by Mike Shade
"Oh..." He reached up and cupped Jason's balls, shivering. "Good. Me either."
A soft shudder moved through Jason. "That just leaves one question."
He pulled up Jason's shirt and licked at the warm skin of his lover's belly. "What's that?"
Jason moaned softly, pushing against him. "Chair or desk?"
"The desk is sturdier."
He could feel Jason leaning past him, saving his work on the laptop -- at least he hoped Jason was saving it -- and then moving the computer to the ground. "I was wrong, there's another question."
He stood, sliding down his sweatpants with a grin and sliding onto the desk, legs spread. "Does this answer it?"
Jason made a soft, strangled noise, moving to stand between his legs. It was there that Jason removed his own clothes, pulling off his sweater and beginning to work on the buttons of his shirt. Jason took his time, hips moving slowly from side to side, rubbing along the insides of Joshua's legs. "You look hot like that, all spread out on the desk for me."
"Yeah?" Josh reached down and slowly pumped his erection, letting Jason see how much he needed.
"Oh God," Jason groaned. "Are you trying to make me come before I'm even naked?"
"No." He leaned back a little, bringing his knees up. "I'm trying to make you take me and have your wicked way with me."
Jason nodded, eyes hot on his cock, fingers stumbling over the last couple of buttons. The teasing striptease was gone; instead Jason was pulling his shirt off and going for the button and zipper of his pants.
He felt sexy and amazing, exposed and attractive. Wanted. His cock throbbed harder and he bit his lip. "Want you Jason."
"Oh yeah, sweet boy, I know the feeling." Jason pushed his pants off and moved closer and then laughed and backed away again, bending to retrieve his pants.
"Need this." Jason stood again, waving a small tube of Astroglide.
"Yeah." He nodded, slowing the motion of his hands. "Need you."
Jason made a soft noise and slicked up his fingers, sliding one into Joshua. Josh braced himself on the desk, rocking against that finger with a moan. So good -- he was quickly becoming addicted to Jason's touch, Jason's hunger.
"Oh, you feel so good, Josh. So tight." Jason slipped in another finger, pushing hard and searching.
"Jason!" He pushed down with a low cry, hips jerking as fire lit inside him.
"Yeah," said Jason, fingers moving, pushing against his gland again. "Yeah. Love watching you like this, writhing on my fingers -- do you have any idea how hot that is?”
"Oh, God. Burning me up inside. Burning." He spread himself farther, letting Jason see everything, letting Jason see him.
"Me, too, Josh, me, too." Jason's fingers slid away, the blunt, hot head of Jason's cock pressing against his opening. "I can't wait anymore, Joshua. Need you now."
"Take me. Now, Jason. Please." He bore down, moaning at the sweet burn. It felt so good, so right.
Jason teased him, pushing in only a little bit and pulling out again. Jason repeated the short thrusts over and over again, going in a bit further each time. Joshua thought he would go mad from need before Jason was buried all the way inside him.
He was whimpering, gasping as Jason spread him, pushed deep inside. "Oh... blows my mind... so good."
"Mine, too." Jason's hands found his hips, pulling him into each new thrust.
Between their strength, the thrusts were rattling the desk, making him gasp and shudder, sending him straight to the fucking moon. "Oh, God! Jason! Yes!"
"Yeah," Jason whispered, bending over him to bring their mouths together. "Yeah." The word was whispered again, against his lips as Jason's kiss stole what was left of his breath. He cried out, body clenching around Jason's cock as he reached down, pulling his prick with rough jerks.
"Oh God!" Jason shouted and moved faster, pushing harder into him.
Josh came with a sharp cry, bucking on Jason's cock, eyes rolling back into his head. Jason cried out against his mouth, continuing to push into him. The long thrusts grew jerky and then Jason came as well, his name groaned low. He wrapped his arms around Jason's neck, holding on tight, riding the bright aftershocks of pleasure. Jason was still moving, tiny in and out movements that kept both of them moaning.
