by TC Matson
I call Barbara, Craig’s mother, and tell her I’m not feeling well so she can just send Lucas out when I get there. Thankfully, she doesn’t press the issue and agrees. Then right on cue as I pull up, my scruffy blond-haired boy comes bounding out the front door. My chest swells with hurt, knowing the conversation I’ll soon be having with him.
“Hey, Mom,” he says jumping into the back seat.
“Hey, sweetie. How was your night?”
“We swam all night. Barb turned the lights on in the pool and they changed colors. Red looked sic. It made it look like we were swimming in blood.”
“Well, that sounds like it was…fun?” I laugh.
“It was so cool. And I had sausage, pancakes, and biscuits this morning,” he adds.
“Pancakes and biscuits?” I chuckle.
“I put syrup on my biscuit. Tasted like a dry pancake.”
I laugh at his description. “I’m glad you had a good time. Hey, we’re going to hang with April for a bit.”
“Is Josh there?” he rushes out in excitement.
“She went to get him.”
“Good. I can’t wait to tell him about Craig’s pool.”
During the rest of the drive, he tells me about his dives from the diving board—most of them ending in belly flops. From there it turned into a belly flop competition with who could make the best sounding one. I wince as he explains that after his third or fourth one, it brought tears to his eyes automatically deeming Craig the winner. He gushes about how they slept in the basement and how it’s set up like an apartment “straight from New York City.” And finally, how he tried getting Craig to watch a scary movie, but Craig ended up chickening out on him.
He’s still rambling on as we pull into April’s and is still going over every single detail as I unlock the door. It isn’t five minutes later when April comes through the door with Josh talking her ear off. He pauses when he sees us sitting on the couch and then makes a beeline to Lucas.
Lucas eyes his book bag suspiciously as April sets both bags down.
“Follow me, kiddo. I gotta talk to you,” I say.
My pulse has never been so loud as I walk him down the hall to “my” bedroom. I feel like I’m about to jump out of a plane.
I take a seat beside him on the bed and pat his leg. “I don’t really know where to start.” I clear my throat. “Dad and I have decided it’s best if we go our separate ways.”
I want to puke.
“Like break up?” He flicks his surprised eyes to me.
“Yeah, baby, like break up.” I fight back my cry, swallowing through a tight throat. “You and I are going to stay here until I can get us our own place. If it’s okay with you, you’ll bunk with Josh. Dad said he’ll get you every other weekend and possibly some through the week for a few hours.”
He twists his thumbs. “Mom? Are you okay?”
Tears sting my eyes. “Yeah, baby, I’m okay.”
“You two fought a lot,” he tells me.
“I know,” I sigh. “I’m really sorry about that.”
“Is it okay that I’m sad?”
I pull him in for a hug. “Yes. We’re all sad, but we know it’s better for all of us if we live apart instead of living together unhappy.”
He looks up to me. “Is it okay that I’m happy too?”
I puff a laugh. “Yes, baby. It’s okay.”
“Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you quit calling me baby? I’m ten. I’m not a baby anymore.”
I kiss the top of his head. “You’ll be my baby until the day I’m no longer needed on Earth. But yes, kiddo, I’ll quit calling you baby.”
“It’s totally not cool. Craig’s mom calls him Craigo. I don’t think Lucas-o sounds good. We need to find something cooler than kiddo.”
I take the back of my fingers to his cheek. “Are you sure you’re okay with all of this?”
He shrugs. “It sucks. I’m gonna miss Dad, but you said it will make everyone happy. You’re always right and I want everyone happy, too.”
My soul swells from his sweet innocence, and I’m struggling to fight off the tears now. “Go get settled in Josh’s room. I’ll be there in a minute.”
As he leaves the room, I try my damnedest to steady my emotions by taking slow breaths—in through my nose, out through my mouth. I need to be strong, if not for me, for him.
Chapter 15
It’s been two months since Brian and I split up. April was able to get me a job working in one of the retail stores the same week I moved in with her. And next week, I’ve got an interview within the company for an HR assistant position. It’s been years since I’ve worked and adjusting to it was difficult, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I also received a jolting reminder of why I loathed working with the public when I was younger. Now grown, my feelings on the matter haven’t changed.
April divulged a deeply hidden secret one night over wine. Really long story short, she had gotten a friend to purchase a house while she and Jeff were going through the divorce, just in case. Afterward, she got the house put in her name. She admitted she kept it and didn’t sell it because she had a sneaking suspicion I’d need it. At first, it really hurt my feelings knowing she thought Brian and I would one day split, but then, I got it. She was the one I vented to. She was the outsider looking in. So of course, she’d see it coming even if I refused to.
She agreed to rent it to me for just the regular monthly payments until the house is paid off, and then, it would be mine. I agreed and she wrote up a legal document. I’ll be an official home owner in a little under two years.
