Wait for Me

by Shannon Alexander

  When you finally emailed me back and we were speaking again, I started to feel like you and I could make it work. That we would make it work. I planned on coming back home from New York and typing out this whole plan on how our relationship would withstand long distance and however much time apart. If anyone could make it would, it was us.”

  Tyler sighs, I can tell that he is trying to be quiet and say nothing, but it isn’t without great effort.

  “I returned home on a Tuesday. I hadn’t been feeling well for the last week or so and mom was worried. I knew what it was, it was depression. In New York if you remember Maureen had me running all the time, it never ended. It wasn’t a 9-5 job by any means, I would wake up at 4am and I wouldn’t get home until close to 9 at night. I was tired, and I didn’t know how to be back in town without you. The second I landed, I just wanted to walk through the doors and see your face. I cried often, and I was exhausted, and Mom was worried.

  She left me one morning, we had an argument about eating, she made this big breakfast of all my favorite foods and I didn’t want any of it. When she came back, I heard the crinkling of a bag, when she came into my room she dumped 5 home pregnancy tests out onto my bed and handed me a large bottle of Smart Water, told me to ‘drink up and get to peeing’ I laughed at her, but she was not messing around. She was serious, I could see it in her eyes. So I got up and I took 2 tests with me.”

  I stop speaking and get up from the chair, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of my Moms favorite wine, pouring the dark red liquid into one of her largest wine glasses. Returning to my spot in the chair to finish the story.

  “I threw up when I read the first 2 results. For two hours I was so sick I could hardly get off the bathroom floor. Mom pulled my hair back into a bun and wiped my face down with a cool washcloth. I jumped up and grabbed the final three tests from my bed, taking them with my mom sitting right in the bathroom, I didn’t even care that she was there. They all came out positive. Mom had to read them, I couldn’t look. Because I knew, I knew deep down in my heart that being pregnant wasn’t in my plans, it wasn’t in your plans and it wasn’t going to be something that brought the two of us together for that happily ever after that my imagination created.”

  Tyler sits motionless watching me.

  “Mom and I decided that emailing you the news wasn’t a good idea, I tried to call you, and you didn’t call back. I messaged you, asked you to Skype and you wanted to party. I knew it was your last night there before you got your orders, I knew you needed that, but I needed to tell you what was happening, I needed to tell you that we were having a baby. I didn’t know if you wanted kids, we never had a relationship in which we spoke of things like that. I thought you might want me to have an abortion, I thought there was a chance that if you knew you would come home, even though I knew that you couldn’t just up and leave the military, I was 17 and a total idiot. We fought, I know you remember that, I sent you one last email begging you to contact me so I could see your face or hear your voice, and instead I got some guy telling me that you were off drinking and asking me to send pictures. I was angry. I wanted you and you just up and left the conversation to get drunk. So instead of waiting for you to hear me I emailed you back that I was pregnant and ended things. I figured you really didn’t care about me if you couldn’t sense that I was upset and needed you, I didn’t want to sit around and wait any longer, I was dealing with this life changing event and I couldn’t share the news with the only other person in the world whose life it also changed.”

  I hear Evan coughing in the monitor and stiffen. I don’t want him to wake up and come down here, I am not ready for the introduction just yet. When enough time has passed, that I know my son has rolled over and gone back to sleep, I continue my story.

  “You never responded. Mom, Dad, Matt they were all appalled at your lack of any response. I thought I would get a “get rid of it” at the very least, but I got nothing. I had horrible morning sickness, it was dreadful, I had to take the rest of the year off from school, and I did it all online.

  People in town talked, they didn’t know whose baby I was carrying, and I didn’t feel a need to share that information. After a while, I think people slowly figured out that he was yours. When I went into labor, Mom was there holding my hand. It was the best and worst day of my life, because the only person I wanted, the only person I needed was half a world away and I didn’t know how to deal with that.

