Color of Forgiveness

by Madeleine Beckett

  “I couldn’t help it. I was excited that you finally got some wong. I felt like we needed to celebrate.”

  “Dylan wouldn’t have found me if you hadn’t sent that card.”

  Susie’s eyes widen. “Did he open it?”

  “Oh god, no…”

  Susie giggles. “Can you imagine his face if he had?”

  Myra shakes her head… and has to smile a little at that visual in her head.

  “But, hey, it’s not my fault that he got a hold of that card. I was just trying to bring some funny into your day. Wait a minute… how did he get it? I thought Jackie was getting your mail.”

  “She is. He said he was at my house sitting on the porch when the mailman came up and handed him the mail. Your card was on top.”

  Susie’s brows furrow in confusion. “But you didn’t talk to him before you left to come here, right?”

  Myra nods.

  “So how did he even know you were coming to Philly?”

  “He said he guessed.”

  “He guessed? He flew all this way on a hunch? Damn…” Susie pauses seeming to let that information sink in for a moment. “So what does he want?”

  “He wants to talk. He wants me to give him another chance. I’m so confused,” Myra says, pulling her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. “I feel like I’m repeating the past. I can’t go through that again. It’s like a part of me wants to hear what he has to say for himself; I want to know what he was doing with her. But then another part of me just wants to tell him to go away and leave me alone. What should I do?”

  Susie stares at her for a moment before she groans and blows out a heavy breath, puffing her cheeks like a chipmunk. “Me oh my… My gut reaction is to tell you to tell that maggot to go flush himself down the crapper. But… damn it the man did fly all the way across the country to see you. He didn’t even know if you’d be here or not. Why would he do that? That is worth something.”

  Susie stares down at her plate for a minute. “I’d really like to see you tell his beautiful ass off and let me give him a Susie ass whoopin’ of epic proportions, but… I think you should talk to him. I can’t see him going to all the trouble to follow you out here just to give you a lame ass excuse. And I know you care about him because you would have never, ever slept with him if you didn’t. Once he says his piece, then you can decide what to do.”

  Myra lays her head on her knees.

  “You’ll have the house to yourself tomorrow. Invite him over. Listen to what he has to say. Then you can decide what to do next.”

  Myra nods.

  “You don’t deserve this, you know that, right? You’re such a wonderful, kind, beautiful person; both inside and out. If I ever have a mid-life crisis and go lesbo, just know that I will be all over your cute ass,” Susie says before snorting. Myra gives her the stink eye. “But if you decide to dump the gorgeousness, just know that I gots your back, and I plan to jack his sexy jaw up and kick his beautiful ass cheeks extra hard. I’ll make sure to wear my cowboy boots that are in the back of my closet from when I lost my mind and went through that line-dancing phase.”

  Myra grins. “Thanks… for listening and for being my bestest best friend ever,” Myra says as she leans over and gives her a half-hug being mindful of the plate of food in her lap. She stands and stretches. “Well, it’s getting late and you have to get up early for work. I’m going to go to bed.”

  “Nighty night,” Susie says, picking up her fork and grinning. “I refuse to let a bite of this go to waste. If you need to talk – even in the middle of the night – come wake me up, okay?”

  “Okay,” Myra says softly before exiting Susie’s bedroom. She sighs as she makes her way to the spare bedroom, knowing she has a long, sleepless night ahead of her and some hard decisions to make.

  * * *

  Dylan lies in his darkened hotel room, staring at nothing and thinking of everything. The heater by the window blows the curtain slightly, letting in little streaks of light that cast unusual shadows on the wall.

  He watches the dancing shadows for a while before he sighs and reaches for his cell phone. He hits speed dial.

  “Was she there?” Natalie asks immediately in an excited voice.

  “Yeah…”

  “Oh, thank goodness. I was terrified that you’d fly that whole way for nothing. So, how did it go?”

  “She was pissed, really pissed. We didn’t get to talk. She said she needed some time to think. She’s going to call me tomorrow.”

