Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)

by George Bernard Shaw

  MRS HUSHABYE I certainly don’t understand how your marrying that object [indicating MANGAN] will console you for not being able to marry Hector.

  ELLIE Perhaps you don’t understand why I was quite a nice girl this morning, and am now neither a girl nor particularly nice.

  MRS HUSHABYE Oh, yes, I do. It’s because you have made up your mind to do something despicable and wicked.

  ELLIE I don’t think so, Hesione. I must make the best of my ruined house.

  MRS HUSHABYE Pooh!You’ll get over it.Your house isn’t ruined.

  ELLIE Of course I shall get over it. You don’t suppose I’m to sit down and die of a broken heart, I hope, or be an old maid living on a pittance from the Sick and Indigent Roomkeepers’ Association. But my heart is broken, all the same. What I mean by that is that I know that what has happened to me with Marcus will not happen to me ever again. In the world for me there is Marcus and a lot of other men of whom one is just the same as another. Well, if I can’t have love, that’s no reason why I should have poverty. If Mangan has nothing else, he has money.

  MRS HUSHABYE And are there no young men with money.

  ELLIE Not within my reach. Besides, a young man would have the right to expect love from me, and would perhaps leave me when he found I could not give it to him. Rich young men can get rid of their wives, you know, pretty cheaply. But this object, as you call him, can expect nothing more from me than I am prepared to give him.

  MRS HUSHABYE He will be your owner, remember. If he buys you, he will make the bargain pay him and not you. Ask your father.

  ELLIE [rising and strolling to the chair to contemplate their subject] You need not trouble on that score, Hesione. I have more to give Boss Mangan than he has to give me: it is I who am buying him, and at a pretty good price too, I think. Women are better at that sort of bargain than men. I have taken the Boss’s measure; and ten Boss Mangans shall not prevent me doing far more as I please as his wife than I have ever been able to do as a poor girl. [Stooping to the recumbent figure.] Shall they, Boss? I think not. [She passes on to the drawing-table, and leans against the end of it, facing the windows.] I shall not have to spend most of my time wondering how long my gloves will last, anyhow.

  MRS HUSHABYE [rising superbly] Ellie, you are a wicked, sordid little beast. And to think that I actually condescended to fascinate that creature there to save you from him! Well, let me tell you this: if you make this disgusting match, you will never see Hector again if I can help it.

  ELLIE [unmoved] I nailed Mangan by telling him that if he did not marry me he should never see you again [she lifts herself on her wrists and seats herself on the end of the table].

  MRS HUSHABYE [recoiling] Oh!

  ELLIE So you see I am not unprepared for your playing that trump against me. Well, you just try it: that’s all. I should have made a man of Marcus, not a household pet.

  MRS HUSHABYE [flaming] You dare!

  ELLIE [looking almost dangerous] Set him thinking about me if you dare.

  MRS HUSHABYE Well, of all the impudent little fiends I ever met! Hector says there is a certain point at which the only answer you can give to a man who breaks all the rules is to knock him down. What would you say if I were to box your ears?

  ELLIE [calmly] I should pull your hair.

  MRS HUSHABYE [mischievously] That wouldn’t hurt me. Perhaps it comes off at night.

  ELLIE [so taken aback that she drops off the table and runs to her] Oh, you don’t mean to say, Hesione, that your beautiful black hair is false?

  MRS HUSHABYE [patting it] Don’t tell Hector. He believes in it.

  ELLIE [groaning] Oh! Even the hair that ensnared him false! Everything false!

  MRS HUSHABYE Pull it and try. Other women can snare men in their hair; but I can swing a baby on mine. Aha! you can’t do that, Goldylocks.

  ELLIE [heartbroken] No. You have stolen my babies.

  MRS HUSHABYE Pettikins, don’t make me cry. You know what you said about my making a household pet of him is a little true. Perhaps he ought to have waited for you. Would any other woman on earth forgive you?

