All the Ways to Here

by Emily O'Beirne

  “And when I get stressed, I don’t eat,” Eva says. “I’m not trying to lose weight. I’m just trying to…” She sighs. “I don’t know. Anyway, that’s stuff for my counsellor. It’s a party, right?”

  “So I’ve heard. I’m unfamiliar with such events.”

  “Oh, well, if you need any explanations of cultural practice, let me know.”

  “You’re too kind.”

  They exchange the kind of smiles that tell Willa that it’s going to be okay.

  Eva goes to say something but flinches as a song erupts from the sound system.

  Amira shrieks and jumps. “My cousin’s on. We dance!” She waves everyone towards the dance floor.

  And Willa finds herself being carried with the tide of people that obediently follows the birthday girl to the spot where the lights beat brightest.

  It doesn’t take Finn long to get to her. And when she finds Willa marooned in the thick of it, her smile lights up, all cheek and “fancy seeing you here”. She stretches her hand out through the crush of bodies and lets Willa pull her the last few steps towards her. And there they are, in a forest of towering high-heeled girls and athletic guys with haircuts.

  Propelled by Finn’s smile, Willa dances for the first time in her life. And it’s not that hard, it turns out. You just make space for yourself in the sweaty, electric throng and let the music happen to you.

  That’s when Willa feels it, this brimming of goodness. Because in this moment, under the hot pulse of the lights, there’s nothing to worry about. Nothing but not losing Finn in the current and what the next song will be.

  And it reminds Willa that this is what life could be like. She loves studying next to Finn and hanging out with the kids with her—she likes doing anything with Finn. But now she wants to be out in this new electric world with her too. And maybe, just maybe, when Nan comes back and Willa’s world tilts back to normal again, there’ll be more moments like these. She hopes so. Because suddenly she’s greedy for them.

  CHAPTER 47

  Willa

  One minute Finn’s lips are a hot force on Willa’s, and the next thing she knows, they’re gone, leaving her breathless and bereft.

  “We should probably go in,” Finn whispers. “I have to be home soon.”

  “Okay.” Willa eases her shoulders from where they’ve been pushed against the rough brick of the side of her house. She exhales slowly, taking a moment to adjust to being just one person again.

  “What’s wrong?” Finn asks.

  “Nothing.” Willa drops another kiss on her. “Except that you’re about to leave.”

  Instead of smiling like she usually does when Willa says something like that, Finn frowns. “But why did you sigh?”

  “I think I was just breathing.” Willa runs a finger along Finn’s neck, right on the spot she was just kissing a few minutes ago. “You happen to make me breathe hard.”

  “Are you annoyed that we aren’t having sex?”

  Willa just stares at Finn, too thrown to speak. Not just because of what Finn’s asking, but because of how she asks the question—as if Willa somehow provoked the need to ask. Willa hadn’t even been thinking about that. She hadn’t been thinking at all. “What do you mean?” she manages to ask

  Finn shrugs, her lips pressed into a thin line, and takes Willa’s hand from where it rests on her collarbone. She holds it tight between them, more like she’s taming it than an act of affection.

  “Why do you think I’m annoyed about it?” Willa asks her.

  “Just tell me if you are.” Finn folds her arms like a court lawyer demanding the truth.

  Willa blinks, like she’s trying to make this moment come into focus. Trying to make it make sense, but it won’t.

  The whole time, Finn stares at her, waiting, and Willa can’t tell if she’s angry or sad or something else. And it’s horrible because she always knows how Finn feels. How is Willa supposed to navigate this moment? To find the right things to say to assuage whatever this tension is that has suddenly crept up on them? She feels like the guy in the movie trying to decide whether to cut the blue or the red wire to defuse the bomb.

  This moment needs light, Willa decides, if she’s going to have any chance of defusing it. She grabs Finn’s hand, leads her back down the side of the house, and pulls her down onto the wooden bench under the back light. Then she asks the question as gently as she can. “Why are you worried?”

