by Daniel Hurst
Alive.
That is why I am out of the house now. I need to avoid her while she is around so that I stop having those thoughts and feelings. Give it a few weeks and she will be gone, and then I can go back to normal because normal for me does not involve running up a damn hill on a cold Tuesday night.
The only problem is that her lessons with Michael last for two hours and I can’t realistically keep running for that amount of time. Even in my fittest days, which were a long time ago, I could never have hoped to keep jogging for that long. That means I am going to have to go home while she is still there. It shouldn’t be a problem if she is in the kitchen. I can just go through the front door and straight upstairs. I missed her arriving at the house, and I will stay up there so that I miss her leaving.
Easy.
I feel a slight pang of regret that I won’t get to see her today, but it’s that feeling which tells me how important it is that I stick to my plan. I used to have those feelings when I would drive into the office and see Tina and look where that got me. That’s why I need to nip it in the bud now before it gets out of hand again.
I keep running but suddenly burst out laughing as I go. That’s because it has just occurred to me that all of this is completely ridiculous. Just because I find Petra attractive it doesn’t mean that she thinks the same way about me. So what if I see her? So what if we talk again? How could it lead anywhere if she has no interest in me?
But thinking like that makes me feel a little deflated. It’s like a reminder of the fact that I am middle-aged now and not as handsome as I once was. I’m no gargoyle by any means, but my hair is thinner, and the weight has accumulated around my waist much more than it used to. I’m sure Petra would have fancied me when I was her age but now? Probably not.
But then I think about how she complimented me on the driveway. How she flicked her hair and smiled at me. How she touched my arm. I might be getting older, but I still know what body language to look out for. She wouldn’t have touched me if she didn’t like me.
She reduced the distance between us because she wanted to.
I suddenly find that I am running faster now, and I know exactly why that is. It’s because of the energy that comes with the thought of thinking that a woman like Petra might actually be interested in a guy like me. Considering I spend all day stuck on my own in a study in a plain house in the suburbs of a small town, such a thing as that is extremely exciting.
Would I be this thrilled if I got out more? Probably not.
Forcing myself to slow down a little, I make myself remember why it is that I now spend so much time at home. I don’t work in an office anymore because I made a mistake. This is the best way to ensure that that mistake never happens again. And there was no chance of it ever happening again.
Not until we invited her into our home.
This is my fault. I suggested Petra to Amy. I was the one who printed her profile off the internet. I was shocked when my wife agreed to try her but pleased at the same time. But I was naïve. I honestly thought that we could have a beautiful woman come into our home and it wouldn’t make things difficult. But I was wrong. If I’m feeling like this, then I wonder if Amy is feeling like it too. I saw her looking out of the window at the two of us the other night. And she has been asking questions about Petra when we are together in bed. I guess she is aware that there is a risk to our happy marriage again.
I feel bad for Michael and his studies, but I know what I have to do. I’m going to tell Amy to let her go. If she asks why, then I will have to tell her the truth and say that I am attracted to her. I expect she would appreciate my honesty. I can’t keep up with these stupid runs every time she comes around. I’ll end up giving myself a hernia at best or a heart attack at worst. We can find Michael another tutor. Sue can do the job. I know my son won’t like it, but he’ll understand one day.
He’ll understand when he is married.
He’ll understand that people make mistakes and they have to do everything they can to avoid making them again.
30
MICHAEL
This is bullshit. As if having to get up early and go to school all day wasn’t bad enough, my parents have just told me that tonight’s lesson with Petra is going to be my last. They want to change my tutor.
They want Sue to teach me instead.
I asked them why but they didn’t give me an answer that made any sense, just some rubbish about how they didn’t think she was the right person for the job after all and they wanted somebody with more experience. But that explanation is crazy. I get on well with Petra, and she has taught me things since I have been working with her. Okay, so maybe she could have taught me a lot more, but I like the fact that she likes to ask personal questions before we start with the work. I bet Sue wouldn’t do that. I bet it would be straight down to studying with her, which is why I would be bored and end up taking none of it in.
Mum and Dad just don’t get it. I don’t just struggle to learn things because I’m slow. I struggle because I have no connection with the person teaching me them. But I have that connection with Petra. I like her. She’s funny, she’s polite, and she’s the first teacher I’ve had that I feel I can relate to in some way. I’m sick of crusty old lecturers barking orders at me and expecting me to engage with them. I need somebody younger and cooler, and I had that.
But now it is over.
Mum and Dad have said they want tonight’s session to go ahead as normal, but then they will let Petra know that her services are no longer required when it is over. They have told me not to say anything to her so that her performance isn’t affected, but I bet it’s just because they don’t want things to be awkward. I’m wondering why they haven’t just let her go already, but I’m guessing it is because Sue isn’t available to start until next week and they don’t want to waste a session when my exams are looming on the horizon. But how do they expect me to concentrate now? I feel like telling Petra myself when we are alone, and then they will be sorry. It will be embarrassing for them to have to explain that they were using her for one more lesson while they are waiting for the next tutor to become free.
