Infinite Love (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘He told me that he was falling in love with me,’ I whispered, feeling so ashamed.

  ‘I can see that. Why wouldn’t he? I love you, Mia. I never stopped, not for a second. You know, I always thought that if I found out that you’d slept with another man it would stop me loving you, instantly. I found out that it didn’t. It made me realise how badly I’d let you down to drive you to do something like that, because I knew how much you loved me once too. I was disgusted with myself that I’d turned into the kind of man that would make his wife turn away from him so quickly. You have no idea how relieved I was this morning when Lexi told me that it wasn’t true.’

  ‘You really don’t hate me?’ I exclaimed.

  ‘Never,’ he smiled, as he reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear. ‘Every time I left you a message I told you that I loved you and that I was sorry. I even begged you to forgive me while I cried during some of them. You just never heard any of them.’

  ‘I was so devastated that I hadn’t heard from you those first two weeks. Then seeing her with you when I thought you were still in New York, then finding her in our apartment the next morning… That was just horrendous, I’d never hurt so much. She convinced me that you were together and that you hated me because I couldn’t give you a child.’

  ‘Why didn’t you say something when I turned up at your mum’s on Friday?’ he sighed. ‘Or even given me one of your famous slaps?’ He raised his eyebrows as he smiled at me. I giggled as I wiped some stray tears from my face.

  ‘I was so upset, Gabe. I couldn’t bear hearing you say the actual words to me that you’d moved on, that you were with her. I hated her so much, the thought of the two of you together was just … I never wanted to hear the actual words come from your mouth, that would have been too painful.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Mia. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t pushed so hard about making you try the IVF again, we’d never have gone through all of this.’

  ‘Well, we did and here we are. We both made horrible mistakes, Gabe. I’m just not sure where that leaves us. What does this all mean?’

  ‘Well, I know it’s been a month, but I’m pretty sure that we can agree that we’re still married and that both of us still love each other, can’t we?’ He ran a hand through his hair as he chewed on his bottom lip nervously.

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered with a nod.

  ‘Well, I’d say that’s a pretty good start. You’ve apologised for Tyler and trying to push me away. Now I need to apologise for why it took me so long to realise how misguided I was with wanting you to carry a pregnancy to full term yourself.’

  ‘Your mum?’ I said quietly.

  ‘Yes,’ he replied with a wry smile. ‘All I can do is ask you to trust that I’ve resolved that issue. Dad and Sofia convinced me that I was being irrational over it, that it wouldn’t make me feel better about Mum. So I started having daily telephone sessions with Dr. Jarvis and he made me realise why it had been so important to me, and how it would never change anything. I’ve finally been able to let go of the guilt and realised that I was trying to use you to make myself feel better and you have no idea how sick that makes me feel.’

  ‘You promise? Because this was our original breaking point, Gabe.’

  ‘I promise, Mia. You’re more important to me than anything in my life and I won’t risk losing you again. I’ve never lied to you and I never will. Do you believe that?’

  ‘I do,’ I said sincerely.

  ‘Ok then. Much as I’d love to just ask you to move back in and for us to pick up as if this all never happened, I don’t think we can. I think we need to make sure we discuss any remaining resentments over the build up to our separation and our month apart. We can do that on our own, or with the help of Dr. Jarvis. Do you agree?’

  ‘Yes, but I think we can do it on our own, Gabe.’

  ‘Ok, so I was thinking that we could just start by going on a date and talking. Take it slowly and discuss the future when we feel ready. How does that sound?’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I nodded.

  ‘How about I pick you up tomorrow? We could drive out to the county, have a walk and do Sunday lunch?’

  ‘That sounds good. When do you have to be back in New York?’ I dreaded the answer. I wasn’t sure if I could take him leaving again, not when we were so close to working all of this out.

  ‘Tomorrow night, sorry. I’m needed there for at least a few weeks more, but I can come home for weekends to see you. Then I can start working from Westhampton. I’ve already passed the board’s approval with some of the changes that I’ve implemented. So the only time I’d be required in New York after this last stint would be for board meetings and events hosted by the firm.’

