by Shane Morton
I clinked my glass against his and stared longingly into his eyes. It made him a little uncomfortable, maybe because he broke the contact and stared down at the table.
“There’s something I have wanted to tell you, Calvin,” I said nervously. I sat my glass down and placed my hands upon the table. I could feel them shiver, and I grasped the edge of the table. If I could just say it and get it over with, it would all be over and done with.
“Really,” he mused; his curiosity peaked as to what was making me turn into a puddle in front of him. “What?”
I took a deep breath, and a memory shot through me. Freshman year… I passed by this guy every day in one of my first classes here. He caught my eye then, too. Of course, I never even talked to him. He scared me. My feelings scared me. How had I not realized this before? He sat behind me, and I passed him every time I walked out of the classroom. I would glance at him in the side of my eye. He was just as handsome and virile then. His quietness and studiousness always surprised me. He was the smartest guy in the room, and the teacher loved him. What the fuck class was it?
“We had a class together our freshman year. I bet you didn’t know that did you?” I changed the subject. I was a fucking coward. “I can’t remember the class, though. But I remember you. You sat behind me, and you always wore those tank tops. You had nice arms. I’m sure you still do.”
“Oh, I remember. How can someone forget meeting the great Mason McKendrick for the first time.” He smirked, but his eyes showed surprise that I remembered.
“I think I was in awe of you even then,” I said quietly. “You were so handsome and strong and silent behind me. I think I…”
“You’re kidding me, right. I stared at you the whole class,” his mouth dropped open, and a deep red blush rushed over his face.
“Stared at me, huh?” I grinned. “I like the sound of that.”
“Mason, what the fuck are we doing?” he asked, confusion heavy upon his voice.
“What I wished I would have done my freshman year,” I stood up and leaned over the table and placed my lips gently against his. His mouth tightened before he let go, and we shared our first kiss. Tingles ran over my body as the heat from his lips entered mine. His eyes flew open, and he pulled back.
“Mason?” he paused and stared at me. “I… uh… I… gotta go. Sorry.” And before I knew what was happening, he was running out the door, leaving me there still shivering from my first kiss with another man.
Was it that bad?
No. It was perfect. He just doesn’t understand what it meant.
I picked up the glass and downed the amber liquid and laid down a twenty on the table to pay.
I walked home with wings on my feet.
It was a start, but it was not the end.
Eleven
Calvin
Mason McKendrick kissed me.
What in the actual fuck?
How did I react? Like a twelve-year-old girl after she got her first kiss. I ran away.
I was a total pussy, and I probably ruined everything.
Goddammit…
I could still feel his lips.
I had run out of the car and drove home as quickly as I could. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to burst into tears or transfer colleges. But no matter how hard I analyzed it, I came across the same hypothesis. Mason actually liked me enough to kiss me out in public.
Holy shit.
When I got home, I noticed that Mason had sent a text.
Can we talk? Are you ok? Sorry but not sorry. I’m glad I did it.
I tried to ignore it, but I kept picking my phone back up and reading it again and again.
Fuck… Why was I being an asshole? This was what I had always wanted. What the fuck was wrong with me? I felt sick. Nauseous and feverish. My heart was hammering out of my chest, and my mind was fuzzy and slow.
Maybe I should face the music. Maybe I should let him know how I had always felt. Maybe try not to sound like a crazy stalker, but… I should text him back.
Tmrw? I need to think.
I saw the little dots on my phone as he responded.
As you wish, Calvin.
Fuck. Did he just Princess Bride- me? I placed my hand over my heart as I thought about Mason. He was frustrating, sure. He was a little full of himself, or at least tried to look that way. He was obnoxious most of the time and definitely knew how good looking he was. Hell, he used it to get what he wanted.
He was also kind. And funny… sweet, when he wanted to be. He was complicated, and that was a good thing. And holy shit… he was fucking gorgeous.