  When Evan was 2 months old I went back to school He was 13 months old when I graduated, you were there. I saw you and Jessica and Matt punched you in the face. Evan was there that day, and my first thought before hearing about your engagement-was how excited I was for you to finally meet your son. Then I ran into you at the party, and you told me everything I wanted to hear, everything that I could have possibly needed was there in your eyes. I was about to ask you about Evan and why you never responded when my phone rang, it was my mom. She had nagged me all week to go to that damn party, she was always shoving me out of the house after the baby was born, telling me that I needed to live my life, that it was possible to be a mom and an 18 year old girl at the same time. I knew that she wouldn’t have called if something wasn’t wrong.”

  Tyler’s shoulders stiffen with concern, I shake my head to reassure him

  “Nothing happened, I was breast feeding and the bottle exploded or something. Stacy was acting weird so I knew I had to leave, I had to leave for both of them. I walked down the hall to find Stacy after finishing the call and tell her we needed to leave, and to find you when I heard Jessica on the phone in one of the rooms. She was talking to her parents, telling them that you had both decided to move the wedding up and that you were expecting a baby.”

  “I don’t really know what else happened after that, you were marrying another woman, you were having a child with her. I was angry, but I was hurt most of all. You had just told me all of these things on that dance floor, none of which included you becoming a father again, or actually getting married. So the next day, I packed up and went back to New York. I wasn’t planning on taking the job that Maureen had offered me, I thought that it would be hard to be away from town now that you were back, even for a little while. But it turned out to be exactly what I needed.”

  “New York is wonderful, Evan loved it there Heath is amazing and loves us both. When I got the call from Mom that you had been shot, I realized that I needed to come back and make sure you were okay. When I saw Mom and Dad with Evan, I realized that New York wasn’t where I belonged, so we have decided to stay. Now all of this has me worried that, that is not the best idea, I don’t want you to take my son from me, I don’t want you to hurt me any more than you already have. I know you are married, I know you have a child I knew all of that and I still sat by your side for months because you were my best friend for so long, and I loved you for as long as I can remember, but at the end of the day, the real reason I sat there is that little boy sleeping upstairs. I know that whatever happened between the two of us, you are his father. You didn’t want to be his dad or didn’t know I honestly have no idea, but regardless you are it for him and I had to make sure you were okay for Evan. After a while I just couldn’t not be there for you. Until you and Heath had that argument. Until you said all of those things. Then I remembered you are no longer mine, that I was putting too much emotion into you once more.”

  I’m exhausted from telling him all of that. From reliving all of the emotions that have coursed through my body the last 3 years.

  Tyler sits back on the couch, finally relaxing for the first time in over an hour since I began telling him what he wanted to hear.

  “Wow, that’s a lot to take in. Well I guess I should start with my side. Starting with the fact that I am not married and I don’t have a daughter.”

  Chapter thirty-four

  “That night at the party, before you and I… You know, I had planned to talk to you, tell you everything. I couldn’t stand you not knowing that I was leavin
g. I couldn’t deal with not being with you anymore. When those recruiters came to school, the only part of me that said not to join was the part that wanted to be with you, that wanted to stay with you. After you and I finally got together, the first thought I had running through my mind was I wanted to say fuck the military and run off and get married. But you were 17 Alyssa, what the hell were we going to do? I had no money, nothing to offer you, so I told you I was leaving. It killed me. I actually cried that night on the way to the airport, Mom didn’t know what to think of it all, but she told me that if we were meant to be, you and I would find a way to make it work.”

  “When you emailed me that night I was going to call you but there was this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that told me that whatever it was you had to say wasn’t going to be good, that it would be the end of whatever it was that you and I had finally started. I couldn’t deal with it. I needed to have you by my side when we deployed, I couldn’t not have you as mine when I was out there. And not calling you cost me everything. Andrew, the guy who was emailing you when I left my computer up, he deleted your email, I punched him in the face. He told me that you just said you were with someone else and didn’t want to deal with the distance anymore. That is why I didn’t bother emailing you back, I thought you had moved on and part of me thought that was best for you, you were young, why would you want to be tied down to a guy overseas who couldn’t be with you for 2 freaking years. It made sense.”

