“I’ll grab some wood for a fire,” Carolyn said meekly as she tugged at Rowan’s leather jacket sleeve for him to come help her.
“We’ll walk the perimeter to make sure there’s no other zombies close by,” Olivia offered and walked off with Imani close at her heels.
“I’ll come with you girls,” Luke said reluctantly as he jogged after them.
Lee sat down at the base of a large tree and opened up the pockets of his cargo pants to rifle through the meager first aid supplies he carried with him.
“I need a cigarette,” Dan said to no one as he stalked off, shaking as he slapped the crumpled pack against his hand.
Christine stood behind her sister in complete silence. In the last few months, she’d become a master at blending in with the scenery to the point of invisibility. It was a trait she prided herself on and counted on for her own survival, not against the monsters walking the earth, but from being seen by the people she didn’t want to let in. She watched Gretchen closely as her sister’s shoulders wracked with grief, bouncing up and down violently from the pain forcing its way out of her.
Something stirred in Christine that she couldn’t quite describe. It was familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time. Just then, she heard a voice in her ear that made her rigid body soften.
“Do you think she cried like that when she left you?” Liam asked as he placed his hands on her shoulders from behind.
The weight of his touch was so real she could have sworn he was back from the dead. Each time it jarred her deeply and distorted her sense of reality to the point of not being able to take a breath for fear he would disappear.
“Do you think she missed you as much as she’s going to miss Gale? A woman she just met and barely knew?”
“They went through a lot together,” Christine justified, though she wasn’t sure why.
“You two grew up together. You were best friends. She knew you better than anyone ever knew you, and she left you like you were nothing more than a stranger.”
The words pierced Christine’s heart. She tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry. The longer she kept her eyes open, trained on her sister, the more the cool air stung them, but she was afraid to blink, afraid of losing the one person who never betrayed her, never abandoned her, stuck by her even after death to be there with her through everything. That was more than she could say for her parents, her sister, even her beloved grandma. Everyone had left her at one point or another, for their own reasons, except Liam. He was still there, helping her to see what she was too afraid to admit, helping her to grow stronger to survive the world that wanted to destroy her.
“I told you not to turn back,” he said sweetly as he wrapped an arm around her to pull her in close. “I told you to leave this group, that they would be your downfall. In the chaos you ran from them, so why did you turn back?”
She stared ahead blankly, no longer seeing the dead woman in front of her or her sister that cried over the body. “Because it was the right thing to do.”
VIII
The group gathered around the fire as daylight gave way to a dark, cold night. Zack piled the last bit of crumbled earth over Gale’s grave and patted it down with his hands. It had taken him the entire day to get the job done. He had to leave the group and walk to find the nearest store that would have a shovel. That alone took him three hours of searching. Rowan told him to grab two shovels so he could help, but this was something Zack wanted to do alone. He craved the time alone to reflect on his emotions and thoughts …see where he’d gone wrong.
While Zack did this, the others kept themselves busy consoling Gretchen and each other, gathering sticks and branches to build a fire, and gathering logs for seating. They had two large tents that Rowan and Carolyn each carried on their backs in tightly packed backpacks. It took about an hour just to erect one with the two of them working on it. No one bothered to complain or try to speed them up. They had nowhere to go for the rest of the night, so long as Zack was determined to give Gale a final resting place. The zombies had dissipated as the group hid and kept quiet, Zack gone on his shovel hunt. The area was as clear as it would get.
Imani and Olivia, with the lax supervision of Luke, walked around the area periodically to make sure there was nothing lurking around, watching them, living or deceased. The two younger girls giggled and talked weapons as the anxious father wrung his hands and followed them. The girls tried their best to ignore his presence and enjoy themselves.
But no matter what anyone was doing; digging a grave, building a fire, erecting a tent, walking the perimeter, they each took a moment here and there to stop and watch Christine Moore. It was no secret that she had disappeared on the group without a word in a desperate moment. It was unspoken that her being there when Gale was attacked could have saved the old woman’s life with how good Christine had become with Liam’s bow. No one dared accuse her of this due to her fragile state, in fact that was why they were watching. They were trying to catch her talking to “herself” again, so they might have a reason to confront her on something. They went about their business in the crisp Spring air as their eyes stole glances at the young woman standing alone.
Christine Moore wanted to help the others set up the camp for the night, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. There was a war raging inside her mind and she was starting to fear she was losing. She questioned why Liam had told her to leave the group behind. Did he know something she didn’t? And how was that possible if he was dead and what she saw, felt, and talked to was just a piece of her own mind? Questions swirled around her brain so fast it made her feel dizzy. She leaned her back against the thick trunk of a spruce for support, hoping no one noticed how consumed she was within herself.
It was well into the night when Zack brushed his hands together to release the dried dirt from his flesh. His rough hands were sore and calloused, but he felt better. The physical labor of digging a deep grave seemed just what he needed to clear his mind and come to the realization that Gale’s death was not his fault. He never asked to be the leader of the group. He hadn’t lobbied for it, or even implied that he thought he was right for the job. But there he was, leading a mismatched gaggle of men and women, adults and teens, through the ailing world to try to heal it. But how was he to tackle such a position when he didn’t even believe in himself? This was the question that had plagued his nights for the last few months while he slept safely in the apartment. Now that they were out, exposed to the elements and the dead, he was sure his eyes would refuse to close for even a second.