I had to stop myself from texting him back and inviting him over. That would be foolish. That would be dangerous. Mason was an unknown, and that scared the shit out of me. I talked a good game with my friends, but there was a reason I didn’t date very often. There was a reason I never let anyone get close in that way.
Eric. The ex that was never really mine.
Fuck, that boy really messed me up. I still held onto the physical and mental scars from him, almost as if I didn’t want to let them go. If I did, I wouldn’t have the excuse of him any longer. I would have to face the facts and realize that I was living in the shadows of my past and scared to step out into the sun.
Eric and I met when we were juniors in high school. He moved here from Indiana and fell in with my friends and me quickly. It was like he had always been a part of our gang, and we had never known he was missing. He and Chad became quick friends as they were both athletes. Eric was a baseball player, and before long, he was our big man on campus. He was tall and lean and smart as a tack. He and I were in all of the AP classes together, and soon, we were study buddies.
He was straight, and he plowed his way through a large swath of girls quickly. I was star struck by him. He had an electricity to him that made you feel more alive when you were in his presence. Mason reminds me of him in many ways. Maybe that was what scared me the most.
I hid my feelings for Eric. There was no reason to let him or anyone else know the raging fires that were tormenting me with every glance or touch from him. When he cast his attention towards me, I felt like I was the most important person in the world. Whenever I saw him giving his attention to someone else, usually a new girl who he chose for a short time, I felt bereft and depressed.
This went on until the summer. Chad and Mike were at some kind of camp for a few weeks, and Eric and I spent all of our time together. One night, he reached over and kissed me while we were watching Netflix in his bedroom. It was tentative at first. But he knew what he was doing. I kissed him back and allowed him to take my virginity that night. We were inseparable all summer.
‘No one can know,’ he would tell me. ‘I mean it, Calvin.’
I believed him. I had known what it felt like to be without him, and I knew I couldn’t stand for it to happen again. So, I stayed silent. I kept our secret. He had girlfriends all throughout our senior year, and I watched them hold hands in the hallways, keeping my mouth shut because I knew that later in the night, he would find me. He usually did. He told me he loved me. He told me that I was the one, and just as soon as we could get out of here, as soon as he could get away from his parents, from the school, and the church, we would be together.
Every day I pined for him, watching him smile and pretending that I was just one of the guys. At night I writhed underneath him and lived for his kisses and caresses. Chad and Mike started to get pissed that I drew away from them. They didn’t know, no one could know, or Eric and I would be over, and I couldn’t allow that. I needed him. I loved him with everything I had. I lost myself in him.
It was a fucking miserable year, with only a few moments of real joy, and those came from my real friends. I didn’t understand that then. I thought it was all Eric. I lived and breathed him until he was all I could think about. I didn’t see how he was controlling me. I didn’t know that he was causing me mental scars that would last for the rest of my life.
I didn’t know anythi
ng.
That summer, a couple of weeks after we graduated, he told me he was leaving. I thought that meant we could finally be together.
I was a damn fool.
He told me that it had all been an experiment and that it had meant nothing to him. He called me names and hit me, his class ring ripping into my cheek. A scar I still have to this day. The names he called me were the worst. The disdain and disgust he made me feel for myself. The anguish of knowing that I wasn’t worthy to him.
I wasn’t thinking. I know that now. He had turned me into a victim, and his mind games had broken me. I didn’t really want to die. I know that now. I just needed someone to help me, and this was the only way I knew how at that time. I was broken.
It took me months to come back to myself. I had to beg my parents to let me start school in the fall. It was all I had. The counselors had helped me to see over the summer that what had happened to me wasn’t really my fault. I was a victim of someone who used me for their pleasure, sexual, and mental.
The power he must have felt. My subservience, my groveling like a dog for the scraps of affection he threw my way, makes me sick now.
I will never be that person again.
When Mason crossed that table tonight. I went right back to the person I was.
Now, I had to figure out what that meant.
