A Taste of Love

by Willis, Susan

  She’d picked the skin from her fingernails, was struggling to eat properly and consumed antacids on a daily basis to quell her constantly churning stomach. When she closed her eyes to sleep all she could see was Angela mopping the tears from her face. She lay awake for hours biting at her lip and thinking through the months since she’d met Richard. She should have found the strength to stay away from him in the beginning, she raged, and hated herself for being so weak and causing all this upheaval.

  At work she strained to concentrate and thought everyone was laughing at her behind her back. And when Annette looked at her with eyes full of pity and concern she felt strangely panicked and insecure. Karen and Charles both told her how worried they were. And when Richard returned from his first visit home to see Emily with miserable hooded eyes, there was a tiny part of her that wished he hadn’t come back.

  *

  Next morning Helen sat down at her computer determined to have a better day. The new Sushi lines had been launched and all the staff had complimented her on the novel ideas and how well they worked. The MD had expressed his pleasure, especially as the first weeks sales were excellent.

  Opening her emails she gaped at a name in her inbox – it was from Christopher. Cautiously she opened the email and read the foul words and names he called her for taking his father away from home and blamed her entirely for the ruin of the relationship he’d built up with his dad.

  It was, in her eyes, the final straw. She felt as if the walls of the room were closing in and her heart began to race. Sweat stood on her forehead and she tried to take deep breaths, which only seemed to make her feel worse. The tears began to course slowly down her face and she didn’t know how to stop them. She watched them drop onto the mouse and decided she was in a living hell.

  Annette took charge of the situation. She bundled Helen into her own car while she sobbed and cried all the way to Uxbridge Road. Her body was shaking and her legs felt like jelly as Annette helped her though the front door and Richard appeared from the bathroom with a paintbrush in his hand.

  ‘What the hell?’ he yelled, rushing to Helen’s side. They both half carried her to the settee where she flopped down and buried her face sobbing into a cushion.

  Annette told him how she’d found Helen at the desk. ‘You need to get this sorted out, Richard,’ she said firmly. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with your family. But I do know Helen cannot cope with this.’

  Promising he would do everything he could he showed Annette to the door and then hurried back to Helen on the settee.

  ‘This guilt is making me ill – you’ll have to go back to them,’ she sobbed. ‘I-I just can’t take any more.’

  She told him about the email from Christopher and Richard apologised over and over again. But she couldn’t see him clearly any more and wanted him to go. Her befuddled brain decided that if he went then all the guilt would go with him and she’d feel well again. He tried to stroke her leg but she felt physically sick and pushed his hand away. ‘Don’t touch me. Please just get out!’

  ‘You’re overwrought,’ he said. ‘Things will soon settle down and get better.’

  She sat up and glared at him. ‘For God’s sake, will you stop saying that! It’s all you’ve said for weeks now and if anything, it’s getting fucking worse.’

  He was shocked and stunned at the ravaged look on her face. She was staring at him but her eyes were glassy as though she wasn’t really there. Her body was shaking, her lips were trembling and her eyes began to dart wildly around the room – he wondered if he should call a doctor. At that moment he hated himself and was full of self-loathing – to think that he and his family had done this to her was inexcusable and he told her exactly that.

  She threw her head back and mocked savagely, ‘Ha!! It’s my own fault. Haven’t you heard I’m a low-life, home-wrecker? I deserve everything I get…’

  She began crying loudly again and he suddenly thought of Karen. He grabbed Helen’s mobile from her bag, scrolled down until he found her number and then walked into the kitchen and rang her.

  Within fifteen minutes Karen flew into the apartment and scooped Helen into her arms. ‘You’re okay, darling,’ Karen muttered into her sister’s hair. ‘We’ll soon have you sorted out.’

  In between hitching breaths Helen sobbed. ‘I didn’t think you’d come. I-I thought you all hated me for what I’ve done,’ she stuttered.

  Karen stroked her hair from her face. ‘Hate you? But you’re my sister – I love you. We all do and we’ll have no more of that nonsense,’ she stated.

