by TC Matson
“I…I don’t know what to think about all this.” I begin to cry.
“What’s there to think about?”
“He…” I stop, glancing toward the ceiling, urging my tears to slow.
“Words, Angel. All he’s ever given you are words. Pay attention to actions. Mine are fucking clear. Don’t look behind you. Don’t look where you’ve been. I’m standing in front of you again begging you to see me.”
“I do see you,” I say.
“What do you see?”
“Happiness,” I tell him.
The corners of his lips twitch but then he frowns. “Then why the hell am I standing here begging you to be with me?”
“You aren’t.”
“Then tell me, Riley, what the hell am I doing?”
I blink away my tears bringing him back in focus. “I think I need a break.”
His hazels flash wide with anger. “He devastated you and he’s about to do it again.”
I shake my head. “I just need time to think.”
“About what?” he snaps. “What exactly do you need to fucking think about?”
I blink.
He exhales a frustrated breath. “You don’t need a break. You don’t need to think. You have the answers. You’re just not listening. He saw how you looked at me. How we are as a couple. That’s his driving point behind all this. Jealousy is eating him alive. He’s willing to tell you anything you want to hear. He doesn’t want you to move on without him, but he expects to move on without you.”
“That’s not fair. I—”
“I warned you I don’t play fair, Angel.”
“I didn’t say I’m going back to him. I just…”
“He’s succeeded with words. To clutter up your thoughts and wipe me out of them.”
I look down to my feet when he finally releases me.
“I filled the empty void that he left with happiness, hope, and intimacy. I gave you a new reason to smile. You gave me a fucking reason to smile. I give you all this for that fucker to waltz back in and steal it away. Those tears…you haven’t done that since I’ve been with you. They’re the last things I ever want to see on your face. And if he was man enough to admit it, he’d know you are in better hands than his. Instead, he wants to make sure everyone around him suffers. It’s a fucking shame your next devastation will be delivered by your own hands.” He fumes.
He starts toward the door and I call out. “Don’t leave.”
A sad smile contorts his lips. “I don’t have much to stay for.”
“I never said I didn’t want to be with you,” I sputter through tears rushing toward him.
“If I did my job right, you wouldn’t need time alone. I’d be the very person you run to.” He places the softest kiss to my cheek and then disappears behind the door.
I gulp between my sobs. The vison of the door morphs into a black blob through my tears. Desolation crumbles around me and I fall to the couch, dropping my face into my hands, and bawl.
Why is this happening to me?
Chapter 28
Today—morning sucked. Work sucks. Last night sucked. Yesterday went by as a scorching blur. I was a zombie, a vacant lifeless shell walking around the house while being forced to give Lucas an imitation smile. And when night fell, I feared sleep. As I laid with my pillow tightly against my chest, my heart ached, personal sorrow rained around me. I cried harder than I ever have, unsure the direction I should go.
I came to work without a smidgen of focus. I feel like broken glass with sharp edges, shattered and without reason. Tired of fighting it and needing a friend, I head to April’s office. She looks up from her papers when I knock.
“You got a minute?” My voice trembles.
“Shut the door behind you. What’s wrong?”
“We broke up.” I begin to cry.
“What?” she exclaims jumping from her seat and rushing to me. “What the hell happened?”
I tell her what happened from the moment Trenton and I got home to Brian’s phone call and where it ended with him walking away. My hands are clenched tightly in my lap, tear drops splashing them.
“You’ve gotten yourself into one fucked up situation. What does your heart say, Riley?”
I glare up at her from underneath my wet, matted lashes. “If it was that easy, do you think I’d be here…” I spread my arms. “Here in your office crying?”
“Want to know my opinion?”
I nod, dropping my head back down.
“Set up a meeting with Brian. Not at the house. Somewhere in public. And you two talk about everything that needs to be talked about. Get every damn thing out in the open. Once it’s there, you’ll know what to do.”
“You think so?”
“But you have to hold on to reality, the realness of it all. Don’t fall into deception. Don’t seek something that’s nonexistent. You need the raw truth to burn you.”
Friday
Today’s the day I told Brian I wanted to meet him.
I’ve wandered through this week suffering from an agonizing torment threatening to devour my existence. Dodging questions from Lucas about Trenton all week has been difficult. Having to pretend all is okay and that we’re just busy has added additional distress.
I drop Lucas off with April and she lights a fire in me with a small pep talk—Don’t fall for smooth words and unjust actions. Demand answers and feel your heart out. Most importantly, look at him. Really look at him.
And it’s the very thing I plan to do. I want answers. I deserve them. My heart requires them.
I’m a basket case as I stroll into the little burger joint ten minutes away from April’s. Brian smiles somberly when he spots me and hugs me as I approach the table.
“I’m glad you called me. I got you a tea,” he says.
Now that I’m here, I’m not so sure I completely understand why.
“You look good.”
I sharpen my eyes. “Don’t try to butter me up. I didn’t come here for that.”
He folds his hands on the edge of the table. “I’m not buttering you up. It was a compliment from my heart.”