He wiped the rest of the dirt on his jeans and walked away from the shovel. It stuck upright out of the mound, serving as a makeshift marker for their fallen friend. The small sliver of moonlight in the sky reflected off the metal to give it a tiny glint one could see through the darkness.
Zack Kran walked over to where Christine sat at the base of a tree and slowly lowered himself beside her. He didn’t say a word as he did this, afraid that no matter what he said she would find an excuse to push him away and isolate herself once again. He couldn’t allow that to happen. No matter who he lost on this journey, he couldn’t lose Christine. She was his dearest friend, the one who gave them hope for a better world with her determination to believe Liam’s journal had some kind of answer in it to restoring the world to what it was, so much so that Zack actually started to believe this himself. This determined, persistent, inspiring Christine had been present in the group just a few days prior. Where did she go? Now all she wanted to do was get as far away from the group as she could, it seemed, leaving the journal behind with Zack to go off shooting her bow, fighting the demons inside her. He gave her the benefit of the doubt in assuming that was why she had not been there to help them.
“So, rough day we had today,” he said with a sigh, unsure what else he could possibly say to get her to open up to him.
She stared ahead with wide eyes, as if she hadn’t registered a single word he said. She looked out
at the fire and the group that sat around it, but didn’t really see them. Instead, she gazed through them, as if she were trying to read the flames for a promising future. Her chest rose and fell in heavy breaths and her nostrils flared.
“Chris?” he said as he turned to face her.
“I think there’s something wrong with me,” she said so quietly Zack almost didn’t hear her.
He stared at her, blinking as he processed her confession. He had to choose his next words carefully. If he said the wrong thing, he could lose this opportunity to get through to her for who knows how long…possibly forever.
The wisest thing that came to his mind was to approach her like his therapist did back when he saw one for his overwhelming stress when the comic book store was failing. He responded with a question. “Why do you say that?”
Christine closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She let the air out slowly. “I think the Liam I’ve been talking to is…evil.”
IX
Zack laid his hand on the ground to support himself as he stared at his friend. “What do you mean evil?”
“The things this Liam says, they don’t align with what the real Liam would say. Liam would never have told me to abandon the group to fend for myself. That I had to take care of myself because no one else in the world was going to look out for me, especially knowing that you were still by my side. I think he’s trying to turn me against everyone. I could have helped today, but I didn’t because he convinced me not to, to worry about my own survival and let the rest of you figure it out or die. And Gale did die! Gale died because of it!” her voice grew panicked as she ripped her eyes away from the fire to stare into Zack’s desperately.
He turned his body to her, took both his hands, and placed them heavily on her shoulders. The sudden touch of a tangible human being seemed to jar her back to the present. The ones closest to them around the fire turned to look with worry in their gazes. Christine was sure she saw judgement in there too. She knew they all thought she was crazy. But hadn’t it been Liam who told her that? She couldn’t remember if it was him or her own thoughts that were planted deep within her. Either way, it was a part of her now and she didn’t know how to get rid of it. She wanted desperately to be the person she was before Liam died, but she felt that Christine died along with him.
Tears welled up in her eyes. It was all Zack had to see before he took her in his arms and held her tightly to him.
“It’s okay, Chris. You’re not crazy. Please, it’ll be okay,” he soothed her as he stroked her long, blonde hair. “We’ll get through this. We’ll figure it out, I promise.”
She pulled away and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “But what if I can’t get rid of him,” she whispered, trying to hide their conversation from the rest of the group. “What if he’s a part of me now?”
Zack took a deep breath as he considered her questions. He’d heard of people going through personality splits and other mental disorders after experiencing trauma or heavy grief. After all, Christine had to watch the love of her life die before her eyes, come back to life, and then be the one to shove a knife in his head to kill him again. He wasn’t sure anyone would be completely sane after going through that. He wondered what kind of state he would be in. Anita had died in his arms, but she was far from the love of his life. He barely knew her. If anything, she was more of a fantasy, a dream he hoped and wished for but never had. And he hadn’t been responsible in any way for her death. Dan was. Dan was the one who shot her. Dan was to blame, not Zack. And Anita hadn’t turned and he hadn’t been put in that position to do that unspeakable, terrible act someone should never have to do to someone they care for.
“You can come back from this, Chris. I know you can. You’ve been through something terrible that we humans were never meant to do. We were never designed to carry this immense amount of grief, responsibility, or burden. It’s overwhelming and we’re all bound to fall off the deep end once in a while. But there’s always a way back.”
She looked up into his eyes, her own glazed over with fresh tears. “But how? How do I find my way back to who I was?”
“I don’t know that you can ever get her back. She may be gone, changed by the things you’ve been through, the things you’ve seen. This new world has a way of tearing us down to nothing, but I do believe that we can build ourselves back up again. You have the chance to create yourself new, right now. All you have to do is make the choice, and I will help you through it. We all will.”
