by TC Matson
“Have you talked to him?”
I laugh under my breath. “Add that to my list, just before begged, cried, and most recently screamed.”
“What’s his reasoning?”
I pull my legs into my chest, twisting my body to face him. “He blames work and tells me it’ll get better after the job. The same excuse I’ve heard for years now.”
“Can I ask you something personal?” his tone holds caution.
“Yeah.” I nod.
“Are you still in love with him?”
I can feel the glassiness spread over my eyes as I lose focus on Trenton and the fence behind him comes into the blurry center of my attention. My throat tightens. “No.” I shake my head. “I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”
“If you’re not in love with him, why are you torturing yourself with unhappiness?”
I shrug. “He’s all I know. My first love.” I smile brokenheartedly. “I guess I’m wishing the pieces would fall back in place.”
He shifts toward me and drapes his arm over the back of the couch. “Nothing is ever the same the second go around. Besides, your feelings didn’t change overnight.”
“I guess I wanted to pretend it was all still there. I wanted to believe we were in some kind of slump. Everyone has had them. I’m no different. It’s conflicting, the same man I once was madly in love with…” I trail off.
“What about counseling?” he asks with deep compassion.
“He’s too manly for that.”
“My uneducated guess is neither one of you are in love with each other anymore and are too scared to admit it. It’s not a bad thing. It’s life. People change. Sometimes as you’re growing up, you grow apart.”
I smile at him. “For such a young man, you’re pretty philosophical.”
He laughs. “I’m less than a year younger than you.”
“You’re basically in diapers,” I tease.
He takes a swig of his beer and grants me a cute and playful smile. “I’m going back in. Might as well take advantage of free food since I’m a growing boy. Do you want anything?”
“No. Thank you.”
He pats my shoulder. “Don’t be afraid of change, Riley. Welcome it. Life has evolved around it.”
I stare blankly at the wooden planks of the fence. I’m not afraid of change. I’m petrified of what follows it—the aftermath.
Trenton’s words continue to swirl in my mind and I think he’s right. I want counseling and I pray Brian will agree to it because I know we love each other so deeply that we don’t want to lose it. Nothing but good can come from getting professional help, from getting an outsider’s view.
Tired of thinking about something so forlorn, I make my way back inside, refill my glass and find April. I stand quietly beside her, listening to the group of women talk about some of the HOA rules and regulations, which makes me thank my lucky stars we don’t have one. Even though we live a few roads away and share the same sidewalk, I don’t have to answer to the apparent asshole leaders of the organization.
A sensation trickles down the back of my neck and I scan the room to see Trenton eyeing me from the other side in a group of all men. It’s a unique stare—full of wonder, worry, compassion, and thought. It provokes me to give a small grin and he matches mine, raising his beer to a silent “cheers.”
Another hour and once again, I’ve had my fill of people. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a soccer mom with no life. I don’t know half of what they’re talking about. I’m unable to add to the conversations and they never steer toward my expertise of motherhood.
April has a koi fish pond in the far corner of her back yard surrounded by tall leafy bushes. It’s small, beautiful and tranquil. The sound of water trickling, spilling into the pond brings serenity. The moonlight dances on the moving water, glinting and animating the ripples. It’s very soothing.
“Why do I constantly find you outside alone?” Trenton asks.
Thing is…I felt him before he spoke. A weird tug in my chest alerted me to his presence. “Why do you always know where to find me when I hide from the crowd?”
“It’s a knack.” He chuckles.
“You’d be a bastard to play hide and seek with,” I snort. “Could it be the fact every time I look up, you’re watching me?” I give him a shit-eating grin.
His lips twitch. “Someone has to keep an eye on you.”
I hum. “Nice to know someone does.”
“That’s what friends are for, right?” There’s an emptiness to his tone.
“I don’t see how April does this yearly. There’s way too many people in there for me.”
He takes a swallow from his beer and we both settle into a quietness, watching and listening to the water spill into the little pond.
“It’s beautiful. Don’t you think?”
“Very.” His husky tone pulls me to look over at him gazing at me.
My brows pinch together. “Do what?”
He licks his lips and shakes his head. “Fuck it,” he mumbles, dropping his beer in the grass and walking me backward against the fence.
He places his elbow on the wood, lowering himself to my face. His body doesn’t touch mine, but I can feel the intensity.
“Please don’t do this to me,” I whisper with a shaky voice.
His lustful eyes flick from my lips to my eyes. “I want to kiss you, Riley.”
“I’m…I—”
“Taken?” he finishes my fumbling sentence. “I can be the man you’ve dreamed of.”
I swallow hard, resisting the urge to give in. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t fantasized about his lips against mine. “Please don’t.” He leans closer, dissipating some of the space distancing our lips. “Please don’t make me do something I’d regret.”
“It wouldn’t be a regret.”
“I’m not a cheater,” I tell him.
“He doesn’t love you,” he says.
“Neither do you,” I reply.
“I could if you’d let me.”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Because you’ve never let yourself. Let yourself feel it. I wouldn’t ever let you fall out of love with me. I wouldn’t leave you to hurt like you are.”
