Infinite Love (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’

  ‘It is, you looked like shit before you left.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I laughed. ‘How about you? Other than being lonely how are you doing?’

  ‘Ok,’ she nodded. ‘I’ve sorted all the paperwork in your office for you, kept on top of my coursework and I cooked.’

  ‘Never?’ I exclaimed. ‘What?’

  ‘I reheated a pizza in the microwave,’ she nodded proudly.

  ‘That’s hardly “cooking” Lexi,’ I giggled. ‘That’s up there with microwaving your popcorn for lack of effort.’

  ‘I could’ve eaten it cold.’

  ‘Why was there pizza left in the first place? That’s not like you.’

  ‘I was sort of depressed with you not being here, so I ordered two. That was the left over couple of slices of the second one,’ she shrugged.

  ‘O my God, I hate you sometimes,’ I laughed and shoved her shoulder. ‘You eat nearly two large pizzas and still look like that?’

  ‘Yeah, I can just eat and eat and I still don’t put on weight,’ she sighed.

  ‘O my heart bleeds for you,’ I pouted.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘No, I want to punch you in the face,’ I deadpanned.

  ‘Charming.’

  ‘Right, I need the loo, stay there.’

  ‘Well, I wasn’t coming in to watch, thanks.’

  ‘Never know with you, Lex.’ I peeled back the duvet and padded toward the dressing room door.

  ‘You could have warned me you were naked,’ she gasped.

  ‘You’ve seen it all before.’

  ‘Where are your tan lines?’

  ‘I have none,’ I grinned over my shoulder and disappeared. When I walked back into the bedroom Lexi averted her eyes and Gabe, sitting on the edge of the bed, raised his eyebrows and a hungry look crossed his face.

  ‘Where are your clothes, baby? We’re not on our private island now.’

  ‘No, we’re in my bedroom, where I was sleeping naked, as I always do, when someone pounced on me and woke me up. Where were you?’ I asked as I pursed my lips for a kiss before hopping back under the covers.

  ‘Went for a run with Doug and brought you this back?’ he held out a Starbucks bag and my eyes lit up. ‘Make the most of the caffeine and sugar, it’s back to the list once you have the implant.’

  ‘O God, the list,’ I groaned.

  ‘What are you whining at?’ Lexi laughed. ‘Listening to you complaining about not being able to eat or drink whatever you want is far worse than going without.’

  ‘I have a really good feeling about this,’ I advised Gabe as we sat in Dr. Walker’s office awaiting the results of my blood tests.

  ‘Me too,’ he grinned. ‘I’ve been house hunting again and I’ve found a nice barn conversion in the country, it’s only a half hour drive to work. We can go and see it next week.’

  ‘Ermmm, excuse me? In the country?’ I uttered as I looked at him.

  ‘Yes. Amazing views.’

  ‘O I’m sure when I have a screaming child and need to get to the shops to pick up nappies, rash cream or baby formula I’m really going to appreciate “the views” and the hours return journey to the shops.’

  ‘You don’t like the idea?’

  ‘No, of course I do,’ I replied with a fake smile and a pat of his thigh. ‘That tone of sarcasm you just heard in my voice was totally fake.’

  ‘You’re serious,’ he exclaimed.

  ‘About not living in the country, deadly,’ I nodded.

  ‘I want our kids to have loads of room to run around in,’ he frowned.

  ‘They don’t exactly pop out of the womb with Usain Bolt’s legs Gabe, it’ll be a few years before they’re running around anywhere.’

  ‘I want to be prepared.’

  ‘Jesus, were you in scouts as a child? There’s being prepared and being prepared. You’re way too ahead of yourself.’

  ‘So what do you suggest? We can’t live in the apartment and nice houses with grounds aren’t easy to come by in the city.’

  ‘We can live in the apartment for now. The baby would sleep in our room with us, or if it gets too noisy we shut it in the closet.’ I grimaced and offered an apologetic smile as a pregnant woman sat opposite me gave me a horrified look. ‘It’s a walk through dressing room, really large, not a small closet,’ I reassured her.

  ‘Thank God, I was about to call children’s services on you,’ she laughed. ‘First baby?’

  ‘We hope so,’ I smiled as I put my hand over my stomach.