  ‘You’ve done so well, Gabe. I’m so proud of you.’ I wanted to reach out and squeeze his hand, but wasn’t sure if I should.

  ‘Thank you, I’m really proud of you too. I hear that Greyson’s has increased profits beyond projections, without my help. You did that, Mia. We have so much to talk about, so much to catch up on, but right now you look completely exhausted. I’ll leave you to sleep and I’ll call for you tomorrow at about eleven?’

  ‘I’d really like that,’ I nodded. I still felt in shock. Less than six or seven hours ago, I thought that I’d left my life with him behind, and now we were making dates?

  ‘There’s just one thing I’d really like you to do before I go.’ He bit his lip as he looked at me.

  ‘Don’t tell me that you haven’t masturbated in four weeks?’ I teased.

  ‘No,’ he laughed. I broke into a huge smile. Hearing his laugh was like feeling him hug me. I’d missed it so much. ‘I have, many times, always to you. That wasn’t what I was suggesting, I think I’d like to just date again and wait until we both feel ready before we even think about sex.’

  ‘You want to woo me? Like you would have done, if I hadn’t had my stupid sex no strings rule three years ago?’

  ‘Yes,’ he smiled. ‘It will be like starting all over again, but without the worry of whether we’ll like each other or what the sex will be like.’ I felt myself blush at the thought of it.

  ‘Starting again,’ I nodded. ‘I like that. So what do you want me to do now?’

  ‘I know we have a lot of work to do, but I’d really like you to put these back on,’ he advised as he fished my rings out of his pocket. I looked up at him quickly.

  ‘I promise that I only took them off last night, I was so angry with you.’

  ‘I know,’ he confirmed. ‘So will you wear them again, as a sign that we’re working on things?’

  ‘No,’ I replied, shaking my head and saw his face fall. ‘I’ll wear them because we’re still husband and wife, regardless of how slowly we’re taking things.’ I smiled as he picked up my hand and kissed it and slowly slid each ring back on, one by one.

  ‘Thank you,’ he whispered, the gratitude in his voice was obvious. ‘I’d better go and let you sleep.’ He ran his hand down the side of my head, softly stroking my hair. I lifted my shoulders as I tilted my head, bit my lip and gave him a shy smile. He quickly stood up and ran his hand through his own hair.

  ‘Gabe?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Will you do something for me?’

  ‘Build you a new dressing room for all of these?’ he asked as he shook his head taking in the shoe and handbag mountains on the floor. I didn’t have enough wardrobe space in here for everything I’d purchased in my slump.

  ‘Well yeah, that may be an issue further down the line. I was really depressed. So I shopped, a lot.’

  ‘So what can I do for you?’

  ‘Would you mind … would you … would you come and hold me while I go to sleep?’ I asked nervously. To have him so close again, to know that he hadn’t given up on me, I couldn’t bear the thought of him walking away now without any form of intimacy to reinforce our bond.

  ‘You’re sure?’ he asked as a wide smile played across his face.

  ‘I’m sure, bu
t no funny business, I’m really tired.’

  ‘No funny business,’ he nodded as he kicked off his converse trainers and lifted his sweatshirt. His t-shirt rose up and gave me a glimpse of that beautifully toned stomach. I bit my lip as I watched him. I’d forgotten how broad his shoulders and chest were, how strong his biceps were and the solidness of his thighs. My mind and body automatically retuned to my favourite pre-set channel of Gabe FM. All the feelings of love and desire came pouring back in as I watched my husband in front of me. My faithful husband. He smiled at me as caught me looking at his stomach and tugged his t-shirt back down. ‘Lustful eyes, Mia,’ he whispered.

  ‘You too,’ I retorted as I recognised the look in his, along with surge in his jeans.

  ‘Sleep only.’

  ‘Sleep only,’ I agreed as he lay down. We rolled onto our sides to look at each other and I was sure the happy smile on his face mirrored mine. He reached out and traced the edges of my lips with his finger.

  ‘I really missed you, Mia Austin,’ he murmured as his eyes filled with tears.

  ‘I missed you too, so much,’ I replied as mine did the same. This time they were tears of happiness.

