When we pull into the driveway he kisses me deeply before I open the door to leave.
“I am coming by to say my goodbyes tomorrow to everyone. I want you to promise me that you will write to me. Once a week. Just tell me what you are doing. Tell me you miss me. I need you to promise me that you will wait for me. This wasn’t the way I planned any of this to happen, but I want you Alyssa Abbot. I want to make us official when I come home and you and me… We have some dreams to build.”
It was cheesy, and if it had ever been anyone other than Tyler, I probably would have laughed. But Tyler wasn’t just any guy, he was the love of my life saying all the right things. I had no choice but to believe him and hold tight to every single word.
I nod gently, taking in everything I can about him, who knows when I will see this beautiful face again. Those blue eyes with the flecks of gold around his pupils. The plump shape of his beautiful lips that beg to be kissed. How tall he is, how strong he appears without looking like he has to work out.
I feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest. I love him. I love everything about him, and yet, deep down I feel like this will be the last time he will really be mine.
And he’s only been mine for 5 minutes.
I step away from the truck. Holding back the tears so he doesn’t notice what this is doing to me.
I watch him pull out of the driveway. I feel like there is a ton of bricks sitting in my stomach.
Mom comes out through the screen door, a glass of sweet iced tea in her hand.
“Hey baby, I thought I heard Tyler’s truck out here?”
The tears have begun falling down my face, there is no use trying to hide them. She knows me better than I know myself sometimes, there is no doubt she is going to know that I am not okay.
Mom sets the glass down on the patio table and wraps me in one of her special all-knowing mom hugs.
“He’s leaving me.” I cry
Mom doesn’t say “Why does it matter to you?” or anything like that, instead she kisses my temple and whispers “He’ll come back to you baby. Just hold on.”
Chapter Six
The day that Tyler hopped a plane to Hawaii, was maybe one of the hardest days I have or will ever have.
He again made me promise to write, he made me swear I would wait for him and he told me he would miss me. There was no more talk about what we would do when he got out, there was no mention of anything other than writing to one another, and the small glimmers of hope I felt in each of his glances in my direction.
Matt knew something was happening between us, but he never said a word to his best friend as he left for this life changing experience. He patted him on the back, wished him luck and gave me a knowing look.
Tyler was given his high school diploma a few days early due to his basic training. Later, Matt marched with the rest of their graduating class. I still cheered for Matt but I felt the massive hole of the missing person who should have been here, beside my brother.
Mom and I tried to busy ourselves with shopping and nail treatments and all things girly but I couldn’t get Tyler off my mind.
Mom knew about Tyler and me. She was shocked when I told her that nothing had happened between us before the night we actually had sex.
“He was always watched you. No matter what was happening, his eyes were on you.”
I never realized it.
It made me miss him more.
Dad even made a few comments about how much he missed Tyler. Everyone felt the loss of his presence.
I decided it would be best if I started writing to him early. I wouldn’t be able to send him much while he was in basic training. I already wanted him to come back, so I wouldn’t have to rely on email or letters but it was my only option. With luck he would get a few months of down time before he would get an assignment.
I went up to my room and pulled out my Mac book.
I just wrote whatever felt right. He would want to know what he was missing while he was away.
Dear Tyler,
Graduation was a spectacular event. Mike Rogers showed up smashing drunk, he knocked down the whole third row of bleachers when he passed out. I guess those rumors about steroid use were true. The guy fell like a brick house.
Mom cried when Matt accepted his diploma, I cried too, but Matt totally had tears in his eyes when he sat back down in his seat. I probably shouldn’t tell you that, but it’s true. Matt Abbot does indeed own functioning tear ducts.
Mom had your room cleaned up. She decided she’s going to keep it as is for you, in case you get time off before you are given a job. She misses you. I think she misses your laundry more *wink wink*
I started packing for my internship. I know it’s a week away and I should have started before now, it’s 2 months long so I can’t really mess around, but I don’t really feel up to it. I haven’t felt really well for about 3 weeks now. I know that is when I last saw you, I don’t think it’s you going away. Just a coincidence. Mom thinks it is nerves. Dad told me not to worry. I think I just worry about being away from home for the first time.
I worry about you too.
How is it? Do you get to sleep in actual beds? Made any new friends? Do they have girls there? Only one of these questions I really need to know... I won’t tell you which one. lol
Well it’s getting late. I think I am going to pop a movie in and snuggle with Mom before bed.
I miss you sitting on the edge of the couch with a bowl of popcorn, moaning about how stupid the plots of our romance movies are.
Just a hint. Every woman wants a Noah Calhoun…
Hope you are well. I miss you
Love, A
I sent the email. I knew for a while he would be able to check his email, and he promised to let me know if snail mail would be preferred when the time came.
*********
The next morning at breakfast Mom and Dad asked me if I was okay.