"Oh, so good. Don't stop yet. Feels... oh..." He fastened his mouth over Jason's, tongue sliding deep. Jason's hands slid up his sides and held fast to his shoulders, those small movements continuing. They rocked, moaning and sobbing, licking at each other's lips. A shudder went through Jason's body. "Oh, God... so much..."
"Yes. So good, Jason. Want to feel you over and over." Forever.
Jason finally stopped moving, gasping against his skin, shudders rocking his body now and then. "Oh, Joshua... "
"Mmm..." He purred, rubbing against Jason, so happy.
"Love you," murmured Jason, lips sliding over his skin in random kisses.
"Oh..." He looked into those blue eyes, heart catching. "Really?"
A flush climbed up Jason's face, but he kept the gaze. "Yes, really."
"Good." He swallowed hard. "I... I love you, too, Jason."
"Oh..." Jason's mouth descended on his, kissing him hard.
He wrapped his legs around Jason's waist, hands buried in the thick hair. Jason loved him. Loved him. Oh, God.
"Come on, let’s go to bed."
"Yes. Oh, yes. Please." He had tears in his eyes, breath catching in his chest.
Jason kissed him again, softly, tenderly, and then slid out of him with a groan.
"Oh... Oh, Jason." He didn't want to stop holding his lover, to stop touching.
Standing, Jason wound their fingers together and pulled him up. "Come to bed and make love to me."
"For as long as you want me, lovely man."
"I want you as long as you'll have me, sweet boy."
Jason pulled him close, mouth closing over his in a long, soft kiss.
Forever. He thought he could learn all about forever.
***
Jason looked up from his books as footsteps sounded above him. Joshua must be done for the day, which was a good thing because the bed was lonely without the kid lying next to him. Or on top of him or underneath him. The operative words being with him.
He'd fast become used to having Josh around, to needing Joshua in his life. More than once before he'd actually said the words "I love you," he'd had to bite them back, worried he'd scare Joshua off, declaring himself so soon.
Instead, Joshua had been pleased and they'd settled into a sweet routine of making love and talking and touching and just being together whenever they weren't working. He worked fewer hours than Josh did and he tried very hard not to go disturb his lover while he was upstairs working on his laptop, but it wasn't easy. Not easy at all to lie down here by himself, knowing Joshua was only a single floor away.
The footsteps sounded again and he grinned. No phantom footsteps these.
They were the real deal, just like his Joshua.
"Mmm... you look good." Josh grinned at him, moonlight playing in his hair as he lounged against the doorframe. "Been waiting long?"
"All my life." He smiled and opened his arms. "Bed's too big without you."
Josh tugged off his clothes and slid into Jason's arms, cuddling close and warm. "Is this a better fit?"
"Mmm, perfect," he murmured, hands moving up and down along Josh's back, finding the curve of the boy's spine.
"Yeah." Joshua leaned forward and kissed his neck, breath blowing and teasing his skin.
A shiver went through him, his cock growing hard just like that. "God, you feel good."
Josh's hand slid down to cup his balls, fingers stroking his shaft. "You too. Been thinking about you all day."
He purred and spread his legs. "Yeah? All day?"
Lips brushed over one of his nipples, teasing. "All day."
Gasping, he bucked up, back bowing. "You could have come down anytime... I wouldn't have minded."
"I was being good. Avoi
ding temptation." Josh's mouth worked lower. "God knows you're a temptation."
He took in a deep breath and released it on a soft moan. "And I wasn't even trying."
"No? Oh, I'd like to see that... I might never leave the bed again."
That made him laugh -- was that him, that sexy, seductive chuckle? He should laugh more often while Joshua did -- oh that! -- with his tongue. "I think your stomach would be even bigger temptation than me after awhile."
"I'll eat you up, Jason. Let you fill me." Josh was moaning, tongue tickling his hips, hands spreading his thighs.
"Yeah, okay."
He had a feeling there was a leap of logic there that just didn't work, but with Joshua touching him like that, licking and teasing him, he didn't really care.
Joshua licked and sucked at his balls -- god, it was hot, sweet, breath sliding on his skin, curls brushing his inner thighs. He raised his knees and spread his legs further apart, moaning softly. That hot tongue moved lower, thumbs spreading him wide.
