Into the Wind_A Love Story

by Jaclyn M. Hawkes

  She still had nightmares, even in the daytime and even when she was too ill to acknowledge that Lije was there, holding her in the chair near the hearth. At least he was still able to ease the fear the nightmares brought on. He could tell that just by the way she would relax when he held her and spoke to her.

  One her seventh night in the valley, Lije truly thought she wasn’t going to make it through the night and when she began to struggle with the dreams again on top of it all, he looked skyward as he gently picked her up to take into the big chair and whispered, “Okay, Father, what is it I am to do here? Why did you have me save her if you’re only going to take her?” He carried her into the parlor and sat and pulled her close and kissed her gently on the forehead as he spoke softly to her to try to get through the fear that had her heart racing and her already ragged breath coming in gasps.

  She never even opened her eyes, although she calmed down and he sat there with her in his arms, willing himself to understand that God was indeed in control, even if Lije couldn’t understand why He was putting her through this. Heidi came in sleepily, brought him a damp cloth and looked down at Brekka in concern. She wrapped an understanding arm around Lije’s discouraged shoulders and then went and got the quilts off her bed and came back and tucked one around Brekka and then wrapped in the other and went back to sleep on the settee beside them.

  The three of them were still there in the parlor when Lars and their father came in shortly after sun up. Heidi woke as they came in, but Lije was so exhausted from these last weeks that he didn’t even flinch. Heidi got up and tucked Brekka’s blanket back around her and then went to stand between Lars and her father as they all looked down on them in concern. Finally, Lars said, “He’s gonna need Doc Newell as well if he doesn’t quit spending half his time carrying her back and forth and holding her.”

  Their father made a sound of disgust in his throat and said, “I can’t believe he keeps doing this. I never thought I’d see Lije behave so shamefully. Holding a girl in her night gown. And her on her death bed anyway. I don’t understand him.” He sighed. “What’s a father to do as the bishop?”

  Heidi rolled her eyes. “He holds her because of the nightmares from being stolen by the Indians, Da. It’s the only way we can figure out how to calm her fears. It’s not like he’s doing it because he’s taking advantage of her.”

  Both of them turned to look at her in surprise and sadness, but still, Gerhardt grumbled, “Well, he ought to at least marry her. He’s ruining both of their reputations.”

  Lars looked at their father and said disgustedly, “You’d have him marry a girl he doesn’t even know just to put a stop to wagging tongues? Marriage is far more important than gossip, Da. When she finally gets better they’d both hate you for shackling them in a loveless marriage.”

  At that, both Gerhardt and Heidi turned to look at Lars in surprise. He looked from one to the other of them and then asked, “What?”

  Heidi rolled her tired eyes at him this time. “You can’t be serious, Lars. You truly can’t see how much they love each other? You’d have to be blind.”

  Gerhardt added, “Blind and stupid.”

  Narrowing his eyebrows in confusion, Lars looked lost for a moment as he considered what they were saying and then nodded slowly as realization set in. Then he said, “But she’s not a member. He’d never marry a non-member.”

  Gerhardt shook his head in disgust. “No, probably not. But ruining her reputation seems the worse of the two evils.” He turned for the door. “Tell him the bishop wants to talk to him when he gets around.”

  Heidi gave Lije the message as he headed out the door to work a while later, but with the precarious condition Brekka was in, it only made him angry. What in the world was his father worrying about her reputation for when he should have been worrying about her life?

  Lije checked with the men who had been standing watch over the valley and then spent the morning arranging for the different hands to take over his normal duties. Next, he went into town to see about hiring some of the neighbor ladies to take over what Heidi had gotten behind in and to harvest and preserve the peaches and the rest of the produce.

  With that taken care of, he went back to his house to see about Brekka again. She was so ill she hardly even truly woke up anymore. When she had another bad dream in the late afternoon, he climbed right onto the bed and put an arm around her and began to speak to her softly. He wasn’t going to keep dragging her back and forth to the parlor if he was in trouble for being too familiar with her anyway. To heck with the rest of them who worried more about appearances than whether she lived or died. At least this time she actually woke and gave him a weak, sweet smile.