  ‘A cup of tea wouldn’t come amiss,’ Karen said to Richard, who disappeared into the kitchen.

  Helen dried her face on the sleeve of her shirt and told Karen how ill and panicky she felt and that she knew it was the guilt that she couldn’t cope with. ‘Make him go, Karen. Please get him out of here,’ she begged just as Richard came back into the room.

  Karen looked at him kindly. ‘Look, maybe it would be for the best if you went,’ she said quietly. ‘Just for tonight – I’ll stay with her till she’s pulled herself together.’

  Richard was devastated but couldn’t see how arguing and insisting that he should stay would help the situation. He collected a few things from the apartment and threw them miserably into a bag, then gave Helen one last lingering look and headed to the front door.

  Karen followed him. ‘I’ll ring you later when I’ve had time to get to the bottom of it all,’ she said. ‘I’ve never in my life seen her like this.’

  He turned to open the door. ‘I love her so much.’

  Karen smiled. ‘Yes, I can see that. And I’m sorry we haven’t given you any support.’

  *

  Helen lay in the bath while Karen sat at the end on the toilet seat listening to the happenings of the last few weeks.

  ‘But you can’t take all this blame upon yourself,’ she stressed. ‘Yes, you are guilty of falling in love with him but Angela is a grown woman and is responsible for her own actions, Helen. And how his wife and son cope are Richards’s problems – not yours.’

  Helen sighed. ‘Maybe, but it affects me all the same. I-I wanted to stand by him,’ she stuttered.

  ‘And you have, sweetheart,’ Karen soothed. ‘Now get out of there and we’re going to get you into bed. Once you’ve had a good sleep you’ll feel much better.’

  Wrapped in fleece pyjamas, and after being spoon-fed a bowl of warm porridge and swallowing two of Karen’s painkillers, Helen was tucked up in bed while Karen lay next to her on top of the quilt. She slept for nine hours without waking.

  *

  Richard ran through the park pushing himself to his limit and beyond. He couldn’t believe how quickly his life had turned from fantastic to tragic in such a short space of time. Karen had told him that Helen was sound asleep and she was staying the night to watch over her. He knew it should be him looking after her except that Helen had made it blatantly obvious she didn’t want him there. He prayed that when she felt better in the morning she did want him back because he couldn’t bear the thought of his life without her.

  She had been his rock through all the mayhem, and when he told Patricia this on the telephone and what had happened to Helen, her comment was that even rocks can sometimes crumble.

  ‘And I’m sure Angela is behind Christopher’s horrid email,’ Patricia said. ‘To use your children in blackmailing tactics is a despicable trick!’

  Richard agreed. ‘I still can’t believe the way Angela has reacted to the break-up of our marriage. I’ve seen more emotion pour out of her lately than in all the years we’ve been married.’

  ‘Hmm, I think it’s the humiliation and shame of being left for someone else that’s at the bottom of her upset, and the fact that she couldn’t keep hold of her husband will soon be the talk of the village.’

  She could be right, he mused, lying awake in the bedroom of the rented flat. He thought of Helen’s face earlier and sighed heavily, feeling dreadfully shamed that he’
d been responsible for turning this beautiful, happy woman into a nervous wreck. Laying his arm across the empty space next to him he began to cry.

  *

  Richard stood in front of Helen next morning in the lounge of the apartment. She looked so much better, he thought, and the smile she gave him was genuine.

  ‘Richard, I’m sorry about yesterday. That has never happened to me before. I’ve always been strong and able to cope with anything life throws at me. But I know now I can’t handle this situation,’ she said quietly.

  He moved towards her holding out his arms, but she put a hand up in front of him signalling for him to stop. ‘No, I’m sorry but I don’t want you to come near me. I won’t be able to say this or do it if you hold me.’

  She’d woken at six o’clock in the morning feeling much better. She was back in control, calm and collected, and knew what she had to do – she took a deep breath. ‘I love you more than I can say, Richard, but I want you to go back to your family. I can’t live with you like this and would rather be on my own.’

