by Guy Lilburne
“What the fuck is this all about Simon?”
“I owe you all an apology. I really am sorry. I started telling stories on my radio show, which were very loosely based on the adventures that you lot have all the time. I should have asked for permission first from each of you, but I didn’t. Suddenly, the show took off and people loved the stories and loved the characters. People loved you lot. I couldn’t stop. It all got a bit out of hand when the local press started printing the stories and trying to find out if the stories were based on a real bar and real people. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I’m sorry.”
“But Simon, you made me look like a real horrible thick bastard. No offence Norris.”
“None taken, lad.”
“Actually, your character is the most popular on the show.”
“Yes, I can understand that. But sometimes he comes across as a double crossing twat. No offence Norris.”
“None taken.”
“My boss thinks that the whole thing is going to make your bar very famous and that you are going to make a lot of money, if you market and promote it properly. He thinks that you lot could form a company and sell photos and tee shirts. Not just in the bar, but over the internet. There is a business opportunity here. There could be a lot of money involved.”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have done it. I’m saying that you should have asked first. You could have talked more about my charity work and how kind hearted I am. You should talk more about my years in the SAS and all the missions I was on. There is a lot more you can say. You are missing an opportunity yourself, by not talking about what a lady’s man I am and how much I help people. I never think of myself Simon. You know me! With me it’s all about the other people - the little people.”
“I’ll try and fit all that in a bit more then. Although I think I have already mentioned a few times how you see yourself.”
“I could come and have a talk to your boss. I’ve got some good ideas about having my own show. People can phone in with their problems and I give them advice to sort it out.”
“I’ll mention it to him, Sloany.”
Simon walked over to the domino table.
“I’m sorry chaps.”
“No problem with us, matey.”
“My boss has had an idea. He suggests that you all do interviews with the local newspapers and magazines. He has also offered to pay for your wedding Terry, if you will consider having a double wedding with Pom and me.” Simon winked at Terry.
“Well, that sounds fantastic. I’ll ask Ting and see what she thinks.”
“Obviously, you will all be guests of honour. It will be a top do! There will be a lot of media coverage and it will bring even more business to the bar. It could be good for all of us.”
“I’ve never been a guest of honour. FUCK TWAT.”
“Maybe it’s better if you don’t give the speeches John,” said Terry and everybody laughed. Simon bought everyone a drink and they toasted ‘Living the Dream’.
“Anyway,” said Sloany. “Now you are all here, does anyone want to buy 76 Viagra tablets? I’ll accept 2,000 baht.”
“Why 76?”
“I’ve tried four of them, but they don’t work and they give me a terrible headache that lasts a whole day. They are copies from Cambodia, but they are shit.”
“How much did you pay for them?”
“I paid 2,000 baht.”
“So you paid 2,000 baht. You have used four, they don’t work and you want to sell them on to us for the same price?”
“Yes. Well they might work for one of you lot and, if they don’t, you can sell them on to some other mug.”
Pattaya 205FM arranged the interviews with the magazines and newspapers. The articles were a huge success and there were some great photos of Sloany and the Domino Crew. They had become minor celebrities overnight.
Sloany, Terry, John and Norris did form a business between them. They arranged a photo shoot and had ‘Action Shots’ of them playing dominos. The photos were mass produced and signed copies were available for sale from the bar. There were also photos of Sloany in various poses around the bar. All were for sale. Tee shirts in XXXXL size were printed with slogans like;
‘I’ve survived The Sloan Square Bar’
‘I took Sloany’s advice….Now all’s I’ve got is this lousy shirt’
‘It doesn’t matter if you are Special or have Special needs. You will get the same bad service at Sloany’s’
There were lots of domino themed shirts as well.
‘Domino players do it on the table’
‘Dominos is the new Premier League’
‘Dominos, you know it makes sense’
‘Make mine a double’
All the domino shirts had pictures of dominos on them and they became surprisingly successful. Suddenly, it seemed that everybody was wearing a domino tee shirt.
The High Society double wedding of Simon & Pom and Terry & Ting was announced. For weeks in the build up to the wedding it got a lot of coverage in the press. Ting’s amazing beauty made her a natural for the magazines and she and Pom did a lot of photo shoots for various magazines. There were also articles on Pom’s work at the radio station and Ting’s work at the Orphanage. Their fame was spreading beyond Pattaya and they both did TV interviews on shows on Channel 7 and Channel 3. Life seemed to be changing for everyone. Sloany did get his ‘Agony Aunt’ slot, but it was a column in the Pattaya Mail. People would write in pouring out their troubled heart and soul. The letters were printed in the paper and end with the footnote ‘Sloany Says’.
Sloany usually said things like ‘You need to grow a pair’ or ‘Stop being such a poof’ or ‘Don’t admit to anything’. His advice was edited for general public reading and a lot of swear words omitted.
John had contacted Cliff in America and brought him up to date with everything that had happened in the Sloan Square Bar since he left. Cliff was thrilled to hear the news about the double wedding. He told John that he was going to return to Pattaya for a month’s holiday and attend the weddings. He made John promise to keep the surprise a secret. Cliff was excited to go back to Thailand and his friends in Pattaya.