  “Well, that’s encouraging. At least she didn’t tell you to take a hike. I’m sure this is a lot for her to take in.”

  “Yeah, I just… I know I didn’t say the right things. I just hope I did enough. What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”

  “I’m sure after she thinks things through, she’ll want to talk. If she sends you away after you flew out there like you did, then she’s not the type of person you should be with anyway.”

  Dylan clears his throat. “So, how’s the baby?”

  “Good. She’s been kicking my ribs something fierce. She’s a strong one. She’ll need to be being the baby sister to three older brothers.”

  Dylan smiles. He’s really looking forward to meeting his new niece.

  “Well, I better go,” he says.

  “Okay. Try not to worry about things tonight. It’ll all work out just fine; I know it will. If she really cares about you, she’ll give you another chance. Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  After saying their goodbyes, Dylan flips his phone shut and throws it on the bedside table. He hopes like hell that Nat is right about Myra.

  Sighing, he throws his arm over his eyes as he replays the conversation he had with Myra over and over again. He feels like he didn’t do enough to convince her; that his words somehow weren’t right. He struggles with words; he always has. He fucking hates to talk because it never comes out right. He just hopes that maybe he somehow got across some of what he’s feeling in his heart.

  Groaning, he rubs his eyes when he thinks about the possibility that she might not want to talk. If it comes to that, he won’t accept it. He’ll do something rash; he knows he will. Like throw her over his shoulder, lock her in a room somewhere and make her listen.

  Eventually – hours later – sleep finally pulls him under. In the morning, his phone rings, scaring the shit out of him. His heart races as his arm flies out to the nightstand and gropes around in the dark for it. “Goddamn it,” he mumbles when he knocks it to the floor. He half falls out of bed and scrambles around, until he finally gets it into his hands and flips it open.

  “Yeah?” he answers in a gravelly, out-of-breath voice before quickly clearing his throat.

  He panics when he doesn’t get a response.

  “Hello?” he asks.

  “Yeah, it’s me… Myra.”

  He blows out a heavy breath and sinks onto the bed. “Hi,” he says before swallowing heavily.

  “Hi.”

  He feels like he can’t breathe.

  She clears her throat. “Um, I wanted to see if you could come over, to Susie’s to… talk.”

  His heart skips a beat. “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Uh, sure, I’ll be there. What time?”

  “Any time’s fine.”

  “Okay. Let me grab a quick shower, and I’ll be right over.”

  “Okay.”

  He rubs the back of his neck. “Um… Myra?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you… for this. I’ll be there soon.”

  He smiles when she hums in response.

  “Bye,” he whispers.

  Closing his eyes, he takes in a deep breath when he hears her whisper, “Bye,” in response.

  He tosses his phone on the bed beside him and drops his head into his hands. As relief floods his body, he almost feels weak from the sensation. He can hardly fucking believe that she’s actually going to give
him another chance. He knows he doesn’t deserve one, but by god, he’s going to take full advantage of it.

  Now he has to summon all of the courage he can and do something he hasn’t done in three years: talk. It’s going to fucking hurt. Like hell. But he’ll do it for her, for Myra. He’d do anything for Myra.

  CHAPTER 4

  WHITE, CLEANSING

  Myra’s stomach does a flip-flop when the doorbell finally rings. For the last half hour, she’s been sitting on Susie’s couch, trying to ease her nerves as she waits on Dylan. She didn’t sleep a wink last night because she stayed up thinking about everything that had happened and trying to decide what to do. She concluded that she wasn’t being fair to him. After all, she did lead him to believe he could come over and talk to her after catching him with Sabrina. She decided he deserved a chance to talk especially considering he flew all the way to Philadelphia to find her. However, she does have some stipulations on this conversation that she needs to be clear about up front.

