……
Beautiful
I can’t call, it’s really loud in here. We are having a party as a last hoorah before we head out to sea. Just tell me what is wrong. Just send it in an email. Can’t be that hard. I just drank half a bottle of Jack and can hardly stand lol.
Love, Tyler
…..
Ah, a party. I see what is so important about that. Go live your life Tyler. I will live mine. Here with all of the consequences that come with ever having loved you.
Stay safe on deployment. Good luck.
Love, A
…….
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN ALYSSA? I have waited for you for fucking years, and because I don’t want to call you on the phone and listen to you complain on what might be my last night of true freedom I have for the next few years? I fucking love you. You know that. You are going to break up with me because I won’t call you and can’t Skype? Seriously? What could possibly be the issue? You didn’t get into the college you wanted? Didn’t like the internship? I am going to war. Give me one night.
-T
……
How petty you make me out to be. It’s all so much more than that. I honestly can’t do any of this anymore. I really need you. I can’t even begin to tell you what is happening. I just need you.
Love, A
…..
Hey chick behind the computer, I don’t know who you are but Tyler left his email up. He’s busy getting WASTEEEEEDDDDD.
Send dirty photo’s unless you are his sister. In that case send two.
Laters
……..
He just left his email open, we were having this conversation and he just left his email wide open for anyone to see.
We were over. There was no other way to put it. He could have stepped outside to call me, but he had to soak up the last few hours of freedom he would have before he left for a war he felt he needed to help fight to prove a point to his lousy father. He didn’t tell me where he was going. I knew that they weren’t able to do that. But he also made no indication of when or if we could talk again.
Mom wasn’t impressed with how he behaved when I let her read the messages. Then again like me, she knew what I had to tell him. She knew how life changing this news was, so she also thought that it was something I should no longer wait to tell him.
Several moments after I sent the last email. I sent another.
Dear Tyler
I don’t know if you are reading this, or if it’s the creepy guy who asked for a picture of me (not his sister by the way) but there is something you need to know.
I’m pregnant.
I found out this morning.
I just really need you to tell me what we should do. Can we do this? I really need you in general.
I love you so much. I have loved you for so long, and I am so scared. You are the only one that can make this better. Just tell me what to do?
Love, A
Dear Older Me: Be strong. Be brave. You can do this.
Chapter Ten – One year later.
“Do you have the new pens I bought you?” Mom asks for the third time this morning.
“Right here in my back pack.”
“What about that one book on your reading list that took forever to find?” She never remembers the name.
“The Heart of Darkness, it’s right here mom.” I laugh.
She’s nervous. It’s my senior year and she’s nervous. I feel like it’s my first time on the school bus all over again. She may as well whip out the old Polaroid.
“I want you to promise me you won’t listen to any trash talking.” She reminds me for the hundredth time. She’s worried, which is sweet, but with everything I’ve been through in the last year I know I’m strong enough to handle a little high school trash talk.
“I know Mom, I am only going for two morning classes. I’ll be back at lunch and then my afternoon on classes start at 1. That gives me enough time to feed the baby, give you a break and then finish up my day. Are you sure he’s going to be okay? I don’t have to do this.”
Mom makes a disapproving noise in the back of her throat.
“I have raised two babies before Alyssa, Evan will be just fine.” The smile creeping up on her face lets me know she thinks I am being funny.
“Are you sure, I mean he might miss me?”
“He’ll be fine Mommy. You are going to miss him more than he will miss you. Now you need to go to school. Earn that diploma and do him proud.” She kisses my cheek.
Mom and Dad sat me down shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Tyler was MIA. Well really he was deployed, but he never responded to my email. He and Matt kept in contact, but he never bothered to call me. Matt never mentioned the baby to Tyler when they spoke, he knew I told him that I was pregnant when I first found out, and he was angry that Tyler never even acknowledged it. He wanted to talk about Evan, to yell at him about how selfish he was for ignoring his son. Matt was also pissed that his best friend was apparently living it up in Spain, having the time of his life while I was back here picking up the pieces. He knew I was pregnant because I told him that night we split up, what he chose to do or not do with that information was up to him. I wouldn’t be that girl that forces him to be a father. If he wants to mimic his own father’s irresponsible selfish behavior and abandon his son, that’s his choice. I won’t beg, I’d rather do it alone then grovel for him to pay attention to the child he helped create. He’s the one missing out anyway, not me.
He would ask about me. Every call. But he never asked about the baby. Then he would tell Matt us ending was my choice and brag about all the hot foreign chicks that fell all over Navy men. After every phone call Matt would come into the living room and hold Evan, trying to control his anger. I know he loves Tyler, he would always be his best friend and he tried to give the fact that he was 19 and fighting in a war credit but he also had to watch me struggle as a first time mother, a single teenage mother at that, and I could tell it was wearing on my brother to bite his tongue during these calls.
After a while, it became easier to not remind he was a father him when we realized that on his deployment he was back to sleeping around and partying like any almost 20 year old with no responsibilities. War my ass, he was basically on a free paid trip around the world with a group of fraternity brothers from what I could gather. Always bragging about his adventures to Matt.
