Living The Dream

by Guy Lilburne

  Simon wandered into the The Sloan Square Bar just before 1:00pm. The usual gang was all there.

  “Good morning matey,” shouted Sloany and boomed out one of his extra loud laughs.

  “Good afternoon.”

  “Time means nothing in Thailand Simon.” Another machine gun laugh followed.

  “I’ll have a Chang beer and a full English breakfast please Sloany.”

  “Breakfast!” Sloany pointed an accusing finger. “Like I said - good morning.”

  “FUCK, SHIT, BOLLOCKS!” shouted John. Everybody smiled, but nobody replied. How could they?

  After Tuk had served Simon with his beer and his breakfast, Sloany came back into the bar area and slapped his hand on the bar counter to get everyone’s attention.

  “I’ve got two announcements…….”

  Everyone groaned.

  “Listen first you moaning bastards, before you start moaning. I’m collecting some money…..”

  “Again! Who for this time?”

  “I’m collecting for an ex-pat. He’s one of us and he has died. He’d do the same for us, so dig deep you tight fisted bastards.” Sloany rattled off another laugh and wiped the sweat from his head with the usual tea towel that he always kept draped over one shoulder.

  “So, who is it who has died?” asked Old Tony taking another drag from his cigarette.

  “He’s an ex-pat from England. Been here a long time.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “John………Johnson.”

  “John Johnson!”

  “Yes! Now, come on, let’s have some money.”

  “Not Mike Mikeson or Tony Tonyson?” laughed Terry.

  “Come on. He’d do the same for you lot.”

  Sloany passed a pint pot around and everyone put 100 baht into it.

  If there was an ex-pat called John Johnson, then Sloany didn’t know him and, if he had in fact just died, it was pure coincidence. The 800 baht that Sloany had just collected from the people in the bar would be going into his own pocket. He made collections like this about three or four times a year. He didn’t think of it as a scam - more like a tax from his customers for the service he provided. A sort of secret VAT.

  “What is the other announcement? FUCK,SHIT,TWAT.” asked John.

  “I’m organizing a golf trip to Khanchanaburi.”

  “Why?”

  “It will be good fun.”

  “Nobody here plays golf.”

  “So it will be a fair game - no professionals.”

  “You don’t play golf.”

  “Like I said, it makes it fair. We are all rubbish. Come on, it’s not about the golf. It’s about a trip away with the lads. It will be fun. I’ll be paying for the golf course and the transport. You only have to pay for your hotel room and your food and beer. It’s a bargain.”

  “How much?”

  “Well, I haven’t worked out the price yet, because it depends how many people are going. I can get a great hotel deal if six of us go.”

  “When is the trip?”

  “In a couple of weeks. Go Friday afternoon and come back on Sunday.”

  There was a bit of murmuring. Sloany had organized a lot of trips in the past to various places under various excuses. They had never been as advertised, but they were usually good fun. His wife Tuk would never let Sloany have a trip away on his own, but when it was an organized trip for the customers, then it seemed to be OK.

  “Do you want to come, Simon? With me, you and this lot we’ll have the six I need to get a good deal.”

  “We haven’t said that we are going yet,” protested Norris.

  “Oh, you’ll all be going.”

  “Get us a price then.”

  Sloany walked into the kitchen at the back of the bar and logged onto his laptop. He checked Agoda for hotels in Khanchanaburi and found a cheap resort on the river for 500 baht a night. He scribbled on a piece of paper;

  ‘2 x nights = 1000 each.’

  He rang somebody on his mobile phone.

  “Hello Stan, It’s Sloany. Can I still use your mini bus next week?”

  “Yes matey. Just for a weekend, right?”

  “Yes mate. Is it still free?”

  “Yes pal. I owe you one.”

  “Thanks Stan. I’ll talk to you later.”

  Sloany walked back into the bar.

  “Right you lot. If I book it today it’s a bargain.”

  “’Ow much?” asked Norris.

  “Two nights in a 5 Star hotel - with river views and a swimming pool. Free transport there and back. Free golf for two days - including club hire. All for 2000 baht each, but you have to cough up now.”

  “That’s a good price,” said Terry, pushing his glasses further up along the bridge of his nose. “And I mean that most sincerely. How come it’s so cheap?”

  “I’ve got contacts mate. You know me. I’ve done a deal with the hotel and I’m paying for the transport and the golf.”

  “Why are you doing this for us? FUCK, SHIT, FUCK!”

  “You know me John. I like to look after my customers, because you are more than just customers. You are my friends.”

  John fished out 2000 baht from his wallet.

  “Count me in.”

  Everybody followed suit and Sloany collected 2000 baht from each person.

  “Are you interested Simon?”

  “Yes, OK. I’ll give it a go.”