She smiled through her tears and mouthed the words ‘thank you’ soundlessly.
Zack smiled and placed a hand on her cheek. She leaned into the warmth of his touch and closed her eyes, picturing what her life would be like if she woke up and all the dead were truly dead. If she had a chance to start over like the world had the chance to start over once they delivered the journal.
Maybe Zack is right, she thought as she let her mind wander through her fantasy world of peace. Maybe I can start over and be a better version of me. All I have to do is make the choice and follow through with it.
“You know Zack’s just placating you. He doesn’t really think you can change who you are. He’s just worried you’re going to kill yourself to be with me and he’ll say anything he can to stop you from doing that, not because he wants you here with him, but because he’s selfish. He won’t let you move on and be with me because he doesn’t think he could handle the guilt of losing you when he promised me he would protect you.”
Christine’s breath caught in her chest. Liam’s voice penetrated her ears and saturated her mind. She pulled back from Zack’s hand and looked at him unblinkingly, her brow furrowed and wrinkled with distress.
“What is it?” Zack asked, leaning forward anxiously. “What’s wrong?”
She whispered so softly he almost missed what she said completely. “He’s here right now.”
X
Zack looked over his shoulder, his eyes shifting, as if expecting to see a dead Liam, rotting and decaying, standing behind him, arms folded with that smug smile he often wore, but no one was there. He turned his gaze forward to Christine again and took a deep, calming breath. Before the turn of the world, Zack would have denied the existence of ghosts, goblins, ghouls, and all other forms of monsters and spooks, but now? He lived by the rule that anything was possible.
Christine refused to take a breath as she stared back desperately into her friend’s deep brown eyes. She was crying out silently for him to help her, to banish the ever-darkening Liam that constantly loomed over her shoulder, infesting her mind with thoughts of betrayal, abandonment, and doubt.
“I know what you’re thinking, love, and you’re wrong on this one,” Liam said, his voice saturated with tenderness.
Christine didn’t move as he spoke to her, fearing what terrible thing he was going to try to talk her into next, but also fearing that if she disagreed with him that he would not show his face again. He wasn’t Liam, but he had the same orange hair, the same scruffy beginnings of a beard, the same expressive and caring green eyes. His breath was warm, his scent was masculine and familiar. All her senses confirmed it was Liam, but she couldn’t ignore the pleading of her heart to realize that it wasn’t.
“Gale is dead because of you,” she thought in a growling voice in her head. “I could have stopped those zombies from ever reaching her. I’m not the same Christine Moore you left months ago. I can shoot now and use your bow. I almost never miss.”
“And it was me who taught you how to use it, who pushed you to learn to defend yourself, wasn’t it? Why would I do that if I didn’t want the best for you?”
She mustered every ounce of courage she had and resolved to be brave despite the fear of losing him. “That wasn’t you,” Christine’s voice spat back in her head. “That was my Liam. The real Liam, when he was alive. I don’t know who you are, but you’re not him.”
She wasn’t looking at him, but she could feel heat radiating onto the back of her ne
ck. The fact that she could feel him, his anger, scared her more than anything. Zombies were nothing for her to handle, but how could she get rid of something that lived inside her mind? This was the riddle she needed to solve if she ever wanted peace again. This was why she finally broke down and told Zack she was scared of the Liam that followed her around. She needed to be free of him, of his spirit, or whatever he was. She was past caring what anyone thought about her or fearing their judgement. She just needed help.
“You’re brilliant, Christine, you really are, you know that?” Liam said softly, lovingly.
A gentle hand brushed back the hair from her neck. Warm breath grazed her and made her close her eyes in remembrance of the man she loved so dearly. The grief was overbearing. She quieted herself and listened.
“You were this brilliant lawyer, saving the world, providing justice. And now? You’re a master marksman, taking care of yourself, surviving this world as it tries to eat you alive. You’re doing this. You should be proud of yourself and all you’ve done. No one else has been able to accomplish what you have in this little time. You can survive.”
His words soaked into her mind and left her chest warm and light. She could feel her heartbeat slowly pound as she replayed his words of encouragement over and over, lost in his voice.
“Chris?” she heard him call her, but he sounded farther off. “Chris?” His voice deepened slightly and drew out longer than before. “Hey, Chris!”
Suddenly, she blinked her thoughts away and saw that it was Zack calling out her name, not Liam. Her head swam with fading words of pride and love and survival.
“Sorry,” she said quietly as she returned to her senses.
“What happened? Where’d you go just now?”
“What do you mean?”
Zack’s eyes narrowed as he studied her, scrutinized her, as if he were trying to examine the mechanics of her mind. It was useless. He couldn’t figure her out. Her blank, pale face framed by tangled blonde hair revealed nothing about what was going on inside. She seemed completely dead and numb to everything around her. When she came to him in fear of the Liam in her head, it was the first time he saw life in her eyes since his friend’s death.
Dead Soil (Book 2): Dead Road Page 7