"Oh, God! Oh, Joshua, yes! Please." He shifted restlessly on the bed, hips moving up toward the sweet invasion.
"Love you." Josh's tongue slid over his entrance, teasing and hot. "This is good?"
"Oh, God! Fuck yes!" So good, too good. He was losing his mind. He hadn't felt this sensational since Samuel had left, only this was hotter and wetter and real.
"Love you." That tongue pressed inside, spreading him, tasting him. Fucking him.
Oh, God! Oh Fuck! He was lost inside the sensations, overwhelmed with the heat and pleasure of it. "Oh, Sammy, Sammy. Don't stop!"
The boy between Jason's legs stiffened, tongue disappearing as he backed off the end of the bed.
He raised his head, confused, so horny he was shaking. "Joshua? What?"
But Joshua turned and fled.
He replayed the last moments in his head as he got up, tripping over his own feet. It had been wonderful, Joshua enjoying it almost as much as he was, he was sure and then... he'd called out Samuel's name.
Oh fuck.
Chapter Ten
Pants.
He needed to find a pair of pants.
And his keys.
Or his wallet.
He could go to a hotel and spend the night and... Oh, fuck... He wasn't going to sleep. Maybe he could just find a 24-hour restaurant and drink coffee until morning and...
He needed his pants.
Josh hurried through the house, heading for the laundry room, hoping he could move quick enough that the ache waiting for him wouldn't find him.
"Josh!" Jason's voice called after him. "Joshua, wait. Please!"
He shook his head, pulling on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, shoving his feet into a pair of running shoes. Where did he leave his fucking wallet?
"Please." Jason was in the laundry room with him now, tall, imposing in the doorway. "Please, don't go. Let's talk about this. Josh. Joshua. Please."
"I... There's nothing to talk about, yeah?" He bit his bottom lip, refusing to cry. "I've seen pictures of him. I understand. It's cool. I just... I gotta go for a walk, get some air." Get the taste of Jason out of his mouth and clear his stupid, foolish head.
"He was a ghost, Joshua. You are real. Please. Please don't go. Don't go."
"But you want him, love him, are thinking of him. You have from the start." He lifted his chin, looking into those blue eyes. "You never made me any promises, Jason. I knew, from the first time you showed me the newspaper clipping of him, I just... I let myself forget."
Jason ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "Come into the kitchen, Joshua. We'll sit and have some tea and talk. Please. Please."
What were they supposed to talk about? How he wasn't good enough to be loved more than a ghost? How maybe they could make love until spring and then he and Bessie could go off? How he had fallen in love?
The hurt had found him, lodging under his ribs and not showing any sign of letting go.
He looked over at Jason. He needed his wallet, his keys. He needed something to drink. He needed... something he wasn't going to get.
"One cup of tea, Jason. Then I'm going for a drive."
Jason led him to the kitchen, staying close like he was worried Josh would take off.
He stood by the door, looking at the greenhouse, listening to the familiar sounds of Jason cooking -- lighting the stove, filling the kettle, getting out the mugs.
Jason came and stood behind him, hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Joshua, will you let me explain? Please? I don't want to hurt you -- I never meant to hurt you."
He dipped his head, eyes filling with tears. He did hurt. He did.
Jason's head bent, resting against his shoulder. "Oh, God, Joshua... I love you. You. Just..." A soft sigh and his hand was taken, tugged toward the table.
He sat in one of the cold chairs, tucking his feet underneath him. He didn't know what to say, what to do. "Just what, Jason?"
Jason ran his hands through his hair again, looking almost as miserable as he felt.
"Samuel was my first lover. Twenty-two years old and I was still a virgin. I didn't even believe in him for a long time and then... he did the most amazing things to me, I'd never felt anything like it before or after. Not until you."
Blue eyes gazed earnestly into his own. "I've had lovers, some casual, some not so casual, but nobody made me feel like he did until you came along."
"You love him." The kettle whistled and he stood, pouring the water over the teabags.
"I loved him, yes. And then he went away. After nearly a year together. Twenty years ago this past October."
