. “Okay, stop pushing. The head is out.” I look up to see Lauren and Dede with tears running down their cheeks. I look down and see the doctor grab onto his head and watch as his shoulders come out and his whole body slides out like a snake and she suctions his mouth while she holds him upside down and tears run down my face. I look down at Kaleigh, who has a red face and her chest is going up and down while she pants and cries as the doctor places our son on her chest.

  “Oh my God.” She sobs out and her hand cradles our child as he cries out his first sound. “My baby.” She sobs as I lean down and kiss his wet head and then kiss the mother of my child, the wife I’m so lucky to have and the warrior in our family.

  “I love you so much. You are so brave, baby, so, so brave.” I kiss her face while the nurse takes the baby from us and the doctor asks me to cut the umbilical cord.

  She hands me the scissors and I cut between the white plugs. The nurse takes him to the bed, where she weighs him, cleans him, puts a diaper on him, and then brings him back to us. “Here he is, a whopping ten pounds, two ounces.” She smiles as the doctor finishes with Kaleigh and pushes back.

  Lauren and Dede have given us time to ourselves by going to tell everyone about him.

  “Hey there, it’s me, your dad,” I tell him while he blinks at us, just looking. “This is your mom. She’s the best. She is going to make you try some crazy stuff with her food. Just go with it, okay? She is going to make us do things we don’t want to do, but we will do it only because we love her and want to see her smile. You probably fell in love with her the second you looked at her, didn’t you? I should know, it happened to me also. She was the one who finally tempted the playboy.” And with that, I kiss him and my wife and thank whatever lucky star out there that made me fall into her life.

  Epilogue

  One year later

  “Daddy’s home,” I say as I walk into our new house we just bought on the water. It has a huge amount of property and a barn in the back that Kaleigh has converted into a yoga studio.

  I look around and don’t see or hear anyone, so I walk through the house that now holds every single child’s toy known to mankind. My mother, even though she is a bitch, has taken a liking to her grandson. Some even say she likes him a lot. Sometimes she sends him packages twice in a day. I think it’s overboard and our relationship is still strained, but Kaleigh says as long as my mother gives him love she will hold her tongue.

  With curly blond hair and sky blue eyes, his chubby face is always smiling, except when his mother walks out of the room or you don’t give him meat fast enough. Walking over to the back door, I open it and see my boy walking with his hands in the air, trying to balance himself while Kaleigh runs after him. I watch the two of them with a big smile on my face. Love, it’s a great fucking feeling. “I’m going to get you,” she says while my son squeals with delight, his chubby legs going as fast as they can.

  “No, mama, no.”

  I make my way to them and they both don’t see me till I grab my wife around the waist, throwing her over my shoulder. The baby weight is long gone from her long and her frame is lean. Her bare tanned legs kick up a storm as she laughs.

  “Matteo, look, I’ve got mommy,” I tell him as he turns around and comes to us. He falls on his bum and then bends over to get up on his feet again, walking to me. “Dada, Dada, Dada.” He comes to me, pulling on my pants to pick him up. I drop Kaleigh while I bend down to grab him. Picking him up, he grabs my face while he comes to give me an open-mouth slobbering kiss. “Hey, handsome. Were you a good boy for mommy?” I ask him as he points to himself and says, “Boy”.

  I smile at him and look down at his mother. “Hey, you.” I lean down and kiss her lips, and it always gets me like it was our first time. I still get hard every single time I’m near her.

  “Jesus, do you two ever keep your hands off each other?” I hear from Austin who is coming into the backyard, followed by Rachel, Gabe, who I swear grew a foot in a month, and a waddling Lauren.

  “As long as she’s near me, my hands will be all over her.”

  “Yeah, remember when I slept over and you and Uncle Noah had a naked sleepover? That was gross,” Rachel says while Austin glares at us.

  “She’s exaggerating. I wasn’t naked; Kaleigh was covering all my parts,” I whisper. “I was hiding in her vagina.” I laugh while Austin groans. “What are you guys doing
here?” I ask them.

  “We came to get Matteo for a sleepover at our house,” Rachel says, putting her hands out for Matteo, who flies down to join his favorite cousin.

  “What, why?” I turn, looking at Kaleigh.

  “Well, I wanted to have adult time. Besides, it’s our dateaversary.” She wraps her hands around my waist.

  “Okay, I’ve got his bag already. Let’s go,” Lauren says. “It’s so hot outside that I’m sweating rivers.”

  I look at Austin. “If you think that is a lot of water, wait till it’s gushed when she gives birth.” I laugh as his face pales. “Remember when I came out into the waiting room after Matteo was born and showed you the video, you fainted.” I throw my head back, laughing at him turning pale and slumping in the chair.

  “Okay, give mama kisses.” Kaleigh picks up Matteo and kisses him on the mouth. “You be good for Auntie Lolo and Uncle Austin.”

  “Lolo,” Matteo mumbles while he reaches out to her.

  “There is my little boy. Auntie Lolo brought you a ball. You want the ball?”

  I watch as they carry my son out of the backyard while I look at my wife. “So what do you have planned for our dateaversary? By any chance are we naked during this thing?”

  “I’m sure we can work that out,” she says as she grabs my hand and walks into the house with me holding onto her hand. “I was thinking a massage. With oil.” She wiggles her eyes at me. “Some pizza in bed and,” she turns and whispers, “Netflix and chill.”

  I stop on the stairs and put my hand to my chest. “Jesus, I think I just fell more in love with you. What type of pizza?”

  “Meat lovers. Is there any other choice?” She smiles at me, turning to wrap her hands around my neck and kissing my lips. “Come on, playboy. Let me tempt you with some meat.” She throws her head back and laughs with her whole heart. And, in that moment, there is no place I would rather be than here in this spot.