It was two weeks before the wedding date when Cliff came walking slowly along the Soi towards The Sloan Square Bar - gently tapping his white stick in front of him. John was the first one to see him. True to his word, he hadn’t told anyone that Cliff was coming. He stood up and shouted.
“Cliff. We are over here.”
The rest of the players clapped and cheered the arrival of their friend. Sloany dashed out of the bar to greet him. He grabbed his hand and shook it, before throwing his arms around him and giving him a big sweaty hug. Before he spoke Cliff said “Hello Sloany. Nice to see you again.”
He laughed his warm mellow laugh and he suddenly felt as if he had never been away.
Sloany led him into the bar and everybody greeted him with handshakes and hugs. Sloany insisted on showing Cliff all the newspaper and magazine articles that were now framed and displayed around the bar walls. Cliff was too polite to remind Sloany that being blind meant that he couldn’t see. So he kept nodding his head and saying how impressive the articles looked on the walls. Sloany ended the guided tour by holding up a tee shirt with the slogan ‘I ate at Sloany’s and got spotted dick!’
“What do you think of this Cliff?”
Cliff burst out laughing.
“You haven’t changed a bit Sloany. Whatever it is, I think it’s great.”
“It’s a tee shirt you thick bastard. What did you think it was - a table cloth? I do them in big sizes so people like this lot can wear them.”
“Good idea, Sloany.”
Cliff sat down at the domino table with the others.
�
��I’m really happy to see you guys again. I was really sorry to hear about Old Tony. I liked him a lot.”
“We all did and we all miss him. TWAT GHOST FUCK.”
“And what about Simon and Terry? I hear that you guys are getting married!”
“Not to each other we’re not.” Terry forced out a laugh that was loud, but not as loud as Sloany’s. Terry only laughed out loud to underline the fact that he had just told a joke. Just in case anyone missed it.
“Yes! It’s a big Society Double Wedding in two weeks’ time. Will you come, Cliff?”
“That’s why I’m here Simon. John told me all about it. I thought that I’d come and surprise you guys. I can‘t wait to meet the brides to be. John tells me that they are the two most beautiful women in Thailand.”
“I’m glad you are here Cliff. I need a favour. I need you to play in a football match. It’s for charity and my newspaper is covering the event.”
“You have a newspaper?”
“Well, I’m a journalist for a newspaper.”
“You’re not a journalist, Sloany. You’re an Agony Aunt.”
“Well actually, Terry, I write and what I write gets printed in the newspaper. So that makes me a journalist.”
“I can’t play football, Sloany.”
“Don’t worry. Neither can this lot.”
“We’re not playing.”
“I’m not playing football.”
“Hang on a minute, you lot. It’s for charity and it’s a grudge match. Remember the drag queens that came second in the pub quiz. Well, they have challenged us to a five a side football match. Nobody is allowed to run. You can only walk. The Panorama Pub has put up a trophy and they are going to make it an annual event. They have already raised loads of money for charity. They want to play The Sloan Square Bar, because we are famous now and it will get some newspaper coverage. We are doing it for charity, you bastards!”
“Who is?”
“You lot are. I’m not playing. I’m your manager.”
“Actually Sloany, if you get a ball with a bell inside it, I probably could play.”
“I can sort that out.”
“We ’aven’t got to wear dresses again, ’ave we?” asked Norris.
“No, you haven’t. They are all wearing dresses, but we don’t have to. The match is going to be played at K Football Stadium in central Pattaya and there will be a big crowd. Mostly dressed in drag, but it’s all for charity.”
“Looks like you have got your team Sloany.”
The football match was a big event and, because of the participation of The Sloan Square Bar, it did get a lot of media coverage. Even the TV people turned up. Ting and Pom were going to present the trophy to the winning side. The event was held on the Saturday exactly a week ahead of the double wedding. The football event wasn’t exactly like Sloany had said. The Domino Crew thought that it was a one-off match, but it turned out that it was actually a knock-out tournament, with a lot of teams from the gay community. There were teams of drag queens, lady boys and gay men of all ages. The matches were 5 a side and 5 minutes each way. No running was allowed and the ball could not go above waist height. In the games in which Cliff played they used a special ball that had a bell and ball bearings inside it so Cliff could hear its movement.
All the games were televised live on Channel 5 and on Pattaya TV and it was all because of the now famous Sloan Square Bar.
The Sloan Square Team did well. Cliff had scored two goals and the crowd went wild. They won their first three games, but then lost 2-1 in the semi-final to the drag queens who they had pipped to the post in the pub quiz. A team of lady boys called ‘Funny Girls’ won the final 3-2 and received the trophy from the two brides to be. It was a great event and a big crowd had turned out to watch. Over 50,000 baht had been raised for charity.
Chapter 16: A High Society Double Wedding
The weddings were taking place at The Hilton Hotel, Pattaya. They had been organized, arranged and coordinated to the last detail. Every eventuality had been planned for. Every eventuality, except for Sloany!