  ELLIE Oh, what right had you to take him all for yourself! [Pulling herself together.] There! You couldn’t help it: neither of us could help it. He couldn’t help it. No, don’t say anything more: I can’t bear it. Let us wake the object. [She begins stroking MANGAN’s head, reversing the movement with which she put him to sleep.] Wake up, do you hear? You are to wake up at once. Wake up, wake up, wake—

  MANGAN [bouncing out of the chair in a fury and turning on them] Wake up! So you think I’ve been asleep, do you? [He kicks the chair violently back out of his way, and gets between them.] You throw me into a trance so that I can’t move hand or foot—I might have been buried alive! it’s a mercy I wasn‘t—and then you think I was only asleep. If you’d let me drop the two times you rolled me about, my nose would have been flattened for life against the floor. But I’ve found you all out, anyhow. I know the sort of people I’m among now. I’ve heard every word you’ve said, you and your precious father, and [to MRS HUSHABYE] you too. So I’m an object, am I? I’m a thing, am I? I’m a fool that hasn’t sense enough to feed myself properly, am I? I’m afraid of the men that would starve if it weren’t for the wages I give them, am I? I’m nothing but a disgusting old skinflint to be made a convenience of by designing women and fool managers of my works, am I? I’m—

  MRS HUSHABYE [with the most elegant aplomb] Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh! Mr Mangan, you are bound in honor to obliterate from your mind all you heard while you were pretending to be asleep. It was not meant for you to hear.

  MANGAN Pretending to be asleep! Do you think if I was only pretending that I’d have sprawled there helpless, and listened to such unfairness, such lies, such injustice and plotting and backbiting and slandering of me, if I could have up and told you what I thought of you! I wonder I didn’t burst.

  MRS HUSHABYE [sweetly] You dreamt it all, Mr. Mangan. We were only saying how beautifully peaceful you looked in your sleep. That was all, wasn’t it, Ellie? Believe me, Mr Mangan, all those unpleasant things came into your mind in the last half second before you woke. Ellie rubbed your hair the wrong way; and the disagreeable sensation suggested a disagreeable dream.

  MANGAN [doggedly] I believe in dreams.

  MRS HUSHABYE So do I. But they go by contraries,ky don’t they?

  MANGAN [depths of emotion suddenly welling up in him] I shan’t forget, to my dying day, that when you gave me the glad eye that time in the garden, you were making a fool of me. That was a dirty low mean thing to do. You had no right to let me come near you if I disgusted you. It isn’t my fault if I’m old and haven’t a moustache like a bronze candlestick as your husband band has. There are things no decent woman would do to a man—like a man hitting a woman in the breast. HESIONE, utterly shamed, sits down on the sofa and covers her face with her hands. MANGAN sits down also on his chair and begins to cry like a child. ELLIE stares at them. MRS HUSHABYE, at the distressing sound he makes, takes down her hands and looks at him. She rises and runs to him.

  MRS HUSHABYE Don’t cry: I can’t bear it. Have I broken your heart? I didn’t know you had one. How could I?

  MANGAN I’m a man, ain’t I?

  MRS HUSHABYE [half coaxing, half rallying, altogether tenderly] Oh no: not what I call a man. Only a Boss: just that and nothing else. What business has a Boss with a heart?

  MANGAN Then you’re not a bit sorry for what you did, nor ashamed?

  MRS HUSHABYE I was ashamed for the first time in my life when you said that about hitting a woman in the breast, and I found out what I’d done. My very bones blushed red. You’ve had your revenge, Boss. Aren’t you satisfied?

  MANGAN Serve you right! Do you hear? Serve you right! You’re just cruel. Cruel.

  MRS HUSHABYE Yes: cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt. By the way [sitting down beside him on the arm of the chair], what’s your name? It’s not really Boss,
is it?

  MANGAN [shortly] If you want to know, my name’s Alfred.

  MRS HUSHABYE [springs up] Alfred!! Ellie, he was christened after Tennyson!!!

  MANGAN [rising] I was christened after my uncle, and never had a penny from him, damn him! What of it?

  MRS HUSHABYE It comes to me suddenly that you are a real person: that you had a mother, like anyone else. [Putting her hands on his shoulders and surveying him.] Little Alf!

  MANGAN Well, you have a nerve.

  MRS HUSHABYE And you have a heart, Alfy, a whimpering little heart, but a real one. [Releasing him suddenly.] Now run and make it up with Ellie. She has had time to think what to say to you, which is more than I had [she goes out quickly into the garden by the port door].

  MANGAN That woman has a pair of hands that go right through you.

  ELLIE Still in love with her, in spite of all we said about you?

  MANGAN Are all women like you two? Do they never think of anything about a man except what they can get out of him? You weren’t even thinking that about me. You were only thinking whether your gloves would last.

