by Layla Nash
"But we're not mates. We can't be." I squeezed my eyes shut and sat forward, hiding my face. I hated crying in front of people, and this was an ugly cry. She might be sympathetic and one of the nicest people I'd ever met, but no one needed to see me ugly cry.
"There is no way that life and love are over for you because you lost your mate." She poked me in the side and made me jump. "I know everyone acts that way, but for fuck's sake, life can't be that cruel. And you prove it wrong every day. You and Edgar work together. You feel better when he's here, and he's a different man since he rescued you. He's better. It might take more work than the magical kind of mate-bond, Ivy, but you two need each other."
I just shook my head.
Natalia groaned as she sat forward and then got to her feet. "Think about it. It's very, very late and I'm exhausted. You look about done in as well. So get some rest, if you can, and we can talk more later. But do me a favor, will you?"
When I looked at her, she gestured at the baby. "Can you pick her up? I don't know if I can get down and back up again."
Panic surged to my throat and I almost lost the whiskey I'd had. But I held my breath and scooped the baby up from where she slept. She weighed more than I expected, a warm heavy little bundle to hand over to Natalia. Nat carefully tucked the baby onto her shoulder and walked toward the door. "What's her name, by the way?"
"She didn't have one. Just a number." It hurt to say out loud.
"Then give her one, silly."
I hesitated in the doorway, looking at her and the baby as Edgar watched from the hall. "I don't know if I should."
"Well, think on it." Nat smiled at Edgar, patted the baby's back, and meandered down the hall, humming the whole way. Leaving me and Edgar, staring at each other.
When the silence stretched and he didn't move or speak, I sighed. "I'm tired, Edgar."
"I know." He hugged me, tight, then led the way through the mansion, away from Natalia and the baby, to his suite.
We didn't speak. I thought for a split second of going to my rooms, right next door, but it was a passing thought only. I stripped my clothes off in a haze of whiskey and fatigue, too tired to care as I slid into the cool sheets. Edgar followed and spooned me close. It was a very long time until I fell asleep, and even then, Keller and Jake both haunted my dreams.
Chapter 25
For the first time, Ivy was still there when he woke. She still slept, curled tight around a pillow and his arm, so Edgar just watched her breathe. Too soon, though, his phone rang with more news from Smith, and she woke, bleary-eyed. He shooed her into the shower as he tried to figure out how to divide up all the work that would need to be done. Smith had taken all of the records from Keller's office, as well as the computers, back to his office for safekeeping and started going through them for more leads. Edgar promised to send Benedict over to help with the legal aspects. Maybe they could find more of the assholes responsible, or at least complicit, in what Keller had been doing.
Ivy didn't say much as she retreated to her room for more clothes and Edgar showered, but she'd returned to his living room by the time he was done. Waiting for him, maybe. He yawned and tried to shake the fog from his brain. "Nat called, they're having a late lunch. You hungry?"
She hesitated, and he knew immediately why — the baby. But Ivy steeled herself and nodded. "Yeah. We should go."
For some reason, her saying 'we' made him think everything would be okay. Even when they walked into the small dining room near Logan's rooms and found Natalia and Logan and the baby there. Just them. Ivy hesitated in the doorway, but Edgar nudged her forward, pulled out her chair at the table before seating himself. The baby lay in a small cradle, swinging next to where Natalia sat, and made happy noises as she waved at a mobile over her head.
Logan raised his eyebrow as he passed a bowl of pasta. "Sleep well?"
"Well enough." Edgar yawned again, then shook his head. "I'm getting too old for the midnight raid shit."
Natalia rolled her eyes. "I doubt that. Ivy, are you feeling okay?"
She winced, rubbing her temples. "For the most part."
"Good." Natalia leaned forward to scoop food onto her plate. "Eat more, for God's sake."
