by Guy Lilburne
They all nodded their heads in agreement. Terry had got it right. Now it was all business and the girls didn’t want to waste any time on a customer who wasn’t going to buy them a drink.
“And what about global warming?” asked Norris, not really caring what the answer was. It was just a topic for another discussion.
“It’s a load of bollocks and I mean that most sincerely………”
And so it went on!
Sloany went and slumped down on a chair at the end of the domino table. He didn’t look happy. He put a sponsored walk form on the table and held a Biro pen poised above it.
“Will you bastards sponsor me? I’ve got to do a sponsored walk for the bloody orphans. As if I don’t already give enough.”
“You don’t give anything.”
“Oh! I do, John. You don’t know what I give, but I give a lot. I just don’t like to talk about it. You know me, John!”
“So why are you doing a walk then?”
“Tuk said that I have to. I’m just trying to keep her sweet. She still isn’t happy that I got into a fight with a gang of lady boys.”
“I thought that they were drag queens?”
“Yes. I meant drag queens. You know what I mean. They are all the same. Anyway, Tuk wants me to help the little twats.”
“What little twats?”
“The orphans.”
“You’re all heart, Sloany!”
“Well, if people would wear condoms when they came on holiday, it wouldn’t be a problem and I wouldn’t have to be raising money to feed them. I mean, how much food can kids eat anyway? Just give them a bit of rice. They’d be happy with that. Now I’ve got to walk 10 km around the city on Sunday to raise money, so they can all eat steak and caviar and go on trips all over the place. I don’t even eat caviar!”
“I’ll tell you what, Sloany. I’ll sponsor you for 500 baht RUNNY DIARRHEA, FUCK SHIT, and, if you get another sponsor form off Tuk, I’ll do the walk with you.”
“Thanks John. You don’t have to do the walk, matey. Just sponsor me. There is no point all of us suffering. I‘ll take this one for the team.”
They all looked at each other, but nobody said anything and everybody managed not to laugh.
“Well, we’ll all turn out to support you.”
“Thanks lads. How much can I put the rest of you down for?”
They all sponsored for 500 baht and each day Sloany added more sponsors to the form. He had to. Tuk was making him do it. He would also have to collect all the money and hand it over to Tuk, who would give it to Father Ray’s after the event.
When Sunday came around, Sloany was at the starting line on the Beach Road and ready to go at 10 am, along with hundreds of others who were going to complete the sponsored walk. The rest of the gang from The Sloan Square Bar was standing alongside on the beach. The sun was beating down and Sloany was happy he was wearing the straw hat that was perched on his head. The announcer counted down and started the walk and they were off. Sloany had already decided that he would start the walk and finish it, but not actually do the other 9 km in between.
As it turned out, he was enjoying it. He was encouraged by the huge crowds that had turned out all around the route. They clapped and cheered all the walkers and Sloany suddenly felt good about himself. He started waving back to the crowd and the smile on his face was a genuine one. Walking 10km in the burning sun was not an easy task for someone the size of Sloany, but he did it. He had to work and he had to sweat, but he did it to the cheers of the crowd. The biggest cheers and applause came from the domino players from The Sloan Square Bar. They welcomed him back to the finish line like a hero returning from war. Sloany’s chest expanded with pride and, somehow, he was walking taller than he usually did. He crossed the finish line and raised his arms in the air. Tuk was there to greet him with a hug.
Pom and Ting had become regulars at The Sloan Square Bar on a Sunday morning and they became big friends. They often sat and chatted with Tuk. The three of them became very close and shared all their secrets. When Ting wasn’t helping out at the orphanage and Pom wasn’t working at the radio station, they would often meet up and go shopping. In Ting’s case it was more window-shopping than actual shopping, because Terry didn’t have a lot of money and Ting didn’t want to waste it. Everyone was astounded by Ting’s beauty, but it was only the people who were close to her that realized the most beautiful thing about Ting was her heart.
Pom had been meeting with her group of friends each day after work. Ting would also go along whenever she could. They were all busy looking at wedding magazines, taking notes and making phone calls. They were all involved in the wedding planning. Because there was no limit to the expense, the plans kept getting bigger and bigger. There were lots of plans and lots of ideas, but no particular direction. They didn’t want to employ a wedding coordinator until they had a good idea of what they wanted first. The venue was discussed and changed on a daily basis - as was the dress, colour scheme, flowers and guest list. Simon was not involved and that suited him and Pom.
It was a discussion that Simon had with Terry a few days later that was to change everything! They met up as usual in The Sloan Square Bar. As soon as Simon arrived Terry spoke to him.
“Hello, matey.”
“Hi Terry.”
“Now you don’t have to tell me anything, but I know that there is something on your mind. You just haven’t been the same this week. Now I understand if it’s none of my business, but I just want to tell you that, if you ever need someone to talk to in confidence, then I’m here to listen and I mean that most sincerely.”
“Thanks Terry. I might just take you up on that.”