I moved into it about two weeks after he and I split. I spent the first night in eleven years alone in a house I was new to. Everything was unfamiliar, but I felt at home and peaceful. It’s adorable—gray siding with dark trim and a cute covered front porch with a back deck. The interior is simple. The living room opens to the kitchen and, because there isn’t a dining room, there’s an eating area large enough for a small round table in the kitchen. It has three bedrooms with Lucas’ room and the guest room across the hall from one another, a full bathroom beside Lucas’ room, and the master bedroom at the very end of the hall. The master has an en-suite and I’m excited. For the first time in years, I can make it as girly as I want.
After I pulled half of the savings Brian said I could have, I was officially taken off the bank accounts. That hurt like hell. April borrowed Jeff’s truck and went with me to help move my things out of Brian’s house. I took everything we decided I could. Lucas’ bed, the guest bed, part of the kitchen utensils, and of course, all our clothing. I cried that day. Bawled like a baby as I packed my family into boxes, leaving the man I loved so deeply behind. I took some of the pictures, mainly of Lucas, and left the rest for Brian to deal with. Splitting was his decision. He can deal with the memories in his face.
My ten-year-old son has now become the man of the house, helping me with things I’d normally get Brian to do. He seems to like it because he walks around here with a different confidence level.
For the first month, Brian called Lucas every night and talked to him for ten to twenty minutes, but it didn’t last long. Now it has dwindled to two or three times a week, if he’s lucky.
Lucas’ soccer team never made it to the championships. Unfortunately, they lost their biggest match, but I was surprised how well Lucas handled it. I spotted Trenton that day in the bleachers two over from me, but he never spoke and I never caught him glancing at me. Brian also showed up—late, but he still came just in time to give Lucas a pep talk to brighten his spirits.
Brian and I have remained civil. We went from parents to co-parents. While it’s a huge adjustment for him, it’s one I was already familiar with. It wasn’t like Brian was ever at home. The only difference today holds is the fact I have a job.
The weeks following the move into my new place, I went through many weird emotions. I came out of the numbness with my emotions raw and roaring with an anger I’ve ne
ver experienced before. I was pissed. Raging with anger. And when the confusion set in, it made me even more mad. I couldn’t understand why something that used to be so great broke apart and crumbled in my hands. I also had a hard time wrapping my head around all the effort Brian started putting into Lucas. More so than he had ever in over five years. When he first started calling Lucas every night, it would eat me alive because one of my very pleas was for him to call me just to let me know he was running late. It took everything I had not to make a big deal, but I took the high road and contained my annoyance.
April had told me there were stages of emotions in a breakup. I thought she was insane, but looking back, it all makes sense. One evening while she was here, she said I went through them pretty quickly and thought, in my heart, I was ready for this. Honestly, as much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I think I was too. I still love Brian, but he’ll never be the same guy I fell in love with. Just like I told Trenton at April’s party, I knew I had fallen out of love and I was just holding on for the sake of holding on, pretending everything was okay when I didn’t have anything to pretend for. Brian and I were on the same page. We just didn’t know it until it was over.
We were both done. I just needed a gentle shove.
Chapter 16
“You sure you’re going to be all right?” Lucas asks bringing his bag down the hallway.
Every time he leaves to go to Brian’s, he frets about my safety. He’s worried since I’m a female alone without him here, something will happen.
“Yes. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I tell him kissing him on top of the head.
“If you get scared, sleep with your light on. It helps me.”
I laugh. “I scared the boogie monsters out a long time ago. They’re more scared of me than I am of them.” I hold up a fist. “Trust me.”
“Whoa.” He holds both hands open. “Remember, you’ll never be the evil villain. Your laugh is horrible.”
“Hey!” I exclaim with a giggle. “I don’t need a hero. I can be one.”
“You’ll need a hero, Mom. You’re a girl.”
“What’s me being a girl have to do with anything?”
A knock on the door ends our playful banter and sends my heart leaping out of my chest.
I pull open the door, forcing an unreadable expression that I pray isn’t giving away my nerves. “Hi.”
His wide jaw shifts into a smile, his brown worried eyes change to happiness, and he gives me a once over. “Hey.”
I don’t budge from the door. I don’t want him in my house. He’s not allowed. He shut me out and I’m keeping him out.
“You look—”
“Lucas! Dad is ready,” I call out interrupting him. “No use for compliments. Don’t make this more awkward than it already is,” I whisper my strength.
He frowns just before Lucas comes around the door, wrapping his arms around Brian’s waist. They embrace for a long moment when Brian finally ends it and tells him to grab his bag.
“I have to work until three Sunday. Do you want me to pick him up or will—”
“I’ll bring him back,” he rushes out, eyeing me with compassion. “Do you like your job?”
In the past, I loved the look he’s giving me right now. I’d melt into his arms knowing how much he cared for me. Mentally, I shake away the memories. “I do. I’m interviewing for a position in the corporate office Monday.”
He smiles proudly. “That’s good. Good luck.”
“Thanks,” I say moving out of Lucas’ way.
He turns and gives me a big hug. “Remember, you’re no hero. Use my bat.”
I laugh. “Did you leave it where I can find it?”
“Put it on your bed,” he chuckles.