I’m sitting in my bedroom, but I’m so mad that I can’t even be bothered to turn on the PlayStation. I’m not going to see Petra again after tonight.
Ever.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. So what if it’s just a stupid crush? I can’t help it. I like her. And so what if Mum and Dad know about it. I’m pretty sure they do know based on how I reacted when they gave me the news half an hour ago. I tried to pretend that I was angry because I enjoy the sessions, but they surely saw through it. They know that I’m mad because I like Petra and don’t want to stop seeing her. But I’m not embarrassed. Why should I be? And does it really matter if I fancy my tutor? Why should my parents care as long as I am studying?
As if this wasn’t bad enough, I’m going to have to tell my friends that Petra has been replaced by Sue. They are going to find that absolutely hilarious. They won’t be jealous of me anymore then. They’ll make fun of me and why wouldn’t they? I would do it if it happened to one of them.
There has to be more to this. I can’t believe that they would decide to change my tutor for no good reason. I don’t believe all that nonsense about her not being experienced enough. She reads me questions out of a textbook, and I try and answer them. How experienced does she need to be? I rack my brains for another explanation as to why they seem so keen to get her out, but I can’t come up with anything. But I do know one thing.
This was Mum’s idea.
She did most of the talking when they told me downstairs, which means that she must be the one pushing for this. Dad didn’t say much, not that he ever does when it comes to talking about something other than I.T. or football, but he seemed in agreement. Petra has to go.
Maybe something has happened? Maybe Petra said or did something to upset them? But I don’t see how that is possible. She literally walks through the front door, sits
with me for two hours and then leaves. There’s no way she could have offended them or upset them in any way.
What if Mum and Dad were listening in on our lessons? I try to figure out if that was possible. Maybe that would explain it. Perhaps they heard Petra asking questions about them.
Oh god, is that it? I told Petra that Mum and Dad had sex last week.
That must be it!
This is my fault!
I shake my head and blame myself for talking my way out of a good situation. I could have spent four hours a week with Petra for the next several weeks until my exams. Who knows what could have happened between us during that time? We would have got to know each other better. I might have been able to make her like me.
I might have even got her to kiss me.
But now those dreams are gone.
As if Mum and Dad were eavesdropping on our private conversations. That is so unfair. I hate living here. I shouldn’t have to put up with this.
Then again, maybe I don’t have to. I’m not a child anymore. I’m sixteen, which means that I’m an adult. I should be able to see who I want when I want. If it can’t be under this roof then so be it. It will have to be under someone else’s. What if I continue my lessons with Petra elsewhere? Mum and Dad won’t be able to say no to that. They won’t even have to know about it. I guess the only obstacle is payment. I need to find out how much Petra charges and see if I can get the money myself. It will be worth it to spend more time with her. It will be worth it to keep making my friends jealous.
And it will be worth it if I eventually get that kiss.
THE SEVENTH LESSON
The exams took place in an unfamiliar hall, but that was all that was different about them. The questions on the pages were still the same, as was the amount of time given to answer them and the significance of the results when they were finally collected and marked. The burning down of the school had meant that pupils of Sharpbell High had been forced to take their exams later than the pupils in the rest of the country. Arrangements had needed to be made with the neighbouring school to accommodate them and give the displaced pupils the best chance at finishing their school careers without distraction. The sports hall at Maxwell High was the setting for the GCSE exams that summer, and while the surroundings had changed, everything else was the same.
The students sat in rows, their pens moving across the white papers that had been opened out on to wooden desks. Those desks were covered in the inky graffiti from all the students who had sat there before them.
Some of the messages on the desks offered hope and encouragement.
‘Just one more exam and then I’ll be free.’
‘No more school. Yessss!
‘Screw this place. I’m out of here!’
Other messages were more negative.
‘I have no idea what I am doing.’
‘Oh my god I’m going to fail.’
‘HELLLPPPP MEEEEE!’
And some messages were just plain obscene.
The thing that bonded them all together was that they had been written by people going through a shared experience. It was the experience of taking an exam that could go on to have a big impact on the rest of their lives.
Everybody who should have been there that day was in their seats and answering the questions except for one. That missing student was sitting at home in her bedroom counting down the days until she was due to appear in court charged with crimes of manslaughter and arson.
The girl who had caused the fire was absent from the sports hall that day, which was unfair. It was unfair because she was innocent.
The people who had really caused that fire sat in that hall and answered the questions on the papers while looking forward to an exciting life beyond the confines of school.
The seventh lesson is that life isn’t fair.
