by J. L. Beck
Are you kidding me? She had to be kidding me. I felt like the dirt on the ground. Like the fucking scum beneath her shoes. I had left her when she needed me most. I had made this mess and now it was my job to make it right. To be the man she had needed all those years ago. If I was going to do anything, it was prove to her how much she meant to me all those years ago, and how much she meant to me now.
Chapter Ten
Tegan
His anger was palpable.
His face said it all.
My intentions were to never tell him what had happened. I had gotten this far alone managing my own problems. Looking at him now, the look on his face, the hurt in his eyes, and I knew he wouldn’t allow me to continue down this path alone.
“You’ve been alone through all of this the whole fucking time.” His face was angled toward the sky as I shielded my own eyes from the sun to stare up at him. His fists were clenched, the veins in his hands, arms, and neck bulging. It was evident he was feeling guilty about everything that had happened and he should. After all, it was he who broke my heart.
Yet, I couldn’t help but feel bad. Had this happened months ago where he came back into my life attempting to rescue me like a knight in shining armor, where he showed this same emotion, I probably would’ve felt a sliver of satisfaction. However, now—now I just felt bad.
“Dev, it’s not like you could’ve predicted any of this would take place. Neither of us knew what the future held.” I meant every word I said as I pushed myself off the ground, brushing away the weeds that stuck to my butt and shirt.
Did I hate Devon for leaving me? No. Hate wasn’t something I could ever feel for a man like him. I didn’t hate him when he broke my heart or when he left me there to pick every fucking piece up. Nope, hate was farfetched because even then, even fucking then, I knew I still loved him. After all, how could you hate someone when your heart ached for them? When your lungs filled with air for them? When you lived for them? That’s the way he made me feel back then, and it was the way I still felt today. Some things would never change and my love for him was one of those things.
“You’re right…” He blew out a frustrated sigh. “You’re so right, Tegan, because had I known this is what your future would hold, I would never have left you. I wouldn’t have ever let you slip through my fingers. When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you… God, I was so fucking wrong…” I could feel the anguish in his words. Sadness poured from every one of them.
Craning my neck up at him, I watched as he dealt with his own emotions. There were a million things running through my mind, but I couldn’t form anything into words. Where would we go from here? Could I ever forget the past? I honestly didn’t know.
“When I woke up this morning, I wanted nothing to do with you. I didn’t want to hear your excuses… I didn’t want to think about any of it…”
“So that’s why you ran?” he questioned, a small laugh leaving his lips. Narrowing my eyes at him, I forced the smart-assed comment to the back of my mind.
“No, I ran because I didn’t want to drag you into this mess. I’m an adult, Devon. I should be able to take care of myself,” I said sarcastically as I stomped to release some of the muck stuck to my body. I needed a shower and breakfast. I would’ve had those things if I hadn’t run...
“An adult or not, you shouldn’t have had to go through this alone. In fact, from here on out, I will see that you’re properly taken care of.” His words were cunning as he walked away from me heading toward the cabin.
Where did he think he was going, and why the hell did he think he suddenly had control of my life?
“Excuse me, but I made it just fine while you were gone. I don’t need you to protect me, Devon. I don’t need any of this,” I grumbled gripping the soft fabric of his shirt to turn him around. He didn’t budge, not even a fraction. Blowing out a breath of air, I came to a stand in front of him, blocking him from making any further movements toward the cabin.
He looked down on me and it was like staring into a mirror. Equal feelings of rage and sadness filled his eyes, contorting his face as he brought one of his hands up to rest on my cheek. The gentle caress was a contrast to the roughness of his hand. It soothed me, but at the same time, made me want things from him my body always desired.
“I fucked up years ago. I fucked up with you, with me, with our love...with every fucking thing. I’m trying to make things right, and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. The feelings I had for you when I pushed you out of my life, I still have, and they will never go away. I want you, I will always want you, but if we aren’t together at the end of all of this, that’s fine, too. I can promise you right here, right now, I will make whatever it is I made wrong in your life right. You’ll never be alone again, Teg.”
His hand pulled away from my cheek and it was then I knew the conversation was over. While I wanted to fight for my own right to stand up for myself, I knew better than that. In all the years we were separated, one thing hadn’t changed—once he was set on something, there was no use in trying to change his mind.
Instead, I followed him back to the house, guilt filling me to the brim. Why did I feel guilty? What had I done that was so bad?
“From here on out, you’re under the protection of the FBI,” Devon said sternly causing my steps to flaunter.
I peered at him. Saying I was still attracted to him was an understatement. I still wanted him the same way I had the day he left. I still longed for him in ways that should be illegal and that, above all else, scared me.
“Why did you go into the FBI, Devon? I know your parents were in the wrong crowd, but we could’ve worked it out.” My question was going to send me down memory lane to a place I had locked away at the back of my mind and heart. Reaching out to touch it would hurt me more than anything, but at least it was getting all the attention off me and on to him. For that reason alone, I was more than willing to take the trip.
This time, when I asked, I wasn’t grasping at straws. I knew all about who his parents were now. High-end drug dealers. They sold the good stuff to everyone—at least ‘everyone’ who could afford it.