That earned a wan smile, at least, though Edgar caught Ivy watching the baby as Logan complained about the estimates the contractor brought back after seeing the kitchen. Natalia gave him a dark look. "Serves you right for throwing a temper tantrum like that. Ripping my cooktop out and throwing it into the fridge? Imagine."
"That doesn't mean we need to re-do everything."
"You destroyed everything," she said, laughing. "Even the cabinets. And the island. And the floor. So what do you expect?"
They bickered good-naturedly back and forth, occasionally trying to draw Edgar or Ivy into the discussion, but Edgar waved them off and concentrated on eating. Well, eating and keeping Ivy from jumping out of her skin every time the baby made a noise. By the time the argument resolved — well, by the time Natalia got her way and Logan just raised his hands in acknowledgement that she would design whatever kind of kitchen she wanted — Edgar wondered what they schemed. Logan never pushed back against something Natalia wanted. Normally the alpha went overboard to give her everything she wanted and more, until Natalia was the one to tell him to quit spending money. Edgar eyed his brother askance and reached for another beer. "What's up, Logan?"
The alpha frowned and leaned back in his chair. "We're looking at more remodeling. Possibly. Thought you might want to weigh in."
Edgar didn't look at Ivy but felt her go very still next to him. "Sure. Whatever you need."
Natalia took a deep breath, then reached across the table to take Ivy's hand. "Another nursery. We just don't know where to put it."
Edgar leaned back and took a deep breath. The million dollar question.
It was Ivy who broke the silence, her voice and gaze steady. "I don't know if I can tell you that yet."
"I thought that might be the case." Logan cleared his throat and frowned down at his plate, looking a touch uncomfortable. "So you know, Ivy, Natalia and I are honored to look after the kit, for as long as you need. Forever, if that's what you want."
Natalia scooted her chair closer to Ivy, and pulled the girl into a half-hug. "Honey, take your time. There are so many people who love this baby already. All of us, of course, and Sophia and Ruby and Carter and Atticus. Everyone in the family. Even Kaiser..." Nat broke off with a laugh. "Kaiser's called at least twice today to check on her. The bears love her, and the rest of Ruby's pack, everyone."
"Everyone except me," Ivy said in a flat monotone that made Edgar's skin crawl. "What does that say about me? Everyone else wants her, is desperate to hold her, but I can't — I can't feel anything but fear for her."
"It says you need time." Nat's voice grew fierce, and though her eyes were red-rimmed, she still looked ready to jump up and take on the world. "I'll be honest, honey. I have no idea how I would feel if I was in your spot. If a baby suddenly showed up that I had no part in making. Not having the choice..." She shook her head and a few of the tears escaped. "That's a violation that I can't even wrap my head around. Take as much time as you want, Ivy, to think through this. To decide. And know that you can be whoever you want to this baby — if you want to be her mother, wonderful. If you want to be her aunt, wonderful. If you want to be someone who comes to Christmas dinner and maybe sends her a birthday card, wonderful. I will beat the shit out of anyone who tries to pressure you into anything." And she held up her knife to illustrate the point.
Logan carefully removed the flatware from her grip, placing it on the other side of the table, and squeezed his wife's shoulder as he watched Ivy. "What Natalia is trying to say, Ivy, is that the baby will be taken care of and loved, for now and for always. So you can decide what role you want to play in her life with no pressure, no expectations, no judgment. Take as long as you need."
Edgar loved his brother more in that moment than he ever had, and had to look do
wn at the table as his throat burned and he though he might cry. Ivy sounded small, a little lost. "Thank you. I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything." Natalia brushed at her cheeks and tried a bright smile. "Although have you thought about a name for her? Even just a nickname? We want Benedict to file paperwork establishing custody as soon as possible, so we can take her to the doctor and make sure she's getting all her shots."
A name. Edgar rubbed his jaw. That was a heavy burden. The baby would have that name the rest of her life. He frowned as he studied the small thing waving her arms and legs in the cradle. Ivy's hand shook under the table as she reached for him, and he held tightly to her fingers, though her expression remained aloof. "I haven't thought of anything. You should name her. You've spent more time with her."