Mark Rodgers had sold the exclusive photo rights to a magazine. This in turn had paid for the weddings. Two floors at The Hilton Hotel had been closed off for VIP guests, who arrived on the Friday evening. Simon and Terry didn’t know any of the Thai VIPs, but they both recognized a few of the English and American guests. Terry and Ting, Simon and Pom also had rooms for the Friday night and Honeymoon suites for the Saturday night after the wedding day. Newspapers, magazines and TV crews had positions at the front of the hotel to capture the arrival of the guests on the red carpet. The celebrity guests who had stayed on the Friday night were taken from the back of the hotel and driven in limousines to arrive at the front of the hotel for the photographs. There was an order to the arrivals and it was precision timing. Even the non-celebrity guests had pick up venues, where they were collected at specific times. Police directed traffic and held it up to allow the wedding limousines through. Crowds gathered along Beach Road and Second Road to get a glimpse of the stars attending the weddings. The two grooms looked dashing in their matching top hat and tails. The two brides had chosen different wedding dresses and both looked stunning. Cliff had been chosen to act as Best Man after Simon and Terry went through a quick elimination process, on the basis of who would give the best speech. Norris dropped his H’s and, for some reason, added them when there shouldn’t be any. John would shout out random swear words. Sloany would say the first thing that came into his head. So this left Cliff. He had a lovely speaking voice. He was intelligent and Simon and Terry loved him.
The guests of honour were Mark Rodgers, Sloany & Tuk, John & his wife Pla and Norris & Pom’s group of dining friends. Pom’s mother was the Special Guest of Honour. The men all wore matching ‘top hat and tails’ that were colour coordinated with the two grooms. The ladies wore cream dresses of various designs, which were colour coordinated with the table flowers and wedding décor. It was a very grand affair.
Sloany managed to get in the background of nearly every photograph taken that day. He also managed to put The Sloan Square Bar business cards on every single table before the wedding reception.
After a very simple but beautiful service the guests were led into the wedding reception. The set tables looked amazing and the flowers that seemed to be draped everywhere were simply beautiful. An army of cooks and catering staff had been drafted in and everything was just perfect. The Master of Ceremony rang a small bell after the food courses had been completed, to introduce various speakers. The speeches were short and the speakers were in a specific order too, depending on their importance. It culminated with a wonderful and witty speech from Cliff, followed by ‘thank you’ speeches from Terry and finally Simon. When the final round of applause for Simon’s speech died down, Sloany stood up and started clinking his knife against his champagne glass until it shattered.
“Listen up. Listen up,” he shouted in his thick Birmingham accent, until the room went quiet.
“I have known Simon and Terry for a long time. Well, I haven’t known Simon that long, but they are both good blokes. I didn’t want them to get married at first, because marriage is one of the main causes of divorce. But they are good blokes and their Thai birds seem OK too. So they might be OK. Who knows? I’d like to thank them for this posh do today. My name, as most of you know, is Gary Sloan. I own The Sloan Square Bar. We are an equal opportunities bar. By that I mean we serve anybody. Whatever is wrong with you, you will get the same treatment from me. So you are all invited to come to my bar anytime for a few drinks and a game of dominos. We also do food that is as nice as the stuff you have eaten today, but I’m guessing a lot cheaper. I would highly recommend the All Day Breakfast, which we serve from 10 am until 2 pm. It‘s still excellent value at 99 baht, but I don‘t serve it with the black pudding or hash browns anymore. I just coul
dn‘t do all that for 99 baht anymore. I‘m still not making any money on it.” Sloany boomed out another machine gun style laugh. “Anyway, ladies and gentlemen I want you all to stand up. Come on, stand up!” Sloany kept raising an open palm until everybody was standing. “Raise your glasses to Simple Simon and Pom Pom skirt and to Telly Tubby and Ting Tong. We wish them long life and happiness.”
“Long life and happiness,” everyone toasted.
A cool jazz band with a very sexy female singer provided the entertainment for the rest of the evening. After dark there was a firework display from half a dozen boats that had been anchored out in the bay.
Sloany chatted up the Miss Tiffany beauty competition winner and offered her a Saturday job in his bar, but he was drunk and she didn’t understand what he was saying.
It was a few weeks after the wedding before life felt normal again. Cliff had gone back to New York. The media frenzy over The Sloan Square Bar had died down and everybody got back into a routine. Sloany arranged a few more trips, including one to Surin to see The King’s Elephant festival. He ended up leaving Norris there after losing him in the crowd. Because Norris had left his mobile phone in the minibus, he was not contactable. The rest of the gang was happy to wait longer, but Sloany said five minutes was long enough. There was a lot of traffic and it was a long drive home!
Since the death of Old Tony, Tuk and Sloany had drifted even further apart. It had got to the stage where they hardly spoke. Tuk missed Old Tony and, without his marriage advice, she felt lost and alone. She had hidden his two bank cards, which Sloany had taken from his wallet when he died, along with the piece of paper with what Sloany thought was a Thai phone number. Tuk knew it was the two four digit PINs to his bank cards. The numbers were preceded with 08 to make it look like a phone number. Old Tony had shown Tuk which number was to which card. He had told her that if anything happened to him then he wanted her to use them. He told her he had a lot of money in the accounts.