31
AMY
I feel better now that I have made the decision. Petra will finish her lesson with Michael tonight, and then I will pay her, thank her and tell her that we will, unfortunately, have to bring the lessons to an end. I’m going to try and keep my reasoning as vague as possible, but if she pushes me for answers, which she is entitled to do, then I will say that there has been a problem with my job and we need to save money. That means we are unable to keep paying her and she isn’t going to work for free so she will accept it and be on her way. At least that is how I see it going in my mind. In reality, it will probably be much more awkward than that.
Michael wasn’t happy about it although I didn’t expect him to be. But it’s not up to him. I am doing what is best for this family. The fact that Nick agreed with me tells me that this is the best thing for us all.
It would be nice to be able to trust my husband around a pretty woman, but I can’t help the way that I feel. The scars from that betrayal a decade ago are still there, and they cut me deep. I should never have chosen a tutor like Petra because it has brought all those old feelings back to the surface.
The jealousy. The bitterness. The constant comparing myself to another female. I know nothing has happened between them but witnessing that brief conversation on the driveway was enough to tell me that I’m still feeling delicate about seeing Nick with a woman. With Petra out of the way then I can bury those feelings away again and hopefully they will stay there for at least another decade.
It’s not unhealthy but screw it.
I know it is sad that I feel this way. I shouldn’t go into a blind panic just from seeing another woman smile at my husband or because I have found a profile page open on his laptop. But I wasn’t always this way. If that thing had never happened with Tina, then I would have just been a normal wife. As it is, I always feel like I have to be on my guard.
It’s not that Nick is a bad husband. He isn’t. Apart from that one brief and regrettable mistake, he has been nothing but kind, loving and compassionate. He is also a great father to Michael and Bella. I didn’t want to throw away a lifetime of love and memories over one stupid mistake, and I’m glad that I didn’t. But staying together has meant that things can never be as simple and innocent as they were back before he did what he did.
I feel bad that Michael has to suffer for this. If I genuinely believed that there was no other way of him getting the help he needs for his exams, then I would have had to put up with Petra being here for a little while longer. But I’m convinced that Sue can do just as good a job as the Swedish woman, if not better. The older woman certainly has more experience so that can’t hurt. The difficulty now will be getting Michael to give her a chance, but I might have a way around that. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner. It was actually Nick’s idea, but I’m going to take some of the credit for it too. After tonight’s lesson and after Petra has left, my husband and I will tell Michael that if he knuckles down and works hard with his new tutor, then we will pay for him and Nev to attend the big E-sports Festival in London at the end of the year. Apparently, it is the hottest ticket in town for fans of video games and all the new releases are expected to be unveiled as well as a whole host of other things that mean nothing to me but will presumably excite my son beyond belief. Tickets aren’t cheap, but they will be his reward if he gives these next few weeks his all and does his best in his exams.
That is all we ask of him as parents.
I’m sure he will see it that way too.
The only thing left to do now is to break the news to Petra. I feel bad because she seems to be a genuinely nice woman and Michael tells me her lessons are great. But I have to put my mental health first. I will feel better when she is gone because I won’t be that crazy woman again who has to check up on my husband to make sure that he isn’t doing something that he shouldn’t be. She would probably be mortified if she knew the truth that I am worried about something happening between her and Nick. I’m sure she thinks he is too old for her and probably doesn’t look at him in that way at all. But it’s not her that I’m worried about.
It’s him.
I have to trust my gut on this one. I pride myself on always doing what I feel is best for my family, and this feels like this is the best thing to do.
Only time will tell if I am right.
32
PETRA
Something is troubling Michael. I can sense it. I haven’t been teaching him for long, but I have spent enough time with him to notice when he is behaving a little differently with me, and he is definitely doing that now. He has been much quieter for a start. He also seems even more nervous than he usually is. I always put this down to him being uncomfortable because he was trying to impress me, but there is clearly something else going on now, and I’d like to get to the bottom of it before our lesson continues.
‘Is everything alright?’ I ask him, interrupting his train of thought as he sits in front of me and tries to work out the answer to the Maths question that I just asked him.
I expect him to lie and say yes, which will make me need to probe a little further. But I’m surprised when he answers me honestly.
‘No, not really,’ he replies, putting his pen down and looking up at me.
‘What is it?’ I ask, hoping that it’s nothing to do with my teaching skills.
‘Mum and Dad want me to have a different tutor.’
What? That was the last thing that I was expecting to hear.
‘Really? Why?’
‘I don’t know. They said something about wanting somebody with more experience.’
‘I have plenty of experience,’ I say, slightly offended that I have to defend my credentials.
‘I know you do. And I think you’re great. But they said they have made up their mind.’
I bite my tongue as I think this through. There must be more to it than this. The experience thing is a ridiculous reason, and I’m sure Michael knows it as well as I do.
‘Why haven’t they said anything to me?’ I ask him, thinking back to how welcoming Amy was when I arrived at the house this evening.