It seems silly, I am a bubbly girl. I am always happy, but recently I am just in this funk, I feel weird, I miss Tyler and I am nervous, so very nervous about leaving home and going to New York for the summer but I am determined to make it through.
“I’ll be fine, it’s just nerves and stress.” I smile.
Dad doesn’t seem convinced.
“You know, we all know how you and Tyler feel about one another. I think the only ones who didn’t know for so long were the two of you. This will be over before you know it.” He reaches across the table and pats my hand gently.
Dad has rough hands. He always has, years of picking cotton and running heavy machinery will do that to you, but he still has a gentle touch. He’s a soft man if he loves you. I might be 17 years old, but he will always be my Daddy.
“Thanks Dad.” I reply placing my other hand on top of his.
“Anyway.” Dad says, clearing his throat and pulling his hand away “Your flight leaves tomorrow night at 4, it shouldn’t take too long, about 2 hours. I booked you first class of course. Make sure you bring your laptop. I also bought you these.
He pulls out a paper bag and places it on the table
I reach over and take the package. When I open it I laugh.
Inside are 3 unopened Smythson diaries.
Dad always buys me one for Christmas every year. He always says that quality work should be done on quality paper. I don’t mind writing my stories or ideas down on a good ole Mead notebook for 2 dollars, but Dad has this aversion to me writing in anything less than the best.
Smythson is a British company, their journals are insanely over-priced. I know for a fact that each of these diaries costs about $260 dollars. But it makes him happy. And the fact that at 17 I can make my father proud like I do, is really the most important thing. Again, not that money is an issue, I just laugh at his need for my ideas to be written in such luxury.
“Now.” He begins “Two of these are to do with as you please. But one of these.” He pauses handing me a light brown journal “I want you to use one of these the way
they are used by half the population. I want you to write down your feelings. When I was younger, Grandpop had me write letters to myself for 20 years down the line. I want you to do the same. Write a letter to married with babies you. Write a letter to tell yourself that you are going to get through all of this. This internship is not the biggest thing you will do with your life. But it is the biggest thing 17 year old you will ever do. Write it down, remember it and one day remind yourself of everything you felt during this adventure. Who knows, maybe it will be your biggest seller yet. ‘The Autobiography of Alyssa Abbot.” He laughs.
I don’t feel the tears until they are splashing against the table cloth and I feel Matt reach over and pull me to him. “It’s okay little sister. You got this all in the bag.” And just as soon as it started, the brother hug is over.
I head upstairs to finish the last of my packing. Still choking down the feeling like this, what I am about to do, is not going to end the way that I want it to. I know it’s just leaving my parents that is eating me up the most. It’s only a month. Originally it was a 2 month internship, but Maureen, the lady at the magazine decided she only needed me for a month but that I would get just as much credit and experience in those 30 days as I would have for the full 60. She emailed me this morning.
Mom comes in shortly before I climb into bed. She sits on my bed and rubs my leg to comfort me, like she did when I was little.
“You are braver than you think, Alyssa.” She whispers
I nod my head. I know Mom and Dad think I am this super awesome person, destined for wonderful things, I just wish I was feeling it too.
Chapter Seven
Dear Tyler,
So New York, New York… I’m here. I’m not really sure what I think of the ‘Big Apple.’ Only that it smells really bad. Like throw up and pollution. If you pass the right street it smells like beer and pizza. I miss the smell of Cherry blossoms and summer in Georgia, but I’m trying to be brave. And learn to mouth breath.
The cab drivers are all total assholes. The other day it was pouring rain and I was coming back from Starbucks. I hailed one down and some other jerk in a business suit, jumped in while I was trying to avoid dropping a tray of lattes. I looked at the cab driver expecting him to help me out, but instead the man laughed and said “Sorry chick.”
My boss is nice, but she can be a bit like a slave driver. She has me running morning, noon and night. I fetch coffee, I watch her work, drag around her dry cleaning, book her dinner reservations and I fetch her lunches. Basically my internship is to teach me to be a waitress and a concierge. Which to be honest at this point I might prefer to being her free of charge whipping girl.
I try to remind myself, I only have a week and a half left and then I can go home.
Matt went off to Los Angeles for the summer. He started dating some girl the week after graduation and even though you have only been gone for 5 weeks now, I think he feels the need to keep himself busy. He’s worried about me up here, he’s worried about you and he is really wondering if his choice to study pre-law was the right one.
I miss you.
Love, A
That night I got my first Tyler response.
Hello, Beautiful
I have been getting your emails, I just don’t have a ton of time to reply.
They keep us pretty busy here, granted it’s not fetching coffee busy, but rather climbing over rock walls and disassembling and reassembling automatic guns in minutes flat –busy.
I am sorry you weren’t feeling well. I hope you are feeling better.
We had shitty timing on the whole “you and me thing” but I count down the days until I can see your beautiful face again.
I’m hoping to come home for a few weeks before we get our assignments.
