As she continued talking, he zoned out. He liked her–he liked her a lot. However, he still had a few misgivings about her.
In the back of his mind, he doubted her intentions. No doubt, his inner critic was behind it all.
Can I trust her? This is her job, and she’s getting paid for this. Does she really care about me, or am I just another one of her patients?
In spite of his drifting, Louis showed several physical signs that he was aware and paying attention.
When Susan would come to the end of a sentence, he’d nod his head in agreement. During a pause, he’d respond with an “mmm” or an “ah.”
She went on and on for what seemed like an eternity. As he got lost in his own thoughts, Louis missed everything she was saying.
“Do you have any questions, Louis?” she said with finality.
Noticing her sudden change of tone, Louis snapped back, looking alert.
“No, I don’t have any questions,” he mumbled.
“Keep working on your affirmations for now, and we’ll start exposure therapy next week.”
Exposure therapy?! Oh, no!
They shook hands before Louis turned to leave.
“See you next Tuesday,” Susan said with a smile.
“Yeah,” he murmured, “I’ll see you then.”
On his way home, he reflected on the therapy session, disappointed that his thoughts had kept him distracted the whole time. He’d wanted to stay and talk a bit longer–he didn’t want to go.
Now he wouldn’t get to see her, until next week.
Suddenly, he remembered what she said about exposure therapy. I have to do exposure therapy next week? I don’t think I can do it!
That evening, Louis received another phone call from his mother. He’d felt guilty for not answering the phone last time.
Hoping to free his mind from the guilt, he decided to answer it this time.
“Hello?”
“Louis, I tried calling you a few nights ago–I even left you a message. Didn’t you get it?”
“I,” he stuttered, “I got it.”
“You should have called me back,” she said in an accusatory tone, “How would I know if something happened to you?”
“I’m sorry,” he replied automatically.
“Anyways, I’m calling about my friend’s daughter. She keeps nagging me to set up a date for you two. When would be a good time?”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” he admitted, bracing for his mother’s reaction.
“You’re twenty-four years old, and you’re still not ready to date?” she said in utter disbelief, “Your dad was twenty-one when we got married, and I was nineteen. Seriously, how long is it going to take you? Are you going to be playing catch-up for the rest of your life?”
“I don’t know,” Louis gulped, feeling ashamed.
“It’s just one date. If you don’t like her, you don’t have to go out with her again,” his mother pleaded, “I’m just asking that you give it a try and see what happens.”
“Fine,” he murmured.
“You’ll do it?”
“I guess,” he said, sounding annoyed.
“When should I tell her?”
“I don’t know!” he cried, “I just want to get this over with.”
“Oh, don’t be like that!” his mother scolded him.
“What?” Louis shrieked, choking on his words, “I said I’m going!”
“Well, don’t have such an attitude about it,” she snarled, “Decide after the date whether or not you enjoyed it.”
Louis rolled his eyes. He was sick and tired of his mother always bossing him around like this. I will say whatever the heck I want. I am entitled to my feelings!
“Her daughter’s off next Monday. Should I tell her you can go then?”
“Ok,” he muttered.
“Oh, and Louis,” she added with a bit of sarcasm, “How about getting your brother a real gift for his birthday next year?”
On the inside, Louis was fuming with anger, but he was too shocked to say anything.
“Well, I have to go now. I’ll let her know about Monday. I love you!”
If that was love, then he didn’t want any part in it.
Hanging up the phone, Louis couldn’t believe what he’d just agreed to do. He’d never been on a date in his whole life. How would he know how to dress, what to say, or how to act?
He’d spent five years on his own, unable to make a friend, let alone a girlfriend. His social skills were at an all-time low. How was he going to get through this?
Louis could feel his muscles tighten, as he imagined the walls slowly closing in on him.
Chapter Five
Before long, Monday rolled around. He was nervous but glad it was finally here. In just a few short hours, it would all be over, and he could forget about the whole thing.
At four o’clock, he met the girl outside the restaurant, surprised by what he saw.
She was wearing a black mini skirt and a red tank top. Her soft blonde curls fell loosely over her small, feminine shoulders, and her plump lips were covered in her favorite lipstick.
He watched her, as she rubbed her shimmering, pink lips together.
Louis swallowed hard. He couldn’t stop himself from staring at her glamorous figure.
“Hi, I’m Lisa,” she introduced herself, “You must be Louis.”
“Yep, that’s me,” he replied with an awkward smile.
“Let’s go find a seat inside,” she insisted, “I’m starving!”
Louis followed her into the place, his anxiety keeping him a few steps behind. Somehow, he didn’t feel good enough to walk beside her.
She was so perfect, and he just wasn’t.
As they were being led to their table, Louis’ sight became blurry, and his thoughts turned fuzzy. He was so nervous that his mind had created a sort of defense mechanism to cope–he was experiencing symptoms of dissociation that left him confused and disoriented.