“You don’t know that,” I say.
“Dammit, Riley, I want you,” he whispers, his hazel eyes roaming my face. “I can make you happy. Bring out the gorgeous smile of yours. A woman like you should be appreciated, respected, and loved to the fullest. You’d be my queen—”
“I don’t think we should see each other again,” I choke out, interrupting him.
Hurt dawns in his expression and he exhales a frustrated sigh. “As much as it rips my heart out of my chest, I agree. You’re torture for me.”
His gaze darts between my eyes and lips before they settle with yearning and he takes a step away, allowing relief to sink in. Our stares linger. Emotions are drenching his expression and in this very moment, I see how much he truly cares for me.
He picks up his beer bottle and takes one last look back—angst and defeat—and then he’s gone.
I gulp in air, leaning back on the wooden fence, and drag my hands over my face. “Holy shit…” I sigh.
I knew there was an attraction between us, chemistry even, but I didn’t know he felt so deeply. Confusion settles a fog in my thoughts and I muster up the strength to go inside and excuse myself…risking the uncomfortable encounter with him.
April’s too busy entertaining to see my distress when I slide up beside her and tell her I’m heading out. Thankfully, I paused a conversation she was interested in, which made our goodbye much quicker. I’m incredibly relieved I don’t see Trenton as I rush out of April’s house. Half of me is scared to see him, in fear of how uncomfortable it will all be now knowing exactly how he feels. I often thought it. Now, he solidified it.
Chapter 14
I park beside Brian’s SUV and lean my head against the head rest taking a few steady breaths to relieve my nerves
. When I finally make my way in, Brian is at the island with a beer in front of him. As he lifts his head, I can immediately tell he’s drunk—his black hair is messy and his eyes are glassy.
“How was the party?” he asks with a slight slur.
“Good. As usual, she invited a lot of people. I missed you. I wished I had your arm.” I smile tenderly. I always felt the safest, the sexiest, and the most prideful when I was by his side with my arm weaved into his.
He licks his lips and frowns. “Don’t start.”
“I’m not,” I say somberly.
I step out of my heels and bend picking them up.
“I want you to leave,” he says and I jerk straight up.
“Do what?”
He drops his hand heavily on the counter. “You heard me right. I want you to leave,” he repeats.
I flinch at the laceration his words cause and immediately the vision of him becomes blurry through my tears. “You don’t mean that. You’re drunk.”
He shakes his head. “I do. I do mean it, Riley.” His face sets into a hardened stare. “I’m done. We’ve been done. No use to keep on. Get out.” The emptiness of his words shatter my soul.
“No,” I state matter-of-factly. “You don’t mean it. You’ve been drinking.”
He takes a frustrated breath. “I’m not going to argue about this. Drinking or not, I’ve made my decision. Now, get the hell out.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, staring at him. He doesn’t budge, piercing me with cold eyes. Somehow, I find the strength to pull my shoulders back and wipe the tears off my cheeks.
“Thanks for fighting just as hard as I did,” I snap angrily. I snatch my purse off the counter and stomp out of the house, slamming the door behind me.
Anger controls me right now. My outrage isn’t letting the hurt emerge as it should. Instead of bawling from a broken heart, I’m beyond pissed. Fuck him for giving up after I’ve fought so hard. Screw him for waiting until I hurt so badly to give me a glimpse of how he was feeling months after me begging and pleading for us to rekindle everything. He promised we’d be okay. He fucking promised me.
I drive back to the only place I know to go, the one with all the damn people still crowding the house.
I find April and tug her elbow. “I need to talk to you,” I grit.
Comprehension dawns in her expression and she moves us from the middle of the crowd back to her bedroom, where nights before I cried over Brian and me arguing.
“He’s done. Kicked me out of the house,” I shout the moment the door clicks, throwing my purse down on her bed.
Her brown eyes widen with confusion. “He did what? Why?”
I throw my hands up. “He didn’t give me a reason. Told me he was done.”
“That’s all he gave you?”
“Yup. That’s all he fucking gave me. Eleven years and I’m out on my ass in a blink of an eye. No warnings. No hints. Nothing.”
Sympathy. It’s a look I’ve never been able to handle well. I’ve never liked to be the reason, but her expression, her sad eyes…the realness, and then the truth dawns on me. “Oh my God, Lucas.” I suck in air and my anger melts away to sorrow. I drop my face into my hands. “He’s…How…”
“You two can stay here until you get on your feet. You stay in the guest room. Lucas can bunk with Josh. They’ll love it. I’ll see what I can do about getting you a job. Take a deep breath. This will all be okay.”
“How could he?” I say, knowing full well I saw all this coming. “How could he just up and kick me out without a notice?”
Her lips contort into a frown, unable to answer my question. “I’ve got to get back out there.” She points to the door. “Do you need anything? Care to join me?”
“No. I’m going to hide in the guest bedroom. Is Trenton still here?” I ask.
“I haven’t seen him in a while. Don’t do anything brash, Riley.”
I shake my head. “Nothing like that. He’s the last person I want to see right now.”