“Come in the house and we’ll talk about it…” he said shoving the front door open. I took a step forward and then another, crossing the threshold. The sound of running water met my ears. Fuck, I forgot to turn off the water.
My cheeks blushed as I caught the smirk on Devon’s face as he closed the front door and made his way into the bathroom to turn the water off. I heard the creaking knobs as the sound of running water diminished.
I took a seat on the manmade bed he had made out on the couch. After all that we had just talked about, yesterday felt like a distant memory.
“I chose to go into the FBI for numerous reasons. Most of which you knew when we were together. I needed to get out of the situation that I was in. I couldn’t stay in this town. I sought out a couple people who I could shadow. I told them about my life at home and we went from there.”
He took the empty spot next to me. Why we were both sitting on his makeshift bed covered in dirt, mud, and who knows what else, I didn’t know. I just knew, looking at him now, I didn’t want to stop.
“Then you just decided that leaving was best?” I questioned.
He smirked, the dimples on his cheeks showing profusely. “We went over this, Tegan. I did what I thought was right for the two of us. I’m not going to draw it out anymore. I fucked up, and I’m going to do what I can from here on out to fix shit.”
“Okay, so where do we go from here?” I asked curiously.
I wasn’t really sure what his plan was. I was under the FBI’s protection, even though what had taken place was my fault… okay, not really mine, but Jamie’s—but that didn’t matter though. You get the point.
“Well, first, we need to get cleaned up, eat, and then we need to gather some information.”
“What kind of information?” I could always go talk to Tony. May
be he has some information about Liam… or maybe Liam’s boss?
“Well, for starters, who it is we are up against and what exactly they planned to do with you after they got their money,” he said, getting up from the couch, only to pull his shirt and pants off. It was then, in less than five seconds, my eyes started to wander. Yes, they did. They wandered over his abs, his chiseled six-pack, the ripples of his muscles, over every piece of toned flesh on his body.
“Staring is frowned upon, but since were already past that, why don’t you strip off your clothes and let me ogle you.”
“Uhh….” My tongue was caught at the back of my throat.
“What? You know you want to,” he teased, his voice was so seductive. Pure sex. I felt myself reaching for the hem of my shirt without even knowing it.
No. Enough already. Keep your shit together. Don’t go throwing your panties at the very person who walked out on you. Keep it professional. You might still care about him, even love him, but it doesn’t mean, once the assignment is done, he’ll stay. He’ll leave again, so protect yourself now.
“Uhh... I don’t think so, cowboy…” I murmured cursing myself with every word. I had been dying to get my hands on him for years... not months, but years.
He smirked, his green eyes sparkling with so much mischievousness he could put a three-year-old who snuck out of bed to shame.
“Suit yourself,” he whispered, his voice husky with a need I knew all too well. He still wanted me. At least that much was still true.
I watched as he walked away, his ass purposely swaying in the wind. The last twenty-four hours had changed my life. Not only for the bad, but also for the good. Either way, I would finally be able to walk away with closure, the closure I never knew I needed but always wanted. That is, if I didn’t end up falling for him again. Hell, who was I kidding? I was one step away from reliving my own personal hell.
I wanted what we had. I wanted his mind, body, and soul. I wanted a house, a white picket fence, and two point five kids. Now, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared because I was. I was scared as hell, but that fear didn’t stop me from feeling everything I was feeling.
I would also be lying if I said I wasn’t still wildly in love with him. Either way, I had to protect myself. There was more than just our romance on the line. Tomorrow we both could very well be dead. A girl on the run and an undercover FBI agent. Who would’ve thought this would be my future?
* * *
Now that I was showered and fully fed, we needed to sit down and determine where we both would go from here. I knew going to Tony was a risk, but it was one I needed to take. Plus, he was my boss, but aside from that, he was my friend and he had the right to know I was okay.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you go talk to Tony. You can’t tell him I’m an FBI agent, and you can’t just ask him if he knows who those men are. What if he’s working with them? Better yet...what if he’s their boss? You have to think outside the box, Tegan.”
Devon scolded me like a child. As if I didn’t realize how serious the situation was. “I’m aware of what I can and cannot talk about, Devon. I’m aware I can’t just go in there throwing questions around, but I’ve known Tony for a while. He was one of Jamie’s best friends. He gave me a job when I had nothing. If anyone was going to hurt me, the last person it would be is Tony,” I said truthfully. I had nothing to worry about when it came to Tony.
“Right…” Devon rolled his eyes, aggravated with my choice. Not like I liked his any better. He wanted to talk to his parents, leaving me here at the cabin.
“Well, it’s not as if I like your decision either. You want to leave me hidden here while you go out there and talk to your parents. The two people who could care less about you or me—let alone the situation we are in. I think not.” He had to know that was not very reassuring.
“Well, what did you expect, Tegan? I can’t exactly have you gallivanting around the countryside while there’s a bright ass red X on your back.”
I growled, my mind working out a way for both of us to be able to do this. He didn’t know his parents like I did—well, like everyone in this town did.