Holding or sustaining a conversation in his state would be nothing short of a miracle.
Taking their seats, they were given a couple of menus.
Opening his, Louis could see the different letters and colors on the pages but was unable to distinguish one item from the other.
At that moment, he felt completely deranged.
Then, Lisa looked up at him.
“What are you getting?” she asked, trying to break the ice between them.
“Oh, I don’t know yet,” he said, hiding his face behind the menu, “How about you?”
“I’m thinking about getting this burger,” she replied, “It sounds really amazing.”
“Cool. Which one is that?”
“It’s on the second page. It’s called the Beastly Burger,” she smirked, “Such a strange name!”
He laughed.
As Louis became more comfortable with her, he began to loosen up a bit and found that he was no longer dissociating so much.
“That sounds really big,” he said with an amused grin.
“It better be huge,” she said, “I’m not going to eat a flat disk.”
“What if they give you one like that?”
“Then, I’ll just return it.”
Louis looked impressed. He couldn’t imagine doing something like that–he didn’t have enough backbone for it.
This woman is brave, he thought.
“Do you know what you’re getting yet?” she asked when it fell silent again.
“I think I’ll try that burger with you,” he said thoughtfully.
“Smart,” she said, letting out a smug grin.
“Thanks,” he laughed, “I guess we both are.”
They both smiled at each other.
He couldn’t believe how well their date was going. In fact, it seemed too good to be true. Luck was never on his side, and he couldn’t help but wonder how much longer it would last.
The waiter returned and took their orders.
Remaining seated, the
two of them waited for their food.
During this time, Louis noticed the ketchup bottle was crooked. Reaching his hand over the table, he went to straighten it.
He hoped no one would notice, but Lisa saw him do it.
“What are you doing with that ketchup bottle?” she asked.
“Oh, nothing,” he said, clearing his throat, “It was just a little crooked.”
“Gosh, I hope you’re not like those nutty people with OCD,” Lisa joked, “Talk about crazy.”
“You know about that?” he asked, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Everyone knows about OCD,” she replied matter-of-factly, taking a sip of her lemonade, “Those people are total freaks.”
Louis was hurt, but he tried his best to hide his feelings.
She’d probably never met anyone with this disorder and had no way of knowing what these people were really like. They weren’t freaks at all–they were just victims of abuse.
Maybe, he should give her the benefit of the doubt.
“I knew a girl in college like that,” she cringed, “It didn’t matter what we were doing or where we were going. She’d suck the fun and joy out of everything.”
Louis was crushed. It was obvious she hated people like him. If she knew the truth about him, he knew she’d hate him too.
He wasn’t sure how he felt about her as a potential girlfriend, but he’d always yearned for a close friend.
Now he could forget about having either one.
The situation had become so uncomfortable that it felt like a whole millennium had passed by the time the waiter finally brought them their food.
Louis was relieved when he saw Lisa’s burger. It was wide, thick, and meaty. No matter how he looked at it, the burger was perfect in every way, and there was nothing for her to complain about.
He smiled, fully aware that a potential crisis had been averted.
“Why are you smiling like that?” she asked, giving him a strange look.
“Oh, I’m just glad the food came.”
“Dude, you must be really hungry,” she said, “I’ve never seen someone get so excited about food before.”
Louis chuckled before looking away.
Though he didn’t show it, he was extremely annoyed. Why did she have to make a big deal out of everything?
Before long, his face gave him away, and Lisa let him know about it.
“What’s wrong?” she asked with a confused look on her face.
“What do you mean?”
“You look upset about something,” she insisted, “Is there something wrong with your burger?”
“Oh, uh, it’s just the fries...I think they are a little burnt,” he fibbed.
“Really?” she gasped in horror.
“Yeah, but it’s not a big deal,” he added quickly.
“Let me see!” she exclaimed.
“It’s really not a big deal…”
Lisa leaned over the table, trying to get a good look at his fries.
Closing his eyes, Louis held out his plate to her.
“Dude, these aren’t burnt.”
“Oh, maybe it was just the lighting then,” he remarked casually, trying his best to look cool.
“Uh–yeah, right,” she said, shaking her head at him.
While they were eating, Lisa told Louis all about herself. She talked about her job, her friends, and the hopes she had for the future.
When she asked Louis about himself, he tried to think of something interesting to say. His mind went blank, though, and it remained that way for the rest of their date.
Chapter Six
The next day, Louis had his first exposure session with Susan. When he arrived at her office, he was filled with anxiety.
“Where are we going?” he asked, nearly out of breath.
“We’re going to a coffee shop.”
Swinging her purse over her shoulder, Susan led him outside to the parking lot. She was taking him there with her.
Arriving, they went inside and sat down at one of the tables.
Then, they placed their order.
“I haven’t ordered a coffee anywhere in a long time,” Louis told her.
“Do you like coffee?”
