by Guy Lilburne
“It’s not a blind date Norris. I’ve got a date, but she wants to bring her best friend along - so I need you to come along too, just to keep her mate entertained. You don’t have to do anything. Just be there and be your usual charming self. Please Norris. I really like this girl. I’ve known her for a while and I really like her. It has taken this long to just get to the dating stage. I really think this girl could be the one and I mean that most sincerely.”
“Well, who is this girl?”
“Her name is Tip.”
“And I’m guessing that she is a bar girl?”
“No, no, no. No, not a bar girl at all. Well, she does work in a bar. That is where I met her, but she isn’t a bar girl.”
“If she works in a bar then she is a bar girl. Just pay her bar fine and fuck her if you like her that much.”
“Actually, she is more of a cashier and she is really nice. I’ve never seen her go out with a customer. Tonight is her night off and she has agreed to go out with me for a meal and a drink, but she is a bit shy and wanted to bring her friend along. So I agreed and said I’d ask you to come too.”
“Have you ever been to the bar and she was not there?”
“Actually, I have a few times.”
“Did you ask where she was?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And what did the other bar girls say?”
“Well, there were always different reasons. Sometimes it was her night off. One time she was sick and another time she had to go and help her friend who had a problem. Once, she wasn’t there for a whole week, when she had to go back home up country to see her mother.”
“Did you hever consider that she was just away from the bar with punters and the other girls were just covering for ’er?”
“No, to be honest, I didn’t. She isn’t like that and the other girls wouldn’t do that anyway. Please Norris. It would mean a lot to me and I mean that most sincerely.”
“OK lad. I’ll go. Give me a ring later and let me know when and where.”
Norris had heard it all before. Terry wore his heart on his sleeve and fell in love a lot on almost a monthly, if not weekly basis. Although these feelings were meant at the time, it never seemed to come to anything and were quickly forgotten when the next girl came along.
Terry broke into a broad grin and was about to thank Norris when his grin suddenly disappeared and changed to a look of sheer terror. There was a loud rumbling sound coming from Terry’s stomach which was quickly drowned out by an even louder farting sound coming from his backside.
“Shit,” said Terry grabbing the back of his shorts with one hand in an attempt to stop the flow of the acrid brown fluid that was seeping from his backside. “I’ve just followed through with that one. Got to go matey. See you tonight and thanks a lot.”
The vile smell of diarrhoea instantly surrounded Terry and spread around the bar. Terry dashed out of the bar and trotted off along the Soi holding the back of his shorts.
“Fucking hell,” boomed Sloany. “That is fucking disgusting. He has just shit all over my bar.”
“Well, he ’asn’t shit. He just farted.”
“No Norris! You are wrong.” Sloany marched over to where Norris was standing and pointed to the floor. “There are diarrhoea splatters on the floor. That’s shit. What do you think it is, Scotch mist?”
“More like Scotch eggs. You know he can’t eat eggs Sloany and you served him,” chipped in John.
“I’m going to have to have this place professionally cleaned and fumigated now and he’s going to pay for it………and he’s fucking banned. Dirty bastard.”
Sloany continued to rant while Tuk mopped the floor and sprayed some air freshener. Sloany fell into rants easily and he did it a lot about the slightest thing. He had big chips on his shoulder and the world owed him a living. The slightest inconvenience or the first thing that didn’t go his way was taken very personally by Sloany and his first reaction to any upset was to ban the offender. Everyone in Sloany’s bar had been banned many times. Nobody except Sloany took it very seriously, because he would usually calm down in a day or two. Sloany sulked and everyone else played dominos.
They were a player short because of Terry’s premature departure, but it didn’t matter. They could play Maltese cross instead of the usual chipping out. The bones (Dominos) were shuffled and Old Tony had the double six so it was his down. He slammed it hard onto the table with his usual bang. Game on!