  Sloany had just made himself a profit of 5000 baht. The resort rooms were certainly not 5 Star and there was not going to be any golf. He would have a collection on the day for petrol. He hadn’t quite decided what excuse he was going to come up with to explain the cheap rooms and no golf, but he wasn’t concerned. He prided himself on thinking on his feet and he knew that he would come up with something.

  Simon’s attention had been drawn to a 60 year old black man, wearing sunglasses and walking along the Soi towards the bar. What drew Simon’s attention was the fact that the man was blind and was walking with a white stick, tapping as he went. Simon spoke when he got level with the bar.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi.” The man was obviously American - from New York by the sound of his accent. He stood still and Simon guessed that he had time to talk.

  “It’s very hot today. I’m guessing you are American!”

  “It sure is and I sure am. Is this a bar? I was hoping to get a cold beer and a burger.”

  “Yes. This is a bar and they do food here, but the company is not very good!” said Simon almost apologetically.

  Both men laughed.

  “Can I join you?”

  “Yes. Please do. My name is Simon.”

  The man followed the sound of Simon’s voice, gently swinging his white stick to check for obstructions. When he was close enough he held out his hand.

  “My name is Clifford. Everyone calls me Cliff.”

  “Hello Cliff.”

  “Hi Simon.”

  The other people in the bar watched as Cliff sat down. Sloany was quick to go and welcome the new customer.

  “Hello. My name is Sloany. This is my bar,” shouted Sloany, as he did exaggerated hand movements.

  Cliff grimaced at the loud voice booming into his ear.

  “I’m Cliff. I’m blind, not deaf.”

  “Yes I know,” shouted Sloany, continuing with his made up sign language, putting one hand on his chest and pointing to his head.

  “What can I get you?”

  “I’d like a nice cold beer and some food.”

  “No problem.” Sloany put a menu down on the table in front of Cliff. It wasn‘t in Braille and Sloany didn‘t give it a thought.

  “Do you like Chan
g beer?”

  “Sounds great.”

  Sloany went and opened an ice cold Chang and took it back to Cliff with the paper bill in a bamboo cup. He put it all down next to the menu.

  “Have you decided what you want to eat yet?”

  “I’ll have a burger please.”

  “No problem.” Sloany picked up the menu and passed the order onto Tuk before returning to sit with Simon and Cliff.

  Sloany kept making up his own sign language as he spoke loudly to Cliff.

  “So!” he said as he mimed doing some sowing. “Where are you from?” He was still waving his hands around when Simon spoke.

  “You do realize that Cliff is blind?” asked Simon.

  “Yes, of course I do. And it doesn’t bother me that he is suffering with blind disease. I’m not prejudiced in any way Cliff. Spastics, retards, blinds, deaf & dumbs, wops, coons and rag heads. I don’t see any difference. I didn’t even notice you were a darky. It makes no difference to me.”

  Simon grimaced and dropped his head into his hands and groaned. Cliff burst out laughing.

  “You’re a funny guy Sloany and you don’t even realize why,” laughed Cliff. Sloany joined in with one of his own sonic boom laughs and patted Cliff on the shoulder. Cliff’s laugh turned into a belly laugh and he threw his head back and sucked in a lungful of air.

  “I love this bar. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this much.”

  “How long are you here for Cliff?” asked Sloany, pointing to his watch.

  “I’m here for thirty days - just a holiday.”

  “Who did you come with?”

  “I came on my own.”

  “How did you get to Thailand?”

  “I flew here.”

  “How can you do that if you are blind?”

  “I wasn’t flying the plane. I was just a passenger.”

  “Oh well. It’s good they allow you people on. I thought that you have to have someone with you. You know! To show you around so you know where to go. Can I ask you a personal question?”

  “I’ve got a feeling that nothing on earth could stop you.”

  “Why did you bother to come on holiday?”

  “For a holiday. I enjoy a vacation.”

  “But you can’t see anything, so how do you know where you have been or what you’ve seen. How do you even know that you are in Thailand?”

  Cliff banged his hands on the table and he laughed until he cried.

  “Oh Sloany! You’re killing me man!”

  Sloany liked Cliff and felt an instant friendship.

  “Cliff, if you are here for a month you can come and play golf with us next weekend. It’s a boy’s golf trip away to Khanchanaburi.”

  “I can’t play golf Sloany.”

  “None of us can. It will be an even competition.”

  Cliff’s laugh had travelled around the bar and everyone else was laughing too.

  “How much is it?”

  “2000 baht for two nights in a 5 Star hotel and that’s with free transport and free golf.”

  “I really cannot play golf, but I’d like to come along for the ride.”

  “This lot really can’t play either.”

  “I can’t actually hit a ball, Sloany.”

  “Neither can they. So are you coming?”

  “Yes.” Cliff was still laughing as he opened his bum bag, found his wallet and gave Sloany 2000 baht. Sloany went back behind the bar.

  “I’m sorry about that!” whispered Simon.

  “Oh! Don’t be. The man hasn’t got a thought in his head, but he is so funny.”