“Do you want to jump on a baht bus and we can find somewhere to have a chat?”
“Yes. Come on, let’s do it.”
They walked along Soi Buakaow and jumped on the first baht bus that came along. Another man jumped on the bus and said ‘hello’ to everyone. All the passengers knew that he was on holiday. Only holiday makers say hello when they get on a baht bus! Simon and Terry jumped off outside Central Festival and paid the driver ten baht. The walked into the shopping mall and ended up sitting sipping coffees.
“Are you having second thoughts about the wedding, matey?” asked Terry, trying to make it as easy as possible for Simon.
“God no! I love Pom. I really love Pom and I’m very excited about our future.”
“What’s the problem then?”
“You know the fictitious bar that I talk about on my show?”
“Yes, of course I do. It’s very funny.”
“Well, my boss wants me to reveal the true identity of the place to raise the profile of the radio station, because he is going to sell it. That’s the whole reason he is paying for the wedding. It’s all about Pattaya 205FM and raising the stock price. I’ve said ‘No’ Terry, but with all the media coverage for the big wedding, I’m worried that it’s all going to come out anyway. I don’t know what to do!”
“Can I tell you something? You have a beautiful and wonderful lady in Pom. I have the same in Ting. You have the chance to marry the girl of your dreams. I would love to marry Ting, but I’d never be able to afford to get married. Don’t miss your chance Simon. You’d regret it forever. Have the wedding and don’t worry about anything else. Nothing else matters. It’s all about you and Pom. Don’t lose the chance.”
“Terry. The Waiting for God Bar that I talk about on the radio is really The Sloan Square Bar. The stories I tell are all about you lot - my friends.”
“I know that.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do, you soppy sod. My name is Terry Davis. My character on the radio is Derry Tavis. Gary Sloan is Barry Moan. John is Don, Old Tony was Old Eric and, for some reason, Norris is Ahmed. You don’t need Bletchley Park
to crack that code, matey. We all know. Well, we all know except for Sloany. He hasn’t worked it out yet. He listens to the show and laughs his head off. Then he spends two hours slagging Barry Moan off. You ought to hear the names he calls him. He’s convinced that it’s a real bar. Every day he takes guesses at which bar it is and tells us how stupid that particular landlord is.”
“You all knew, all along?”
“Yes, pretty much.”
“And everyone is OK with me?”
“You’ve done nothing wrong. The stories are all true and they are funny. Go ahead with your big society wedding and who cares if the real bar gets identified!”
“Terry. Do you really want to marry Ting?”
“Yes, of course I do.”
“What would you say to having a double wedding? You and Ting, me and Pom. A big society double wedding and Pattaya 205 FM will pay for it all. We reveal the true identity of the bar and characters. A few weeks later one of the characters is getting married alongside the radio DJ who told the stories. There is a lot of public interest in that scenario. As my boss would say ‘everyone wins’.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask me. I asked you.”
“Well, check with Pom and your boss and see what they say. It all sounds a bit too good to be true. I’ve never been this lucky.”
Simon pulled out his phone. He rang Mark Rodgers and ran the idea past him. Mark Rodgers loved it. He then rang Pom. She had become best friends with Ting and she loved the idea too. Simon closed the phone.
“Everybody loves the idea Terry. Now it’s up to you. Are you going to ask Ting to marry you?”
“I’m asking her tonight. I’m going to take her out to a nice restaurant and get down on one knee. I’m going to do the whole thing properly. Can I tell her about the double wedding thing?”
“Yes, of course.”
“She might say yes then.”
“One more thing Terry. You can’t tell anyone about the double wedding thing until the identity of the bar has been revealed. Just tell the lads that you are asking Ting to marry you, with no fixed date in mind.”
“No problem. I understand.”
Terry did take Ting out to a nice restaurant. He did get down on one knee and ask her to marry him. Ting said ‘yes’ before he told her about the double wedding plan. He slid a gold diamond ring on her finger. He had got the ring off Sloany for an amazingly cheap price. Sloany told him that it was his mother’s engagement ring, but she would have wanted it to make someone else happy.
It didn’t make Ting very happy. It just made her finger go green. Sloany wasn’t very happy giving Terry his money back, but he did eventually. Although he still insisted that it was real gold and explained that Ting must be allergic to real gold. As it turned out she wasn’t, because she and Terry went out that day and bought a simple gold ring, which didn’t leave a green mark around her finger!
Chapter 15: The Truth is Out
The headline on the front page of the Pattaya Mail read;
Revealed. We have identified the real radio sensation Barry Moan and The Waiting for God Bar.
The front page photo showed Sloany holding up two fingers. It looked like he was swearing, but the photo was misleading. It was taken when he was asking the undercover reporter if he wanted two ice cream desserts. The caption under the photo read; Gary Sloan, owner of The Sloan Square Bar is the real Barry Moan. Meeting the larger than life character was an experience!
The full front page story was by ‘Our special undercover reporter’.