I didn’t see him that weekend. I made up an excuse and told him I would see him on Monday. I avoided Chad and Mike. I ignored texts from Gina, Billy, and Gwen.
When Monday came, I didn’t have an excuse.
It was my job, and Mason had to pass his test. As I walked down the stairs and saw him sitting at the table waiting for me in a sleeveless shirt and gym shorts, my heart started thumping out of my damn chest. I was into him. I couldn’t deny it.
All weekend long, I thought about him and the possibility of us.
I was tired of hiding. Hopefully, he was too. Because I would never go back to that again.
Mason had to show me that he was different from Eric. He had to show me that we could live in the night and not hide in the darkness. What saved the possibility of there being an us, was that kiss. It wasn’t demanding and needful. It was hopeful.
It was in public.
That made me think that maybe I should see where this goes. I was tired of being alone, and hell the dozen times I masturbated thinking about that damn kiss…
I didn’t see how I had a choice. I owed it to myself and that pathetic boy I was to see where this might lead.
I cleared my throat as I approached the table, and he turned his head to stare at me. He had dark circles under his eyes. It looks like he was thinking about what happened all weekend too.
“Hi Mason,” I said cheerfully as if there wasn’t a raging vent of emotion threatening to break free.
He stood up and flailed his hands for a second, trying to decide what to do. I walked over and hugged him. He put his arms around me and sighed, his nose tickling the top of my head.
“I was scared you weren’t going to show up,” he said under his breath.
“Dude, I need my paycheck,” I laughed lowly. “I pay my own way through school, you know.” I let go of him and stepped back. “Hi, Mason… Sorry, I was an ass all weekend. I had a lot to think about.”
“My fault?” he asked, a sly smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He was an arrogant ass, that was for sure, but there was so much more there. I had seen glimpses, and I wanted to know how deep those glimpses actually were.
“Partially,” I nodded. “But it wasn’t all you. My past… well, let’s just say that I will tell you when we are done studying, okay. Study first, and then we can talk about that kiss.”
“You want to talk about the kiss?” he asked, I swear I could see hope spring into his face. It confused me and delighted me and was going to make actual tutoring a bitch.
“I have many questions. It… was a very nice kiss, if that’s what you’re wondering.” I sat down and set my backpack on the floor, unzipping it and pulling out a quiz. “Did you study over the weekend?”
“Well, I googled the shit out of you. I had no idea that you were a national finalist in debate. Figures…” he shrugged. “I now know to never argue with you.”
“That’s a step in the right direction, I suppose.” His flattery was intoxicating. I could get used to that.
“I can’t believe you totally, Cinderella’d me.” He grinned. “Was I supposed to chase after you, because that didn’t feel like what you wanted and I… Well, I’m not really good at this, you know,” he looked down at the table a sad smile on his face.
“Sorry. I will explain all of my baggage later. But you didn’t answer my question. Please tell me you studied some and read the rest of the chapters for your quiz.” I stared at him, my eyes narrowing as I waited for his answer.
“Yes. I read and took notes and did my best to study for the damn test.” There was so much he wanted to say, it was written all over his face. But he was trying to play by my rules, and I appreciated it.
“Good. Because I have a five-page quiz that I promise is harder than the one you will take this week. My friend in the… uh, the art department sent me copies of the quiz your teacher has used over the last few years, and I made sure to combine them all into one massive test for you. Are you ready, Mason?” I held it out and slid it across the table to him. He reached in his bag and handed me a new copy of his paper. “Did you add the stuff we talked about?” I asked, surprised.
“Yeah. I thought it would be best if I brown-nosed the teacher. I’ve always wanted to be the teacher’s pet for my grades and not my charming smile.” He dazzled me with one of his wide and handsome grins.
People always talk about how hot the twins are, but Mason is in a category all by himself.