Evan coo’s in the background break through my thoughts of Tyler.
He’s a tiny baby. He was really small when he was born, not quite 5 pounds. I was really sick through my pregnancy, so I had to do most of my junior year online. I decided I needed some human interaction (or my Mom did and the one English course I needed was only offered at the school).
Mom and Dad decided that they wanted me to go back to school full time. They wanted me to finish up. It was hard at first, but I think their belief was there was no use in me giving up my life as so many teen moms before me have, if financially I was able to meet my goals and I had such a strong support system behind me. We were going to make this work, as a family, with or without Tyler’s help.
Matt loved Evan. When he would come home from school one weekend a month, he couldn’t leave the baby’s side. Evan had a way of wrapping people around his tiny little finger. Even at 3 months old and still wearing newborn clothes his personality was huge and he ran the house. Dad and Mom would jokingly argue over whose turn it was to hold him. Although I was still breastfeeding they would change him, burp him. Take him outside for walks together in the evening after dinner so I could get homework done and he would tire out.
I couldn’t have done any of it without them. And they never asked for anything in return, except that I finish school and keep writing. They still wanted me to follow my dreams.
Writing was hard. Not because of school, not because of Evan, but because I had a broken heart. Tyler was there in everything I did, every turn I made. My emotions had been rampant, everything from love, to a
nger, to sadness. Everything I wrote had a dark twist. The darkness was the part of me that wanted bad things to happen to Tyler for leaving me in my hour of need. It was the feeling of being supported by the ones I loved, but neglected by the one I loved most. It was the overwhelming feeling that for the rest of my life, I was someone’s mother and his father didn’t even care that he existed. It was the pain of knowing that his life was back to normal, while mine would never be the same. The feeling of having been used for a piece of ass. The self loathing I felt knowing I had been wasting my best years pining away for the affection of someone I thought I knew, someone who turned out to be my biggest disappointment. Tyler had no intentions of being with me. He didn’t love me like I had loved him. He chose to ignore me that night. He chose to walk away and leave his email up. He chose not to respond when I shared news of our child.
This was all on him. And it was still eating me up. How could I still love someone so much, someone who could hurt me so badly? I wanted to hate him.
So writing stories about fairytales and time travel no longer appealed to me. I wanted to write about broken girls who rise above. Girls who don’t need a man to make them happy. Some days were harder than others, he was always in the back of my mind.
At some point I wanted that strong girl to be me. I would be a girl who could raise her son without crying over his father. I would finish school, I would go to college and I would never ever spend another moment loving Tyler Pierce.
Someday . . .
Chapter eleven – One year later.
Stephen Mayer was my date to my senior prom.
He held my hand, he opened doors for me and at the end of the night, when I was crying for so many different reasons, he gently kissed my cheek and comforted me and brought me back home. Lots of girls would have been thrilled to be there with him, he was everything I could ask for, but I still couldn’t let Tyler go.
Dad was waiting up. He could tell my heart wasn’t in it when Stephen picked me up. He had a plate of Reese’s Peanut butter cups all opened and laid out. A glass of sweet tea filled to the brim with ice and a movie cued and paused when I walked through the door.
He didn’t ask me anything. He didn’t tell me he understood. He was just there. Handing me tissues when I began to sniffle and offering me another piece of chocolate.
My 18th birthday was tomorrow. This morning 4 dozen yellow tulips (my favorite) were delivered to the house along with a voicemail to Matt that said Tyler was coming to my graduation this weekend.
I didn’t know what to say. I had so many emotions piling up at the idea of seeing him again. How would he feel meeting his son? Would he still have feelings for me? Would I melt at the sight of his smile? Would Mom and Dad be okay with him just showing up like that after being gone for so long?
Would he hate me for having Evan? Would he love him once he saw him?
Truth be told Matt said he was always asking about me, but when he would get up the nerve to get angry at his best friend over his lack of involvement with his son, the line would disconnect or something would come up. All I did was tell Tyler that I was pregnant in an email. After the way things ended, I didn’t bother to email him to tell him I decided to keep the baby, I didn’t email him to tell him it was a boy. I just decided that to save my own heart, or what was left of it and decided that when Tyler chose to finally acknowledge his child, I would tell him everything he wanted to know.
I tried to call him myself, to yell at him and tell him how much he was missing. I would dial the number, but I never could bring myself to press ‘call’. I missed Tyler, every single day. I loved him every single day, like he had never left, even in my moments of hatred I loved him. And after a while I just continued to make justifications to myself about why him not seeing his son was best for everyone.
Graduation was here. I knew that I had to talk to Tyler at some point. I was moving to New York for a year. The woman I had my internship with 2 years ago asked me to come back for a year long apprenticeship because she was so impressed with my work and dedication. I was supposed to leave a few days after graduation. Dad got me a condo and I had child care lined up for Evan for the days when I worked. I was excited for this new step.
The day of graduation Matt and Tyler spoke. I didn’t see Matt before I marched. He sent me a text message:
Call me ASAP something u need 2 kno.