  “For the first few months after I left, I wrote to you constantly I never sent the letters, I didn’t want to step on any toes but I had to have some sort of contact with you. That ship was lonely, men would brag about all the hot chicks they screwed when we docked at different ports, but I didn’t want anything to do with any of that. For years in high school I slept with girls to ignore the thoughts of you, those feelings that I knew I could never act on because you were Matthew’s sister and I didn’t want to screw things up and lose you. I couldn’t bear the thought of you not looking at me with that love in your eyes you had for as long as I could remember.”

  “Matthew and your parents seemed angry with me, they were still there but there was something different in the way they spoke to me, and none of them wanted to talk about you, I couldn’t even find out how you were doing, they would brush me off and say you were fine but that you were busy. After a while I stopped asking, and then I met Jessica. She was at one of the bars we were hanging out at, Josh one of the guys in my Unit liked her right away, but she had her eye set on me. We made out, I took her to the back and I tried to have sex with her. And as soon as she touched me my thoughts went to you, and I couldn’t do it. I backed away from her and she started crying, I told her it had nothing to do with her, I tried everything I could to make her feel better. When we left the back, I brought Josh over to talk to her and a few hours later they hit it off. After that she hung around Josh and I each night we were in town, when we didn’t have to work.”

  “It was on one of those nights she broke down and told us about her parents, her dad worked for the French Government and was a really bad guy, he sent her to the United States to take care of her sick Aunt in Hawaii. Jessica was scared to death of her parents and wanted to stay in the States, but in order to do that she needed to get a Green Card. And the only way to make that happen in a quick manner was for her to get married. She and Josh were already hooking up by that point so the logical choice would have been for her to marry Josh, but Jessica said that her parents would never have agreed to her marrying someone who was Jewish, her parents were strict Catholics. Josh wasn’t even 18 either, he had been emancipated by the State a long time ago when his parents died, and he wasn’t even legally capable of getting married. So they both looked to me to help her out. I agreed, because I figured she only needed to be married for long enough to get her Green Card, and by then Josh would be 18 so they could be together. And there was you, I had heard about you and Stephan Mayer spending time together and I thought I could kill two birds with one stone, help Jessica and forget about the girl I couldn’t have.”

  I am so enthralled with Tyler’s story that I don’t hear the pitter patter of Evans feet climbing down the tile steps.

  “Mommy.” His little voice calls out. Causing my heart to drop.

  I look quickly at Tyler whose face has brightened up at his first sight of his son. He can’t take his eyes off Evan. The tiny boy is looking at the strange man on the couch with extreme curiosity.

  “Not yet.” I whisper to Tyler, he looks at me and slowly nods his head.

  Evan crawls up into my lap “I had a bad dream mommy, the monkey wouldn’t leave my cereal alone, so I called Grandpa but he wasn’t fast enough, so I called you and you yelled at me for having a monkey in the house.”

  Tyler laughs gently, causing Evan to look at him once more.

  “Who is that man mommy?” Evan asks

  I look at Tyler who is looking at me.

  “This is Tyler, he is an old friend of Mommy’s, he is one of Uncle Matt’s best friends, can you say hi?”

  Evan curls up into my lap, he’s being shy and I am almost thankful that he is so tired and not his usual bubbly self. I know he will love Tyler when he gets to hang out with him, but for right now I just want to hear the rest of Tyler’s story and decide what to do after that.

  I grab a throw blanket off the side of the chair and cover Evan, I ask Tyler to turn on Disney Junior, and they are playing another episode of Chugginton, which is one of Evans favorite shows. I rock Evan back and forth, not looking at Tyler the entire time but well aware that his eyes have not left Evan and I the entire time.