  A few other people went in and out of the bar during the afternoon, but Simon, Cliff, Terry, Norris, John and Old Tony stayed and enjoyed each other’s company.

  “Hey Sloany, will you show me where the can is?”

  “You mean toilet?” corrected Sloany.

  “Yes, toilet.”

  Sloany went over to Cliff.

  “Do I hold your hand or something?”

  Cliff stood up.

  “I can just put my hand on the back of your shoulder and you lead the way. We don’t have to hold hands.”

  Cliff had a very pleasant and infectious laugh and he laughed a lot.

  Sloany led the way to the small toilet at the back of the bar. He guided Cliff to the urinal.

  “Can you take it out by yourself?”

  “I’ve been blind all my life. I know where my dick is. I just didn’t know where the toilet was.”

  “Ok. I’ll leave you to it then.” Sloany walked off. Cliff stood at the urinal for a few moments.

  “Are you still here Sloany?”

  “No.”

  “Well, you must be, because you just answered me.”

  “I mean no, I won’t be in a minute. I was just washing my hands.” Sloany leaned back and stretched out to turn the sink tap on. He coughed a few times and turned the tap back off.

  “Right. I’ll be off then. Do you need me to take you back into the bar after you’ve finished?”

  “I’ll be able to find my own way back. I’ve got my stick. Thank you.”

  Sloany walked back into the bar.

  “It’s true what they say about black men,” he announced. “He could split somebody in half with that thing.”

  Nobody responded.

  Cliff tapped his way back into the bar.

  “Cliff, can you play dominos?” asked Terry. “I’m being deadly serious. I mean that most sincerely. Do you see where I’m coming from?”

  Cliff held his hand out.

  “Let me see a domino.”

  Terry put a domino in Cliff’s hand and he felt the dots with the tips of his fingers.

  “This is a five-three, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Fucking hell,” said Sloany. “He can do magic tricks. That’s amazing. Can you tell playing cards without looking at them?”

  “I could play dominos with you Terry.”

  “Come on then, matey. You too Simon! Come and have a game.”

  Cliff and Simon sat with the domino players and another game started.

  Sloany watched perplexed.

  “Do you lot not think he is cheating somehow?” he asked wiping the sweat from his bald head with his tea towel.

  “How am I cheating?”

  “Well, you are playing without looking at the dominos. That must be an advantage. They don’t know what they are without seeing them. I wouldn’t play you for money. That’s all I’m saying.”

  Everybody laughed. Everybody except Sloany.

  Chapter 9: Golf Trip To Khanchanaburi

  Simon and Cliff became daily visitors to The Sloan Square Bar and regular members of the domino gang. Without trying they became friends with everyone in the bar and had become a part of the family.

  It was Friday afternoon. Simon finished his radio show and made his way to the bar. Everybody was already there waiting for him. Everyone had a travel bag or a small case, which were all stacked up on one of the tables. Sloany insisted that they all had something to eat while he went to collect the minibus. He told them that he didn’t want anyone to travel on an empty stomach. It might have sounded as if he was concerned for their welfare but, as always, his motive was to get them to spend money in his bar. Sloany jumped on a baht bus to go to Stan’s bar and collect the minibus. He was in no rush to get back because he knew that the golf tour boys were spending money in his bar. He had a couple of drinks with Stan. He was thinking about buying Stan a drink for the free loan of the minibus, but Stan never asked for a drink so Sloany decided not to offer.

  When Sloany saw the minibus he was very happy that he hadn’t bought Stan a drink.


  “It’s a fucking wreck!”

  “It goes OK and it’s free. Do you want to borrow it or not?”

  “I’ll have too. I’ve got people waiting in my bar for a golf trip.”

  Stan handed Sloany the single key attached to a rubber heart-shaped key ring, which read ‘I love Thailand’.

  “Is it central locking?”

  “Is it hell!”

  “Has it got air conditioning?”

  “Has it hell!”

  Sloany opened the driver’s door.

  “Bloody hell! It stinks.”

  “It hasn’t had a good clean for a while and I think someone was sick in it last time.” Stan put his head inside the vehicle and sniffed. “Somebody might have had a piss in here too!”

  “Fucking hell Stan, the floor is rusted. There’s a hole in the passenger side. I can see the ground.”

  “Do you want it or not?”

  Sloany sat in the driver’s seat and turned the key in the ignition. He was a little more than surprised when it started first time.

  “OK. I’ll take it, but thanks for nothing.”

  Sloany drove it off the waste land and Stan waved him off with two fingers.

  In ten minutes Sloany pulled up outside his bar and got out to open up the other doors. The others tossed their bags inside and climbed in.

  “Sorry lads, but it stinks of B.O and piss. No offence Norris.”

  “None taken. Ay, why say no offence to me?”

  “Because you always stink.”

  “I’m not being funny Sloany but it’s a bit of a nail. There’s a hole here.