I didn’t have time to call him. Our class was lining up.
Instead I got my diploma, smiled and raised my hand to shield the bright Georgia sun from my eyes and saw my mom and dad in the 3rd row. Dad had Evan on his shoulders. Evan was wearing a tiny little pant suit that mom picked out for him at Macy’s and was beyond ecstatic to put him in it. He was clapping his little hands and I could hear the faint sound of him saying “Mama Mama” over the clapping of everyone around him. His smile said everything I ever needed. He was excited for me.
I did well.
When the faculty was finished handing out diplomas, and our caps were thrown in the air, I was done. I made it. I graduated high school. I felt like I was on top of the world. For the first time in years I was proud of myself.
I walked out from the stage and felt my hand being grabbed as someone pulled me away from the crowd.
Tyler.
He was at least 6 feet tall now. He had filled out with more muscle and was sporting a nice golden tan. He was beautiful more than I ever remembered him being before. Smiling at me with both pride and excitement.
Without a second thought I leapt into his arms. He pulled me into a tight hug, spinning me around. God he still smelled the same. A little like sweat and mint. A scent I loved more than anything.
He set me back down “You’re finally done. You looked amazing up there Lyss.”
I smiled and my heart sank as I remembered his rejection, because for that moment just before I felt like a regular teenager again, swooning over her crush “I am surprised you came. Are you on leave?” I said a little more coldly.
His smile never faded, he didn’t notice the change in my demeanor yet “I had to see my girl graduate, and I still have another year left. I’ve been back for a few weeks though, a break before heading out somewhere new.”
“Oh.” I reply. He had been in the states for a few weeks and this was the first time we were seeing him. Typical.
My thoughts go to Evan. I knew Mom and Dad would be looking for me. I open my mouth to remind Tyler about our little boy, but he is suddenly standing very close to me, his hands are on my hips.
“I missed you. It’s so good to see you. I forgot how freaking gorgeous you are.” He whispers. I don’t know what to feel. I want him to hold me, but at the same time I want to hit him.
“Tyler?” I hear a female call.
Tyler backs away from me quickly, like I am fire and I have burned him somehow.
I turn to see who is calling for him, the voice isn’t familiar.
Matt comes running up beside me. He’s angry about something. His eyes are trained on Tyler.
“Get the fuck away from my sister Pierce.” Matt roars.
People are starting to look at us. What the hell is going on?
“Matt?” I start to ask him what is happening but then a beautiful woman with dark brown hair, brown eyes and perfect figure walks up to Tyler and wraps her arms around his waist.
Oh.
Tyler looks at me with almost a look of sympathy in his eyes.
Matt has my arm now, he’s pulling me away from Tyler “Let’s go Alyssa.”
Tyler is still watching me I yank my arm free from Matt.
“Who is that?” I ask Tyler. My eyes pleading with him to tell me a lie. Tell me she’s not his.
He steps away from the girl and towards me. Almost like he expects that whatever he is about to tell me is going to make me run. And he doesn’t want me to do that.
“This is Jessica, she’s my fiancé.”
I turn to look at Matt, who’s looking at me with the largest look of despa
ir I have ever seen.
He’s engaged.
He’s here telling me I’m gorgeous and wrapping me up in his arms, but he’s engaged.
I’ve always been good. I have always been sweet. I don’t like to fight and I know I am not a mean girl. Mom is always telling me how pure my heart is. But in this moment, for the first time in my life, I feel my heart turn hard. Raising a baby without his father started it, but this. Hearing the love of my life tell me he is engaged to someone else. But he doesn’t deserve to see that it has hurt me. I have given up way too much of my heart to this man for far too long.
I smile as brightly as I can, pushing the anger and pain down into a compartment for later.
“Wow. Good for you Tyler, congrats. It was great seeing you by the way. I have to um... go. I have to go. Good luck.”
I look to Matt “Let’s go, Stephen is coming over later for lunch.”
I look at Tyler briefly. He looks sad that I am leaving. I don’t know what he was expecting. Maybe an early RSVP, I’ll buy you a waffle iron. Married couples love waffles right?
I hear him calling my name. I hear the crack as my brother puts his fist right into Tyler’s eye socket. I see the smirk of satisfaction that plays on Jessica’s face. Like she knows who I am. She knows what Tyler means to me. Like she won a prize.
I run to where Mom, Dad and Evan are waiting. Tears streaming down my face.
“He’s getting married.” I cry to my mom.
Dad swears. My father is not a man who swears, but in that moment he can’t control his anger “that fucking bastard.” He grabs Evans diaper bag and the four of us leave the place that moments ago held the memories of the 2nd happiest day of my life.
Those memories would forever be tainted with this moment. This sadness that I don’t think I will ever get over.
Chapter twelve- Tyler
I had to come today.
There was no way I could not watch her graduate.
We hadn’t talked since the night we broke up. I fucked up, I knew I should have called her, but I told her I wouldn’t because I wanted to party.
Wait for Me Page 4