  Fifteen minutes later Evan is sound asleep once more, I tell Tyler that I am going to bring him back to bed. The walk up stairs is quiet, other than the tiny sleep filled breaths of the boy in my arms. I love him, I love him so much it hurts sometimes. He’s the most amazing little boy. Telling Tyler about him isn’t going to be easy, sharing all of the moments he has missed of this child’s life is not going to be easy. I know that.

  Once I lay Evan back down into his bed, tucking his favorite toys in beside him, I make the walk back downstairs. Tyler has his head in his hands, shaking his knee up and down in frustration. I have seen the gesture countless times when we were growing up.

  “Thank you for not saying anything.” I state, alerting him to my return.

  He looks up at me, tears have formed in his eyes. “He’s beautiful Alyssa, so beautiful.”

  I nod “he looks just like you.”

  “He does, but he has your curiosity, I can see it.”

  I laugh, because he is right Evan is the most curious little boy. “He is, he wants to know how everything works, why the world is the way it is, there is never a dull moment with him around.”

  Tyler smiles briefly, it fades slightly “I knew all along that I would be at your High School Graduation. They almost wouldn’t give me the time off, but I insisted. I never caused much noise around the base, I did my jobs, I was promoted quickly, and the only thing I insisted on was getting the time off to attend your graduation.”

  “I told Jessica about you, she knew that I was in love with you and the reason that I was never with any of the girls that hung around the base looking for a military man to fulfill their little obsessions. She was okay with my heart belonging to you, I made it clear that even if we were to marry, that I would not sleep with her, I remember thinking she was oddly okay with that fact. What woman wants to marry a guy, even a fake marriage when her husband is madly in love with someone else? When I asked for the time off, Josh asked if he could come along too, he was granted the time and Jessica insisted that she come with Josh. I just figured that she didn’t want to be away from him. When I saw you there, on the stage, my heart dropped. You were so beautiful but so different. You were no longer the skinny little girl that hung around me growing up, you were an adult. I just didn’t realize how grown up you were.”

  He nods in the direction of the upstairs.<
br />
  “I text Matt that day that I was there with Jessica, I mentioned that she and I were engaged, but my phone died before I was able to send the text about the details of our engagement. Go figure.”

  “When you and I were talking, Jessica wasn’t supposed to come by I told her and Josh to give me a moment with you. I don’t know why she didn’t listen. It was my first glimpse that she was jealous of you, I never saw it before because she never said anything, because in the back of my mind I truly thought she was okay with everything and understood that she and I were not real. She didn’t get that. I felt the way she grabbed onto me in front of you, I felt how sad you were and I wanted to tell you right then and there that she wasn’t real, but your brother showed up and freaked out.”

  “After that night, I kind of pushed Jessica away, Josh wanted to tag along to the graduation party which meant that Jessica would be there too. I didn’t know that she was talking to her parents on the phone, we were never moving up the wedding, she got pregnant yes, but obviously it wasn’t my baby. She must have known that you were there, that you would hear the conversation. I just wish that you had come to me that night, that you had told me what you knew, maybe then I never would have married her, maybe I would have figured out how sick she was before I let her ruin my entire life.”

  “I could go into morbid details and tell you that I fell apart after that night, and I did. I started drinking all the time, I got into fights with men on my ship, and it was my own damn fault. Then Jessica came up with some elaborate lie about her family, her father was going to bring her back to France and she thought she was going to die. Josh was out on a secret mission with a few other men, so I made a call I agreed to go and get the marriage license and when Josh returned, however unhappy he stood by our side. I didn’t kiss her, I didn’t want to. That night she went to a hotel and I went back to the ship. Our commanding officer received a special letter from her father, informing us of her mental status. She was Schizophrenic. The next day we were gone. She was 8 months pregnant. Even Josh who was madly in love with her, seemed to enjoy having a break from her. She had changed since your graduation, she truly thought that she and I were these meant to be lovers, she made comments about you often, things I didn’t understand, things Josh didn’t understand. And after hearing her father’s tales I knew why.”