Bitter is the New Black : Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

by Jen Lancaster

  198She is on the mend and can go twelve hours without her pain meds, thus proving that she’s far tougher than I will ever be. Case in point, Fletch once had to confiscate the pills I got when I injured my back. Apparently when he heard me singing the “I-Like-O-Din Vicodin” song, he determined that my usage had become more recreational than medicinal.

  199As soon as the youngest one turns ten, I’m teaching them all to smoke and swear.

  200Mom.

  201Dad.

  202Todd.

  203Vanilla Ice WAS groundbreaking—so there.

  204I use the term help very loosely.

  205Whoever said, “Children need choices,” deserves a swift kick in the ass.

  206Yeah, sure. Who leaves the country for a whole month? He probably got some cheesy reality show gig.

  207You’d be surprised at the amount of lease law a gal can learn when researching loopholes in eviction proceedings.

  208 Dear God, I can only hope the ring bearer stayed out of our way.

  209Yes, I was the only person dancing.

  210$40×26 times a year = Merry Christmas!

  211Canada can keep Bryan Adams.

  212I think it’s obvious at this point that I haven’t learned a damn thing.

  Table of Contents

  Author’s Note

  Prologue

  Part One: Icarus

  1. Flying Too Close to the Sun

  2. The What Street Journal?

  3. Crash and Burn

  4. Shaken, Not Stirred

  5. The Lobby for a Hobby

  6. Who Says Romance Is Dead?

  Part Two: Pandora

  7. Opening the Box

  8. Temporary Insanity

  9. Cannibal Birds

  10. Randolph Street Starbucks

  11. Evict This , Motherf*cker

  12. Jennsylvania

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments