by Guy Lilburne
“Hello Simon. I’m Mark Rodgers. Delighted to meet you!” His voice didn’t match his image - it was cultured and educated. He sounded posh.
Simon shook his hand.
“Hello,” he said, trying not to stare at the growth on the forehead or the flowery dress.
“Please sit down,” said Mark as he lowered himself back into his own chair.
“Right Simon, let’s put our cards on the table. What do you see when you see me?”
Simon hesitated and stammered slightly while he tried to think of something nice or positive to say.
“A businessman?”
“Yes. A businessman with a vision - a businessman with a dream. A businessman who is not afraid to push boundaries and to be different - to make a difference. I am happy to have you as part of the team. You have all the qualities that I am looking for. Together we are going to build the best radio station in Thailand. Any questions?”
There were so many questions spinning around inside Simon’s head. He could only ask the ones that stayed in his conscious thought process long enough to be asked.
“Erm, how many people are on ‘The Team’?”
“Pom and you and me, of course. I count myself as part of the team.”
“Pom, the receptionist and me?”
“Actually, Pom is the station manager.”
“What about the other DJs?”
“There aren’t any. It’s all recorded music and adverts. Pom produces all the tapes and we play 24 hours a day. We are struggling with sponsors and advertisers, but I’m hoping that will improve now that we have a live DJ for the morning slot.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You were the best candidate to apply.”
“How many applied?”
“Two.”
“Two?”
Mark nodded and the penis shaped growth on his forehead bobbed up and down. Simon pretended not to notice and tried not to laugh.
“Yes, but I am confident that you would have still secured the position no matter how many had applied.”
“Because I had the qualities that you were looking for?”
“Yes.”
“Which were what exactly?”
“I’ll be honest with you. You have done enough things in the past to have a Google and Wikipedia profile and you were the cheapest. You are going to be good for the station. I can see you working closely with Pom to develop this radio station and, if you can, that would be fantastic.”
“And if we can’t?”
“I own this radio station because my accountant told me to buy it. It alleviates my tax responsibilities, both here and in the UK. So, in answer to your question, it really doesn’t matter if the station actually makes any money or not. But it would be a bonus if it did. In the meantime everybody is happy.”
“Okay!”
“Pom will show you around the place. You can see how she produces the tapes and prepare for your first live show tomorrow morning. Pom is also the programme producer.”
Mark leaned forward and shook Simon’s hand. Simon stood up to go and find Pom.
“Why didn’t you ask about my dress?”
“I didn’t know that I was supposed to.”
Mark laughed and his whole body wobbled. The growth on his head swung from side to side.
“I’m not a cross dresser. I just wear big dresses when I’m at work or at home, because of my size. They are just the most comfortable things to wear. I wear proper clothes if I have to go outside.”
“No problem.”
“I know this might not be the set up that you were expecting Simon, but I know that you can make a go of it.”
Simon nodded and left the office. Pom’s beautiful smile cheered him up and he enjoyed the next few hours spending time with her. She showed him how to operate the dated technology in the radio booth. She also showed him how she produced the taped shows that filled 20 hours of each day. Simon made some of his own sound bites for his show and he was actually getting excited about performing live the following morning. He decided to see out the three month contract and see what happened.
Chapter 7: Just another day in Thailand
After his first morning looking around Pattaya 205FM, Simon found himself wandering around Pattaya looking for a bar to relax and have a drink. He walked past The Sloan Square Bar. He recognized the four old men who he had seen there last time he was in the bar. He remembered the tall skinny guy with the big teeth and long white hair tucked under a white trilby and wearing an Arab robe the most, because he just stood out from the others. The four men were playing dominos and laughing a lot. Simon decided to go in for a drink and something to eat. A large man with a big face came out from behind the bar and Simon remembered him as ‘Sloany’ - the bar owner. Sloany recognized Simon too and, although he couldn’t quite remember exactly when Simon had been in his bar before, he knew that he had and he knew that it wasn’t so long ago.
“Hello mate,” he said in a strong Birmingham accent. “You still here?”
“Yes I am,” said Simon, wondering to himself why he had even bothered to answer the obvious.
“Do you want a beer?”
“Yes. A cold Chang would be great. Thanks.”
Sloany wiped the sweat from his bald head with the tea towel, which he kept habitually draped over his shoulder, before he turned and walked back behind the bar. It was his wife Tuk who brought the beer out to Simon. She placed it on the table in front of him, along with the paper bill rolled up and placed in the wooden cup. She wai’d to him and smiled.
“Sawadee Kha.”
“Hello again. Could I have a menu please?”
Tuk nodded and handed Simon a menu from a pile on top of the bar. He was still looking at the menu when Sloany came and sat at the table with him. He wiped the sweat from his head again.
“So when do you go back to England? Your holiday must be over soon!”
Simon shook his head.
“I’m not going back. I live here.”
“Oh! I thought I saw you the day you arrived on holiday.”
“No. You saw me the day I arrived to live here. I’m staying in a small hotel just around the corner. I’ll be here for at least the next three months.”