Terry waddled back to his room, threw his pants, shorts, shoes and socks into a bucket for soaking. After an initial burst on the toilet he showered before sitting back on the toilet, reading the latest book by James Newman, as the Guinness and the eggs dripped out of him along with the rest of his stomach contents. The relief was immense.
Terry was waiting in a bar on Second Road for Norris at 8:00pm as arranged. He had no ill effects from his earlier stomach upset. He sat at the bar on a barstool, dressed in a long sleeved yellow shirt, green trousers and braces and yellow shoes. His aftershave was strong, but the Thai girls working in the bar seemed to like it. Several girls made the effort to go over to him and call him a handsome man, while they rubbed him between his legs and tried to illicit a lady drink from him. Terry smiled, flirted, laughed and joked with all of them, but nobody was going to get an overpriced lady drink from this ex-pat. That was just for the holiday makers.
Norris turned up at the bar at 8:15pm. He didn’t believe in making anywhere near as much effort in his appearance as Terry did, so he looked his usual minimal effort self. But he was looking forward to his blind date now the time had come.
“Evening Norris. Thanks for coming matey.”
“ ’iya. So what does this girl look like?”
“To be honest Norris I have never met her. I just know she is a friend of Tip’s and Tip wanted to bring her along on the date. Tip told me that they are sisters, but all Thai girls say that about anyone who is a friend. So I just don’t know Norris.”
“Where are we meeting them?”
“Well, actually, we are going to meet them at the ten pin bowling over the road. But not until 8:45pm. So we have got time for a drink. What do you want matey? It’s my treat.”
“Large Leo.”
At 8:45pm the two friends were crossing Second Road towards The Avenue Pattaya to meet their dates for a game of bowls and a dinner date. Terry saw Tip waiting at the bottom of the concrete stairs that led up to the ten pin bowling. She was standing on her own.
“Oh! I hope her mate has turned up Norris, now that you have come along with me. But it’s not looking good, matey. Tip is over there on her own.”
“I hope so too. I didn’t even want to come out on this date. I’m doing it for you.”
Tip saw Terry and broke into a huge grin. She ran the few paces towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Wow! Tee rak you look handsome mak mak.”
“You’re not looking so bad yourself and I mean that most sincerely. Tip this is my friend Norris. He has come to meet your friend. Is she still coming tonight?”
“Yes. Noy here already. She go look shoe. Maybe Norris buy for she. I think Noy will love Norris very much.” Tip giggled and put her delicate hand over her mouth in faux shyness.
“There is no chance of that luv,” said Norris with no hint of a smile.
Tip saw her friend walking towards them and gave out a shriek, as if she hadn’t seen her friend for years, instead of the five minutes that she had been away looking at shoes.
“This my friend Noy. She my sister.”
Norris and Terry looked around at the figure approaching them and the smiles on their faces disappeared without trace.
“Fucking ’ell,” whispered Norris.
“Oh dear!” said Terry.
Noy was a
lady boy and not the prettiest lady boy in Pattaya. She was bigger than the usual lady boy and her skin was a lot darker. She was also a lot taller than both Terry and Norris in her six inch heels. Her only redeeming feature as far as Terry and Norris could see was that she had huge silicone breasts and a nice smile. But there was nothing elegant, petite or feminine about this lady boy. She was wearing a short black dress, which just about covered her bottom.
“Oh! She looks lovely Norris,” said Terry, with the sincerity of a politician.
“Fuck off. She looks like Frank Bruno in a frock.”
“Norris, this my sister Noy. She very nice and funny and she like you mak mak.”
Noy wai’d to Norris.
“ ’ello. Okay, let’s get this over with.”
Norris started walking up the wide concrete steps towards the bowling lanes. Noy quickly stepped alongside him and linked arms with him. Terry and Tip held hands and walked up the stairs behind them and Terry couldn’t help but notice that Noy was wearing little lacy black panties that were struggling to contain her penis and testicles.
Terry laughed out loud and said,
“Sorry about that, but I have just remembered a funny story that somebody told me today.”