  ELLIE I shall not have to think about that when we are married.

  MANGAN And you think I am going to marry you after what I heard there!

  ELLIE You heard nothing from me that I did not tell you before.

  MANGAN Perhaps you think I can’t do without you.

  ELLIE I think you would feel lonely without us all, now, after coming to know us so well.

  MANGAN [with something like a yell of despair] Am I never to have the last word?

  CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [appearing at the starboard garden door] There is a soul in torment here. What is the matter?

  MANGAN This girl doesn’t want to spend her life wondering how long her gloves will last.

  CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [passing through] Don’t wear any. I never do [he goes into the pantry].

  LADY UTTERWORD [appearing at the port garden door, in a handsome dinner dress] Is anything the matter?

  ELLIE This gentleman wants to know is he never to have the last word?

  LADY UTTERWORD [coming forward to the sofa] I should let him have it, my dear. The important thing is not to have the last word, but to have your own way.

  MANGAN She wants both.

  LADY UTTERWORD She won’t get them, Mr Mangan. Providence always has the last word.

  MANGAN [desperately] Now you are going to come religion over me. In this house a man’s mind might as well be a football. I’m going. [He makes for the hall, but is stopped by a hail from the captain, who has just emerged from his pantry].

  CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Whither away, Boss Mangan?

  MANGAN To hell out of this house: let that be enough for you and all here.

  CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You were welcome to come: you are free to go. The wide earth, the high seas, the spacious skies are waiting for you outside.

  LADY UTTERWORD But your things, Mr Mangan. Your bag, your comb and brushes, your pyjamas—

  HECTOR [who has just appeared in the port doorway in a handsome Arab costume] Why should the escaping slave take his chains with him?

  MANGAN That’s right, Hushabye. Keep the pyjamas, my lady, and much good may they do you.

  HECTOR [advancing to LADY UTTERWORD’s left hand] Let us all go out into the night and leave everything behind us.

  MANGAN You stay where you are, the lot of you. I want no company, especially female company.

  ELLIE Let him go. He is unhappy here. He is angry with us.

  CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Go, Boss Mangan; and when you have found the land where there is happiness and where there are no women, send me its latitude and longitude; and I will join you there.

  LADY UTTERWORD You will certainly not be comfortable without your luggage, Mr Mangan.

  ELLIE [impatient] Go, go: why don’t you go? It is a heavenly night: you can sleep on the heath. Take my waterproof to lie on: it is hanging up in the hall.

  HECTOR Breakfast at nine, unless you prefer to breakfast with the captain at six.

  ELLIE Good night, Alfred.

  HECTOR Alfred! [He runs back to the door and calls into the garden. ] Randall, Mangan’s Christian name is Alfred.

  RANDALL [appearing in the starboard doorway in evening dress] Then Hesione wins her bet.

  MRS HUSHABYE appears in the port doorway. She throws her left arm round HECTOR’s neck: draws him with her to the back of the sofa: and throws her right arm round LADY UTTERWORD’s neck.

  MRS HUSHABYE They wouldn’t believe me, Alf. They contemplate him.

  MANGAN Is there any more of you coming in to look at me, as if I was the latest thing in a menagerie?

  MRS HUSHABYE You are the latest thing in this menagerie. Before MANGAN can retort, a fall of furniture is heard from upstairs: then a pistol shot, and a yell of pain. The staring group breaks up in consternation.

  MAZZINI’S VOICE [from above] Help! A burglar! Help!kz

  HECTOR [his eyes blazing] A burglar!!!

  MRS HUSHABYE No, Hector: you’ll be shot [but it is too late; he has dashed out past MANGAN, who hastily moves towards the bookshelves out of his way].

  CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [blowing his whistle] All hands aloft! [He strides out after HECTOR.]

  LADY UTTERWORD My diamonds! [She follows the captain. ]

  RANDALL [rushing after her] No, Ariadne. Let me.

  ELLIE Oh, is papa shot? [She runs out.]

  MRS HUSHABYE Are you frightened, Alf?

  MANGAN No. It ain’t my house, thank God.

  MRS HUSHABYE If they catch a burglar, shall we have to go into court as witnesses, and be asked all sorts of questions about our private lives?

  MANGAN You won’t be believed if you tell the truth.