  ‘Listen to your wife, dear,’ she nodded to Gabe. ‘No first time mother wants to be isolated. She’ll need her friends around her, walking distance to shops, the doctors and parks and a short distance to the nearest hospital. First time around you panic about everything and knowing you can rush your baby there in an instant is very comforting.’

  ‘See,’ I smirked at Gabe and he rolled his eyes.

  ‘Fine, I’ll look for something in the city for you. It won’t be cheap.’

  ‘I’ll put some money in too,’ I offered and was rewarded with a disapproving scowl. Gabe still had the old fashioned attitude of needing to “provide” for me.

  ‘Mr. and Mrs. Austin?’ Dr. Walker put her head out of the door.

  ‘Good luck,’ smiled our new friend.

  ‘Thank you, you too with the birth,’ I replied and Gabe put his hand in the small of my back and steered me into the room and shut the door. We sat down and I felt butterflies in my stomach and Gabe reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly.

  ‘Right, I have your test results back and I’m afraid it’s not good news,’ she advised as she gave me an apologetic look. My heart sank and I felt a lump in my throat. I’d been so sure, so convinced that we deserved some good luck in our lives that I was devastated to hear that I wasn’t pregnant again. I felt Gabe’s hand tighten around mine and I couldn’t look at him. I felt so ashamed that I was failing him.

  ‘Can you give us some indication of what’s going wrong?’ he asked. There was a discernable waver to his voice, probably unrecognisable to anyone but me, and my heart broke for him. I felt full of tears, but for some reason they weren’t coming. It didn’t seem appropriate in here.

  ‘None I’m afraid. This is one of the worst parts of my job, being unable to explain the why of it. Sometimes you just need a bit of luck on your side.’

  ‘But we’ve … we’ve done everything by the book,’ he objected. ‘Healthy eating, no alcohol or caffeine, I made her rest after the implants, I’ve not let her lift anything or exercise too much, we’ve abstained from sex … I … what more could I have done?’ he asked. Dr. Walker just gave him a gentle smile and shook her head.

  ‘Nothing Gabe, you couldn’t have done anything more, you’ve been amazing,’ I reassured him. ‘It’s me. Maybe my body just isn’t meant to deal with this.’

  ‘I don’t accept that,’ he said stubbornly.

  ‘Sometimes women can have … an inhospitable uterus,’ advised Dr. Walker with an apologetic smile. ‘We can try again, give it a couple of months and see how you feel and we can schedule another appointment,’ she suggested and looked at us both. Gabe said nothing, so I nodded.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said quietly.

  ‘You’re welcome and I’m sorry that we didn’t have a better result for you.’

  We walked to the car hand in hand in silence and Gabe helped me in. I pulled the seat belt on and automatically went to protect my stomach and sighed, knowing the worst was to come. IVF meant nothing was private, there was no hiding it from the ones closest to you, no keeping it quiet until those dreaded twelve weeks were up when people usually started making their happy announcements. We were going to have to tell Mum and Gerry, Georgie, Lexi, Cindy and Max, Robert and Sofia, Doug and Sarah and endure the awkward silences, or inappropriate “Never mind it will happen soon” comments. I’d come close to slapping Sarah when she’d said that to me the first time around. I w
rapped my arms around myself as we walked around to the front door and I headed up as Gabe checked the letterbox. I crept past Lexi’s door, not wanting her to hear me. I just wanted a bit of time to process it all before dealing with everyone else. I put my bag down on the console table behind the sofa and Gabe shut the front door.

  ‘Coffee?’ he asked. I gave him a half smile as I shook my head, he knew how much I missed it, the caffeine withdrawal headaches I got. ‘Chocolate?’

  ‘No thanks.’

  ‘A hug?’

  ‘I’m ok,’ I bit my lip and shook my head.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘I think I’d just like to go and have a lie down if that’s ok?’ I started walking to the bedroom.

  ‘Of course it is,’ he replied to my back. ‘Mia?’

  ‘Yes?’ I looked back over my shoulder and he hesitated.

  ‘Nothing, forget it,’ he frowned and went to the kitchen. I stripped off and climbed into bed and grabbed big boy and hugged him tightly. I felt really down about the whole thing. We’d been so excited going to our appointment this morning, I should have known better. I sighed as I heard Lexi’s voice.