“Oh right. Well, all that stuff I was saying about lady boys, I was only joking, you know! I hate the dirty bastards.” Sloany forced out one of his loud machine gun style laughs. “They are taking over the place. When I first came out here there were just a few lady boy bars. Now there are hundreds of them. Oh no, I hate them! Make no mistake about that. No. I was in the regiment, you know? The SAS. I like to take the piss out of the lady boys. I’m glad you can see the funny side of it. You have to laugh. So you are living here?” Sloany wiped the sweat from his bald head with the tea towel.
“Yes.”
“Well, I hope you are going to be a regular in my bar.”
“I’ll try one of your full English breakfasts and let you know,” said Simon, holding his finger on a picture of a full English breakfast on the first page of the menu.
“No problem.” Sloany stood up and walked back behind the bar taking the menu with him and wiping his forehead with a tea towel as he went.
The breakfast was a lot better than it looked in the photo.
Sloany sat uninvited with Simon as he ate his food. Sloany told a few SAS war stories, which Simon didn’t believe. Sloany also told Simon that he was a sort of unofficial ‘farang’ mayor of Pattaya and he did a lot of charity work. He also arranged fishing trips and golf trips. He had a responsibility for the welfare of all the farangs in Pattaya and he collected money when a farang died to help towards funeral costs or to help their families out. Sloany talked a lot. Simon just ate and nodded occasionally when he thought that some kind of ack
nowledgement was required. He had decided that he didn’t believe a word that Sloany said, but he still liked him anyway.
Simon finished his food and wiped his mouth with the paper napkin. He took a slug from the bottle of cold beer.
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to the domino crew. They all live here too.” Sloany nodded in the direction of the men slamming down the dominos and laughing and joking as they played. Simon looked over.
“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to interrupt them. Maybe next time.”
“Come on. You’re one of us now.” Sloany stood up and walked over to the domino players.
“Boys, I want to introduce you to the newest ex-pat in Pattaya.”
The domino players stopped and looked around. Simon felt compelled to stand up and go over to them, seeing that Sloany was introducing him anyway. He stood next to Sloany as he pointed to each man sitting at the table in turn.
“This is Norris. He is a thick twat, but a good friend if you need something. This is Terry. He falls in love with a different bar girl every week and he sleeps in a brothel.”
“I don’t sleep in a brothel,” said Terry indignantly.
“You bloody do. You have got prostitutes living with you. That’s a brothel in my book. This is John. He swears a lot for no reason. I think he has got issues, if you know what I mean. The bloke sitting over there in the long white dress and the trilby is Old Tony. He talks to dead people and can tell the future, if you believe all that bollocks! Actually, me and Old Tony do have something in common. We are both ex-military. Old Tony was an RAF fighter pilot and I was in the Special Air Service.”
Simon noticed the looks that everyone flashed to each other, before flicking looks up to the ceiling. They didn’t believe him either! Sloany was oblivious and didn’t notice the looks.
“Everyone, I want you to meet my friend. Er, sorry mate. What’s your name?”
“Simon.”
“This is Simon.”
There was some nodding, some ‘hello’s’ and Simon had been introduced to ‘The Domino Crew’, or ‘The Posse’ as Sloany called them.
“Nice to meet you all.”
“Do you play dominos?” asked Old Tony.
“You should already know that if you’re a psychic,” said Sloany, booming out a loud laugh.
“Yes. I have been known to play, but a long time ago.”
“Do you want to join us?” said Terry, pushing out a chair.
“Oh thank you, but not today. Maybe next time, but thank you anyway.”
“No problem.” Terry pointed an index finger and used it to push his glasses further up towards the bridge of his nose.
Simon returned to his table and the domino game continued.
After finishing his beer he left the bar and waved goodbye to his new friends.
It was still only early afternoon, but Sloany was bored sitting around the bar. He told his wife Tuk that he had to go and see a friend who was having a lot of problems. He told her that he would only be an hour and he took a key from the big bunch of Honda Click keys that were kept behind the bar. Tuk was angry that he was just leaving her to do all the work, but it was an emotion that she was subjected to on most days. She didn’t say anything to Sloany as he walked out of the bar. She didn’t even watch him walk out. She just looked at him with as much loathing as she could muster when he spoke and then shrugged her shoulders and walked back into the kitchen.
Sloany was heading to the north end of the city. His destination was Soi Six but his first stop was the Dream Massage parlour. He liked Dream Massage because it was cheaper than anywhere else. He could have a massage and sex for 750 baht. After an hour he came out of the massage shop and went into the pharmacy next door to buy Viagra, before continuing on his way to Soi Six - commonly referred to as Soi SEX by the ex-pats who live in Pattaya.
Soi Six was full of bars where you could get anything you could ever dream of - and a lot of things that you may never have dreamed of. Sloany parked up and walked along the Soi. A few girls dressed in not much sat outside their bars with a few holiday makers. But Sloany was only interested in going inside one of the darkened bars where all the action was happening. He liked the Sweet Pussy Bar, because the girls wore the tiniest bikinis and the lady boys were topless. Huge silicone breasts seemed to fill the bar. It was always busy and it was always ‘Happy Hour’.