We sat in silence for the next hour as I proofed his paper with a discerning eye, and he slowly took the quiz. He bit on his pencil when he was in deep concentration. It made me a little crazy. I wanted to be that pencil… Don’t judge me.
“Time,” I called and gestured for me to hand back the paper. “Did you finish.”
“Yeah. Twenty minutes ago… I was just double-checking all of my answers,” he said proudly. “I think I knew them. I fucking can’t believe how many I just knew the answers to without having to think too hard about them.” His face lit up. I was happy that he was proud of the work he had done. I was still in shock over the change I had seen in only a week. He really was taking this seriously. His paper proved that.
“I did a few minor corrections for you. But, Mason, that paper… I think that is A work. You should be… I’m really proud of you. The new ending for the paper was really good, and the sources you cited were perfect. I really felt like you connected to it. The way you brought the owners of sports teams and the licensing of pro athletes and compared that to the art world… I’m impressed truly.” I handed the paper to him, and I swear there were tears in his eyes.
“I’m gonna pass this class, and that is all because of you, Calvin,” he reached across the table and grabbed my hand.
“Aren’t you scared that someone will see you being affectionate to a guy?” I asked, my voice a little more forceful than I intended.
His face fell, but he still held onto my hand. “I won’t know until someone sees me, I guess. I’ve spent enough time hiding who I am, Calvin. I don’t think I really want to anymore. I guess… Well, I assume you figured out I’m gay, right?”
“The kiss did lead me in that direction,” I groaned, laughing at him squirming.
“Good, cause I was afraid at first you would think I was just messing with you, and that wasn’t it, at all,” he grinned. I got lost in the whiteness of his teeth. They were so perfect and straight as if he were the poster child for some kind of sexy man toothpaste. They were too perfect, actually. It was alarming.
How could anyone that handsome ever be into me, I mean, I wasn’t ugly by any means, but mason was a fucking Greek god. He was the model that s
culptors would kill for. How could he ever…
Mason snapped his fingers in front of me.
“Earth to Calvin,” he says, chuckling at my inattention. “I asked a question. Are you just going to sit there staring?” His face is too perfect. That smile… damn. His smile is infuriating.
“No, I was just thinking about how I was going to tell you why I ran away,” I said seriously. My body might be pulling me towards him, but my mind still saw him as the threat he was. A gorgeous, muscular threat. To move that hurdle I would have to tell him about me. I would have to give him a chance to bow out gracefully. “But first, I have to grade this quiz.” I pulled out the answers from my backpack. “I didn’t know half of this shit myself.”
I checked his questions. He only got one wrong. My mouth was agape as I wrote an A on the test and handed it back to him. He beamed at me with that fucking smile and laughed that fucking sexy husky laugh of his. “I can’t fucking believe this. You are… I fucking love you!” His deep voice made my toes curl. I wanted to push him back in his chair and straddle him as I smashed my face into his. Instead, I stood up.
“Okay, that is enough for today. You are ready for the test on Wednesday, and your paper will be perfect when you fix the few grammar mistakes I found and circled for you. So let’s go talk,” I held out my hand to him. “Let’s not go to Sam’s. Play practice got out, and I don’t want to have to talk to anyone else but you tonight, okay.”
He took my hand, and I tried to haul him to his feet. Have you ever tried to help a football player out of his chair? He laughed as he pulled me into his lap instead. “I think I like you here, Calvin.”
I could feel my face flush and my dick harden. I definitely felt his. “This is not appropriate library etiquette, Mason.” Our faces were just a few inches from each other. It was making my head spin. His breath was sweet and hot, and I wanted to taste it so badly.
“First,” he held me in place. “I think we have to decide where we are going.” I felt him stiffen underneath me, and he pushed me out of his lap. “Okay, that was a bad idea.” He laughed. I glanced down. It didn’t seem like a bad idea to me, but I was not thinking straight right now. I was lust-filled and nervous about admitting my past to him. Would he see me as a broken thing? Would he still be interested? Would it scare him?