  He gasped and felt his stomach slump. A sudden coldness hit the core of his insides and he pushed his hands into his trouser pockets to stop them from trembling. ‘But you can’t mean this, Helen?’

  ‘I do,’ she said feeling tears gather in her throat. She swallowed hard. ‘Yesterday scared me and I don’t ever want to feel ill like that again. I just can’t cope with the guilt – it’s that simple.’

  Out of the corner of his eye he glanced into the bedroom and saw his case packed and two holdalls standing next to it. She’d decided it was over and he knew that trying to talk her around would be futile – her decision was final. Struggling to stay in control he said, ‘OK. I can’t argue with your decision. But I do know that this situation will get better eventually and we would be happy together…’

  She shrugged her shoulders and averted her eyes from his. ‘Could be, but I don’t have the strength to ride out the months ahead without cracking up again. And if I’m being totally selfish about this, I’m sorry, but for my own peace of mind I have to be. I’m sorry I didn’t have what it takes...’

  He understood her fear. Being selfish was the last thing she should feel and he told her this. His heart was pumping as he realised this would probably be the last time he’d ever see her. She was the love of his life and he knew he’d never feel this love for any other woman. Starting at the top of her lovely hair he cast his eyes down over her shoulders, arms, breasts, stomach, and further down to the longest legs any man could ever dream about. He actually felt physical pain in his chest and taking a deep breath, he stuttered, ‘R-right, then. If you’re sure you want me to leave, I’ll go. But I’m not going back to Angela.’

  ‘That’s your decision, Richard,’ she muttered, digging her nails into the palms of her hands in an effort to stay strong. She fought the urge to get up and run into his arms, knowing it was the wrong thing to do. She loved this man so deeply that to be without him frightened her, but being in a state like yesterday scared her even more. She did, however, love him enough to want his happiness. If going home could do this then she would give him her blessing. ‘Maybe you should give your marriage another try – Angela obviously still wants you. It could work better this time around.’

  He grunted with the thought of how much he hated even the sound of his wife’s name. ‘Maybe she does, but I can’t stand the sight of her – so that’s not going to happen,’ he stated resolutely.

  She was finishing their relationship with love and good wishes, which simply made him love her all the more. He should be able to wish her all the happiness in the world, but he couldn’t utter a word – his throat was too dry. He tried to show it in his eyes but tears were threatening to escape and his chest was heaving in pain as he tried to keep control. He walked slowly into the bedroom, picked up the case and bags and quietly left the apartment.

  And for the second time in a year, Helen thought, the man in her life had picked up his bags and gone.

  *

  The heartbreak for Helen was horrendous. She took two weeks holiday from work and concentrated upon decorating the flat. Rachel came home for five days and Helen gradually built up her family relationships again. She missed Richard every minute of the day, and the nights, well, they were something else. The following week she received a text from him telling her that he would always keep the same mobile number and if ever she needed him all she had to do was dial it and he would be there – unable to think of a response she didn’t reply. She knew she should be grown up enough to correspond as a friend but she also knew the love she still felt for him would never allow a friendship to form.

  As autumn approached she stopped thinking of herself as the other woman and rebuilt her confidence by walking tall again. She worked hard and began to build a social life by joining a reading and writing class at the library and restarting the salsa dancing twice a week. She even forced herself onto a couple of blind dates arranged by friends, and although she enjoyed the company her heart wasn’t in the dating scene. Annette had heard that Richard was working for a company in Huntingdon near Cambridge. Ah, well, Helen thought, Angela’s emotional blackmail had worked and he’d obviously gone home. She didn’t feel bitter or resentful, just gratified that at least he must be happy.

  It was the first time since her early twenties that she’d lived alone and she soon relished the fact that she could live her own lifestyle to suit herself.