  MAZZINI, terribly upset, with a duelling pistol in his hand, comes from the hall, and makes his way to the drawing-table.

  MAZZINI Oh, my dear Mrs Hushabye, I might have killed him. [He throws the pistol on the table and staggers round to the chair.] I hope you won’t believe I really intended to. HECTOR comes in, marching an old and villainous looking man before him by the collar. He plants him in the middle of the room and releases him.

  ELLIE follows, and immediately runs across to the back of her father’s chair and pats his shoulders.

  RANDALL [entering with a poker] Keep your eye on this door, Mangan. I’ll look after the other [he goes to the starboard door and stands on guard there].

  LADY UTTERWORD comes in after RANDALL, and goes between MRS HUSHABYE and MANGAN.

  NURSE GUINNESS brings up the rear, and waits near the door, on MANGAN’s left.

  MRS HUSHABYE What has happened?

  MAZZINI Your housekeeper told me there was somebody upstairs, and gave me a pistol that Mr Hushabye had been practising with. I thought it would frighten him; but it went off at a touch.

  THE BURGLAR Yes, and took the skin off my ear. Precious near took the top off my head. Why don’t you have a proper revolver instead of a thing like that, that goes off if you as much as blow on it?

  HECTOR One of my duelling pistols. Sorry.

  MAZZINI He put his hands up and said it was a fair cop.la

  THE BURGLAR So it was. Send for the police.

  HECTOR No, by thunder! It was not a fair cop. We were four to one.

  MRS HUSHABYE What will they do to him?

  THE BURGLAR Ten years. Beginning with solitary. Ten years off my life. I shan’t serve it all: I’m too old. It will see me out.

  LADY UTTERWORD You should have thought of that before you stole my diamonds.

  THE BURGLAR Well, you’ve got them back, lady, haven’t you? Can you give me back the years of my life you are going to take from me?

  MRS HUSHABYE Oh, we can’t bury a man alive for ten years for a few diamonds.

  THE BURGLAR Ten little shining diamonds! Ten long black years!

  LADY UTTERWORD Think of what it is for us to be dragged through the horrors of a criminal court, and have all our family affairs in the papers! If you were a native, and Hastings
could order you a good beating and send you away, I shouldn’t mind; but here in England there is no real protection for any respectable person.

  THE BURGLAR I’m too old to be giv a hiding, lady. Send for the police and have done with it. It’s only just and right you should.

  RANDALL [who has relaxed his vigilance on seeing the burglar so pacifically disposed, and comes forward swinging the poker between his fingers like a well-folded umbrella] It is neither just nor right that we should be put to a lot of inconvenience to gratify your moral enthusiasm, my friend. You had better get out, while you have the chance.

  THE BURGLAR [inexorably] No. I must work my sin off my conscience. This has come as a sort of call to me. Let me spend the rest of my life repenting in a cell. I shall have my reward above.

  MANGAN [exasperated] The very burglars can’t behave naturally in this house.

  HECTOR My good sir, you must work out your salvation at somebody else’s expense. Nobody here is going to charge you.

  THE BURGLAR Oh, you won’t charge me, won’t you?

  HECTOR No. I’m sorry to be inhospitable; but will you kindly leave the house?

  THE BURGLAR Right. I’ll go to the police station and give myself up. [He turns resolutely to the door: but HECTOR stops him.]

  LADY UTTERWORD You will have to do as you are told.

  THE BURGLAR It’s compounding a felony, you know.

  MRS HUSHABYE This is utterly ridiculous. Are we to be forced to prosecute this man when we don’t want to?

  THE BURGLAR Am I to be robbed of my salvation to save you the trouble of spending a day at the sessions?lb Is that justice? Is it right? Is it fair to me?

  MAZZINI [rising and leaning across the table persuasively as if it were a pulpit desk or a shop counter] Come, come! let me show you how you can turn your very crimes to account. Why not set up as a locksmith? You must know more about locks than most honest men?

  THE BURGLAR That’s true, sir. But I couldn’t set up as a locksmith under twenty pounds.

  RANDALL Well, you can easily steal twenty pounds. You will find it in the nearest bank.

  THE BURGLAR [horrified] Oh, what a thing for a gentleman to put into the head of a poor criminal scrambling out of the bottomless pit as it were! Oh, shame on you, sir! Oh, God forgive you! [He throws himself into the big chair and covers his face as if in prayer.]