You better be waiting for me.
Love, Tyler
Chapter Eight
“Are you sure that it says positive? I mean are you reading it right?”
Mom looks at me and frowns. “Alyssa, it’s digital, it says p-o-s-i-t-i-v-e.”
She hands me the plastic applicator
“Fuck.” I snap.
“Alyssa Abbot!” my Mom admonishes.
I just became a fucking teenage statistic and she’s worried about my lady like language. Priorities Mom. Seriously.
She rubs my back “It’s going to be okay Alyssa, we can deal with this.”
I look up at her, the sympathy on her face causes the flood gates to open.
“I’m 17 Mom, I can’t have a baby.”
She pulls me so that I am sitting on her lap. It’s been years since I have done this.
“If you choose to not have the baby, I will support you. If you choose to give the baby away, I will support you and if you choose to raise this baby, I’ll support that as well. This can be a blessing if you want it to be, I know it isn’t what you planned, but no matter what you choose, I have your back. After all, you coming so close after your brother was born was a surprise for us, but I’m thankful for both of you every day and I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Mom was the one who came home randomly this morning with a bag full of drug store pregnancy tests. The white bag with red lettering crinkled the entire way up the stairs, mocking my fate with each step my mother made.
I didn’t think I was pregnant, but Mom said after 17 years of being my mother, she knew the difference between my being run down and tired and something being seriously off.
Mom and I talked about Tyler and I having sex. We didn’t get into details, but she said she would rather know the larger points than act shocked later on. We didn’t use protection, which made this entire situation possible.
She told me it was irresponsible. She told me I was to never do something so reckless and stupid again. And then she kissed me and held my hand and we waited for the timer to ding and seal my fate together.
“I have to tell him.” I whispered
“You do.” She agreed
“Do I do it in an email?”
“I think a video chat would be best, I don’t know that it is something you want to chance to email. I think if that is your only way, than you should just do it. But try and tell him face to face if possible, even if it’s through a computer screen or a cell phone.”
I nodded in understanding. I wanted to see his reaction as well. I needed him to help me figure out what to do, to reassure me that things would be ok. I knew I couldn’t have an abortion. I knew he would never ask me to do that. But I needed the comfort that only he can give me right now.
He had been out of basic training for about 3 weeks now. I was officially 10 weeks pregnant. Two and a half months, a human being has been growing inside of me.
“Dad will be mad.” I blurt out.
Mom rubs my back again, tucking my hair behind my neck “Dad will be disappointed, but no one loves you like he does.” She laughs gently “He worships the ground you walk on, you are his baby girl, and he’ll support you just like I do. There is no point in sitting here and being angry about something that we can’t change. It’s a shock, it’s unexpected and certainly unplanned, but financially whatever you choose you are covered, emotionally and physically you will have us by your side while you get through this.”
“Thanks Mom. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, butterfly.”
That night, for the first time I opened the journal that Dad gave me for future me. At first I thought the idea of writing to myself was cheesy and odd but now… Now I felt like I needed to remember all of this. Forever.
Dear Older Me,
Today our life changed. You’re the only one who knows how all of this played out. I don’t know if I will have this baby. I don’t know if Tyler will stand by my side. I don’t know anything. I know that 10 weeks ago I had never had sex before. 10 weeks ago I thought the boy I was in love with would always be around. 10 weeks ago, my biggest decision was choosing to go to an internship in a big city away from home. Tonight, I lie in bed wondering if I am
capable of being a mother to another human being. Mom supports me, deep down I know Dad will support me too and Matt… Matt will be the best uncle. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the right choice is here? I want to be a writer. I want to marry Tyler someday, but I don’t know if I want children. I need Tyler. God, I wish he was here. I don’t know how I get through this, but if you are reading this, if I decided to not do this, I hope it was the right choice. I hope that whatever happens, I can live with it for the rest of my life . . .
Chapter Nine
Hello, Beautiful
Today was my last day of basic training.
It feels like it has been longer than 6 weeks since I last saw your face. I miss you so much.
I miss Matt¸ I miss your mom and dad. I miss everything about that life. I know that joining the Navy was the right choice, but I miss my family. I miss my girl.
I can’t talk long, we have a few minutes on the computer and about 40 men are waiting for their shot. I will talk to you soon.
Wait for me.
Love, Tyler
Dear, Tyler
Waiting for you isn’t the issue. I think I could wait for you for forever. But we need to talk. Can you please find a way to Skype me or something I really need to talk to you, it’s important.
I’m waiting.
Love, A
…..
Hey, Beautiful
I can’t skype. We are being deployed next week, I just got my emergency paperwork. I don’t know when I will be back, they aren’t telling us much right now. I just got word that after tonight we won’t have access to our phones or email.
What’s wrong?
Love, Tyler
……..
Tyler, you have had access to a phone this whole time? Can you call me? I have to tell you something important. It can’t wait.
Love, A
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