  ‘But, Mum, just because you fell in love with the wrong man once doesn’t mean to say you’ll do it again.’ Rachel said one Saturday morning. ‘You should get out there and date loads of different men until you find the right one…’

  ‘No, sweetheart. I’m more than content to be on my own.’ She looked fondly at her daughter. But in her mind she wanted to scream – she had found the right one but unfortunately he’d belonged to someone else.

  Epilogue

  Nine months later, on the week before her 40th birthday Helen was in Selfridges looking for a knock-em dead outfit – Karen and Rachel had a surprise planned and she’d been told to look her best. Just as she passed the entrance to Itsu in the Food Hall she stopped dead in her tracks at the familiar sound of a man’s laughter. She spun round to see Richard and two other men coming out of the entrance – he froze and stopped still in his tracks.

  Her stomach flipped in a somersault when she saw him recover and hurry towards her grinning. ‘Helen,’ he cried, taking her hands in his and shaking them gleefully. ‘How are you?’

  Her heart thumped and her throat was dry but she managed to find her voice. ‘I’m fine, thanks. Pleased to see you’re still eating Sushi.’

  The two guys called to Richard that they’d see him back at the office and he waved in agreement. He couldn’t believe it was her and wanted to pick her up in the air and shout with joy simply at seeing her again. Instead, he took a deep breath to keep calm. ‘Oh yeah, I love Sushi now. We often come over here for lunch especially as it’s not far from the office.’

  She was confused and asked, ‘The office? But I thought you were working in Huntingdon.’

  ‘What?’ he asked, shaking his head slightly. ‘Why would you think that? I’ve been working here in the city since last August and have bought myself a trendy flat over in Lewisham.’

  She swallowed hard taking in the information. ‘Annette told us she’d heard you were working in Huntingdon,’ she said, feeling silly that she’d listened to gossip.

  ‘Oh, I see,’ he said grinning at the mix-up. ‘We do have a smaller site up there and I had to spend my first two weeks on an induction course with personnel.’

  She nodded her head and looked over his shoulder towards the wall. She was terrified to look into his eyes but her heart bounded with happiness at the news that he wasn’t in Cambridge. Warnings niggled in her mind, however, and she steeled herself to tread carefully – he could well have met someone else in nine months. ‘That’s great. I’m pleased you’re settled,’ she said sincere
ly.

  Was that a friendly brush off, he wondered – she was bound to be with another guy by now. But he decided to lay all his cards on the table – he had nothing to lose. ‘Yes, I’m happily settled alone in my own place. My divorce is going through and Angela has a new boyfriend who’s the chairman of the village council. Christopher’s doing well at Durham and Emily’s doing her A levels in sixth form. So everything did get sorted out, eventually,’ he said cautiously. ‘And you?’

  Now she couldn’t stop herself and looked into his eyes. ‘Oh, I’ve just been plodding along on my own.’ Then she told him about Rachel and how well Karen was doing.

  She could tell as they locked eyes that he’d stopped listening after the words, on my own. And it was still there – the invisible force between them was dragging her into him again as he gently put a hand on her cheek. ‘Oh, Richard,’ she murmured. ‘I’ve missed you so much…’

  He shook his head slowly and smiled. ‘You’ve no idea how much I’ve missed you, Helen.’

  She threw her arms round his neck and he wrapped his arms round her waist pulling her into him. ‘But please,’ she asked. ‘Can we take it a bit easier this time?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know about that,’ he laughed. ‘We’ve got nine months to make up for and I don’t intend to lose a minute.’

  He covered her mouth with his lips and they stood together kissing and devouring each other while shoppers and diners milled all around them.

  If you enjoyed A Taste of Love, you might also enjoy

  Love on a Plate

  THURSDAY 18 OCTOBER

  Sarah excused herself from her four panellists sitting around the presentation table and hurried through into the small adjoining kitchen. So far, Olga, Margaret, Aarshiya, and Jason had arrived and she prayed the last two people wouldn’t be too late as the quiche tarts took twenty five minutes to cook. Placing the five varieties of tarts onto baking trays she set the oven timer and just as she closed the oven door she heard a man’s voice calling, hellooo.