  Finn draws small circles on her jeans with the tip of her finger. When she finally speaks, her voice comes out husky and thinned. “Because I know it’s me that always stops things from happening.”

  “That’s okay.” She clasps Finn’s wrist. “I figured you’re still not ready.”

  “But are you?”

  “I won’t be ready until I know you are.”

  “Well, that’s the right thing to say, isn’t it?”

  Her sarcasm stings, but Willa pushes back at the irritation as she leans closer, speaking softly. “Please don’t be mad at me, Finn. Just tell me what’s happening.”

  Finn hugs herself tighter. “I just don’t want you to get frustrated with me, and I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

  “I didn’t know you needed to know.” Willa pulls Finn’s arm away from where it’s wrapped tightly around her and grips her hand, feeling like she’s missed something completely, something she was supposed to do but didn’t know she should. Why is she so bad at this?

  She leans in a little closer. “But I’ll tell you. Yes, I want to sleep with you. Of course I do. One day.” She ignores the blush storming her cheeks. “And I think about you naked. Sometimes at inappropriate times. But that’s normal, right? And it doesn’t mean I think anything should be happening yet.” She watches the words settle around Finn and squeezes her fingers. “And I guess it doesn’t really matter if I’m ready or not, because I know you’re not.”

  “I’m not. I’m sorry.” Finn meets her eye for the first time since they sat down. “Not that I don’t think about you like that too. I do. It just doesn’t feel…right yet.”

  “Okay, then we wait,” Willa says, like the problem’s solved.

  Finn stares at her. “Okay.”

  It takes Willa a minute to work up the courage to ask the question. “I’m not…doing anything to make you feel like this, am I?”

  “No.” Finn shakes her head. “I guess I’m just worried you’ll get sick of waiting.”

  “I’m not waiting for anything.” How does Finn still not know what a revelation this relationship is for Willa? How it’s the one thing that has kept her sane and happy and would probably still be the best thing in her life even if things weren’t as messy and hard as they are right now? “I just want to be with you. And I am.” She drops a kiss on Finn’s shoulder. “I’m actually pretty easy to please.”

  Finn gives her a small, grateful smile, and Willa lets herself relax a little. Maybe she’s not so bad at this girlfriend thing. She kisses Finn’s shoulder again and whispers, “And of course I’m going to think about you naked sometimes.”

  Finn lets out a small laugh and leans into her. “You can do that.”

  They sit in a small silence, the sounds of TVs and parties and traffic washing around them. Sounds of a Saturday night still playing itself out.

  “You know,” Willa tells her as she plays with the bracelet Finn gave her, turning the tiny silver leaves over and over. “I still don’t feel that great about sleeping with Freya.”

  Finn turns to look at her. “Really?”

  “Have you ever gotten the feeling while you’re doing something that it might not be a great idea but it’s too late and you’re too far in it?”

  “Sort of.”

  “It was like I could feel Freya feeling that, even though she was the one who started it. And even though I felt it too, I didn’t stop, and neither did she.” Willa flinches at the memory. “But it made me feel weird. Like I’d pushed her into it. Only I hadn’t. It was her that started it.”


  When Freya had started flirting so obviously and so out-of-the-nowhere at the party that turned out to be her farewell, Willa didn’t know whether to doubt her sudden attention or to enjoy it. Even in the thick of her happiness, it seemed impossible, her dreams crashing true like that.

  Willa will never know for sure why that night happened. Now that she’s far enough from the hurt to let herself think about it, she’s decided Freya was probably just looking for another thing to add to her list of worldly woman intrigues by sleeping with a girl. Whatever it was, Freya was relentless at that party, dragging Willa into corners, demanding she stay at her house afterwards and drink champagne snuck from the fridge. She was energised by something Willa hadn’t seen before.

  And she was relentless until they were under the covers, half-stripped of their clothes. That’s when Willa could feel the two glasses of champagne turn from giddy to sickly. And she could also feel Freya’s bravado being shaken by this unknown territory they were in. And Willa couldn’t help her either. It was all just as new to her.