Natalia raised an eyebrow and turned to peer at the baby. "Well, sure. We can give her a nickname until we all get to know her a little better. What about Kit?"
Edgar snorted. "That's like calling her 'Baby.'"
"Better than 'Pup,'" Logan said, hiding a smile.
Natalia scowled. "Fine, asshole. You come up with something."
Logan studied the baby, leaning across his wife to bounce the mobile until the baby cooed. "She looks like a fat little peanut. Call her Peanut."
"You're useless," Natalia said, laughing. "We are not calling that child Peanut."
"Ella," Ivy said abruptly. "Call her Ella Rose."
"That's beautiful." Natalia picked up the baby and held her up. "Ella Rose. I think it fits her perfectly, Ivy. Where is it from?"
"That was my mother's name." She took a shaky breath and the dam broke, the tears flowed, and her face crumpled. A sob hiccuped in her throat and Ivy lurched up from the table, fleeing the room before Edgar could do more than reach for her.
He went after her after Natalia made a strangled sound, not ready to hear his sister-in-law crying as well, and managed to catch up with Ivy in the hall. He caught her shoulder and pulled her against his chest, holding her close in a hug. "It's okay."
She pressed her face against his neck and her tears soaked into his shirt. "I don't know if it will be."
"It will." He rubbed her back in slow circles. "It might take a while, but it'll be okay."
She took a shaky breath and straightened, wiping at her cheeks. "I need some time, Edgar."
"Of course." He still held her shoulders, the lion unwilling to let her go entirely when she looked so damn miserable. "We'll have a late dinner, then —"
"More than that. I need a couple days at least." She rubbed the back of her neck and turned away. "I just — there's too much to think through. I can't think here. Everything gets all cloudy and mixed up."
"Okay." He folded his arms over his chest, trying to armor himself against her saying she wanted to leave entirely. Felt his heart crack. "Take whatever time you need."
"Thanks," she said, soft and sad. Hurting. She turned to go and his heart caught in his throat.
He wanted to beg her to come back, to lay with him in the hammock in the sun, but all he could say was, "Don't go after Keller without me."
Ivy froze, turning slowly to look at him, and he knew immediately by her expression that that was exactly what she'd planned. Ivy hugged herself. "You should stay here, Edgar. With your family. You shouldn't go running after him. They need you too much."
"You're my family," he said, voice rough. "That baby is your family. We need you."
"Nat will be a better mother than I could ever be. Sophia or Ruby, if she's too busy. Even Eloise, for God's sake, would be better at it. I don't know if I can take care of that baby. She looks too much like Jake. My heart hurts every time I see her." The tears fell down her cheeks once more, silent.
Edgar took a deep breath. "Just try. Take your time but try. Hold her. Feed her. Listen to her. Doesn't the wolf part of you want her? The wolverine?"
"They want to kill Keller more," she said, looking away. "The baby is safer here."
"Ivy," he said, then stopped himself. Closed his eyes and fought for control before he went on. "Isobel. We will get Keller, but you can't let him run your life anymore. You have a lot of other people who need you, who want to be part of your life. You can't keep running from that."
She strode up to him and caught his face in her hands, searching his expression for something, then kissed him. It felt like good-bye. She turned on her heel and fled, disappearing around a corner before he could think of anything to say.
She didn't show up for dinner, but when he'd resigned himself to not seeing her for a while, she slid into bed with him. They made love in the dark, with soft urgency and a hint of desperation, and Edgar thought everything would work out. They'd find a way to talk, to communicate, and she would stay.
Ivy disappeared in the night, and Edgar wondered if he'd have to get better locks on his doors to get her to sleep over until morning. But when he got up for breakfast, she wasn't there. Or in her room. Or anywhere in the mansion. Ruby broke the news to him — Ivy took a car and headed west at four in the morning. She didn't tell anyone where she was going, and she didn't take anything with her.