  ‘So?’

  ‘No,’ Gabe replied. I figured they must be standing virtually outside of the bedroom door for me to hear them.

  ‘O God, I’m so sorry. How is she?’

  ‘Weird, she’s virtually said nothing and hasn’t cried. I offered her coffee and chocolate and she said no.’

  ‘Did you offer to talk about it?’

  ‘Of course I did, I’m not totally insensitive, thank you.’

  ‘Sorry, just trying to help. What about a hug?’

  ‘You want a hug?’

  ‘Not me you idiot, her.’

  ‘I’m sure she wouldn’t mind one from you.’

  ‘God, are you on stupid pills this morning? Have you given her a hug?’

  ‘I offered and she said no.’

  ‘Bloody men you’re so clueless. When a woman is upset and says no to a hug that means “Ignore me, I really want one.”’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Clearly Einstein. It’s like when you say “what would you like for your birthday?” and she says “nothing,” what she really means is “I want you to be a mind reader and surprise me with exactly what I wanted all along but was too shy to ask for.”’

  ‘Lexi, we don’t lie to each other, if she wanted a hug she’d have told me.’ He let out a big sigh and I screwed up my face as I listened.

  ‘Not telling you what she wants isn’t lying Gabe, it’s trying to be brave and putting on a front so you don’t worry about her. Get in there and hug it out and if she still needs more, because you’re some inept hugger, tell her she knows where to find me. I give great hugs.’

  ‘I give great hugs, thank you very much.’

  ‘Then stop wasting time out here with me and go and hug our girl please. I’ll be next door. Do you want me to let everyone know before they start calling and putting their foot in it?’

  ‘That would great. Thanks, Lex,’ he replied. I tensed up as the door opened and quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. ‘Nice try, but you’re not snoring.’

  ‘I don’t snore,’ I objected.

  ‘You do and it’s adorable. I’m coming to join you,’ he advised as I heard his zip go down and listened to him shuffle his jeans off and remove his shirt. I kept my eyes tightly shut as I felt the bed dip and suddenly big boy was pulled out of my arms.

  ‘Gabe,’ I sighed.

  ‘You don’t need him to comfort you, you need me, your husband. I’m upset too, Mia, maybe we can comfort each other?’ he asked softly. I nodded and felt his arms go around me and I burst into tears against his chest. ‘Sssshhhh, it’s going to be ok, we’ll have other times.’

  ‘I really thought it would happen,’ I sobbed.

  ‘I know, me too,’ he whispered as his lips skimmed my forehead.

  ‘I did something wrong, I know I did something wrong, I must’ve done something wrong.’

  ‘You heard Dr. Walker, we did everything right, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.’

  ‘I feel like I’m being punished,’ I whispered.

  ‘Punished? For what?’

  ‘I’ve had my quota of luck. I fell in love with you the first time and we’re … we’re so happy and I should’ve died that night Adam took me and I didn’t. Maybe this is the universe’s way of setting things right,’ I mumbled as I dragged the heel of my palm across my face.

  ‘I think if Lexi could hear you now she’d ask if you were taking stupid pills.’

  ‘Don’t make fun of me,’ I moaned.

  ‘I’m not making fun, I’m being serious. The world doesn’t work like that, Mia. We’ve just been unlucky that’s all. One day it will be our turn, we just have to keep trying.’

  ‘I guess,’ I sighed and ran a finger down his chest.

  ‘I’m so sorry, baby.’

  ‘Me too, I feel like I keep letting you down.’

  ‘Who says it’s not me letting you down?’

  ‘Please. You have Olympic worthy sperm, you’d be first draft in a sperm bank while I’ve got a challenged reproductive system and an “inhospitable” uterus. I don’t even feature in the embryos “Rough Guide” of places to stay in. I don’t even get a star rating that’s how unfriendly my welcome down there is. I may as well be a trash filled, maggot infested campsite that no one wants to stay in, or if they do they leg it after one night because the facilities don’t meet minimum standards.’

  ‘Well, I see you haven’t lost any of that sarcasm you had earlier about my move to the country suggestion,’ he chuckled.

  ‘I need to stay sarcastic or I’ll cry again.’

  ‘So cry, I’ve got you, let it all out baby, I’m not going anywhere,’ he whispered as he kissed me again and I let the tears start flowing again.