  His father showed up and when he looked in and saw Lije right on the bed with her, Lije knew he was in for a talking to, but he didn’t even care. Watching her wither away made everything else in the world seem of no consequence.

  Once she was finally back sleeping peacefully, Lije got up and went to go back out and get busy, but was surprised to see his father still standing in his parlor glowering. As Lije came through, Gerhardt called out to him and Lije turned back to him begrudgingly. The only thing that made him do it was his love and respect for his father. He cared nothing for mere appearances anymore.

  Going back into the parlor, he went to stand in front of his father with his legs braced apart and folded his arms over his chest. “What?”

  He almost barked it, but his father didn’t even blink. “You know exactly what, young man. Don’t you stand there and growl at me when you’re the one caught in the mire. You need to marry her. Just get it over with. Enough is enough.”

  Fury leapt through Lije’s veins and he almost snarled in reply, “She’s not in the mire! She’s dying! And don’t you stand there and growl at me! You’ve been here before. Don’t pretend that you aren’t aware!”

  His father took a step closer until they were almost nose to nose and said so quietly that it was menacing, “I am perfectly aware. That’s why you need to marry her.”

  Lije wanted to explode, but instead spoke almost menacingly softly so as not to disturb Brekka’s rest. “This is about appearances and you being caught in the middle as the bishop and we both know it!”

  His father’s teeth were clenched when he replied, “This is about eternity!”

  “She is dying!”

  “Then marry her. Now! Before it’s too late.”

  “It’s already too late! Can’t you see that?”

  “It’s never too late, Lije. Not if her heart is good.”

  Disgustedly, Lije quietly snarled, “You don’t believe her heart is good. You don’t even know her. You don’t think anything about her except that she’s ruining your son’s reputation.”

  They stood nose to nose glaring at each other for several long seconds and then Gerhardt turned and walked to the door. He opened it and then looked back and said gently, “That is not true, Elijah Lauritzen. I love her because you love her.” He stepped out the door and closed it softly behind him and Lije let out a huge sigh and looked up at the ceiling.

  He walked to the window and looked out at his father striding down the lane, then sighed again and went into Brekka’s room and picked up the small chair that sat under the window. Taking it to the parlor, he set it down and hefted the padded chair from beside the fireplace and carried it back into her room and set it where the other one had been, then sank into it with a sigh. This was all insane under the circumstances. He didn’t even know Brekka and she didn’t know him. The last thing she’d want to do right now is marry a farm boy from the desert of the American west.

  He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. She was dying. And it was killing him as well.

  He’d been sitting there for several minutes when Brekka spoke softly from the bed beside him. “Why are you and your father arguing, Lije?” He didn’t answer her, just made a sound of disgust and then she asked, “Is it me?”

  He ran a frustrated hand through his
hair. “No, Brekka. It’s not you. It’s the circumstances and the times and everything else. It’s life. Life and death. It’s just life.”

  There was silence in the room for a time and then she softly said, “Be honest.”

  He looked over at her. Her tired sky blue eyes met his openly and he had no idea how to answer that. Finally, he sighed again and admitted, “He wants me to marry you.”

  She simply looked back at him and then said, “I wondered if that was the problem.”

  Leaning his head back again, he said, “Don’t worry about it, Brek. He’s loco. He’ll get over it.” That wasn’t necessarily true, but she didn’t have to know that.

  “Is it that he’s worried about how it looks with me here?”

  Lije made another sound of disgust. “He says it’s not, but it is.”

  “What does he say it is?” He looked at her again and truly couldn’t answer her. He couldn’t tell her that he feared she was dying and he couldn’t explain to her that his father was concerned about him losing her for eternity if he didn’t marry her first.