Jason was looking intensely at him now. "When's your birthday, Joshua?"
"October 22nd." He frowned, head throbbing. "Why?"
"Have you noticed the resemblance -- between you and the boy in the picture?"
"Of course. That's why you... why... why you were interested." He sighed and handed Jason his tea.
"Initially, I guess so. Though it took me a couple of days to realize it." Jason took a sip and made a face, putting the cup down. "Damn, that's hot."
He was waved into the seat across from Jason. "I think you should sit down and I should probably elicit a promise not to call the loony bin when I finish saying what I'm about to say next."
He shook his head. "I'm not calling anybody, Jason. I just want..." He shook his head. "Whatever. You should probably just say what you need to say."
"You know how you feel like you belong here? And all the little things like knowing where the greenhouse was originally and the way you're drawn to the tower room, especially the window seat. The way you're drawn to me. I think it's because... I think it's because you are Samuel, Joshua. You even make love like he did!"
Josh just sat, looking into the steam from his tea, shaking all through. "No, Jason. I'm just me. Just a stupid twenty-year old kid who fell in love with someone who... who's in love with someone's who's gone."
"I used to be in love with Sam but he hasn't been around to love for twenty years, Josh. I love you now -- you. Sam was a ghost -- you don't think he's real, maybe he never was. But you're real, you're here and the sweet grass and cinnamon flavor of your mouth lives in my head, the warm, soft touch of your hands. You, Josh. Not Sam, not Bryce or Robert or any of the other men I've slept with. I love you."
"You called me Sam." There. That was that. Jason had called him Sam while he... while they made love.
Jason sighed again. "I did."
Long fingers slid over his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I don't know why -- I guess because the last person who did that for me was Sam and in the heat of the moment... I don't know what to say, Joshua, besides how sorry I am and how much I want you to stay. I love you. You."
He stood, eyes tearing again. "I... How can I believe in you? I love you, Jason. Not a memory, not a phantasm. Just you."
"I guess you're going to have to make a leap of faith, Josh and believe me when I say that I love you."
"I don't know what to do, Jason.
I don't know what to say." He was going to be sick. He was going to cry. He wanted nothing more than to dive into Jason's arm and be held, comforted. Wanted.
Jason stood, too, hand reaching out to touch his cheek, pushing his hair back behind his ear. "Say you'll stay. Say you'll forgive me. Say I haven't driven away the man I love. Please, Joshua, don't leave me. I need you."
Oh, God. This was breaking his heart. "I'll stay, but I need to think. I need to figure shit out. I need to work."
"I'll move your stuff up to the governess' room and then I'll stay away from those rooms entirely. Your space." Jason's hand dropped away from his face. "I'll stay out of the kitchen as much as possible so you won't run into me by accident."
Joshua snorted, sorrow filling him. "This isn't my house, Jason. Not mine at all. I'll be quiet and still upstairs. The Lady Violet is yours."
Jason gave him a sad smile. "That's where you're wrong, Joshua. I'm just the caretaker here. She belongs to you."
"Goodnight, Jason." He turned before the crying started for real. "I do love you."
He wasn't even sure he should, but he did.
"Goodnight, sweet Joshua. I love you." The words followed him out and refused to leave him alone.
He managed to make it up to the Tower Room before the sobs started, his cheek heating the icy cold glass above the window seat.
***
Jason waved Di off. "I'm fine, hon. You go before you're late for your next appointment."
He managed to hold the smile in place until he closed the door and then he sighed, shoulders dropping. He slowly headed back to his office, fingers trailing along Violet's woodwork, gaining some solace from the great lady.
Settling into his window seat, he avoided sighing again, instead closing his eyes and letting the sunshine make an attempt at warming his bones.
Four days.
Four long days of wishing he could take back one little mistake. One stupid, gigantic, he wasn't sure they were ever going to be able to come back from it mistake.
His worry was that, even if Joshua did forgive him, it would happen again. It wasn't so much that he had fallen in love with Joshua because the boy looked like Samuel, but that he'd come to believe that the man he'd fallen in love with was his Samuel reborn.