Her eyes soften. “I’ll check on you in a bit, but if you need me before come get me. Okay?”
I offer a weak smile.
She hugs my neck. “I promise this will be okay.”
I didn’t sleep well in the empty, cold guest bed. The room didn’t feel familiar. All the scents were foreign, and for the first time, I missed hearing Brian’s light snore. I wept holding a pillow and ended up crying myself to sleep. Throughout the night, I woke up many times, rolling over to see if Brian was there and this was all a bad dream. Unfortunately, Brian wasn’t there and reality was heartless.
I lie here, staring at the ceiling and taking in my surroundings. This is my new home until I find myself another one. I hear movement coming from the kitchen and I make my way toward it. April is in her purple fluffy robe, pouring herself a cup of coffee when she sees me and grabs another mug.
“How are you holding up?” she asks handing me the cup.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I feel numb.”
The first sip of coffee is bright and tangy, waking up my taste buds and warming my dry throat. “I’m going to call him. Lucas needs his stuff for school and I need clothes.” I exhale a long breath. “Can I take the coffee into the room?”
She furrows her brows giving me a ridiculous look. “That’s your part of the house. You make a mess, you clean it up.”
I smile, making my way past her and back down the long hall. I grab my cell, set my coffee on the nightstand and sit on the side of the bed.
It only rings twice when a tired voice answers.
“Did I wake you?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.” But honestly I’m not.
“It’s fine,” he grumbles, sounding as if he’s sitting up.
“Is this real?” My voice exits in a dense and unfamiliar tone.
“Yeah, Riley, it is,” he sighs.
I clear the lump out of my throat. “I need to come get a few things for me and Lucas.”
“Send April. I’ll have some of your stuff ready.”
“I can’t come and get it?” I ask defensively. “It’s my house too!” Or it was.
“This is hard enough. Don’t make it any harder.”
“If you feel that way, why aren’t we trying to make it work? Counseling? Something. I’m willing to try. It doesn’t have to be this way,” I plea.
He takes a shaky breath. “Pull half of the savings. It’s yours. You can come get your things when I’m not home. I trust you.”
“What about Lucas? What am I supposed to tell him?” I’m losing control over my emotions.
“The truth. We fell apart, Riley. For years, I’ve been miserable at work and taking it out on you. I don’t spend nearly enough time with Lucas and I don’t care enough to spend time with you. None of us deserve the unhappiness. Lucas doesn’t deserve parents who constantly fight.”
I scoot against the headboard and pull a pillow to my chest. “And what if he wants to see you?”
“I’ll always be a phone call away. I can have him every other weekend and then some days after school during the week. If I’m working late on those days, I’ll let him know.”
Tears sting my eyes and I softly cry. “Brian…”
“This isn’t easy for me either.”
“Sounds like you’ve planned it all out,” I say curtly knowing he’s thought this out without talking to me.
“I did.”
The bite of his words burn my skin.
“I’m tired of fighting and both of us hurting. I loathe coming home to the pissed off eyes and bitter tones, and I hate that I don’t care enough to change it. Send April when she has time. I’ll gather everything you need for the night. Tomorrow while I’m at work, gather your things.”
He hangs up.
He fucking hangs up.
I stare at my phone in disbelief. He doesn’t care enough to change it. Maybe that was the fundamental shift that happened to our relationship years ago—he
quit caring.
I grip my warm cup and pad back down the hallway. April is sitting at the table, staring mindlessly out the window into her backyard.
“I need to ask you a favor,” I say sitting across from her. “Brian doesn’t want me to come and get anything today but he said he’d gather a few things for Lucas and me if you go and get it. Do you have time today to run by and grab it?”
She blinks up to me. Her lip curls in disgust and she sits back. “He’s being a dick, huh?” She shakes her head. “Yeah. I can.”
“I need to go get Lucas. Brian said he’ll have everything ready.”
She nods her head toward the bathroom. “There’s an extra toothbrush still in the package under the sink. You can change into something of mine if you’d like. Yoga pants are in the bottom drawer of my dresser. Trust me. They make everything better.” Her smile is laced with a sadness that has me choking back tears.
“I feel like I’ve been robbed. A victim of a crime. Everything is in limbo and my emotions aren’t making sense,” I admit.
“Do they ever? And who’s to say your feelings are supposed to make sense?”
“I don’t know. I think I may be in shock. I’m not devastated like I thought I would be, but I’m not happy about it either.”
“Maybe you’ve been ready for this more than you knew?”
I leave her question unanswered.
I brush my teeth and make my way into her bedroom, grabbing a loose pink blouse and leaving my jeans on. There’s a soft knock on the door before April calls out to tell me she’s grabbing Josh and getting my things.
I’m heavy with woe—troubled at the plateaued feelings. I’m sad and feeling a bit guilty because I have a sense of relief, but I also feel like a failure.
My feet seem to know what to do—one step in front of the other—as I make my way to my car. Everything seems hazy, outlined in a thick fog as I crank my car and immediately shut off the radio. We all know how the universe enjoys purposely lining things up. I’m sure the radio will play every sad, heartbreaking song one after another from the 1950s to now.