  Closing her eyes and taking in a deep breath to calm herself, she opens the door. Immediately her heartbeat skyrockets and she loses her breath the moment she takes one look at him. Susie was so right; the man is breathtakingly handsome. His damp, disheveled hair sticks up in a crazy chaos with a few strands falling down on his forehead, and he shaved the scruff that was present yesterday leaving his jaw smooth and defined. She chews on her thumbnail as her eyes quickly devour his tall frame, moving from his black Carhartt coat, and the white V-neck T-shirt with an unbuttoned blue flannel shirt over it, down to his faded jeans and black boots.

  She wishes she wasn’t so physically affected by his looks.

  “Hi,” he says in a soft voice, his eyes staring intently into hers.

  Her heart skips several beats, knocking roughly against her ribs as she gives him a small smile. She steps to the side to let him in, watching as he shrugs out of his coat.

  “I can hang that up… if you want,” she says.

  “Thanks,” he says with a small smile, handing it to her.

  As she walks to the hall closet, she can’t help but smell his coat. The scent of smoke is heavy but it’s mixed with a manly, spicy soap as well. But mainly, it just smells like him.

  Sighing inwardly, she closes the closet door. “Would you like some coffee?” she asks.

  “Yeah, that’d be great.”

  Walking into the kitchen with Dylan trailing behind her, she quietly pours him a cup. When she hands it to him, their fingers slightly brush against each other’s. Her breath catches in her throat and when she looks up, she finds him staring down at her with so much tenderness in his eyes that makes her heart speed up.

  “Thanks,” he mumbles softly.

  She gives him a small smile before picking up her cup off of the counter. “We can go into the family room… if that’s okay…?”

  “Sure,” he says with a nod.

  Walking to the love seat, she sits down and holds the mug in her hand staring into it. From the corner of her eye, she watches as he sits down on the couch adjacent to her and sets his cup on the edge of the coffee table.

  She clears her throat. “Before you start, I just wanted to say a few things. I think that it was very… sweet that you flew all the way here to talk to me and spent all that money on a plane ticket and a hotel and everything. It means a lot to me. And I plan on listening to everything you have to say, but it doesn’t mean that I’m just going to forgive you and give you another chance right away, okay? I’m still really confused and hurt and not sure how I feel about things. I just wanted you to know how I feel first.”

  Dylan nods at her, a somber expression on his face. “I understand. I appreciate you giving me a chance to talk.”

  She nods in response and takes another drink of her coffee before setting it down.

  He frowns, staring at the plants sitting on the coffee table. “What are…?” His brows furrow more as he looks up at Myra and back down at the flowers again. Leaning forward, he reaches his hand out and touches the card that is sticking out of the top of one of them before looking back at Myra. “Susie’s dad…?”

  “Yeah… that’s why I came out here.”

  “Jesus,” he mumbles under his breath as he runs a hand over his neck. “I had no idea. I’m really sorry. I’d have never come here and bothered you and shit if I’d known that. Damn it, this whole thing is such a fucking mess,” he groans as he runs his hand roughly through his hair, making chunks of it stand straight up. “I thought you came here because you were pissed at me.”

  “That was my plan. After I left your house, I went home and started packing my bag. I didn’t want to see you and I just wanted to leave. I decided I’d go stay with Susie for a while. But then before I could do anything, she called about her dad and I jumped on the first flight out here.”

  Dylan drops his head and rubs the back of his neck. Taking in a deep breath, he lifts his head. His brows are furrowed. “I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s okay, you didn’t know. I should have told you what was going on.”

  With his elbows on his knees, he stares down at his hands. “I just kept thinking all this crazy shit about you not coming back; the thought of not seeing you again…” He looks up for a moment, making eye contact with her, a totally lost look on his face. With a quick shake of his head, he looks back down at his hands again. “Well, l just knew I had to somehow find you.”

  She tucks a leg under her and angles more towards him. “I wasn’t going to stay out here permanently; although I did give that idea some thought on more than one occasion. But I was planning on talking to you when I got back home.”