“What’s that?” asked Norris.
“Oh! I’ve forgotten it again now,” said Terry, still unable to contain his laughter.
“Fucking ’ell!” said Norris and they all went inside to play ten pin bowling.
The four of them put on the bowling shoes, ordered drinks and were given a lane. Tip entered their names into the machine that would keep their scores. As usual nobody paid any attention to the lady boy. Well, except for a few holiday makers, but the Thais and ex-pats had seen it all before. Lady boys in Thailand were as common as 7 eleven shops, PTT garages and Tesco Lotus Express shops!
As it turned out Noy was actually quite funny. She just looked like an ugly woman with huge breasts, who had a great sense of humour and a deep voice! Norris and Terry were both impressed when she bought a round of drinks. On top of all that she was good at bowls and got more than her fair share of strikes. Whenever she did she wasn’t shy about ‘Whooping’ and jumping and dancing around before giving high fives to each of the others. People looked on and smiled. She was good fun and very entertaining.
It was all the jumping around which caused the incident. Well, not so much as an incident - more of a wardrobe malfunction. To be more precise - a wardrobe malfunction in the knickers department. Her right testicle had slipped out of her panties. When Norris first noticed it he thought that it was some kind of growth or even a tumour.
Terry pointed out,
“No mate. I’m being serious, that’s her bollock, and I mean that most sincerely.”
“ ’er own bowling ball!”
They both fell about laughing and continued to laugh every time Noy bent over to bowl, or jumped up or danced around and flashed it. Noy was happy that they were all getting along so well and having such a good time. Terry and Norris had tears running down their cheeks and Norris was holding his not unsubstantial sides. Tip spoiled the fun when she noticed the protruding testicle and told Noy who quickly popped it back in. Tip then told Terry and Norris off for not saying anything.
“We didn’t notice,” laughed Terry. Before turning to Norris and whispering. “Sloany would have been stuck up that like a rat up a drain pipe.”
“Well, you don’t know that.”
“Come on Norris. Everyone knows.”
“It’s never been proved and he always says ’ow much he hates them and the men who go out with them.”
“He protests a little too much, methinks!”
The testicle incident, or Bollockgate as Terry called it, did break the ice and, after bowling, they went and had a meal. After that they went dancing at various bars along Walking Street. It was the early hours before Norris got tired and decided to go home. Noy got chatted up by a young man from Sweden who was on holiday. After buying her a few drinks he charmed her into agreeing to go back to his hotel room with him on the promise of 1000 baht, which he had to pay upfront!
Terry took Tip back to his room and didn’t have to pay anything, but he gave her 500 baht anyway because he liked her. With paying for her bowling, drinks, meal and entry into some of the clubs it had only cost him 4000 baht. But as far as Terry was concerned, Tip wasn’t a bar girl and he thought that he was falling in love with her. Another night in paradise!
Chapter 6: The Radio DJ
As first day’s at work go, starting work at Pattaya 205FM Radio didn’t seem a very stressful one to Simon Smith. He had rung the station when he arrived in Pattaya and offered to go in to meet everyone, but, after the Thai lady who answered the phone spoke to someone else, she told Simon not to bother and just to turn up an hour before his first show. He had only been in Thailand for two days and had yet to sort out his own transport. Besides that he didn’t know exactly where the radio station was, so it was going to have to be a taxi ride to the radio station.
Simon actually looked like an out of work actor. It was a look that he didn’t dislike. He had cultivated it over many years from hanging out with other out of work actors. He didn’t know how to look like a radio DJ and he wouldn’t know until he met some real life ones. But he was sure that, after he saw how they dressed and observed their mannerisms, he could rely on his acting skills and at least look the part.