“I want everything to be truthful. I’ve earned it.”
“I promise.” He nods.
“What happened with her? Was she the reason everything changed?”
His brows raise. “We’re jumping right into everything?”
I cock my head to the side glaring at him.
He gets the warning. Utter understanding and complete vanquish saturate his expression. “She’s the secretary for the steel company. We cross paths a lot and on a normal basis, we speak daily.” He pauses, running his thumb through the condensation on his glass. “The thought of being with someone else, what it would be like, and would it be any different started consuming me. We had been together for so many years, everything had become stagnant. It left me wondering if there was something else.”
And to think I laid in bed with him.
“Did anything happen between you two?”
He glances away, diverting his attention to anything but me. I don’t budge. I’m not going to.
He stretches his neck. “Not at first. I don’t know what happened but one day I kissed her.”
That stings.
“I regretted it. Damn I regretted it. But as the day went on…” He bounces his head from side to side. “I took her out to lunch that day and made out.”
That fucking stings.
“After that, I knew what I did was wrong. I never wanted to put myself back in the position because you meant more to me than to screw it up like that. I didn’t tell you, but God knows how badly I wanted to. I wanted to confess everything. You deserved to know, but I was petrified of the outcome.”
“How long did I look like the idiot?”
“It’s not like that, Ri.”
“Explain to me what it’s like.”
“I missed our excitement. I tried finding it with you, but our schedules never balanced out.”
“I was a stay-at-home mom. A fucking housewife, Brian. My schedule was always the same,” I quietly grit out.
“I hated watching you try so hard to fix us and despised myself for causing so much disruption.”
“You used to lie in the bed and promise me the world. You swore you wouldn’t ever be that guy who cheated. But here you are confessing.”
“It’s not like I slept with her.”
There’s always subtle indications. Being with him for so long, I learned all of him, his body movements, the slightest change of habit…I might have been blind as fuck when I was with him, but I’m sitting across from him with a clear head, and I see exactly what I need to see.
“What stopped you from sleeping with her that day? I know it wasn’t me. I was the farthest from being on your mind. So, what stopped you?” I squint, belting him with an intrusive stare.
“That doesn’t matter.”
I lick my lips and lean in closer. “What. Stopped. You?” I ground out each word, one by one through teeth clenched so tightly, it sets my jaw ablaze.
He drops his view. “Dad walked up to the truck,” he answers melancholy.
“Your dad?” I question disdainfully. “Not me, but your dad. Not your son or your family at home, but your dad?”
“Shit just happened. It got out of control. I don’t have a good excuse.”
“I’d say. You’ve been with her since we split,” I say straightforward.
Smugness spreads on his lips. “What’s happened since we’ve split is none of your business.”
My jaw ticks with an anger. I’m not jealous. I’m mad. Mad that I’m just now finding out the very person I slaved my heart and soul to disposed of it like it was nothing. I meant nothing in a time of temptation. I’m so unimportant, my respect I’ve earned was hurled aside.
“What about you?” he asks.
“Me?” I snap, pointing to myself. “Well, I was at home keeping it together so you could go gallivanting around with your dick.”
He closes his eyes in frustration. “How’d you and Trenton come about?”
“I had the decency not to cheat on you.” I smirk like the devil. “Besides, what’s happened since you kicked me out isn’t any of your business.”
If looks could kill, I’d be hanging in a meat locker.
He rubs his chin. “I’ve made my mistakes. I’ve come clean. I want you back. I want us back, Ri.”
I twirl my straw in the tea between the chucks of ice watching a tiny tornado rush through the liquid. Even with him in front of me, only one person rests on my mind—Trenton. My heart is beating for him and I’m here wasting my time with Brian.
I pull my purse into my lap. “I let way too many years pass by as I stayed devoted to you. You stopped respecting me. You quit loving me when I never did. I worked. I tried with all my might to keep us together, but it was all in vain. I wasted so much of my damn time off in an imaginary illusion. I love where I’m at now. I wake up every morning knowing I’m no longer exhausting myself with a man who only says he loves me. That matters to me. Because of you, I threw away years I could’ve given to someone that I mattered to.” I bite off bitterly, standing and tugging the strap of my purse over my shoulder.
“I want to marry you,” he jerks to his feet.
I smile as tenderly as I can possibly muster. “I’m glad you never asked me. All this time apart was the best blessing I could’ve ever asked for.”
He snatches my arm turning me back toward him. Intense eyes dart between mine. “Do you love him?”
It’s a sobering question. I pull my shoulders back, ripping my arm out of his hand, and set my jaw. “Yes,” I answer truthfully.
Me: Call me please.
Me: I need to talk to you.
I’ve tried calling and texting Trenton but all of them are going unanswered. I had a revelation while I listened to Brian explain how he threw everything away over boredom. I realized, I’d never do that to Trenton, and I know without a doubt, he wouldn’t let things run stagnate between us. He would never let me doubt where his heart lies. So much that he hasn’t even told me he loves and I already feel it in my every heartbeat.