  “I didn’t know that; I was going a little fucking crazy.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  Dylan frowns, taking in a deep breath and nods at her. With his elbows on his knees, he drops his head into his hands. He massages his temples for a moment before dropping his hands and staring down at them as he begins speaking. “I’m not really sure where the hell to begin. I guess I’ll just start at the beginning.” He glances up at her for a moment and she gives him a nod. Staring back down at his hands, he begins cracking his knuckles. He quickly clears his throat. “I met Sabrina my sophomore year in high school. Her dad got a job transfer. I was only 16, and not really into girls yet. Chad definitely had the ‘girl thing’ covered. I was more into sports. Like basketball and baseball.” He looks up and gives her a half-grin. She smiles back at him.

  “Anyway, Sabrina came up to me on the first day of school and introduced herself, and… well, I really don’t even know how to explain it but we just kind of became a couple after that. I never even asked her out on a date. Sabrina’s got a… how do I explain this…” He pauses, frowning, obviously struggling for words, “… a strong personality, I guess you could say. She made it pretty damn clear what she wanted. I just kind of knew we were supposed to be together. I guess it was kind of one of those ‘love at first sight’ things or some shit. We were pretty much inseparable after that first day.”

  Myra swallows hard, her stomach clenching. She doesn’t want to picture him with anyone else… ever; especially not his beautiful ex-wife. And she definitely doesn’t want to hear about how he fell in love with her.

  “We were together all through high school. After we graduated, I went to work with my dad and my brother; no way was I going to college.” He gives Myra a smirk. “Other than sports, I hated school. I had plans to take over my dad’s contracting business when he retired, but Sabrina… well, she couldn’t wait to go to college and all that shit. She ended up going to Idaho State. She stayed close because we couldn’t stand to…” He stops and looks up at her, his face twisting. “She just wanted to be close.”

  Myra gets hit hard with a wave of nausea in the pit of her stomach. She wraps an arm around her waist and squeezes a little.

  He takes in a deep breath. “After she graduated, she started talking about getting married and before I kne
w it, she was dragging my ass to jewelry stores. There were a couple of women that worked in the office at my dad’s company that were always… well, flirting with me, I guess you could say. Sabrina was jealous and wanted to stake her claim. It pissed me the fuck off because I was committed to her and wanted her to trust me. But I was young and, well, I just went along with whatever the hell she said. We’d been together for almost seven years at that point, and I knew I wanted to be with her. So she picked out a ring and we were engaged. We got married about six months later and moved into a small apartment. She got a job working in an art gallery, which she loved.”

  He rubs his hand over his neck. “We were happy for the most part. I mean, things weren’t perfect or anything like that. Shit wasn’t always easy. We fought a lot like any couple, I guess, but we made it work. We bought a small house; a fixer-upper. I did a lot of remodeling and shit on it. We were hoping to sell it later on and buy a bigger house with the profit.”

  He stops talking and picks up his mug, taking a drink of his coffee. Setting it back down, he stares at it for a moment. Myra watches curiously as he stands up and begins pacing back and forth before stopping in front of Susie’s sliding glass doors that lead to the deck. He stares outside for a long moment, then takes in a deep breath and blows it out slowly. “We’d been married not quite a year when...” He stops and clears his throat, bending his head slightly and rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “Um, we…” He pauses again and rubs his eyes with his hands. “Sabrina got… pregnant.”

  Myra stifles a gasp. It feels as though her heart has stuttered some beats in her chest. The thought of him having children has never, ever crossed her mind. Her head swims and the nauseated feeling she felt intensifies to the point that she feels like she might actually get sick.

  Dylan rubs his palms on the front of his jeans. He pulls in another deep breath and blows it out loudly, puffing his cheeks out. He looks over at Myra. “This shit is gonna be really hard for me to talk about so just hang with me, okay?” he says in a strained voice.

  Myra scoots to the edge of her seat, her hands clasped together tightly in her lap. She gives him a quick nod as her heart hammers fiercely in her chest.