So Simon walked down the steep stairs in the narrow, dark and orange painted hallways to the café/reception area of his accommodation dressed in brown cords and a white shirt. The tweed jacket was held carefully over one shoulder to look casual! Anywhere else in the world it might have been a good look, but in Pattaya on a hot morning and dripping with sweat it didn’t quite look as good as Simon wanted it to look. He asked the girl sitting at the reception desk/ kitchen counter to ring a taxi. She did and charged the call to his room. As he waited in the shade of the café for the taxi to arrive he looked at all the farangs walking past with young Thai ladies and wondered how many of these people would be his Pattaya 205FM audience. Nobody seemed to be listening to any radios. He wasn’t nervous about starting his new job. He was excited. The taxi arrived and drove him for about 20 minutes across the city and across the Sukhumvit Road to a small Soi.
Simon’s first impression of the Pattaya 205FM building was one of surprise and not in a good way. It was a very narrow building, just about the width of the wooden front door and a small window, which had the words ‘Pattaya 205FM’ handwritten in white paint. He looked up and saw that the first floor had blacked out windows. Until that moment he hadn’t really known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t what he was now confronted with. He realized that somewhere in the back of his mind he had envisaged a modern glass building with great lighting, big signs and maybe photos of the DJs hanging along the walls of the reception area. He paid the taxi driver and gave him a 20 baht tip. Simon had applied for the job over the internet and had got the job without even having an interview. At the time it had massaged his ego. He thought that he had landed a great new job and branched out into a whole new career because he had such a good CV, slightly padded out as all actors need to do. But all the TV, film and theatre credits were real. Now, as he was about to open the door and walk into the building, he was having second thoughts. It might have been a big mistake, but he comforted himself with the thought that at least he had a contract and he was going to get paid in spite of his first impressions of the radio station. He was already thinking about how he could make this gig look so much better on his CV than it was in real life. He held his breath and opened the door and walked inside. It was a relief to be out of the hot sunshine. Inside was dark and cool. As a reception area it was underwhelming. The walls were painted green. There was an air conditioning unit on the far wall, which was noisy, but blew out refreshing cool air. For some reason th
ere was an old wooden wardrobe with one door missing. The only other furniture was an old wooden desk behind which sat a not so old and very attractive Thai lady. She was playing a game on her mobile phone, but dropped it on the desk next to a plate of Som tam. She jumped up to wai to Simon as soon as he walked in. Her speed made him jump slightly, but he quickly recovered and wai’d back to her. She smiled and Simon realized just how attractive she was. He guessed that she was probably in her early twenties. She wasn’t just attractive - she was beautiful.
“Sawadee Kha Khun Simon. My name is Pom. Very nice to meet you. You very famous. You can write name for me? I print out your photo from internet.”
Pom opened a drawer in the desk and pulled out a poor quality printed photograph of Simon. It was a promotion photo from a few years ago. Simon nodded and smiled and signed it to Pom with love from Simon Smith. Pom beamed a huge smile and quickly pinned it to the remaining wardrobe door.
“I take you go see big boss Mr. Mark.” Pom waved to Simon to follow her and she turned and walked through a corridor which seemed longer than the small building should have allowed. Simon couldn’t help but notice what a great body Pom had. Her short skirt just about managed to cover her bottom against all the odds. Mr. Mark was actually Mark Rodgers - the owner and managing director of Pattaya 205FM Radio.
Pom knocked on his office door and then opened it before she got a reply. Simon was shocked when he first saw Mark Rodgers and, for the briefest of moments, it stopped him in his tracks. He had to make a conscious effort to unfreeze his body and walk towards the man who was now standing up behind his desk with his hand held out for a handshake. It wasn’t that Mark Rodgers was an exceptionally large man - somewhere in the region of 30 stone. It was the fact that he was dressed in a loose fitting white dress with a big rose pattern on it. He also had some sort of big growth in the middle of his forehead that resembled a small penis and it wobbled when he nodded or moved his head. There were a hundred thoughts that tumbled around inside Simon’s brain, like clothes in a dryer on fast spin. He got his focus back and realized that Mark Rodgers was introducing himself.