I’m frantic as I drive to his house, disregarding speed limits and zigzagging through traffic. Cars are smears, houses are ink blobs.
I yank my car into his driveway and slam my Honda in park, racing toward his house. My feet pound the sidewalk and then bound up the steps of his front porch.
I’m out of breath when he finally answers. “I don’t need to think,” I say. “I know my answer. It’s been in front of me. It’s you. And I want to be with you. I know this more than anything.”
The muscles of his jaw tighten before he speaks. “What makes you so sure?”
“I met with Brian today to talk. And all I could think about was you and how I was wasting my time hearing what he had to say instead of spending it with you, someone who means something to me. Everything that came out of his mouth meant nothing. You make me feel. You give me a reason to smile. It’s been you putting one on my face and allowing me to carry it even when you’re not around. It’s been you the whole time.” I’m desperate for him to understand the sheer sincerity.
Emotionless, he hasn’t moved.
“I don’t want anyone else. I want you. I know that now more than I ever have. It’s so clear.”
His lips form a straight line. “I’m sorry, Riley. I can’t compete with a past you continue to look back at. I—”
“I’m done looking back,” I plea. “There’s nothing back there. You’re in front of me. I want to be with you.”
He clears his throat and peers at his feet for a fleeting moment. When he looks back up, my world begins collapsing around me as I see the pain about to be delivered to me. “I don’t, Riley. Things just won’t work out between us. I’m sorry.”
“What?” I choke.
The door shuts causing the black paint to conquer my only view of hope. My chest constricts, extracting the air from my lungs. Numbness clouds my body, spreading to my feet like a wildfire. Broken torment shatters my heart, leaving it in pieces.
I gasp, but no matter the amount I try taking in, I can’t catch my breath. A painful confusion slams into me like a searing bolt of lightning, projecting a reckless weakness and spiraling out of control. I stumble backward and somehow make it to my car.
I don’t know how I got here, behind the wheel. I don’t remember starting my car or backing out of his driveway. Hot streams singe my cheeks. I shouldn’t be driving.
“Sooo, how’d it go?” April answers singing.
“I—” I choke trying to form words through a strangled throat.
“Riley? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I can hear her panic, but it’s muffled. “Honey?” she calls out for me again.
“Trenton’s done with me,” I sob. “He doesn’t want to be with me.”
“Where are you?” she rushes out. “Pull over. I’m coming to get you.”
“I just left his house,” I weep.
“You don’t need to drive like this. Pull over. I’m on my way to get you.”
“Can Lucas stay with you?” I manage to say.
“Yes. Of course. Are you sure you don’t want me to come? What happened?”
The light turns red and I stop, dropping my head to my steering wheel. “I want to be alone,” I say as my breath begins leveling out.
“What happened?” she repeats.
“Trenton said he didn’t want to be with me,” I snub, my voice forlorn. “I’ll get Lucas tomorrow.”
“Call me if you need me. You sure you don’t want me to come over? I’ll call Jeff and—”
“I just want to be alone. Please.”
Chapter 29
The past two weeks have gone by like a fog settling on the San Francisco Bay. I can see the lights, but they’re out of focus with silhouettes in the distance. Brian has left me alone. No calls. No texts. Nothing. And I couldn’t be more grateful for it. I only talk to him when h
e picks up Lucas. He carries a different tone, one proving he’s come to the conclusion of the damage done and there isn’t any hope. I’m assuming Lucas told him about Trenton and me breaking up. In an odd twist, he apologized saying he screwed up my happiness again. I would’ve believed his remorseful apology if his eyes didn’t carry happiness. I wanted to smack him, but I took the high road and accepted it.
It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I should’ve realized what I was doing before actually doing it.
I haven’t contacted Trenton regardless of the ache to. Even on the nights I’m wide awake, staring at the ceiling, or crying into my pillow, I resist the urge. The heartbreak is devastating and now I completely understand what he meant when he said it would be me delivering it to myself. I hate myself for it. I hate my thoughts got muddy. My hurt has been unbearable.
In the dictionary, the word emptiness is defined as the state of containing nothing; vacant or unoccupied; hollow and meaningless. Nowhere does it state the severe abundance of pain, reverting into an erosion of one’s deprived heart.
One last look in the mirror and the reflection lies. I resemble a young woman in her late-twenties, happy and ready to have fun. My hair is in a high ponytail and I’m of course, dressed comfortably casual with a brown long-sleeved shirt and tan heels. But if you look closely, underneath the makeup covering the worn-out appearance and dark circles under my eyes, through my fake smile, you’d see the truth. I’m completely broken.
April honks and I gather my things, heading out to her. A sexy but soft perfume immediately surrounds me when I drop into her Mercedes.
“You’re looking good,” she says.
“I’d say the same about you but I can’t see you through all the perfume,” I snort, trying to make myself get in a better mood. This wasn’t my plan to go out, but she strong-armed me into it, leaving me without a choice. Besides, that’s what friends are for, right?