“Yeah, I just hate ordering it in front of people,” he explained, “I got my own coffee maker, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.”
“You just did it, and nothing bad happened. How are you feeling right now?”
“I do feel better after ordering.”
Susan smiled.
She wanted to give him a hug or a pat on the back, but they weren’t in that kind of relationship. She wasn’t his friend or his lover–she was just his therapist.
The space between them fell silent before they spoke again.
“You look tired, Louis,” Susan pointed out gently.
“Do I?” he asked with a look of surprise on his face.
“Yes,” she replied, “You look very tired.”
“Well, I guess I did have a rough day yesterday.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“Oh, no,” he laughed, waving his hand, “It’s really not that big of a deal.”
The waiter came over and set their drinks down in front of them.
Louis took a sip of his coffee, but Susan’s latte was still too hot to drink.
“So, what made you want to become a therapist?”
The question took Susan by surprise because none of her clients had ever shown any interest in her story–at least, until now.
Setting aside her professional mannerisms, she spoke to Louis as an equal or a friend.
“I, too, grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father was a narcissist, and my mother was the enabler. My brothers and I lived in terror of him, never knowing when he would strike next.
By the time we left home, we were all so damaged. Each of us had our own set of problems to sort through due to our less than ideal upbringings.
It wasn’t until I moved out that I began to see a pattern of abuse in my family. Apparently, it started long before both my parents and my grandparents were even born. I could never understand why I was able to see the abuse for what it was when so many of my relatives before me couldn’t. It was a blessing and a curse.”
She let out a deep sigh before taking a sip of her latte.
“One night, I decided I wasn’t going to let all those years of suffering go to waste. It was time to end the cycle once and for all. I knew I was messed up, and if I’d ever have kids, I’d hurt them the same way my parents had hurt me. This realization was what brought me to therapy.
Therapy fixed parts of me that I didn’t even know were broken. When I saw what it had done for me and my self-esteem, it made me want the same for others. My goal was to help victims like me break the cycle of abuse in their own families.”
Louis looked shocked.
“Wow, I would’ve never guessed that about you. You look so strong and self-assured all the time.”
“I wasn’t always this way. I dealt with anxiety disorders, low self-esteem, and depression for years before I finally got better. Even now, I’ll think back to the childhood I never had and feel like crying. No matter how many years are spent in therapy or how much time has passed, a person with these kinds of scars on his soul can never truly forget.”
“I know what you mean,” Louis said in a serious tone, “You’re so lucky that you were able to get better, though.”
“I worked really hard at it, and my therapist was very good.”
“How long did it take you?”
“It was a gradual process. Cultivating self-compassion was probably the biggest step I made on the road to recovery.”
Louis looked surprised.
“Really?”
“Yes,” she said with a nod, “When you’re on your own side, I believe there’s nothing you can’t do.”
The following afternoon, Louis received a phone call from Lisa.
Hesitating, he answered.
“Hi, this is Lisa. How’s it going?”
“I’m good and you?”
“Listen, I had a lot of fun with you the other night,” she said, “You seem like a really funny guy.”
Louis didn’t know what to say–he couldn’t tell whether she was giving him a compliment or not.
It was silent for a moment before Lisa spoke again.
“Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to get together again next Wednesday. We could get coffee or whatever.”
Louis couldn’t believe his ears. Was she really asking him to hang out again?
“Sure,” he said.
“Great! How’s four o’clock?”
“That sounds good.”
“Cool. I’ll see you then.”
Hanging up the phone, he felt happy on the inside. After all, he thought he’d never hear from her again. Maybe, he’d judged her a little too quickly.
The following Thursday, Louis met with Susan at a nearby grocery store for another session of exposure therapy.
He would purchase an item, but only after standing and waiting in a very busy checkout line.
As long as he wasn’t left alone, he knew he could manage.
“Will you be coming with me?” he asked, swallowing hard.
“Yes, I’ll be with you the whole time.”
Louis picked up an apple and brought it to the checkout lane.
Even with Susan there, he grew very anxious–the longer they had to wait in line, the worse it got.
He was just glad when it was finally over.
As they were walking back to the parking lot, Louis turned to face Susan.
“I feel like such a failure.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I just get so scared,” he shrugged, “I even had a panic attack back there!”
“Feeling like you’ve failed isn’t the same thing as actually failing,” she pointed out, “It’s the critic talking again.”
“I forgot about him,” he told her, “I think he gets away with too much.”
Susan smiled at him.
“I think so, too.”
With each passing week, Susan noticed major improvements in Louis’ attitude. He was looking happier, healthier, and much more relaxed.
The broken man who came to see her several weeks before had all but disappeared.
During their short time together, Louis had come to a greater understanding of himself. He’d learned how to cope with panic attacks and found new ways to keep his anxiety under control.
Counting Scars: Six Shoulders to Lean On Page 5