Sloany nodded to the girls outside and pointed to one of them to follow him inside. She wai’d to him and picked up her handbag and followed him inside. Sloany sat at his usual table in the corner. The bar was dark. It took time for his eyes to adjust to the dim light before he could see anybody else in the bar. The music was soft and low. Men sat around on low sofas, while girls or lady boys gave them oral sex. It was what the ex-pats called a ‘skull bar’ because, even sitting at the bar, someone would give you head! Obviously full sexual intercourse was available either in the bar or, if you were shy, then upstairs in one of the short time rooms. There was an extra charge for the room!
“You want some drink?” said the slim girl who had followed Sloany into the bar.
“Yes. Get me a beer Chang and you and the lady boy with the big tits at the bar can come and take care. Okay?”
The girl nodded and went to the bar. She spoke to the lady boy with the huge breasts. She looked over at Sloany and they waved to each other. The girl returned to Sloany’s table with the beer and the lady boy. The beer went on the table and the girl and the lady boy went under it. They sucked and played with his penis while he drank his beer.
Sloany hadn’t returned to the Sloan Square Bar and by late afternoon the domino players had drifted away, to either eat or sleep.
Old Tony was lying on top of his bed. He was still clothed in his long white robe. His white trilby was hanging off one of the bed posts. The black trilby was hanging off the other one. For such a skinny man he had an amazingly loud snore. He had only been enjoying his drunken sleep for a few hours and didn’t hear Tuk banging on his hotel room door. The knocking continued as his mobile phone started to ring. The ringing awoke him and it was Tuk telling him to open the door.
He wiped the sleep from his eyes and moved his mouth around like a horse chewing hay, in an attempt to remove the bad taste that was lingering there. It didn’t work. He walked slowly to the door not having worked out what time it was or even what day. He opened the door and Tuk stormed in with a face like thunder.
“I hate Sloany! He bullshit too much me.”
“Hi Tuk. What time is it?”
“I not know. Maybe 9 or 10 or 11 o’clock.”
“At night or in the morning?”
“Night time. Today still Monday. Same I see you today. Sloany not come back home yet. He out all day. He say one hour.”
Tuk lifted her short skirt up and pulled down her knickers. She stepped out of them and tossed them on the bed. She hitched her skirt up over her hips and then bent over the chest of drawers. She carried on moaning about her husband while Old Tony massaged his penis until he was erect enough to slide it inside her. He established a slow but steady rhythm while he sipped some warm water from a bottle that had been left on the dressing table, before lighting up a cigarette. He blew out a long stream of thick grey smoke.
“Tell me all about it Tuk.”
“I tired too much about him all the time. He leave me in bar all day while he go out. I know he go out for fuck, for sure.”
“A marriage will always be in trouble when there is no trust.”
“I not trust him, sure.”
“You have to think about what good things you get from the marriage Tuk.”
“I get nothing good. Just bad all the time.”
“You are a very good wife to Sloany.”
“Yes. I very good.”
“He trusts you with ev
erything.”
“Because I do nothing wrong.”
“I know. And that is why he trusts you to run the business. Without you he is nothing. You are a very good wife.”
“Thank you. You make me feel better. Now I not so angry.”
The conversation went on along the same lines for some time as Old Tony got bigger and harder and pumped faster until he climaxed inside her. They both felt a little better after the advice session. It was a routine that they had been through many times before. Tuk felt calmer and a lot less concerned about Sloany. Tuk slipped out of her clothes and walked into the shower. Old Tony wiped his penis with a tissue and lay back on the bed. He lit up another cigarette and held it between his protruding nicotine stained teeth. His bony fingers took the cigarette and flicked the long ash into the dirty glass ashtray that sat on the bedside cabinet - his hands still shaking from the day’s intake of alcohol.
Tuk came out of the shower and dried herself in front of him, before putting her clothes back on. She leaned over and kissed him.
“Thank you, Pee Tony. I feel better now.”
“No problem Tuk. Anytime you need advice you know where I am.”
Tuk gave him a very high and respectful wai and let herself out. Old Tony finished his cigarette and went back to sleep.
Chapter 8: Living the Dream, a routine!
Simon had got into a routine. He presented his live radio phone-in show Monday to Friday. Nobody had actually phoned in yet, but he remained hopeful. He worked four hours a day and had weekends off. After work each day he showered and changed and went to have something to eat at The Sloan Square Bar. He had started renting Terry’s motorbike off him, which had upset Sloany, because he thought that Terry was doing him out of business. Sloany banned Terry from the bar for two days, but as usual they all made friends again. Simon had become friends with Terry, John, Old Tony, Norris and of course Sloany. Nobody had asked him what he did for a living and he didn’t bother to tell them. He doubted whether they would have even heard of Pattaya 205FM anyway. Nobody else seemed to be listening to the radio station. Terry and John seemed to be the friendliest of the domino playing group. Terry was always cracking unfunny jokes and John shouted out swear words a lot, for no apparent reason! Simon liked the whole group, but these two had become his favourites and always made him feel very welcome.