  ‘Let’s start slowly, no cuddling, let’s just hold hands,’ he advised as he placed his right one on the pillow next to my face, palm side up. I nodded and reached up with my right hand, and felt a jolt run through my body as our skin touched, and he automatically weaved his fingers in mine and clasped tightly. We just lay holding hands and smiling at each other until he started dimming out of focus, and my eyelids eventually won the battle. ‘Sweet dreams, baby,’ he whispered. ‘You’ve been in mine since the day I first saw you.’

  As I sat impatiently, and nervously, waiting for my Sunday date with Gabe, I went onto the internet and selected two expensive blue shirts. I arranged to have them gift wrapped and delivered with a card, and took my time composing the message.

  Tyler. For the carrot cake and coffee stains and for the rip after the fight. I owe you so many more for being such a good friend to me, but I really hope that another girl gets to ruin one of these for you and that you both get to have your happy ever after. You truly deserve it. From The Ice Queen. In alternate universe, you’d definitely have thawed her. With deepest gratitude. Mia x

  I pressed send and turned off my iPad with a smile, hoping it would go some way to letting him know just how appreciative I was of the support and friendship that he’d given me. I checked my appearance in the mirror. I’d spent way too long getting ready, changing time and time again. I felt so nervous. I’d gone with a pair of black skinny jeans, brown riding boots, a white fitted shirt which I’d left loose over the top, a small brown belt over it to accentuate my waist and a black blazer.

  ‘You’ve changed, again?’ exclaimed Lexi as she brought me a coffee and plonked herself on my bed.

  ‘I know,’ I groaned. ‘How do I look?’

  ‘As good as the first six outfits you tried on.’

  ‘I’m so nervous,’ I muttered as I adjusted my belt again and checked the mirror.

  ‘I don’t get why. I mean, it’s not like you have to go through the list, you already know all the answers,’ she shrugged.

  ‘The list?’ I turned to look at her.

  ‘Yeah, you know, the list. The one women have that any date has to live up to without even knowing. Handsome, charming, attentive, funny, nice smile, big cock, loads of money, great in bed, blah, blah, blah. And Gabe’s a tick, tick, tick, tick … I’ve lost count of how many ticks he met there, but it’s loads of ticks, he’s got ticks in all categories. Plus, you’re already married and have been hot, sweaty and seriously dirty with each other. What’s the deal?’

  ‘It’s been a month, Lexi. We have a whole month of “stuff” to catch up on. We each have our own careers, him on another continent for now, and everything moving forward is going to be so different. It’s not like we’re just slotting back into our old lives, we’re talking about new ones. And he hasn’t even mentioned my hair.’

  ‘Worried he’ll punish you?’ she chuckled.

  ‘Come on, you know what he was like, he freaked over an inch or two last time. This is … this,’ I exclaimed as I tugged it, in a futile attempt to try and make it look longer.

  ‘I don’t think he cares, Mia. I think right now he’s just happy that the two of you are going to give this another go. You could be bald and he’d still want you.’

  ‘You’re right,’ I nodded and blew out a deep breath. ‘O God, he’ll be here in a minute.’

  ‘No he won’t. It’s still only nine a.m. numpty,’ she laughed. ‘Someone was way too eager to get ready this morning.’

  ‘Noooo,’ I groaned. ‘Two more hours? Seriously?’

  ‘Yep,’ she nodded. ‘Come and sit down and drink your coffee, you seriously need to chill.’

  ‘Talk to me, distract me,’ I begged as I hopped up onto the bed.

  ‘Well, you’ll be pleased to know that Doug and I have reached an understanding.’

  ‘Seriously?’ I exclaimed.

  ‘While you and Gabe were chatting in here, he apologised for the way he treated me. He told me that he really had wanted to try again with me, it wasn’t just a bluff, but the minute he left to go and tell Sarah, he got cold feet. I mean, he knows I’m a flake. I never bloody stick at anything.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ I objected as I reached over and squeezed her hand.

  ‘Thanks for saying that, but it kind of is,’ she shrugged. ‘Anyway, water, bridges and all that. He’s always going to have a piece of my heart, but it’s not meant to be and I’ve accepted that now. We’ve agreed to make an effort again, especially now you and Gabe are trying to work things out.’