I say my goodbye and then slide back into the house, shutting the door and dropping my head on the black wooden surface. Nothing is the same the second go around. I know and as hurtful as it is, I’m done. I’m not going to fall into the web of familiarity just because I’m comfortable in those arms and yearn for the same looks he gave me tonight. I’m not allowing myself to be set up for another heart break, one I know will probably hurt more than the first time around.
I open my eyes and scan my empty house. For the first time in two weeks, I am completely alone—in the quiet, in total peacefulness.
I make a steak salad, one fit for a family of three, and laugh at myself as I try stuffing myself to the gills. But there’s no use. I flip through the channels, but there’s nothing enticing. So I do what sounds the best—I ready myself for bed.
“Not even thirty years old, and I’m in the bed on a Friday night before nine thirty,” I snort to the empty room, pulling my covers back and crawling into bed.
The darkness begins playing tricks on me, so I turn on the TV and mute the sound. Lucas was right. I’m a wimp.
Saturday came and went peacefully and very, very quietly. It felt weird not to make breakfast for Lucas and have our morning chitchats. But it was also freeing. I felt free not having anyone but me to worry about. There wasn’t anything to do. No responsibilities. I didn’t want to wear a bra, so I didn’t as I cleaned the house unsure what the rest of the week held.
But today, I have to get up and be an adult. Unfortunately, I have to do this thing called work.
I’m working the men’s department, a section I actually enjoy as much as the children’s section. No offense to the women, but snobby never looked good on anyone. Men are composed, reserved, and let’s face it, they dislike shopping so much that it’s over and done with quickly.
I’m folding pants and putting them on the new display when I feel his presence. Even though he has visited my dreams and holds my daydreams hostage, I haven’t seen him since Lucas’ last game. I close my eyes and take a second to soak in the magnitude of the sweet intensity, scared to death to turn around.
“When did you start here?” he questions, and I finally turn around to acknowledge him.
In jeans and a loose fitted t-shirt, Trenton is stunning as usual. His hazel eyes gleam more of the green today, and his smile is leery but welcoming.
“I’ve been here for a month or so.” I smile to him.
He grunts. “Proves how little shopping I’ve done.”
I reach for another pair of pants and fold them, placing them neatly on the top of the stack, looking at anything but him.
He doesn’t move.
Inwardly, I sigh and glance up to him. “Is there something I can help you with?”
The right side of his lips pull up. “How have you been?”
“Good,” I say with pep, leaving out just how crappy I’ve been in private.
“Lucas says you two moved.”
Crap…I tighten my lips. “We did.” I pretend to give a damn about the time and look at my watch. “If there isn’t anything I can help you with, I need to get going. There’s a truck coming in,” I lie.
And he knows it. Instead of calling me out with words, his raised brow and sly smirk do the job. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too.” I rush off.
One thing I’ve learned being apart from Brian is that I miss Trenton’s friendship incredibly. I had become emotionally involved with him and gained a friendship I wish we still had. But he crossed a line and now that I know where he wants to be, there isn’t a way to be friends. You can’t possibly be friends with someone you lust for. It’s impossible to keep it strictly platonic.
It’s been hours and I can’t shake Trenton from my mind. He destroyed my clear, carefree thoughts and the rest of the day, he swirled my mind. I hate myself for allowing it, for not being able to shut it off or distract myself.
On the way home from work, Brian texts me and says he’s bringing Lucas home around five—right at dinner time. I want to argue with him and say I know he’s doing it on purpose, but there isn’t a point to the matter. He doesn’t know my schedule even though my routines from when we lived together haven’t changed. He wasn’t ever home to witness them, so
how would he know now?
I shower, throw some makeup on because…well, just because, and start cooking dinner—baked chicken with mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese, Brian’s favorite, because I’m in a spiteful mood.
I’m reaching into the fridge when the front door bursts open and Lucas comes strolling into the house. I abandon everything and rush to him to give him a hug like I haven’t seen him in weeks.
“Umm…mom? You’re kind of choking me here?” His voice is muffled by my arms.
Quickly, I let loose. “I just…” I pull him right back into my chest. “I missed you so much.”
“I was gone two days,” he tells me in a laugh.
“What? Am I not allowed to miss you…?” The ending of my question slows when I notice Brian smiling and watching me. I let go of Lucas. “Thanks for bringing him home.” I feel weird for saying that since Lucas’ home is his home too.
He glances behind me and then points into the living room. “May I come in?”
Warning bells chime in my head. “No. Maybe another time.”
He looks wounded as he shifts on his feet. “Okay. Well, have a good night.”
“You too.” I shut the door.
Does the uncomfortable feeling ever go away?
Lucas heads to his room to put his things up and quickly jumps in the shower before dinner. You’d think after experiencing the most awkward of awkwardnesses with Brian, my thoughts would be of him, but you’d be wrong. Instead, my head lands right back into Trenton-ville and for an instant, I wonder if he’s thinking of me too.
Lucas slides in his socks across the linoleum floor and into the table just as I turn and place his plate on it.
“Dad took me to the ice skating rink,” he says after we say our blessing.
It catches me off guard, but I don’t let the hurt simmer to the top. “Did you have fun?”
“I’m a better soccer player than hockey. I can’t stay up. Neither can Dad,” he titters.