  Willa knows now that she probably should have stopped things at that moment. But she didn’t, because that would have required talking about what was happening. She didn’t know how to do that. And she knows Freya didn’t either.

  The next morning, Freya acted like it was some stupid drunk thing. Something they could now go about the business of poking fun at for a couple of hours and then forget. And in those jokes was a silent demand for an agreement that it was a definitely mistake, one that needn’t take up too much of their time or energy. Freya didn’t care—or didn’t care to know—if Willa felt the same.

  Now that whole night is a regret Willa will keep forever. Especially now. Because imagine if instead she could look back one day and remember Finn as the first girl she was with? Willa can’t imagine that memory will ever be anything but incredible.

  Willa turns to Finn. Her face is peaceful now as she stares into the darkness. “Do you regret sleeping with Matt?”

  Finn thinks for a moment. “I don’t know if I regret sleeping with him. It’s not like it was a bad experience. I think I just regret ever going out with him.”

  “Did it hurt?”

  “Going out with him? Not ‘til after.”

  “Ha-ha.” Willa blushes. “You know what I meant.”

  “Not as bad as I thought it would. Anna says it’s different for everyone.”

  “Well, I’m never going to find out.”

  Finn curls her hands around Willa’s arm and grins. “Going to be a gold star?”

  “A what?”

  “A gold star. Nona taught me that the other day. It’s some name for a lesbian who’s never slept with a guy.”

  Willa nods. “Then I guess I’ll be a gold star.”

  “You know, I couldn’t talk about this with Matt,” Finn says. “The sex thing, I mean. We never discussed it. Or anything, really. I felt like it wasn’t…I don’t know…hot to talk about this stuff. But maybe if I’d been able to have that kind of conversation with him, I’d have known him better. Then I’d have known what was going to happen.”

  “Well, don’t worry, you can pretty much say anything you want to me, and I’ll still think you’re hot.” Willa squeezes her hand. “And I want you to tell me this stuff. And I want you to feel good about everything.”

  Finn sighs loudly, and for a terrified moment, Willa thinks she’s annoyed again. But the next thing she knows, Finn’s clambering over her legs. Then she’s sitting on her lap, facing her, her smile pushed in close to Willa’s. “Stop it,” she whispers.

  “Stop what?”

  “Being so lovely and incredible.”

  “No,” Willa says, rushed by pride.

  “Okay.” Finn presses a fierce kiss on her and then rests her cheek on Willa’s shoulder, breathing softly against her neck.

  Willa smiles, wallowing in the soothe of Finn’s weight on her. She smooths her hands up and down her back. This is happiness. And there’s a little bit of ego too. Because Willa somehow navigated this moment.

  “I bet you look really hot naked,” Finn suddenly whispers and laughs into her neck.

  ~ ~ ~

  Willa lies under her doona, still feeling the warm waves of getting something right for once. When Finn kissed her goodbye at the side gate, they felt stronger somehow. More invincible. And Willa felt the same after assuaging Finn’s fears.

  The truth is Willa does get frustrated with Finn’s reticence sometimes. But it’s only ever for a fleeting moment. It’s hard not to feel a flash of impatience when Finn calls a halt to things in the thick of one of those moments that only makes Willa wants to take it further. And maybe it hurts a tiny bit that Finn doesn’t entirely trust in them.

  But the rational part of Willa’s brain also knows it’s not about her. It’s about Finn. And about Finn and Matt. Finn had no reason to think that her boyfriend would go off her the minute she slept with him. What happened to Finn is a particular raw and bruising kind of betrayal, and Willa knows she needs time to get over it.

  Willa would probably be careful too if that happened to her. With Freya, the warning signs were always there. Willa just chose to ignore them, so it’s her own fault. She knows that. Knows it enough to never let Finn see the flickers of impatience that dog her when a kiss ends abruptly or when Finn leads her somewhere, only to drag Willa back to safety before she’s ready. After what happened with Freya, Willa knows there are some things that are worth waiting for until it’s right.