  ‘Are you ok with that? Won’t that be harder than ignoring each other?’ I frowned.

  ‘Won’t know until we try, I just know that I hate this ignoring of each other and that you’re distant with him out of some obligation to me. I mean he’s Gabe’s best friend, you need to be able to forgive him and move on too.’

  ‘If you have, I will,’ I smiled.

  ‘I’m so lucky to have you,’ she sighed.

  ‘I’m the lucky one. I still have a marriage thanks to you.’

  ‘Yeah, well we both got swept up in our anger at his distance and then seeing her, we reacted strongly. Neither of us really took the time to step back and realise that he could never have crossed that line while he was still with you, just like you couldn’t with Tyler. You knew the minute that you kissed him that it was wrong, that you still loved Gabe, in spite of everything.’

  ‘I know,’ I sighed with a nod. We lay on the bed chatting and I got a text on my iPhone, which I’d returned to, and smiled to see it was Gabe.

  So how sad am I? I’m so excited and nervous that I’ve been ready since six o’clock and I’m pacing the lounge!

  I’m ready too! So glad I’m not the only excited and nervous one!

  So shall we start early?

  I’d like that :-)

  ‘Is it him?’ Lexi asked as she tried to read my screen.

  ‘Yes, he’s ready too. Do you mind if I go early?’

  ‘God, you’re so stupid sometimes,’ she laughed with a finger flick on my forehead. ‘Just promise that you’re both going to make it work this time. I can’t take all this heartache and drama.’

  ‘You and me both! I promise,’ I smiled and giggled as the door knocked.

  ‘He is keen. Go, get gone.’

  ‘Love you, Lex,’ I replied as I kissed her forehead and leapt off the bed.

  ‘You too. Have a great time,’ she called as I rushed to the door. I took a deep breath and straightened my shirt and smoothed my hair down before opening it.

  ‘Hi,’ he murmured with flushed cheeks and a wide smile.

  ‘Hi,’ I giggled.

  ‘You look lovely.’

  ‘You too,’ I replied as I drank him in. He was wearing his dark navy jeans and his white shirt, tucked in, with a white belt and
had a navy jumper slung over his arm.

  ‘I got you these.’ He produced a red and white rose from behind his back and I swallowed and blinked back some tears.

  ‘Unity,’ I whispered.

  ‘You remember,’ he smiled with a nod.

  ‘Thank you, they’re beautiful and really thoughtful. I’ll put them in water and I’m good to go.’ I smiled and took them from him, a shiver running down my spine as our fingers brushed. I put them in a glass of water and gave them as sniff as I grinned, then quickly went to join him, closing the door behind me.

  ‘Good to go?’

  ‘I am,’ I nodded, nervously tucking my hair behind my ear. We headed down the stairs in silence, occasionally looking at each other and smiling. This felt so surreal. I discretely pinched myself to make sure that I was awake. We walked around to the car park and I noticed my VW was covered in a thick film of dust.

  ‘I’ll arrange for Doug to take it to get professionally cleaned tomorrow. How have you been getting to work?’

  ‘Taxi’s.’

  ‘Still as stubborn as ever,’ he smiled as he opened the door to his new white Audi for me.

  ‘She’s beautiful, Gabe,’ I nodded as I ran my hand over the sleek roof.

  ‘He’s handsome,’ he retorted with a wink that made my insides flip flop.

  ‘You got rid of your old Audi?’

  ‘I got a very generous signing bonus,’ he replied with a shrug.

  ‘I’ll say,’ I exclaimed as I settled into the comfortable leather seat and he closed the door for me. He pulled out of the car park and the engine purred, with a level of power I’d not heard in a car before, as he opened up the throttle and cruised out toward the outskirts of the city.

  ‘So,’ we exclaimed at the same time, then laughed.

  ‘You first,’ he smiled.

  ‘Other than, you know … us, how have you been?’

  ‘I kept myself busy. I had a steep learning curve at work, I worked hard in the day and into the early evenings. Then I went home and did a lot of thinking and my nightly calls with Dr. Jarvis. Dad and Sofia kept checking on me and inviting me around for dinner.’