  Spring

  ‘You’re sure you trust me to do this?’ Gabe asked as he flicked the switch by the headboard and the hooks and carabineers appeared.

  ‘I’m sure,’ I nodded. We’d been trying me with leather handcuffs for a few weeks, starting off with me just touching them, holding them, closing them around one wrist and removing immediately, to wearing them around the house on one wrist, before moving to both. He wanted to use these sexually before moving onto the metal ones, if anything was going to trigger a bad response, it would be the metal against my skin. I knew I was ready and felt my breathing quicken as he deposited the cuffs on the bed next to me. We’d not played with toys for ages and I was looking forward to it.

  ‘Eye’s closed, Mia,’ he warned and I begrudgingly shut them. I felt him climb onto the bed, straddle my waist and felt his chest brush mine as he leaned forward and nibbled my ear. I could feel myself getting hotter. ‘You’re breathing fast. Keep your eyes closed and lift your head.’ I felt him slip something over my head and down to my neck, as it tightened around me, I tensed up. He must’ve picked up on it and ran his finger over my lips. ‘Don’t worry, baby. You know what to say if you want me to stop at any time.’ His hands ran under my head, lifted it up and I felt him fan my hair out and his fingers pulled the item from my neck and move it up to cover my eyes. I let out a small sigh, it was only an eye mask. ‘I don’t want you to see what I’m doing, it should make it more enjoyable.’

  ‘Ok,’ I sighed. My lips parted as my breathing got heavier and I moaned as he kissed them and lifted one of my hands. I felt a flurry of excitement inside me as I felt the soft leather encircle my wrist, it tightened as he did up the buckle before he lay my hand down on the pillow above my head.

  ‘Ok?’ he asked. I nodded vigorously and felt him shift his weight and heard the noise of the chain above me being hooked to one of the carabineers before he lifted my other wrist and secured it above my head next to the other. I clenched my thighs together tightly to try and relieve some of the sexual tension building up inside me. ‘Baby, what are you doing?’
/>   ‘I’m so horny, touch me, please.’

  ‘Not yet, I’m going to make you wetter than you’ve ever been for me, Mia Austin.’ His voice touched every section of my skin, my hairs standing to attention. He sounded smooth as molten chocolate and thick like treacle. ‘Spread your legs for me baby, I know how far you can push them.’ I complied to a level I knew he could work within and he moved to place himself between them. I was so desperate for him to touch me with his fingers, lips or tongue, that I felt ready to pass out. I was surprised when he gripped my right ankle and lifted it up. I felt his teeth nip on the pads of my toes making them curl and I tensed up in anticipation of him tickling me. ‘Keep your leg up like that when I release it,’ he ordered. I felt his hand let go and bit my lip as I held my leg in the air. I felt his hands return and something soft and silky that suddenly tightened and I gasped. It was the bondage rope, we’d not used that in … forever. I groaned as I felt myself getting wetter. ‘Too tight?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Are you getting wet?’

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded.

  ‘Excellent.’ He repeated the process with my left ankle and then climbed off the bed and suddenly tugged on both ankles and pulled me down the bed so my arms were at full stretch against the cuffs. I felt his hand under my head, lifting and then dropping me back onto a repositioned pillow. He pulled each ankle and I felt him restrain me to the hooks at the bottom of the bed, my legs were stretched so far apart and I couldn’t move.

  ‘O, fuck,’ I groaned.

  ‘Hmmm, dirty girl’s back, I like her. Do you have any idea how delicious you look right now, Mia?’ he asked. I felt him climb over me and push his pelvis into mine and grind, and I tried to lift my hips to follow his move and realised I couldn’t, there was no give anywhere. He leaned down and gently bit the top of my breast.

  ‘Gabe, I want you. God, I want you,’ I moaned breathlessly.

  ‘And I want you, baby, but not yet.’ I felt him climb off the bed and heard him sigh. ‘We’re going to have to do this more often if you’re this responsive. My cock’s hard as stone.’ I heard the bedroom door open and close and was left in silence with nothing but my breathing and the tick tock of my shabby chic clock on the wall next to the TV. I strained to hear where he’d gone and what he was doing, but heard nothing. I felt like I’d lain there for half an hour when I heard him come back in.