It read;
After an anonymous tip off to our newspaper I decided to go under cover and visit The Sloan Square Bar. I found it hard to believe that anyone could be as ignorant, thick skinned and simply stupid as the popular radio character Barry Moan. We had information that Gary Sloan was our man and I intended to find the truth. I visited the premises yesterday afternoon with my young son George. George is eight years old and suffers with Cerebral Palsy. I took him in his wheelchair.
On approaching the Sloan Square Bar I was greeted by a very large and very jovial man, who introduced himself as Gary Sloan. He had a strong Birmingham accent, a very loud laugh and an infectious smile. I liked him instantly. Well, at least at first I did.
“Do you cater for people with special needs in this establishment?” I asked.
“We do indeed. We have a special on the menu every day. We actually call it the Daily Special. Today’s special is Spaghetti Bolognese. Your lad can eat that. I didn’t just fight in the SAS for Queen and country you know. I did it for all the defectives too. We are all equal in my eyes. You are both very welcome to eat in here.”
During the course of our short stay in The Sloan Square Bar Gary Sloan referred to my son as a retard and a spastic. I could tell he didn’t mean it in an offensive manner, but it just was. He patted George on the head a lot, in the same way you might pat a dog.
“I raise a lot of money for ‘Backward Kids’. I don’t think there is anything wrong with them,” he assured me.
It was while we were eating that he did a very Barry Moan thing. He came up to our table and turned George’s chair around to face the wall.
“It will put the other diners off if they see all the food coming out of his mouth,” he said.
I looked around.
“There aren’t any other diners.”
“And there won’t be if they see him spitting all his food out.”
I left the Sloan Square Bar feeling a bit insulted and a bit abused. My feelings towards Gary Sloan were confused. He is a very likeable character until he speaks. There is just no filter between the first thing that pops up in his brain and what comes out of his mouth. I can see the funny side of it and, when I listen to the stories on the radio, I laugh. When you are subjected to it firsthand it’s not so funny. If my feelings were confused my son George’s were not. He liked Gary Sloan. He thought that he was funny and entertaining and he wants to go back to the bar again. I would like to meet the other characters from the Sloan Square Bar. At the end of this article I have printed a phone number. I issue an open invitation to Gary Sloan and the Domino Crew to contact me and give their side of the story.
The Pattaya Mail has contacted Pattaya 205FM and spoken with DJ Simon Smith, who tells the stories on the radio station about The Waiting for God Bar and the characters Barry Moan, Derry Tavis, Old Eric, Don and Ahmed. Mr. Smith confirmed to the Pattaya Mail that the stories were indeed based on the people from The Sloan Square Bar.
“I need to go and speak to these people. They are my friends and I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. I guess it’s time for the DJ to face the music!” said Mr. Smith.
The newspaper had sold out and, for the first time in the papers history they did a reprint on the same day, producing an afternoon edition. Gary Sloan’s phone didn’t stop ringing. It seemed that everyone in Pattaya wanted to tell him that he was famous and on the front page of the Pattaya Mail. At first Sloany didn’t believe it. As more people rang him he became excited about becoming an overnight sensation. He walked along the Soi to go and buy a copy of the paper. He bought five copies and walked back to the bar. People were already recognizing him and waving to him. People honked the horns on their motorbikes as they approached him. He smiled and waved. He had only read the headline. That didn’t seem to have anything to do with him, but the main photo on the front page was definitely him and he liked it.
It was only when he got back to the bar that he read the full story. He read it several times. He was constantly being interrupted by his phone ringing and somebody else asking him if he had read the paper. He read it over and over again and his mood changed as it slowly sank in that people were laughing at him. He wasn’t sure if the things said about him in the newspaper article were positive thing
s or negative things. The points that the article was making went straight over his head. It was all true, but he didn’t see anything wrong with it and he didn’t see anything funny about it. He didn’t even know why he should be angry, but he just had a feeling that he should be. The newspaper had said that he was the real Barry Moan and he thought that Barry Moan was an idiot. So did that mean that he was the real idiot? He couldn’t quite join up the dots. He needed to talk to Simon Smith, but he just felt angry anyway. He couldn’t understand why anyone would think he was an idiot and it seemed that that was what the newspaper was saying. He decided that he was furious and that is what he started to tell the people who kept ringing him…all day!
It was Mark Rodgers who had tipped off the newspaper, after a discussion with Simon about how best to make the reveal. It had all gone to plan.
Simon Smith didn’t have to wait long to face the music. He went straight to The Sloan Square Bar after his radio show had finished. Sloany was waiting for him. Sloany had been ranting about the newspaper article all day. He had been trying to wind up the domino players, but they didn’t seem bothered. Sloany told them all that their privacy had been breached and that they were all a laughing stock on the radio.
As soon as Simon walked into the bar the domino game stopped and Sloany held up a copy of the Pattaya Mail. Simon noticed that another copy had already been framed and was displayed on the bar wall. Sloany’s face was red, but then again it always was!