“What if you go to your parents, I go talk to Tony, and then we meet here at a certain time?” I added a smile for effect, hoping my smile could still bring him to his knees.
He stared at me hard for all of a second before his gaze turned soft.
“I don’t want anything to happen to you. If something happens to you, I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do. I’ll probably burn the whole fucking town down.” He looked pained and suddenly, it dawned on me. Did he think we still had a chance and when the hell did my thoughts turn from the task at hand to us? I needed to stop.
Protect yourself.
“Nothing will happen. We’ll meet back here at three,” I reassured him. I was wearing an old pair of his sweats and one of his shirts. His smell surrounded me, which explained why my thoughts kept turning to us. It was as if he was on me with every single breath I took.
He watched me, a weary look showing in his eyes. His chest heaved out a breath as his face filled with frustration. Was this really that hard?
“Nothing you are saying is reassuring me, Tegan. Nothing is okay unless I really know that it is. Unless I’m standing there with you through everything.” His voice was sincere and that alone almost shattered me. How could we both go from so much hurt, sadness, and anger to this?
“I’ll be fine. I’ll go in, talk to him, and then we can stop by my apartment so I can pick up some clothes,” I said, gesturing down at my current attire.
“You mean to tell me you don’t like my sweats and shirt?” he teased, a dimpled grin showing on his face. Wearing Devon’s clothing wasn’t bad, but it was doing shit to my head. I needed my own things because once you start letting a woman wear your clothes, you’re making things ten times more personal.
“Uhh… They’re nice and thanks again for letting me borrow them. It’s just I want my own clothing.” I failed to add it just seems too personal.
A piece of my auburn hair slipped from behind my ear shielding my face from his. He hadn’t a clue what his sweats and shirt were actually doing to me. It was strange how, even after all these years, he still had control over me. He held my heart in his hands, the pain he had made it suffer didn’t matter. My heart was his and looking in his eyes, I knew his was mine.
We watched each other for a moment longer before he nodded his head, one of his hands running down his face as he pulled out his phone.
“Here’s the deal. I’ll take you into town, and we can get you some clothes from your place. We will not stop and talk to Tony or my parents until tomorrow. Let’s let the drama that happened yesterday settle. I don’t want to seem too eager for information.” He paused before adding, “I swear though, if I see one suspicious thing, we are out. Gone.” His voice turned dark and a shiver ran down my spine. “Do you understand me?” He demanded an answer from me, so I nodded my head. I bit into my bottom lip, thinking of all the ways he could use his dark, demanding voice on me.
“Good and stop biting that bottom fucking lip. It makes me want to take it between my own teeth and fuck you senseless,” he growled. My eyes grew large as lust formed deep in my belly. What was I supposed to say to that? Could I fucking say anything to that? Anything not involving me to pant over him or go to my knees? I wanted to argue with him about how I should be able to talk to Tony when I wanted to, but I didn’t have the courage to do so.
That’s why I kept my mouth shut. I released my bottom lip from my teeth and nodded my head. A smile was on the verge of forming on my face, but I pushed it away, not wanting him to know how everything he said or did had an effect on me.
“Good. Now we need to get the fuck out of here right now.” He stood, grabbing his keys, phone, and wallet. I stood there in amazement, watching his fluid movements only then realizing he was getting ready to leave.
“Why?”
He turned around j
ust as the words escaped from my lips, his eyes dazzling with a darkness I had never seen.
“Because if we don’t leave right this second, nothing will stop me from bending you over that couch and fucking you until the only thing you can think about is my cock sliding in and out of you as I claim you as my own.” His voice was deep, so very deep. His words washed over me and I felt as if I were drowning in them.
Was there really any point in hiding my feelings from him when it was evident he wasn’t hiding his?
All I knew for certain was we were on the verge of becoming something amazing or one hot fucking mess. Neither was good if I was honest with myself, but me being honest with myself didn’t stop me from wanting to dive head first into whatever the fuck this was. The real question was would I sink or swim?
Chapter Eleven
Devon
The tension between the two of us could be cut with a knife. It wasn’t just actual tension but more so along the lines of—I want to fuck your brains out. It had been too long since I had last fucked something. As we drove into town, Tegan stayed silent in her seat as I struggled to figure out what I wanted to do with her. I knew what I wanted to do to her—not the other way around.
“Where do you live?” I asked. My voice was ragged. I was white knuckling the shit out of the steering wheel— and for what—to avoid reaching out and touching her? To stop myself from causing her more unneeded heartache?
“South Side, down on Broadway,” she mumbled her eyes still directed out the window at the trees and houses we passed as if they were far more interesting than I was. As soon as we got into the car there seemed to be a disconnection between the two of us.
I turned down one of the back roads to get to her street and decided then I needed to say something because the silence was killing me.
“About what I said back there… it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you—” I was struggling for words.
“It’s not a big deal, Devon,” she interrupted me. Her voice didn’t hold any anger. In fact, it didn’t hold much of any emotion. It could’ve been me just imagining shit, but I was pretty sure it was her... shutting me out.