  Brekka rolled to the edge of the bed and reached a gentle hand out to him. He took it and held it as she asked, “After everything we’ve been through, Lije, are we truly not friends enough for the deepest honesty?”

  He leaned forward in the chair until he was close enough to see her heart in her eyes and hesitantly admitted, “He’s worried that if I don’t marry you now, you’ll die and I’ll have lost you forever.”

  She considered that for a moment and then asked, “Is it true?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If I die before we marry is it too late forever? Will we never be able to be together again? What does the prophet say about eternity?”

  He studied her face for several moments and then said, “I don’t know the answer to that, Brekka. Supposedly, we’d need to be sealed in a temple to be together after death, but there isn’t a temple yet. We couldn’t be sealed right away anyhow and the God I know would take into account all the circumstances and the intentions of our hearts. He’s all powerful. I don’t doubt for a moment that He could figure it all out on the other side.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  He studied her eyes again and then finally closed his and admitted, “I’ve never been afraid like this, Brekka. Even before my mother died I wasn’t afraid, because then I didn’t understand what was happening.” He paused and swallowed. “Now I understand.”

  She fell silent for a time as they both considered what he was saying and then she asked, “What if I do die, Lije?”

  He opened his eyes and looked into the depths of hers and finally, almost chokingly said, “Then I will miss you, Brekka.”

  She feebly squeezed his hand again. “But what if I don’t die?”

  Their eyes still held and at length he said, “I don’t know, Brekka. What if you don’t?”

  “What will you do with me then?”

  Lije felt he would drown in the sweet, beautiful blue of her eyes. Softly he asked, “If you don’t die, Brekka, what are you going to do? Are you going back to Denmark?”

  Even as sick as she was, she gave him the merest hint of a smile and said, “If I don’t die, I’m going to stay and pester you like all the other girls in the territory to see if I can finagle a marriage proposal from you.”

  Lije’s eyes widened and he asked mildly, “Really?”

  She barely nodded. “Really.”

  At that, he was completely quiet for a moment, trying to figure out exactly what she was saying to him. Finally, he asked, “Why?”

  She gave him another small, tired smile, gave his hand a squeeze, and then closed her eyes and said, “Because it only took you a moment to decide you were going to risk your life to save mine.”

  Brekka had spoken of marriage and completely shocked Lije. Then she had gone right back to her dream laden, feverish sleep and he sat there in the padded chair beside her bed, holding her hand, and considered their conversation. He went over it and over it in his head and finally decided she had been completely incoherent when they had spoken for her to have said something like that. She had to have been. It made absolutely no sense. They hadn’t so much as even spoken of feeling strongly about one another.

  Toward evening, Heidi came in and glanced around, then came over and perched on the arm of the chair and asked quietly, “What’s wrong? Is she worse again? Why are you just sitting here?”

  He shrugged. “Just thinking. What are you up to? Is Da still furious with me?”

  “He never was furious with you. He’s just worried. He knows you pretty well, you know, brother. He just loves you.”

  Lije thought back to the conversation they’d had and said, “No, he was furious.”

  Heidi nodded toward the bed. “Doc Newell had to go to Circleville. Has she woken up this afternoon?”

  More thoughtful than ever, Lije admitted, “She seemed to be, but I’m worried that she’s completely out of her head with fever. She’s been talking crazy.”

  Heidi laughed and waved a hand. “Aw, women always talk crazy. We’re way too honest about things sometimes. Did she act like she was all here in her head?”

  “She acted fine. I mean, she’s so tired and sick, but . . . But no, she had to have been not all there.”

  “Why? What did she say?”

  He shook his head. “Just crazy stuff.”

  Heidi rolled her eyes. “What kind of crazy stuff, Lije? Is she having visions, or just being too emotional?”

  He considered that. “That’s a good question. I don’t know how to explain her kind of crazy.”

