Susan watched him, as he made the gradual transition from a wounded, fragmented child into a healthy and whole adult.
She knew she should be happy, but she was feeling a bit sad. He’d come so far, and soon, he wouldn’t need her in his life anymore.
Would she be ready to say goodbye?
Over the next month, Louis continued to meet with Lisa. The more he got to know her, the more he liked her. Lisa was fun, daring, and beautiful.
She was everything a man could want in a woman.
One cool September morning, they decided to visit a coffee shop.
Once inside, Louis spotted a small, cozy booth at the far left corner of the shop.
With their hands inside their pockets, they waddled over to the empty booth and sat down on the red cushions.
While they were waiting there to place their order, Louis caught the sight of a familiar face–it was Susan. She was sitting alone at another booth, looking out the window and holding onto her favorite latte.
As much as he wanted to go over and say hello, Louis knew he couldn’t–he’d never told Lisa he was in therapy.
Even though he knew everything about Lisa, the truth was she knew very little about him. He shared only those parts about himself that he deemed lovable or acceptable, hiding the rest from her.
For fear of losing her, he made no mention of his disorders. He justified it by telling himself that she didn’t need to know how messed up he was.
In daily conversations, Louis often ended up sounding like a robot, speaking of his positive experiences and ignoring all the negative ones. For instance, he had no problem talking about a good day but would make no mention of a bad one.
So far, Lisa didn’t seem to notice, and he hoped that it would stay that way.
As a boy, the messages Louis received from his parents had been loud and clear–anger was bad, and sadness was for babies. Throughout all these years, he never forgot that.
Over time, he began to filter out his speech. It was a defense mechanism that his subconscious mind developed, so he wouldn’t have to worry so much about being rejected by others.
Louis felt safe and comfortable with Lisa, but he was oblivious to the fact that their relationship was built on half-truths and deception.
Slouching down in the booth, Lisa situated her elbows on the table and rested her chin on both of her palms. She was staring long and hard at the table in front of them.
“Is everything alright?” Louis asked with a sudden look of concern on his face.
Lisa stared back at him, her eyes full of fear and uncertainty.
“Louis, there’s something I need to tell you,” she said slowly, folding her arms over the table, “There’s this job offering in California that I’d like to take.”
Hearing her words, Louis’ heart broke in half. Fool! You should have known it was too good to be true.
“It’s for a much bigger company, and I’d be making a lot more than I am at this job,” Lisa explained, “I mean, it sounds like they really want me. They’re offering to fly me over and everything.”
Louis could see through her act–he could tell she was really excited about this. It didn’t matter if she had to leave him behind. All she’d ever cared about was making money and building her career.
She never cared about him at all.
“You’d be moving there?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess that’s it, then.”
“What?”
“We won’t be seeing each other anymore.”
“We can still be together,” she protested, “Haven’t you ever heard of a long distance relationship?”
Louis shrugged.
Long distance relationships were for couples who had no choice or say in the matter. Clearly, she did have a choice, and this was it.
A part of Louis told him he should just end it, but since he couldn’t find it in him to let her go, he agreed to stay a couple. He knew it would be painful but breaking up would be a thousand times worse.
As they were discussing the matter, the waiter came over to take their order. They asked for two coffees and a couple of pastries on the side.
The waiter left and returned right away with their food and drinks. Setting them on the table, he turned and walked away.
They sat there for a while, barely touching their food. Neither of them had much of an appetite anymore. It was all they could do to drink together in silence.
Lisa took a small bite of her cinnamon roll before looking up at Louis.
“I’ll leave first,” she murmured, snatching her purse and getting up to leave.
He didn’t watch her leave. He couldn’t even look at her.
Louis stared dismally at the table, as the muscles in his face began to tighten. Was this a flashback, too, or did he have a reason to be so upset? He didn’t know, and it didn’t matter.
As he sat there, nibbling on his buttered biscuit, Susan approached him.
One look at his face, and she could tell something wasn’t right with him. His mind wasn’t there–it was some place far away.
“I’m surprised to see you here, Louis,” she said.
Hearing her voice, he snapped out of it.
“Hey,” he murmured.
Extending his arm out, he invited her to sit down, and she seated herself on the booth across from him.
“That looks good. What are you eating?”
“It’s not that good,” he said with a frown, “I think they made it wrong today.”
Louis looked down at his biscuit and then, looked up at Susan.
“You can have it if you want,” he said indifferently, pushing the plate towards her.
Susan smiled, accepting the offer.
As they sat there, Louis’ eyes glazed over.
Lisa, Lisa…
She was all he could think about.
Counting Scars: Six Shoulders to Lean On Page 6