Edgar sat on the porch all day, staring west and hoping to see the dust of an approaching car. Not even the hammock brought him any peace.
Chapter 26
It took several days to drive to where I'd hidden the files in a safety deposit box at a small town bank in the middle of nowhere. After I got the files, I kept driving west, away from Edgar and the baby and everything that Keller had touched. I drove until I ran out of gas in another small town, and rented a room at the motel with a faded sign and free cable movies. The drive gave me time to think. The room gave me the anonymity to grieve.
I cried for what felt like a week straight, reading the files. Remembering. Mourning who and what I'd lost. Trying to come up with the best way to honor the memories of those who died and everyone else who still lived. Or tried to live. Living was the hard part.
The more I thought, the more I remembered and raged at the unfairness of it all, the more I knew I didn't want to be alone anymore. What happened would never be okay, would never go away entirely, but life would be better with people in it. People who loved me, cared for me, wanted to help me. Life would be better with Edgar. A family. Being alone was too heavy a burden to bear. I couldn't do it anymore.
And so I drove east again, and each mile that passed lightened the weight on my shoulders until I could breathe. I knew Edgar would be waiting, and Natalia, and Ruby, and the others. Even the baby. That tiny, breathing reminder of Jake.
When I reached the city, I didn't go the mansion. I drove downtown, through the neat grid of streets to a tall building I'd visited only once. The elevator was lonely without Edgar. The receptionist didn't recognize me, so when I asked for Smith, she called back to the office to let him know Ivy wanted to see him. Smith appeared almost immediately, his eyebrows raised in surprise as he shook my hand. He at least waited until we were in his office to speak, though he looked at the box I carried. "I'm glad to see you but a little surprised you're here. Edgar said you'd taken a trip?"
"Something like that." I didn't sit, though I nodded at the box. "I had to get the files. I thought you'd want to go over them."
"Of course." He looked around the cluttered office, over-flowing with boxes and folders and other evidence from Keller's business, then gestured at a small conference room across the hall. "This will be more comfortable, no doubt. Please, make yourself comfortable. Coffee? Tea?"
I shook my head. "I just want to get through this." Because I didn't know how long my courage would last, and I wanted to be home with Edgar before dinner.
"I have to make a quick call to one of my associates. Make yourself comfortable next door and I'll be in directly." Smith patted an accordion file on his desk. "Hopefully we can reconcile a lot of the questions we still have."
The conference room felt sterile and unwelcoming, like most doctors' offices, but I concentrated on th
e files. The box occupied one of the chairs next to me and I pulled off the lid, trying to decide where to start. Smith walked in, carrying his own pile of paperwork and a massive scrapbook, and sat down across from me. Before he even opened his mouth, the receptionist brought bottles of water, a couple of coffee cups, and some sodas. She closed the door when she left, and left Smith and I looking at each other in silence.
I gnawed my lower lip, then swallowed whatever trepidation remained. "Before I get into this, I have a question. I'd like to know the answer, but if you can't, I understand."
"Ask away, young lady."
"What are you?" I leaned forward on the table, trying to inhale more of him to figure out what the hell he was. "I thought you might be fae, but I just don't know."
His white eyebrows rose and he smiled a little as he drank one of the coffees. "You're the first person to ask me that in a very long time. Yes, Ivy, I'm fae. Which one, of course, I can't tell you."
"Sure." I rubbed my jaw, then attempted a smile. "My mother studied the fae myths a great deal. She'd always wanted to meet some of the old ones."
"I would have been honored to meet her," he said, solemn and grave. "Truly."
I took a shaky breath, then pulled a chunk of the files out of the box. Rested them in my lap. "How do you want to do this? I don't know all of their names. Some of them just have numbers."
"I have all the kids who've been declared missing in the last twenty years here," he said, patting the scrapbook. "I can start with these names, we can match them to any files you have, and then if there are files leftover, we can add those to the list. Does that work?"