  In the middle of the night, Brekka had another dream and Lije held her in the chair. He spoke to her softly until she calmed again even though she never opened her eyes. He was just about to put her back in her bed when she did, in fact, open her eyes and look up at him there in the darkness. He looked back at her, but it was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

  He was wondering if she even remembered their conversation from earlier when she softly asked, “What did you tell him?”

  He shook his head. “We haven’t spoken.”

  “What are you going to say when you do?”

  He fingered a lock of her hair and admitted, “I haven’t the faintest idea.” After another minute, he asked, “How much do you remember about our earlier conversation?”

  “The whole of it. I’m sick, Lije, not crazy.”

  He laid his cheek against her hair. “I don’t know, Brek. You were sounding kind of crazy. You said you were going to try to get me to ask you to marry me.”

  “How is that crazy?”

  “I can give you about twenty three reasons. You know that. Are you truly not going back to Denmark?”

  “I truly am not.”

  “What about your father? And your sister?”

  “I will miss them, but they won’t be surprised. He probably half suspected it. I’ve wanted to come to America my whole life. In truth, I believe he has as well. I think I got my need to go and see from him. Not only that, but when he finally meets you, he’ll understand.”

  They were both quiet for several minutes and then at length, he said, “We shouldn’t talk about getting married just because we’re worried you might die, Brekka. Because marriage is forever. Eternity. That’s a fairly long time. And hopefully, you’ll soon kick this darn fever and then you’d be stuck with me. What if you don’t die?”

  She yawned and then leaned into his neck and said softly, “If we marry and I don’t die, Elijah, then we’ll make a wonderful life and someday I’ll feel up to being intimate with you.”

  Her quiet words rocked him like a stick of dynamite and he was truly speechless. Then a moment later, he was even more so when she fell right back to sleep. He held her for another second and then laid her back on her bed and made a lightning retreat out of her bedroom. Jumping Jehosephat! She wasn’t crazy, but she was definitely something! Now what was he supposed to do?


  The next morning, he was working beside his father and Lars, separating calves and branding them. His father simply asked how Brekka was and left it at that and Lije didn’t go near the subject of marriage. He had no idea what was going on between him and Brekka, and frankly, he was still too surprised about what she’d said to try to figure it all out.

  His mind was on her and not on what he was doing and finally, when he nearly lost a finger in his lariat, Lars looked up at him in disgust and said, “You’d better get your head here in this corral, Lije, or these cows are gonna kill us! What is happening with you this morning? You’ve got corn mush for brains.”

  Lije shook his head and then shook his finger and muttered under his breath, “Don’t I know it.”

  Lars was still looking at him and finally, his younger brother broke into a huge grin. He shook his head as well and then laughed. “Who’d a ever thunk it? Who’d a ever thunk that you’d go down like a mighty tree in a west wind? You’re pathetic.”

  Just then, the cow whose calf they were in the process of separating got her dander up and came after Lars. He dodged her in the nick of time and Lije nodded his head at him. “You’re gonna think go down like a mighty tree, Lars Lauritzen. You’d best watch your step instead of mine. She ‘bout just tenderized you. Where’s your own head?”

  “Just wonderin’ what’s got you lookin’ a little tenderized yourself. You gonna spit it out? Or just make Da and me keep on guessin’?”

  Lije only grinned. Some things you could just never tell. Not even to your best ever life long friend and brother.

  At noon, when he went in to check on her, he certainly wasn’t grinning. When he saw her, the fear that he was losing her filled his heart and stole any semblance of a grin. Her fever was as high as ever and her face was almost gray white except where the fever had her cheeks flushed. She looked worse than she had even that first night after being shot and beaten by the Indians.

  Heidi gave him a sad smile as he came back out of Brekka’s room and said, “She’s been asking for you this morning, Lije. She wasn’t having the dreams, but she seemed anxious about something. Said to tell you, you needed to hurry and talk to Da. I’m not sure what that means, but that’s what she said. She wants you to wake her up.”