  CHAPTER 48

  Finn

  Even though Finn feels better after talking about this stuff with Willa, she’s still not one hundred per cent sure why she’s still being so weird.

  “It’s so dumb,” she tells Anna as they sprawl on the couch in her living room, avoiding a random viciously hot day. “I mean, I find her hot. Incredibly hot. And I like her more than I’ve ever liked anyone. So what’s up with me?”

  “Psych 101, dude.” Anna takes a handful and passes her the packet of chips. “You did something out of character with Matt. It went wrong. And now you’re scared. It makes perfect sense in the context of brain weirdness.”

  Finn shakes the packet, peering inside, searching for the perfect folded-over chip. “But I know Willa wouldn’t do what Matt did. She wouldn’t. Couldn’t.”

  “Fear knows no rationality. Besides, it’s not about Willa, or about Matt. It’s about you. You’re the kind of person who knows herself well. And you shocked yourself a bit. Just let yourself get over it. It’ll happen when it happens.”

  Finn bites down on a chip, wishing she’d inherited her sister’s Zen-like ability to just take life as it comes. Finn’s way too much of an overthinker to exist in that kind of chill. It must come from Anna’s mother.

  “I felt like such a prude, though, freaking out on her the other night. It’s not like I’m some virgin.”

  “You know, the thing with my job is that I wind up in a lot of conversations with girls your age about sex. Mostly because they’re too terrified to talk to their mums. I don’t know how many of them don’t get that just because you do something once doesn’t mean you have to do it every time. By which I mean sex.” Anna grins and tosses more chips in her mouth, chomping loudly.

  Finn totally gets the whole not wanting to talk to your mum part, even if her own mother usually leans towards the open and supportive side instead of the freaked-out and authoritarian one. Finn always found it easy to ask her all the embarrassing “what the hell is my body doing” questions, but she has no plans to talk to her mother about her sex life. Or lack of it.

  This is just another reason why she’s incredibly lucky Anna turned up in her life. Her sister will talk about anything. Anything. Sometimes it’s kind of alarming, but at other times it’s a relief. “You missed your calling, by the way,” Finn tells her. “You should’ve been a counsellor.”

  “No way. Not enough pay. But at least the counselling session distracts them from what’s happening downstairs, right?”


  Finn pulls a face. Why would anyone want to be a gynaecologist? Actually, she does know. Because Anna told her. Why wouldn’t she want to work in a specialty that is completely devoted to women’s health and wellbeing? Just another reason to admire her fierce feminist of a sister.

  “Besides, you know what?” Anna says, staring at some soap on the TV, the sound muted against two characters deep in an intense conversation. “I know that you youth are an impatient lot, but there’s something to be said for dragging this stuff out, you know.” She grins. “Taking it slow can be its own special kind of fun.”

  “I hope Willa thinks so.”

  “What does she say about all this?”

  “That she’s happy to wait for whenever I’m ready.”

  “Does she mean it?”

  Finn chews her lip, thinking of Willa’s sweet patience the other night in the face of her mini freak-out. “Yeah, she definitely does.”

  “Then she’s the perfect person for you right now.”

  “She is anyway.”

  “Aw, that’s cute.” Anna snatches the chips back from her.

  CHAPTER 49

  Finn

  Finn surfaces to the melody of small, sonorous grunts. She rolls over, dislodging a dog. The sound stops.

  “Were you snoring?” She narrows her eyes at Banjo. “Because that’s a new trick. And not a good one.”

  Banjo just flicks open one eye, curls up tighter, and goes back to sleep. Finn’s about to do the same when there’s a tap on her door.

  Her mother’s already buttoned into a neat green blouse and her sensible work heels, her jasmine perfume trailing her into the room. “Time to get up.” She pulls the curtains aside, letting the sunlight seep in through the ivy outside.

  “I’m all over it,” Finn fibs, stretching her arms above the doona. “Banjo was snoring.”

  “He’s getting old.” Anita sits on the edge of the bed and runs her hand over his head. “Poor boy.”